When it's time to
"How do you feel?" She asks me. This question really steps on my nerves, as it's asked frequently since he had called. But she's the only one I don't bother when she's asking it.
"Awkward, I guess." Honestly, I have no idea what I'm feeling right now. Ten years is a long time and I can't remember him really. Hey, I've been six when he left. What am I supposed to remember anyway?
"Ten years, is long." She says. She always expresses, what I'm thinking. Like our minds are connected to each other. Ten years. He's a complete stranger to me. How am I supposed to react? How shell I behave? I don't know. Only this is distracting me from my school problems.
"Are you looking forward meeting him?"
"Dunno. Yes…no…he's a stranger to me." She puts an arm around me. I'm afraid of meeting him. I'm afraid I might hurt him, or Kirsten and Sandy. I've seen their looks when he had called and they have been everything else than happy. But he's my father and the only person I have left from my family. But…Sandy, Kirsten Seth…they mean something to me as well, although I haven't been able to figure what, yet. I don't want to hurt them and deep down I know I'm only afraid I'll have to leave them. I only don't want to admit it to myself. I don't want to admit that these people, who have taken me in, mean something to me. And why? Because I'm a coward and a screwed up psycho with some kind of phobia. At least this is the way I would describe it.
"Do you want me to come with you? As support?" She asks me. And yes, I really, really want her to be at my side. But I can't tell her.
"No, it's better, when I do this on my own." Why? Because I'm not used to having support? If this was the explanation, a lot of problems could be solved within a second. Unfortunately it's not.
"You don't have to do this on your own. Ryan, here are people who like to help you in this situation." And exactly this is the problem. As Sandy had said, if I want them to help me, I have to meet them somewhere on the way. Something I can't afford right now. I'm afraid of releasing only one small piece. Because only the slightest piece can set off an avalanche I'll never be able to stop. So I better remain being the ungrateful little piece of shit.
"I wish you could tell me, why you're unable to accept help. I can't imagine you do this too hurt them…us…do you?" She wants answers and she's the only one I can't lie to.
"I…just can't. This is hard to explain." I see in her eyes that this answer doesn't satisfy her. She wants the real reason, my past, my history, the so called background. Hell, if I told her, she never would meet me again. She'll realize I'm a train wrack – not better than my Mum.
"Try." And then she looks into my eyes and she tells me, no matter what I tell her, she'll never talk to someone. She'll never judge me, for what had happened, for what I've done.
"It's like Jenga. At one point the sticks are stuck together so confused that, no matter which one you pull out, the whole tower breaks together." She nods and I know she has understood.
"I gotta go." I say, kiss her. Her lips smooth as velvet.
"Call me." She says and I will. I always call her before going to bed, some kind of ritual that gives me security.
I enter the house and head to the kitchen. There are voices, but this is not unusual. The house is always busy. When pass the living room I see three people. Sandy and Kirsten and a man I never have seen before, but I know who he is. I immediately start to panic, inwardly. I need to stay cool at the outside. I feel the urge to run. At Marissa's this only had been theory, but now it's bloody reality and I'm so not ready for this.
"Hey Ryan, good you come home." Kirsten says and comes towards me. She puts an arm around me – I flinch – and guides me to the suite.
"Hello, Ryan." The man gets up and formally shakes my hand. He's tall. I can't imagine he had been that tall. Well, I can't imagine having seen him before. I can't speak. My throat his tight. My heart beats two hundred eighty beats per minute. I swear I'm not exaggerating.
"I'm Frank, you probably can't remember me." He says. He's right. No, not exactly. There are some things I still can remember. At least I think I do.
"Ten years is a long time, isn't it?" Ten years are nearly my whole life. He makes a step towards me. I step back. Reflex.
"Ryan, why don't you sit down and we talk." Sandy suggests. But I can't move.
"Ryan, I didn't want to throw you a curve with my visit." He did. But no matter when he had been there, now or ten years later, I wouldn't react different.
"Is everything okay with you?" Kirsten asks and only now I realize my breath goes fast and heavy. I don't know what hits me, but I have to get out of this room, the house. Without running I make my way out the patio. This wasn't easy. At least not as easy as I thought it would be. I watch the horizon and take some deep breaths. I don't calm down.
