AN: CM Punk and Vladimir Kozlov's characters are based off the ones created by Taker-took-my-Toys. They are from her "Diaries" fic and I couldn't help but continue on her legacy. I doubt I did them the kind of justice she would but I had this idea to make Punk…well you'll see and the way she made him fit his "problem". So…enjoy.
Wrestling God Fact # 497 - The Gods are guilty of creating mayhem. However there is always good underneath it all, often times resulting in the realization that maybe the change is for the better. But before the realization takes over, one must go through a series of mishaps until the right one presents itself resulting in a "happily ever after" scenario.
Wrestling God Fact # 518 - It is never okay to drink in large quantities but in the case that a God makes you drink, it's probably for the best.
Wrestling God Fact # 1 - Sex Gods are teases and 99% of the time, they don't know this. 100% of the time they are unaware that they even are Gods at all. Best thing for you to do when approached by a Sex God is to run.
~~**~~
For SkyeEyes16, Deathbat Hardy Girl and Taker-took-my-Toys
~*~*~
Chris stood in the hallway checking himself out in a body mirror. He was sporting a new pair of trunks that read 'Spank Me' and he was inwardly daring someone to do it. Tonight he was going to kick their asses even if he didn't want to mess up his new heels. "Ahh I look perfect." With one last glance in the mirror, Chris started down the hall to find his A.D.D. boyfriend Shawn. Along the way he ran into Hunter who was sitting in a chair holding his sledgehammer.
"Er…alright there Hunter?" Chris asked, even though he knew Hunter was still bitter over Shawn. However, much to his surprise Hunter seemed cordial towards him.
"Oh Chris…tina." Chris glared. "Oh come on Chris. I'm just kidding around. How are ya? You look…" Hunter stared at Chris' ridiculous heels and shook his head.
"I look better than you assclown," he huffed.
"Sure you do. So how's Shawn and the kid? Hear you guys are just one big happy family right now."
"Cena's fine. He's officially over Shawn…I think."
"Yeah. That's what I keep telling myself too though at the moment I'm inclined to believe it." At that very second though, Hunter spotted Shawn coming up the hall wearing the tightest black chaps he'd ever seen. His hair was down and he was sucking on his favorite pink lollipop. Hunter sighed. "Nope. Still not over him. Say Chris, can I borrow Shawn? Maybe he, Jeff and I can have a threesome."
"What?! NO!"
"Well it didn't hurt to ask. So why the hell you continue to keep Cena around if he's no longer staring at Shawn with googly eyes?"
"I'm not sure really," he answered thoughtfully. "Maybe I like having him around. It sure is funny watching Shawn beg to pop his cherry."
"Yeah that would amuse me too and—what the fuck is up with Kozlov?" Chris turned around to see Vladimir coming up the hall wearing a Rambo like outfit. He had a rifle in his hand (loaded according to all the screams) and he was wearing a…football helmet. Hunter picked up his hammer. "Alright you. What the hell is up with Kozlov?"
Chris didn't know what to make of Hunter talking with his hammer so he eased away from him being he didn't want to be associated with crazy people. He decided he might as well find out on his own why the hell Kozlov was dressed like Rambo carrying a pistol. He followed the screams into the ladies locker room and was almost run over by divas fleeing the scene.
"Everyone eez going crazy eeround here," Maryse fussed. "I am tired of dis. Chreese you hav to do sometheen about deez…deez Gods! By God look at me! I look horrible! And why eez Kozlov carrying around such a dangerous weapon?"
"I…don't know but I'm going to find out." Chris pushed his way past Maryse. "Hey. Hey Kozlov? What the hell is up with you tonight?"
He turned around saluting Chris. "VI'm preparing vor de war against de Germans. Vey is going to keel us."
"Wha…?"
"Die Deutschen werden uns alle töten (the Germans are going to kill us all). Just you vait and see. Vorld Var thwee!"
