Homesick in the Rain

This isn't the nicest way to say thank you. But I already caused so much hurt and damage I owe them this. They need their peaceful and ideal family life back. I'm only an intruder. I'm disturbing everything with my inability to adapt to something like a family. Not that I don't want to be a part of their family. They really mean something to me. I'm just unable to…give my emotions the space they need, so I can show them. I never have felt for any other person that way. Not even for my father. They're touching my sore points and I don't know how long I could bear it. They're touching them just by the way they're treating me…just by understanding and…comforting and being patient. If they at least could yell at me when I messed it up. But they don't. What means I owe them answers – answers I don't even have. I owe them the truth, what's going on with me. But I can't open up to them. Or better I can't give them more than I already did. It is too much. I already trusted them too much. I have to leave, because I'm afraid to open up even more to them. The longer I would stay the more I would tell them and the more I would let my guard down. I only would allow them more and more to read me and that's what I'm afraid of.

Now I'm standing at the side of the street and wait for a car to take me away. I don't bother where to. I only want to leave this place. I'm too afraid to settle here. It won't last long and I would be on my own again anyway. So why not already now? No I don't trust them. A car stops in front of me.

"Hey kid, need a ride?" The man inside says. I nod. "Where do you wanna go?"

"Only out of this place." I say the man nods and opens the door of the passenger side.

"Hop in." He says and I get in.

"I'm Dan." The man says. He's maybe somewhere in his twenties.

"Ryan." I introduce myself. I only hope he's not nosey or too talkative. I watch the street lights pass by. It's curious. I don't even have the feeling as is if I would miss this place here. I'm running from my problems and yes, I know it's not the best solution, but it's the only one I know. What else shell I do? Break or melt down? I can't. This wouldn't be me. And nobody is supposed to get that close to me as if I would do so anyway. I have to leave. I hurt them with my rejection and they hurt me with their attempt to make me open up to them. This is no condition. Well, okay they don't want to hurt me. At least this is what they tell me. Do I believe them – did I believe them? I didn't. I was too afraid of it. Believe means trust and trust means … let my guard down to make them see what's going on inside of me. If I wanted to trust them, I needed to tell them what was hindering me to do so. And with that I would lay myself open to an attack. Shit. I'm really fucked up and I wish I was more like Seth. Damn. This was the first place I didn't need to be afraid of getting my ass kicked, meet a drunken mother or some guys who had some pervert plan up on their mind. Shit. This was the first place where someone really cared and what am I doing? I hate myself for this. Why can't I take this chance? Why can't I adapt to this new life? This is what…I used to wish for – just with me biological parents in Sandy's and Kirsten's place. But in somehow it was what I wanted. And I can't take it? I'm screwed. They were right trying to make me seeing a shrink. Hell, they know I don't like to talk to someone about my…feelings. I can't even talk to them about it, so what made them think I could to a complete stranger? I already 'trusted' them more than I did someone else. And as well when you can't call it trust it's already more I allowed them than I allowed anyone before. Shit. My thoughts don't make any sense. My head's a mess, my emotions too. I'm a mess.

"So where do you plan to go?" Dan asks me.

"As I've said, just away from here." I try politely to tell him I'm not in any mood for a conversation.

"Away from Newport Beach? Are you kidding?"

"No." Unfortunately I'm not.

"Wow, that's rough. What can happen that bad that one flees from paradise?" Nothing happened. Or I happened.

"Just don't match here." I answer him. Not even after all these months I'm able to feel like I belong here. The only place I felt more welcome than in the rest of Newport, was the pool house and its main house. Yes, right now I have the feeling as if I want to run back.

"Does anyone? Believe me everyone here is playing a role. Deep down nobody feels as if he fits in." Well, I know this sentence. And yes this someone was there right now. Shit. I already miss them. I want to go back and talk to him. Tell him what's going on, what's bothering me inwardly. I want to tell him everything. But I can't. I never would be able to. I never was able to. Why now?

