AN: Yep. Pretty sure this chapter is PG-17 for language and some sexual situations. I don't know if it's quite 'M' but hey, I did warn you so...

Wrestling God Fact # 727 – Wrestling Gods do not like hypocrites. They tend to punish them in department stores.

~~xx~~

For Animal Luvr 4 Life and Esha Napoleon

~*~*~

"So what you're telling me is that you're gay now?" They hiked a little ways more then made a right turn on the nature trail. Since it was still a couple of days before the next taping of Raw, they decided to take a little walk in order to clear their heads. Well…it was more Cena's suggestion than anything because Dave had no problems in life right now not to mention he hated nature trails. Cena let out an exasperated sigh.

"No, Dave. I mean…I don't really know what I mean. I find myself lusting after guys but mostly Shawn or Chris."

"Which makes you gay."

"No…how does that make me gay Dave? And who turns gay over night?" Dave let out a chuckle. They turned a corner on the path which let to park area. There were all kinds of children out playing with their pets which made Dave frown. "Hello? Dave? Are you listening to me? I'm having a fucking crisis for Christ's sake!"

"Oh…sorry man," he winced. "I was…kind of zoned out. So anyway. Continue."

"Maybe I should have invited Adam instead." Dave shook his head.

"Naa…don't think you would have been able to get him to come ace. He's having some sort of identity crisis."

"What the hell's up with him?"

"Something about…well, it's odd. Snitsky thinks he's really Adam." Cena shook his head.

"Whoa. Dude that's…wow."

"Yeah and now you're on some kick about being gay but not really."

"Dammit Dave! I already told ya that I'm not gay! I just…fantasize about licking Shawn's—

"Whoa. Dude. That's way too much info." Dave felt something rubbing against the bottom of his jeans. He quickly looked down to see a squirrel sitting beside him. Dave grinned maniacally as he drew back and kicked the squirrel up the path.

"Dave…dude, that was harsh."

"So what? I hate animals."

"Excuse me?" Cena asked.

"Uh…I hate animals. Now let's get going before some other creature decides to attack me." They walked off the trail and started back to what Dave called 'real civilization'. Meanwhile, Cena was having a hard time grasping Dave's last statement.

"Dude. You…you call yourself 'The Animal Batista'. Isn't that a little hypocritical?"

"And you're John 'Wonder Boy' Cena who never loses, never does anything wrong, and could never in a million years be gay….but you are."

"Dave that's different. It's not like I've always—

"So you mean to say you've always been gay?"

"No, I just…forget it. You'd never understand and would think I'm crazy if I told you what Chris told me." They kept walking down the sidewalk until they reached Wal-Mart. It was a pretty random location for a supercenter considering it was only a few feet from a nature trail but whatever. "Hey Dave. Can we go in here for a sec?"

"Uh…why?"

"Because I wanna get Shawn some candy. He loves candy."

"As if he needs anymore. Alright. Fine but what is Chris going to say about you buying his lover gifts?"

"I'll get him some mascara to shut him up now let's go." With a reluctant sigh, Dave followed Cena into the department store. For a pretty random Wal-Mart, it was still full of annoying people. Most of them were tourists having never been to Tennessee but all the same it was your typical crowed supercenter. Despite the crowd, Cena and Dave were able to maneuver around pretty well. It would seem that big burly wrestlers were uncommon in the area so they quickly moved out of their way whenever they got near. After a few minutes of walking, they came across the tool area.

"Oh Cena. Let's go down here. I just remembered that I need to get a new wrench."

"Alright." They proceeded down the tool isle in search of a wrench. While Dave mumbled to himself about finding the perfect wrench, Cena wondered off to another isle. When he turned the corner, he stopped dead in his tracks. "Hunter?" Hunter must not have heard him because he was still standing rooted in one spot glaring angrily at the sledgehammers hanging on the racks. Cena cleared his throat. This time Hunter jumped and looked his way. With a sigh of relief he managed a smile.

"Oh hey Cena. What are you doing here?"

"I'm…here to get mascara and candy. What are you doing here?" Hunter raised an eyebrow at Cena.

"Mascara?"

"Oh it's not for me," he said quickly. "It's…never mind who it's for and anyway, why are you standing here glaring at these hammers? What did they ever do to you?" Hunter frowned.

"None of your damn business," he snapped. Cena stared at him for a moment and then his eyes finally landed on the item in his hand.

"You're carrying a dangerous weapon around Wal-Mart. Is there something you need to tell me?"

"Didn't I say mind your business?" he choked. Cena quirked his brow. Did his voice just crack? Is he…is he crying?