"Ryan, everything okay?" Sandy asks me. Hell, do I look like I'm okay? I don't say anything.
"Do…you want to talk to him alone?" No, I don't. I'm afraid to be alone with him.
"Ryan, you need to say something to me." Sandy only wants to help, but right now I can't even help myself.
"Okay, you know what? I send him out. Thus you two have your privacy, but we're right there when you need us. Is it a deal?" I only nod.
"It'll be okay." He says, pats my shoulder and then leaves back to the house. Frank comes out. He remains on the one side of the pool, as I remain on the other side.
"Sorry, if I scared you." He says. "If you want me to, I can leave…and just vanish out of your life." No! I want to scream this word. I just can't. He's the only person I have left…well, he's my last family.
"Shell I go?" I only shake my head. I can't talk right now. "Still not the talker. I hoped this would change one day. But, it's okay. I felt bad, when they told me, you're Mum – Dawn – died…well not…because of our great relationship. I worried about you." I only watch him. A hurricane runs through my emotions and I have no clue of what they mean.
"Did you know Trey visited me once in a while? I was quite angry with him, when he told me he left. Especially, when he told my why. He could have taken you with him. I'm sorry…for…for not being there. I'm your father. I…should have been there to protect you and Trey from the…men…no scum is the better description for that. And…and…I'm sorry for what has happened to Trey.…I can't tell you how bad I feel." He's sorry for a lot of things he isn't to be blamed for.
"Okay, uhm…I…better go now. Give you some space. Uhm…would you…would you like to meet me again? So you could be better prepared and…you know?" Yes! I can't say this, because I'm fucking scared.
"Uhm…don't…rush…things okay." I'm able to answer, but I'm not sure if this was audible at this distance.
"So…you want me to go…that's okay…ten years is… " He understood exactly what I didn't wanted him to understand.
"No…I…is…but…" I'm not able to build a full sentence.
"So, we see us again…and we take it easy, is it what you want to tell me?" I nod. "Okay, that's…I understand you. I gave Mrs. Cohen my phone number and address. So when you feel like talking or dropping by, don't hesitate." He says. Then he leaves.
In the evening I'm sitting over my homework, but I'm unable to concentrate on it.
"Hey, dinner is ready." It's Sandy.
"Yeah, just a second." I want to finish this sentence, but I've already forgotten about it was. When I've finished it, Sandy again sits in one of the basket-chairs. This meant: conversation. It seemed as if I was having three a day of them.
"And, do you want to see him again?" Of course he wants to know about this. I could have seen it coming.
"Guess so." I'm not in a mood for long conversations, but I owe them honest answers.
"And how do you feel about this?" That's what I'm asking myself since he left.
"Dunno…strange…Ten years is a long time." Why do I tell him? I don't know, but if I do, I must really get rid of it.
"Nobody expects you to behave as if these ten years never happened. A relationship needs to develop." And this is not easy. I feel bad. Bad, because they want to have a kind of relationship to me, and I didn't allow them. Maybe I have to rethink my attitude. I can't reject my father. He's the only person I…left from my family and I really can't remember having hated him like I did the others. But I also can't go on with rejecting Sandy and Kirsten. I can't go on rejecting and hurting them, not after what they have done for me. And yes, there's already something I can't deny. What means, I have to kick my ass and stop being suspicious about everything and everyone.
"I know…it's…just…I learned to live without him for ten years and…now he's there again…dunno."
"This definitely turns your life upside down and it's okay to be afraid of this change – especially when there had been that much in such a short time."
"And what if it doesn't work?"
"I don't see that possibility. But if it doesn't, nobody can blame you. You were six when he left, now you're sixteen, so still not old enough to play the parent. And promise me, you won't start doing so."
"I try to." I answer. It's not easy to behave like an OC-teenager, when you're actually a Chino-teenager.
"And promise me to talk to me, if anything bothers you. This is not going to be easy and we all know you're already overtaxed with everything." This was not going to be easy. No, but has he to be that cruel and tell me things I don't want to hear or know?
"Ryan, we don't want to lose you." But you can't avoid it, when it's time to.