My boy, my turn
Now we're sitting in Dr. Kim's office. I'm a little nervous as I don't have an idea what this will lead to. Is there any opportunity to help Ryan? I know Dr. Kim is a little suspicious about my boy and I fear she now feels convinced in her prejudices. I feel a little out of place right now. His father is back and we're only his foster parents. His father should sit here now. But he had admitted that he won't be able to behave proper in this situation. As he had said: ten years jail and one had to learn to live in society from new.
"Mrs. and Mr. Cohen. I'm glad you could make it here today." Dr. Kim greets us.
"Well, as you must have noticed Ryan's achievements fell off and, in regard to his former achievements, I don't think this has something to do with any kind of incompetence."
"And that's what makes us worry about the whole situation." I say. My first fear vanished.
"In my opinion this problem is wide more complex as it seems to be. Meaning we need to find a more complex solution."
"What do you consider as complex problem?" My husband asks.
"I talked to his teachers and they told me that his grades aren't related to his decreasing efforts. He even took a lot of extra classes only to be able to keep up with the others. And then I talked to our school therapist explaining her Ryan's situation and his background – describing the last few months. And she asked whether it ever had been considered that Ryan consults a therapist." Hu? My boy is no case for a shrink. He has some - several problems. We can call it major problems, but he's not bananas.
"Not yet." My husband answers. I'm still too shocked.
"Okay, Mrs. Turner asked, whether you would like to talk to her. I'm sure she is a better expert in this and will find a solution which will help Ryan to get back to where he stood before." I look at my husband. I was certain Ryan hadn't become lazy. But I wasn't certain he was in such deep problems that he needed a therapist. If I had seen this, I already would have pulled all strings. No, wait. Therapist? Ryan? This was never going to work. Ryan didn't even talk to Marissa about everything. So how was he supposed to talk to some stranger?
"And what about his history teacher Dr. Bork?" My husband asks.
"I don't know what you're talking about. Dr. Bork is a very competent teacher and I'm glad having him here." Of course she did.
"I don't doubt that, but I can imagine that there are some conflicts between him and Ryan which I doubt are all Ryan's fault." The lawyer at my side. Yes, I'm glad he was talking. He always pronounced things in a polite version. I couldn't do so. This here was about my boy and when something is about my boys I have trouble to remain calm.
"He's new at Harbor High and I admit Dr. Bork has had some concerns about Ryan's background – as we all had, when Ryan came here. But I'm sure this has eased off, when Ryan had behaved in classes as he does in the others."
"But it doesn't seem like that, after what our son and Ryan told us." I step in. I don't want accept that it is only my boy's fault. Neither can I imagine it. He's so concerned about satisfying all others that he's forgetting himself about it.
"As I told you, Dr. Bork is a very competent teacher and I trust him." I don't do so.
"And when can we talk to Mrs. Turner?" My husband asks. He easy switches this topic? Hadn't he listened to what this woman had said to us? She said it was all Ryan's fault. And this therapist thing? I feel this all goes into a complete wrong direction.
"Immediately if you want to." Dr. Kim suggests. "Here that's the room number." She hands my husband a piece of paper with a number on it.
We're on our way to this therapist.
"Don't you think we should talk to Ryan first?" I ask my husband. He needs to see that this goes into the wrong direction.
"Kirsten, we're not making any decisions. We only talk to Mrs. Turner, see what she thinks about the situation and then we can talk to Ryan."
"I just don't think he'll take it well, when he recognizes that we had been talking to someone without speaking to him first. You know how important it is for him to decide on his own." I give my doubts space.
"You're right, but do you think he's in any state to make any decisions that are good for him?" I have no answer to that. Of course he's only sixteen years old and after all these things in his past it's understandable to be sceptical about it. On the other hand he's used to care for himself. That he sometimes does something stupid doesn't mean he's unable to take responsibility anymore.
We reach the room and my heart's beating. It feels as if my chest would burst every second. I want to help him, but if this was the right way? My maternal feelings say no. Maybe it was better if I just started to…force him to be part of the family. In my opinion it had been our fault. We have given him too much space to draw back and this was the result.