"Yeah but…you have any idea how this looks?" Cena asked. He slowly approached Hunter who was now shaking furiously from his anger. Cena somehow managed to get close to him and Hunter dropped his hammer and folded himself into Cena's arms. "There there Hunter. It's going to be alright." Hunter sobbed into his chest unable to hold it in anymore.

"He…it…it tortures me at night Cena," he cried. "The…the hammers. They're jealous of the love I have for Shawn. They won't…they keep me up at night threatening me to worship them but I won't. I refuse to do it Cena because there just can't be such things as Wrestling Gods."

"Wrestling Gods?" Hunter nodded. "Oh I see. They got you too huh?" Hunter pulled away frowning.

"What do you mean Cena? There aren't—

"I'm gay," he mumbled.

"Excuse me? I didn't quite catch that."

"I said I'm gay."

"Huh? You got to speak—

"FINE! I'M GAY! I'M FUCKING GAY! IS EVERYBODY HAPPY NOW?!" Hunter blinked several times before he doubled over with laughter.

"Oh…oh my God…I…I knew it," he breathed. "I always knew you were gay!"

"I WAS NOT GAY! THE WRESTLING GODS MADE ME GAY!" Cena didn't realize he had been shouting until he noticed people scrambling to get away from them in hushed whispers. Cena let out a loud groan. "I hate my life. I really hate my life right now." He looked over at Hunter who was now standing there with a highly amused look on his face. "Fuck you Hunter. I'm leaving."

"Would you really?" he teased.

"Alright. That's it!" Cena stormed up to Hunter. Grabbing his shirt he pulled him closer. "Take that back! Take that BACK!"

"Alright alright. Sorry," he chuckled. Cena let go of him and started backing away. "Uh…wait a second Cena. I have a question for you."

"What now?"

"Since you won't fuck me, can I fuck you?"

"WHAT?!"

"No, no, no…don't…don't take it personally Cena. I just…well to be perfectly honest, I haven't gotten any since Shawn left me for Chris. Then again, it was a fight to get Shawn to be still long enough to get inside him so I don't know if I'd count the few times I was able to pin him to the bed."

"You could have kept that to yourself."

"Well hell, I just thought you'd like to know, especially since you've always had a thing for him."

"I do NOT—

"Yeah yeah so can I do you?"

"What? No!"

"Oh come on Cena. It won't hurt…much." Hunter slowly approached Cena licking his lips. He hadn't gotten any in weeks because of the Wrestling Gods and by God he was going to get some from Cena. Besides, he couldn't deny Cena was a hot piece of man. With his cute little butt like Shawn's he could very well be tight - if not tighter than Shawn. Just thinking about it was making him hurt.

"Hunter…why are you looking at me like that?" Hunter was no longer paying attention. He was too busy picturing Cena naked on his bed. Cena saw the lust in his eyes and it scared him to death. My first time will definitely not be with this lunatic!

~*~*~

Meanwhile, on the other isle, Dave was having no such luck finding the perfect sized wrench. Dammit! You call this a supercenter? What kid of supercenter has every size wrench except the right one? Dave shook his head as he gave up the hunt for a wrench. He walked to the end of the isle then made a right. On this isle, there was a bunch of air fresheners that could be used to hang in the car and all of them were in the shape of animals. Dave frowned. Why must they make air fresheners shaped like stupid animals? I fucking hate animals! Dave looked around to make sure no one was watching before tearing down all the air fresheners. He began ripping them apart one by one until the isle was littered with pieces of rabbit, bears, and kitten fresheners. Dave laughed maniacally at his doings then proceeded down the isle. He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw some kid standing at the other end. He was blonde and looked about five years old. His face was twisted in a scowl that Dave found quite amusing.

"Uh…you lost your parents kid?"

"No. I don't have any parents you asshole."

"Excuse me? Did you just call me an asshole?"

"Yes I did you asshole. You're also a fucktard for ripping up all those air fresheners. I saw you."

"Whatever kid. I'm an adult. I can do what I want."

"Just like you kicked that squirrel this morning right?"

"So what?" Dave scoffed. "It touched me and no one touches the animal and gets away with it."

"The Animal huh? What kind of person calls himself 'The Animal' Batista but doesn't like animals?"

"Uh…Oh I get it," Dave laughed. "You're one of those wrestling fans who believe everything they see on TV. Look kid, that's just my TV persona. I call myself The Animal because I'm huge. It gets the ladies in a frenzy and so I'm cool with that. But I don't have to like animals just because my stage names says otherwise so get over it kid."

"Yeah well I think you're being a hypocrite."

"Hey kid. You remember The Rock?"

"Yeah."

"Well then…IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK!" he yelled. Dave flexed his muscles then angrily pushed his way past the kid.

"You will pay Dave. The Wrestling Gods will teach you a lesson about being a hypocrite. And since you kicked that poor defenseless squirrel, you're going to pay twice as much."