Chris let out a sigh. This is going to be a long night…
~**~
John Bradshaw Layfield stood silently against the wall, his hat laying low over his forehead. It was pure madness these days in the WWE and he wanted no part of it. Not that he could be apart of it anyway. Mark or rather The Undertaker, Dark Lord of the Great Grecian Urn forbade him to participate in such shenanigans and he had to obey him or else suffer the wrath of the Wrestling Gods. John sighed. He hated being Mark's slave. It wasn't that he didn't like being told what to do. In fact, he found it wildly erotic that someone could order him around and get away with it. Every time the Deadman spoke it sent chills down his spine; chills that could never mean anything. Why? Because Mark had no interest in a 'slave' and John wanted something more. The Gods made John a slave to Mark because he abused his God power when he was champ. Until they felt John was truly changed he would have to continue making midnight runs to the nearest Wal-Mart to get his boss cheesecake and stakes to use on sacrifices.
A familiar fragrance tickled John's nose and his head quickly shot up. He watched longingly as Shawn walked by followed closely by CM Punk. Shawn was sucking his favorite lollipop while Punk was marching behind him carrying a marshmallow shooter. John sighed. Oh how he'd love to be that lollipop…or the guy that got to spend countless hours alone with Shawn or Punk. Both men were so different but they both had something John had given without ever realizing it – his heart. Haven't I paid enough Gods? John watched Shawn bend over stretching in his ridiculously tight pants. Punk stood idly by playing with his shooter but then suddenly took off up the hall screaming something about saving strangers. That gave John a great view of everyone's favorite resident sexy boy. When Shawn finished stretching he turned around flashing John a warm smile. John turned red in the face and lowered his head again staring down at the floor. He was ashamed of himself for having been caught staring and what's worse he was sure Mark would find out about it at some point. I'm doomed…
"Hey there John."
John looked up and gasped. "Sh…Shawn! Wha…wha…what are you doing? I mean why are you—
Shawn covered his lips with a finger grinned. "Shush. It's okay sweetheart." He giggled. "I saw you watching me stretch. Did you like what you saw or should I do better?" he asked seductively.
"Bu-bu-uh-well…I was…" Shawn smiled that perfect smile and John knew he was going to melt soon. "I…I better get going."
"Aww…why are you leaving?" Shawn pouted. "Was it something I said?" John stared at him for the longest time imagining himself kissing those pouty lips. Shawn giggled again then pressed his lips against John's for a quick kiss. The larger Texan gasped then turned red as a cherry in the face. "OMG! You are so cute Jibble!"
"M-m-m-me…me? You…you think I'm…cute?"
"Yep. I think you're uber cute and..." All of a sudden Shawn's eyes lit up. "Oooo John! Maybe we're like soul mates. My song fits us. You're so freaking cute and I'm sexy. I could make up a song about us!"
"Uh…" John didn't know what to say to that.
"Hmmm…" he frowned. "I'll have to think on it some more so I can sing it properly." Shawn threw his arms around the Texan. "Oh John. I'm so bored. Will you play with me?"
"P-pl-play with you? Uh…Shawn I…I don't know if I can," he stammered looking around for Mark. Ohhh if Chris or Mark sees me I'm dead!
"Oh why not?" Shawn pouted. "You've been standing here all alone most of the night. John Cenapoo won't play with me because he's scared of Chrissypoo. Chrissypoo is somewhere practicing his stripper dance and Hunter's talking with a sledgehammer. I'm feeling neglected and I want to play so play with me Jibble. Please?"
John looked down into those beautiful jewels and wished to God he had stayed in Mark's limo. He sighed. Well if I'm going to die, I might as well die happy. He patted Shawn on the head. "Sure. Why not? What do you want to play?"
Shawn's eyes lit up and then a playful grin crept up on his face. John wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. "Well John…since you asked…I'd really like to play the kissing game."
"Wha…kissing game?" John blushed again causing Shawn to giggle.
"Oh you are too cute Jibble." Shawn grabbed his hand practically dragging him up the hall singing some song about tight cherries happily. "Let's go inside your private locker room. I get the feeling I'm not going to want any interruptions."
~~**~~
Chris was tired of screwing with Kozlov for one evening. He managed to get the ammo and guns away from him but not the helmet. Kozlov refused to remove the football helmet for fear of over head bombing.