My husband knocks on the door then we step in. A corpulent woman is already waiting for us, sitting behind her desk.
"Mrs. and Mr. Cohen I guess." She says, stands up and then shakes our hand formally. She gestures us to sit down and I can say by now: bad mistake.
"You're here because of Ryan's situation, aren't you?"
"That's right." I feel attacked by this woman although she only had said less than two sentences. I don't like her and she can't help us.
"Dr. Kim already informed me, about his school achievements and about what he went through a few months ago. Just awful, poor boy. And then his background. Just to be expected that he doesn't handle things too well." She starts to judge my boy, without knowing him. I hate these people.
"We aren't sure yet. To find out, whether this is the reason or not, is why we're here." I say to stop her from her judgment.
"Oh, okay, then can you tell me something about Ryan? What kind of impression does he make? Are there any changes in his behaviour? Things like that." I can't tell her. It feels like betrayal to me if I did, without him knowing about this. I want to help him really bad, but not at any price.
"He has difficulties with sleeping. He's not eating as much as a boy in his age should. He's working hard for school, but doesn't succeed. Things like that." My husband starts and I want to tell him to shut up. But he's at a loss with his wisdom. He has a good heart and he suffers as I do by seeing our boy in such a state. But what we're doing is just not correct.
"And any other abnormalities like aggression or does he seem more often sad to you, than he used to?" She picks on.
"He can fly into rage easily, but this was the case even before all…you know what. And sad…I would better describe it as depressed as he's not the type of person for being sad." This is private so stop talking. I always thought lawyer meant being loyal towards your clients. I was mistaken, because my husband was sending our boy – my boy sending to his psychological doom.
"And this mood. Is it permanent or does it light up once in a while?" This is none of your business, bitch. Oh! I should watch my inner language. I can't approve my son and then think in these words. But this is the truth.
"It used to be a permanent state, but recently it looks as if it lights up once in a while, not for long, but it does." I want to leave this session. I can't take this conversation any longer. Does nobody notice how wrong this is?
"Do you know the reason, for this change?" I beg that he doesn't tell her, but…he's a lawyer.
"Since his father is out of jail. He starts to spend time with him and this seems to do him some good." His father? This man, after ten years? No! How could such a person be a father? This was impossible.
"Oh, do you think that his father – I mean in this state – is good company for him? I mean, of course it's important that he can build up a relationship to his real father, but in my opinion this might be a dangerous game. I don't want to hurt any feelings, but judging from what you said it's probable that his father might influence him and…well this can be some kind of bad influence, if you understand what I mean."
"No, I don't." I blow up. Of course this person can't be a father figure for Ryan. But this man really cares for his son and is prepared to do everything for his son. I doubt he could be dangerous.
"In cases like Ryan's it might be that he takes his father – who had been away for so long – as kind of ideal. And I don't think that a father, who had been in jail is the best ideal a kid in Ryan's age can have."
"Don't worry, we have control over this." I say. I can't hide my anger.
"Okay, if you say so, I'm sure there's nothing to worry about. So, I have an idea what might be wrong with Ryan. Nevertheless I need to talk to him too. Let us make an appointment for today after school." Hu? And how shell I'll be able to explain him this situation carefully without pushing him away?
"Can't it wait until tomorrow?" I ask.
"Unfortunately this situation is serious and we need to act as early as possible to prevent further damage. Don't worry. I know what I'm doing." I doubt that.
We leave the room and I foresee what'll happen and I can't say I'm looking forward it.
"Kirsten, what's wrong with you. This woman wants to help us and you're attacking her verbally." My husband says. That much ignorance isn't typical for him.
"I feel as if we betray him and I bet this will lead only to more disputes."
"If we want to help him we have to take our chances and make unpopular decisions." I don't think we're helping him, but I shut up. I reached a state of frustration on which I easily could run riot on my husband in front of whole Harbor High and this isn't necessary.