"Whatever kid," he laughed before starting down the next isle. He ended up stopping half wondering whether or not what he was seeing was real. It was Cena lying on his stomach in the middle of the isle, with Hunter on top of him. Cena arms were flailing everywhere and he was creaming at the top of his lungs for Hunter to get off of him. Hunter of course, was paying him no mind as he held his head down with one hand and moved his hips against the back of him.

"Oh yeah Cena," he growled. "If you'd just be still…God I can tell your ass is tight!"

"GET OFF OF ME! I WON'T LOSE TO YOU! I'M GOING TO STAY A VIRGIN FOR LIFE!"

"Yeah well I'm tired of being topped. I'm going to top you if it's the last…HEY WHAT GIVES!" Dave pulled Hunter off of Cena then helped the nervous younger man to his feet. He fixed his clothes then cut Hunter a dirty look.

"You creep. You tried to rape me!" Hunter just shrugged.

"Well…you did say you were gay. And it's not rape if you consent to it."

"I…I didn't consent." I have wondered what it would be like since Shawn seems to enjoy it so much but…I never said it outloud!

"Sure you did. My sledgehammer told me you were curious."

"Wha…what?" He can't be serious?!

"Uh…right. You two are freaking me out. Cena, let's go get your damn candy and mascara so we can get the hell up out of here. There's too much weirdness going on in here." Dave grabbed Cena's hand and started leading him towards the candy area. Before they got to the candy isle, Dave made them stop to look at stuffed animals. They were all so pretty. All the different pastel colors made Dave feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

"Uh…Dave? Why are we looking at stuffed animals?" Dave looked over at Cena with a puzzled look on his face.

"I uh…need to get my girl a gift."

"Oh okay. Well while we're over here maybe I'll get Shawn a gift as well."

"But he's not your boyfriend!" Dave snapped.

"What's it to you Dave?" Cena snapped back. Having realized that they were still holding hands, Dave jerked Cena towards him until they were practically touching noses. Cena's face turned a light shade of pink for he still wasn't used to being so close to men outside the ring. Plus, he hated to admit it but Dave was sexy as hell. A little big for his taste – that is if he even had a taste in men yet, but all the same he could feel his face flushing. Dave watched Cena's face turn pink and for some reason it found it to be…cute. He pressed his face closer to Cena's until their noses touched. Cena instinctively closed his eyes as Dave pressed their lips together. The kiss was short lived when Cena suddenly shoved Dave away.

"Dude. What…what gives man? I thought you were straight?!" he stammered. Dave blinked a couple times before a wide grin formed across his face.

"Maybe it's just you that I want Cena." Cena frowned then picked up a stuffed bear throwing it at Dave.

"Stop playing man. Seriously. Now get your fucking gift for your girl and let's get going. Never mind. I tell you what. You stay here and I'll go on and get the mascara and candy." Cena stormed off muttering to himself about Wal-Mart making people crazy leaving Dave alone with the stuffed animals. When Cena was finally out of hindsight, Dave let out a sigh. What the fuck is up with me? Why the hell did I just kiss Cena? Nothing. It was nothing. Dave smiled to himself as he stared at the huge bears lining the shelf forgetting all about his last thoughts. Hmm…maybe Cena will like this one. Oooo and I have got to get those for myself! I just love teddy bears! Just wait til Cena comes back! He's going to love me for sure!

~*~*~

"Shawn! Chris! Open up the door and hurry!" Cena banged on the door for another ten seconds or so before the door swung open.

"What!?" Chris snapped. He was wearing a black skirt and some black heels to match it. His shirt was a red and black tank that went beautifully with the red sequined belt around his waist. Cena had to make himself stop drooling as he pushed himself inside the room slamming the door. He locked all the locks then leaned back against the door breathing heavily.

"Oooo is that candy I see?!" Shawn was only half dressed wearing only a little red mini skirt. He ran over to Cena grabbing all the candy out of his hand. Meanwhile Chris just stood there with his arms folded looking very annoyed.

"Cena, what the hell man? What's with all this banging and screaming?" Cena shoved the mascara in Chris' hand making Chris squeal in delight!

"OMG! I have new mascara! I have got to test it out!" Chris forgot all about scolding Cena and quickly ran into the restroom shutting the door behind him. Cena plopped down on the bed next to Shawn who was happily sucking on his favorite pink lollipop. He laid back against the covers staring at the ceiling. Although Shawn was happy to have lollipops, he couldn't help but notice how frightened Cena looked. His face was pale and he was breathing heavily. I wonder what happened to him… Shawn pup his sucker away then rolled over on the bed. He crawled on top of Cena straddling his waist. The younger man's eyes grew wide with shock causing Shawn to giggle.