"Vey vill vill us Vis! Vombs! Eveywhere!"
"Yeah, yeah," Chris mumbled. He dragged the guns and bag of ammo outside the arena. He told one of the security guards to get rid of it then he slowly made his way back inside. His feet were killing him and he had a huge headache. All he wanted was a moment of peace so he opted for the break room. Once inside he locked the door thanking God that he was finally alone only…he wasn't alone. Sitting on the floor in a corner was the elder Hardy brother Matt and he was crying. Chris frowned. Normally he could give a rats ass about anyone else and their problems. Unfortunately for him, the Gods thought it was funny to make him the messenger and since he was already helping about five other people, he might as well offer his services to Matt. He kicked off his heels and slowly made his way towards Matt. When the older Hardy refused to look up, Chris took a seat beside him, ignoring the slight tingle he got when their arms brushed.
"Wha…what do you want?" Matt sniffled. Chris stared at him for a moment taking in how curly his hair looked and how cute it was.
"Nothing," Chris grumbled. "I just want these parasites to leave me alone and the hypocrites to stop being hypocrites. I'm growing tired of all the madness."
"Oh."
Silence. Chris waited for Matt to volunteer some kind of response but when he didn't Chris thought it best to ask anyway. "So what's wrong with you? Jeff still being a douche?"
"No. He's fine. We're friends again…I think."
"Oh well that's good then right?"
"I guess but…" Matt turned to Chris, his intense dark eyes boring into him making his heart race. "But I don't think I want it anymore…at least not from him."
"Want it?" Chris was confused.
"You…you promise not to tell?"
"Who am I gone tell? Scratch that. Who's actually going to listen?"
Matt smiled. "Good point. Well…Jeff and I have been having sex a lot lately and it's really good sex but I don't want to anymore. But when I try to resist something in me makes me want it and I give into him ya know? He's my baby brother so I got to give him what he wants but my heart's just not in it like it was in the beginning. And I think Jeff's feeling the same way because he spends most of his time letting Hunter do him but in the end, he always comes back to me. Guilt I guess. I love him you know but I also like somebody else. He's…not exactly single and he's probably in love with someone else but even so I need to break away again. I'm happy that Jeff and I are no longer fighting, but it's Hunter he really wants and I want someone else too."
"Wow." Chris laughed nervously. "I expected a lot of things but that was the last thing I expected."
"You think we're weird huh?"
"No…not weird. Weird is watching Randy stare in a mirror for hours screaming at himself for being ugly when he's not. Weird is watching Shawn run around in a skirt begging John to let him pop his cherry." This earned him a really cute giggle from Matt. "And weird is being a guy parading around in trunks and some high heels telling everyone off for being hypocrites. Now THAT'S weird," he chuckled.
Matt's smile faded and his face turned to one of hurt. "I don't think that's weird."
"You…don't?"
"No." He smiled. "I think it's really sexy to be honest." He stood to his feet then reached out his hand helping Chris stand. "Thanks for cheering me up."
"Uh…no problem," he squeaked, feeling nervous for the first time in his life. Matt smiled and before Chris knew it, Matt was cupping his face drawing him in for a kiss.
"Have a good night Chris." He pulled away slowly then left, leaving Chris all alone and completely, utterly confused about everything. What…the hell?
~*~~*~
Cena watched Shawn drag JBL into his private locker room and he sighed. He knew exactly what Shawn was about to do but Shawn was being Shawn. It was either Cena or JBL and Cena considered himself lucky. Shawn had teased him one too many times and Cena wanted him. God he really, really wanted to fuck the hell out of Shawn but it would be wrong. Shawn belonged to Chris though in Shawn's mind he belonged to only himself. Cena shook his head. He didn't see how Chris could stand it, the way people would look at his boyfriend like they wanted to devour him for supper. Cena knew all too well what it was like to be hypnotized by the Sexy Boy. The Wrestling Gods were so cruel having made Shawn look like a Sex God but he wasn't about to actually curse the Gods. Oh hell no. He didn't want to feel any more of their wrath. While a part of him still longed to touch that greedy little blonde he refused to do it. He had too much respect for Chris, especially since Chris was the one who helped him. He just hoped that he could silence his beating heart and make Little John stay asleep whenever Shawn was around otherwise he was going to get in a lot of trouble.