My son and Ryan step out of the school building. I'm nervous.
"Hey boys!" My husband greets them as if everything was fine.
"Hey! Dad, Mum? What are you doing here?" My son asks.
"We need to talk to Ryan." I say and catch a suspicious look from Ryan.
"He was with me the whole day I can testify that. He has had no time to mess up anything." My son says immediately. I admit Ryan had done him good. He had stopped only thinking about himself but started to stand in for others.
"We don't say that. It's just…we have a meeting with Mrs. Turner." My husband says.
"To Mrs. Bananas? Are you sure Ryan is the right one? Not that I want to be in Ryan's position. But Ryan definitely has lost less marbles than I did, if you understand what I mean."
"Seth, nobody says that Ryan is nuts. We only want to check out, why he fell off in quality this quarter."
"And this without asking me first. Nice." I see the anger in his eyes and my fears become true.
"Ryan this is only for your own good." My husband approves him.
"Sure." He says but he follows us in.
"Mrs. and Mr. Cohen, Ryan, nice to see you managed to come in." Mrs. Turner says.
"So Ryan. You're parents…"
"Foster parents." He's driving a new road and this road hurts. But I told my husband first and nobody listened.
"Okay, well your foster parents are worried about you, as there a problems with sleeping and eating and I want to know what you say to all this."
"When I'm not eating it probably means, I'm not hungry and when I'm not sleeping I'm not tiered. Is this a crime?" Yes, I like the way he treats this woman, although I know this is everything else than helpful in this case.
"And what about your mood? Your foster parents described you as depressed. How do you see that?"
"I'm not a born sun shine. Dunno where the problem is." The woman was making some notes.
"Ryan you need to cooperate otherwise I can't help you."
"I didn't ask you to." This is rude. I'm glad to know how he can be and that this is not his real personality – or not the one he shows me and my husband.
"No you didn't. Do you allow anyone to help you?"
"I can help myself. I'm sixteen. I don't need to be pampered." Although I really would like to do so sometimes.
"As I see we won't go far here. Okay, I give you some papers with questions. I want you to write down the answers. Can you do that for me and being honest?"
"Two things at once? I thought women were the experts in multitasking."
"Ryan, stop it!" My husband bawls him out. "We're here to solve your problems and I want you to work together with us."
"What kind of problem are you talking about?" He asks.
"School report, some bells are ringing?" I can understand that my husband is on the edge, but I don't like the way he's treating the boy. We both know that this only leads to more protest.
"One time your little toy doesn't work as you like it to and immediately there's a problem? That's ridiculous." The atmosphere is strained again and it doesn't take long until it explodes. In this I'm the expert.
"It's time that we all calm down. I think it's better if you go out and wait until I'm finished with Ryan in here." Mrs. Turner says and then we leave. We're waiting in silence. There's nothing to talk about. It's a long time, but eventually we can go back in.
"Well, I evaluated Ryan's test and his behaviour and…I'm sorry to say this, but…Ryan is suffering from a server depression which needs to be treated as soon as possible, if we want to prevent any further damage." I look at my boy and I see in his face that this is something he doesn't want to hear.
"Yeah sure, now I'm not even a violent delinquent from the wrong area. Now I'm even nuts. Gives some more stuff for Newport gossip." He says and storms out. My husband wants to follow him. I stop him. Ryan needs his space right now.
"And…how…do you treat a depression?" As I never was confronted with that, I have no idea.
"Well, I would recommend sessions at a therapist. I can give you the names of some really good ones, especially in handling kids like Ryan." Well Ryan won't like that, but honestly: I've thought about this earlier too.
"And then he should take antidepressants, as the way the depression goes is affecting his health. No sleep and no eating, you know."
"No." I say. I'm reluctant to drug only one of my boys with happy pills only for making his grades at school getting better. This goes too far.
"Okay." My husband says and I know, this time it's on me to help the boy. I don't think chemistry will help him in anyway. So, this time I have to fight for the boy.