"What's the matter Cena?" he teased. "Are you afraid?"

"I…I…" Shawn leaned forward and licked his lips.

"Calm down. I'm only teasing. Besides, you look ill. I wanna know what happened to you."

"I…I was almost raped twice today," he shuddered.

"By girls?"

"No. By…by two guys." Shawn giggled.

"Aww you poor thing. You'll get used to it. People try to rape me all the time," he said thoughtfully. "But you...I would think the Gods wanted you to be a top but...maybe you really are a bottom!" Shawn's eyes flashed playfully making Cena feel nervous.

"Shawn? Shawn why are you…you looking at me like that?"

"It sounds like the Gods lied to you." Shawn slid his hands up Cena's chest making the poor guy even more nervous. "They tend to do that when they're in need of amusement. But we can't know for sure unless we test my theory."

"Theory? Test?" he squeaked. "How…are you planning to test this theory?" Cena tried to sit up on the bed but Shawn forced him back down.

"Shawn…Shawn please man…what gives? First Hunter then Dave…"

"Dave tried to rape you?" he asked with mock concern.

"Yeah though I can't help but think you're just a little too amused by it." John sat up again only to have Shawn shove him back down.

"I'm not amused Cena," he grinned. "Just slightly happy that they didn't get to you first." Shawn licked the side of Cena's neck then giggled when Cena shoved him away.

"Shawn don't do this," he pleaded but Shawn shoved him back down on the bed.

"Just yesterday you wanted to suck on my sucker. How about I show you what it feels like before I pop…your…cherry?" he giggled. Shawn grinded on Cena letting him know how turned on he was until a loud voice stopped him.

"LIKE HELL YOU WILL! CENA! CENA BABY I LOVE YOU! LET ME POP YOUR CHERRY BABY!"

"Is that…Dave?" Shawn asked. Cena nodded fearfully. Shawn rolled his eyes and went back to his assault on Cena. "Well, forget him. I'm too turned on to stop now anyway!" Shawn kissed his way down Cena's chest stopping to flick his tongue over one of his nipples. Cena moaned in response making Dave even angrier.

"CENA! WHAT'S HE DOING TO YOU IN THERE? SHAWN! SHAWN STOP! YOU HAVE CHRIS! LET ME HAVE CENA!"

"I CAN HAVE WHOEVER I WANT! NOT MY FAULT YOU REALIZED A DAY LATE THAT YOU'RE GAY!"

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHAT'S WITH ALL THIS…?" Chris came out of the restroom and just stared at the sight before him. Cena was half sitting up on the bed, his face drained of all color while Shawn was straddled across his waist angrily. Someone was banging loudly on the door making the situation that much worse. Chris pursed his lips.

"I would ask, but I get the feeling I already know. Dave, for the love of God, stop being a whiny pussy! Shawn's NOT going to be popping anybody's cherry tonight except mine."

"But Chris—

"Shut it Shawn! As for Cena, trust me. Your beloved is in great hands now go calm yourself down. He's never going to come out if you keep stalking him like this!"

"But Chris," Dave whined. "I got several teddy bears for him and me to make love on and…"

"That's too much info big guy." Chris sighed. Why must people continuously piss off the Wrestling Gods and why must I solve everyone's problems? "Dave look. Come back tomorrow after you've calmed down a bit and I promise you Cena will go out with you."

"Wha…," Cena started but Shawn cut him off.

"Shut it," Shawn hissed. "He's just telling him that now play along."

"Oh okay. Uh…yeah Dave. Tomorrow…a date." Dave squealed on the other side of the door.

"Really?!? Alright! Well I gotta get going now. I'm going to spend the whole day getting ready for our date. Thanks Chris!" he hollered through the door before hurrying off. When Cena was sure he was gone, he let out a huge breath.

"Thank God."

"No. Don't you be thanking God because if it wasn't for your stupidity, you wouldn't be in this situation!" Chris snapped. "And get away from my man!"

"But I…"

"No excuses!" Chris climbed on the bed and squeezed himself between Shawn and Cena. "Now I'll stay here for the rest of the day if I have to but you two are not going to make a habit out of making out!"

"But Chris I was only testing my theory," Shawn whined.

"What theory?"

"That Cena's a bottom."

"You get to top me 90% of the time Shawn. You're so greedy!"

"Well…I've never popped a cherry before!" he pouted.

"Oh for the…shut it Shawn. You're not getting your hands on Cena and if you keep this up, you'll never top again."

"Like you can stop me," he grumbled. Shawn finally rolled over and went back to sucking his lollipops. Chris shook his head letting out a defeated sigh. I wonder who they'll get next…

AN: Up next, some Diva action for my dear friend Adnacia because let's face it, they need a good kick in the rear every now and then.