"Psst. Hey Cena?"
"Huh?" John looked up just realizing that he'd been staring down at the floor but he didn't see anyone.
"Yo? Wonder Boy? Down here." John looked down to see a blowpop standing straight on it's little stick.
"Aww," he groaned. "This is not happening again."
"Pick me up yo!" it yelled.
With a sigh, Cena reluctantly picked up the pink blowpop. "What do you want?" he grumbled. "Can't you see I'm brooding?"
"Yo check it. I can see dat but man you gotta get a move on if ya want yo man. Dat Shawn has a tight ass and I wouldn't mind tappin' dat myself!"
Cena quirked his brow. "Um…have you lost your damn mind since last time?"
The sucker giggled. "Sorry Cena. I was just trying to find an easy way to get through to you. Anyway, I just thought I'd tell you that the Gods are happy with you. They think you're taking this gay thing quite well."
"Good for me…I guess."
"Yeah. Good for you! But you should know that the Gods will be making you un-gay soon."
"Huh? Come again?"
It giggled. "Yep. They are going to put you back to normal soon. That is what you want right?"
"Uh…well…"
"Mn…God I'm so hot for you John," Shawn moaned. "I'm imagining you right now kissing my neck and touching my..."
"Don't worry your pretty little head off John. The Gods can't interfere with true love therefore if you fall in love with a man then despite what we do, you'll remain the same. That goes for all the guys here. But don't take the word 'soon' to heart. Soon could mean 3 days or it could mean 300 days. It just all depends on how we feel. I'll be the first of the Gods to say that it definitely won't be in 3 days. Some of these guys are yet to learn their lessons. So keep me and give me to someone you like later. I've been told that I'm a lucky sucker."
"Uh right."
"Well good bye John. Keep up the good work!"
John shook the lollipop a few times then put it in his pocket. Damn Gods.
~*~*~
It was a long crazy night at the arena and when the show was over, Chris and the other headed straight back to the hotel. "Man what a crazy night," Chris mumbled. He slid down the door of their (and by 'their' I mean Shawn, Chris and Cena) hotel room glad to be away from the arena for once. Cena took a seat on the edge of the bed while Shawn stretched out beside him watching Chris with playful eyes.
"Aww hunny it wasn't that bad," he grinned. "I was highly amused tonight."
"That's because you had JBL looking at you like a piece of candy all night," Cena mumbled. "Flirting with him and all."
"Awww are you jealous?"
"No," he grumbled.
"Not my fault the Gods made me irresistible Johnny. Besides I've seen you look at me that way too," Shawn said smugly then he lowered his voice so that only Cena could hear him. "You can have me whenever you like John."
Cena pretended to ignore him even though his brain was creating all kinds of scenarios that involved him touching Shawn all over the place. "That's because you tease me when Christina over there isn't looking," he mumbled.
"I do not!" Shawn huffed. "Besides I don't tease. I please," he answered smugly.
"Yes you do!"
"Do not!"
"Do too!"
"Do not!"
"Do too!"
"Oh will you two stop it?" Chris snapped. "I've had it up to here with the Gods for one night."
"You know Chris, for once I'd have to agree," Cena mused. "There was so much craziness going on that I'm sure Vince is probably ready to have all of us tested for every drug possible."
Chris sighed. "I've seen things like this happen before and as much as I hate the craziness, I can't say that we're completely doomed. At least everyone can still go out there and put on a show each night. It got so bad at WCW that we ended up having to sell to Vince."
"Wait a second. You mean to tell me WCW fell because of the Wrestling Gods?" Cena asked.
"Yep but don't worry about the WWE…yet. Not everyone has been affected and the ones that have aren't being punished to the point where they can't perform."
"I don't know Chris," Shawn said skeptically. "Did you actually talk with Punk tonight?"
Chris shook his head. "No. I was a little preoccupied trying to get Kozlov to understand that we are not going to war with Russia anytime soon but it was like talking to a brick wall. I don't think he understood a word I said."
Shawn and Cena cut each other looks before bursting out laughing. "Okay…I'm…I'm sorry," Cena laughed. "It's not really funny but then it is kind of funny being that it was Punk."
"So what did he do?" Chris asked.
"Well…" Shawn started but Cena cut him off.
"Oh no blondie. I'm telling the story. I know you. You'll leave stuff out or blame me when it was really all you."
"But I—
"Nope. I got this," Cena grinned. "Okay Chris. So Shawn and I…"
~xx~
"Shawn for the hundredth time I am not going to touch you again and you are not poppin my cherry baby."
"But John," Shawn pouted. "I saw you watching me get dressed this morning and last night I could feel Little John poking me—
"You…you what?" Cena stammered, his face turning redder by the second. He didn't really remember getting a hard on last night unless it was from the dream he had about Shawn and Chris. The two made out so much that it was hard not to have wet dreams about doing stuff with them.
Shawn grinned. "Yep. You were hard as a rock and I started to put you out of your misery but I didn't want to wake Chrissy. He was uber tired after that fiasco with Maryse and Maria."
"Uh…" Cena chuckled nervously. "Must have been that dream I had."
"Dream huh?" Shawn smirked before closing the gap between them urging Cena back against the cool steel. "How about I make that dream cum true?" Shawn ghosted his hands across John's chest all the way down to his belt. "Was I in this dream?" he asked softly.
"Sh…Shawn…I can't…I can't tell you and please don't tease man," he pleaded. "I want nothing more than to lick your sucker. I really want to but Chris…Chris will kill me and throw me out."
"Who says he has to know?" Shawn teased. "Besides not your fault he left me unattended." Shawn slid a hand over Cena's belt then down in between his legs rubbing the outside of his shorts until he felt Cena hardening in his hand. "Oh dear. What have we here?"
"Shawn stop teasing man," Cena pleaded. "You're going to get me in so much trouble."
"That he is strangah." Both Cena and Shawn turned around to see Punk sitting in a chair playing with a doll and holding a marshmallow shooter. He was wearing one of Shawn's (or rather an HBK straw hat) and his usual skull tee with pink and black trunks.
"Strangah?" Shawn asked. He looked over at Cena but Cena was just as confused as he was.
"Yep. You're tryin' to get poor John here in trouble," he answered smugly. "I calls it like I sees it strangah."
"Um…are you drunk?" Shawn blurted out.
"And what's with the strangah kick?" Cena asked. "You seen one too many Clint Eastwood movies?"
Punk only shrugged as he tossed the doll up in the air. "I'm fine. I've just been given a new goal in life. I'm going to save that other strangah."
"Save? Save who?" Shawn asked.
"That Hardy boy. He's nothing but a glorified spot monkey. You only get that way from doing speed. But I'll save him. I'll prove to him that alcohol is better than drugs."
"But he's not on speed. He's actually high on sugar each week from eating so many skittles. Blame that on Sexy Boy here and…wait. I thought you didn't drink?"
"Yeah!" Shawn exclaimed.
"I know that strangahs. Speed is skittles and I only drink when the Gods tell me to," he pointed out.
"Huh?"
"The Wrestling Gods. My doll is one," he said with a grin. He held up the strange looking doll and put it to his ear. "Uh huh. I agree. She says Shawn's going to get it if he don't stop being so greedy."
Shawn gasped then pouted. "Sorry. I'll do better."
"Very good strangah. Well…I got to run. The Hardy boy will be here soon and I must be ready to save him."
"Uh…right. You do that," Cena encouraged.
"Bie strangahs!" he said happily and with a wave he was gone.
~xx~
Chris stared at the two of them frowning. "Are you two serious?"
Cena nodded his head. "I am dead serious and what's worse is that he followed Jeff around half the night trying to shoot him with his marshmallow shooter. That pissed Hunter off so he got his sledgehammer and started chasing after Punk. Apparently the "ammo" Punk had was dipped in alcohol first so he was going to shoot the alcohol laced mallows down Jeff's throat while Hunter was pissed about having a hard on and no valuable time to do anything about it. Madness!"
"Oh boy." Chris sighed. "I haven't the time to deal with anymore parasites. Why can't you guys learn to obey the Gods?" A big grin formed across Cena's face. "What? What now?" Chris asked tiredly.
"Well…" He cut his eyes towards Shawn who was now sucking on another pink lollipop. "At least you get to be the greedy one for a while."
Chris' face suddenly lit up. "You're right. Hey Shawny baby?"
"Hn?" He withdrew his sucker with a loud pop wondering why Chris suddenly looked so eager. "Uh…did I miss something?"
"Oh no sweetie," he sang. "This will be too sweet. John you're on the floor tonight. Shawn and I will need the whole bed since I'm sure this won't be easy, but I'm prepared to fight all night if I have to."
"Fight for what?" Shawn sat up on the bed still confused as hell about everything.
"Your tight little ass dear," Cena sang. "And if I were Chris, I'd pound the hell out of it all night long."
"Wait…wha…?"
Cena leaned over and kissed his cheek. "I'm going to take a shower. You two have fun."
"Wa…now wait a second," he huffed. "I don't care what the Gods say. I refuse to be a bottom anymore!"
"Well then you can't be a top either. God you are so selfish," Chris scolded.
"Well I wouldn't be this way if somebody would just let me pop his cherry."
"NO!" Chris and Cena both shouted.
Shawn folded his arms across his chest and pouted. "Fine. Then I guess none of us will be getting off anytime soon. Either I get to pop John's cherry or you have to let him touch me again!" he demanded. Chris cut his eye towards Cena, his face twisted in confusion.
"Touch him again? What is he talking about Cena?" Shawn's jaw just dropped and then he clasped his hand over his mouth. Cena just glared at him.
"Thanks a lot you big baby. You still managed to get me in trouble anyway."
"I wanna know what's going on!" Chris stomped. "Tell me now! Tell me now dammit!"
"Alright, alright. Calm down!" Cena grumbled. "Okay. So…you left Shawn tied up that day and well…he kept teasing me and I told him no but he was moaning so beautifully Chris and…"
"Just…I don't wanna hear any more." He looked over at his boyfriend who was now pouting. "I don't know what to do with you sometimes. Oh well…" Chris kicked off his heels and stood to his feet. "Cena can he pop your cherry?"
"NO!"
Chris shrugged. "Guess we're all going to bed horny. I'm sleeping between the two of you too just to make sure you guys behave. Cena, no poking me in my ass because unlike Shawn I'll just push you on the floor."
"Chris can I sleep on top of you?" Shawn asked sweetly.
"No because then you'll be trying to rub up against me and get me hard. You know I can never really say no to you so no. Not tonight Shawny. How about you ask Cena?"
Shawn looked over at Cena but he was already shaking his head. "No way."
Shawn pouted. "Can I at least get a kiss?"
"I might can handle that," Cena grinned. "Come here you little brat." John pulled Shawn towards him and enclosed his lips for a kiss. It was supposed to be quick and just a means to shut Shawn up but it was more than that. Shawn sighed and Cena's tongue eagerly went to town exploring his mouth. Cena don't know what made him pull away but he did, refusing to meet Chris' gaze as he sulked to his side of the bed. Next was Chris' turn to kiss his lover but when he did it didn't feel right. Of course he didn't tell Shawn that but a part of him felt like Shawn would not have cared one way or the other anyway.
He quickly crossed the room and got into bed, Shawn crawling in shortly after next to him. Shawn curled into Chris while Chris snuggled up next to Cena. They all said their goodnights before supposedly drifting off into a peaceful slumber, the trick of the Gods weighing heavily on their minds. Chris thinking of Matt's kiss and half wondering why he never noticed Matt before, Shawn thinking of two Johns, and Cena wishing he was straight because he feared he was in love with a greedy Sex God. Yep. The Gods were still hard at work and no one had a clue how things were going to end.
AN: I know. It's still as stupid as ever but hey. I never said it was going to make much sense. Think of it as the Gods' way of playing match maker. Its going to take a while to get there, but we'll get to somewhere…eventually.