"Okay you don't like this topic. Sorry." He apologizes and then gives me back my silence. It's already dark and heavy clouds arise at the sky. It looks like it's going to rain – okay here it's going to pour.

"So, do you have any interests?" Dan starts again.

"Nope."

"I don't believe you." I start to think about something and there's only one thing coming up in my mind.

"Sudoku." And this answer makes my heart ache. I want to go back. I want her to take me in her arms, tell me that everything will be okay again. I want her to talk to me. Tell me something, just this something. I want to sit on the bed in the pool house with her and trying to solve one of these puzzles.

"Oh, okay. Not one man for adventure and action, what?" I had enough action in my life. I don't need any more. But the time of a quiet life is over. Now the action starts again. And yes, I already miss this quietness.

"I hope you don't leave a girl behind. They can develop from princess into monster in no second." Shit. But she'll find someone else. To be honest: it was only a matter of time until we end up separated. I'm sure after she comes back from France she'll realize that she's fed up with me. But I'm sure I'll never find someone else. She was the first and she's still the only one I love. I never felt for someone like that. I'm an asshole. I leave her without letting her know. That's not fair. I never would do so. But that's exactly what I'm doing right now. Shit. I'm an asshole and not better than those guys who dated my Mum. I just piss off. I didn't even give her the chance to hinder me from that. I didn't even talk to her about this. And that's what we called a relationship? That sounds wrong. I wasn't honest enough to her. I didn't tell her, although she had wanted to know and I'm sure she would have listened. She never would have judged me. I could have told her about my feelings – that I feel uncomfortable when the Cohens tried to behave like parents toward me. She rather would have tried to help me. But I didn't let her help me. I can't let her. It's my fault I know that. But I can't correct this mistake, because the mistake it's me.

A thunder out of the sudden pulls me out of my thoughts – I flinch - and within a second it starts to pour. I watch the sky. It's dark – black. Only the lightning reminds me of that I'm on earth and not underneath.

"Wow I call that a weather." Dan says. I only nod. With every thunder I flinch again. It's embarrassing. I try not to let Dan know that I'm afraid of thunder and lightning. Hell, but I am and yes, I wish I was in the main house now. No matter how foul the weather outside is, it was always cosy – is always cosy. I never felt afraid like now, when I was in there while thunderstorm. It's raining worse and worse.

"Okay buddy, I'll stop at the roadside. I can't see anything." Dan says. I agree with him. We stop at a traffic light. It takes long for it to jump on green – very long. It's the last traffic light in Newport. After this crossroad I'll have left Newport Beach. After this crossroad I'll leave me life behind – the second time. Again I'll have to start from new. Again it's me on my own. I haven't thought it was going to be that hard. I didn't bother leaving my Chino-life behind. Why do I bother now? I have to fight, holding back my tears. Shit. I never cry. Why now? It is my decision to leave. There's no reason to cry. I don't want to cry. I want to leave this place. It's dangerous for me. I start to trust this place – letting my guard down. I can't do that. They could hurt me again. It would be too easy to break me. I sigh. This crossroad is my last chance to leave this place. I don't want to take this chance. But I have to. I'm causing too much trouble. They pay too much attention to me and my problems. They should pay this attention to their son, not to some rotten thing like me. I want to give them back their peace. They deserve it. They're great people and they're working so hard, trying so hard helping others. They should get their time back. They need their time to be the family again they used to be, before I intruded it. I know they tried to make me a part of their family. But it would never work. I never would be able to trust them enough for that.

I look out of the window. It doesn't take long and Dan finds a parking lot. We wait for the rain to ease off, but it seems as if it's getting worse. A sign? Shut up! I don't believe in things like that.

"Uh…I go to get a coffee, do you want some?" I ask Dan. I'm freezing. No wonder. I don't know when had been the last time I had eaten something properly.

"Oh, yes. That would be great." He says and I jump out of the car. When I arrive at the coffee shop, my cloths are soaked with rain and this after an only six seconds run. Hell, why does it always have to rain, when I try to leave them? I get the coffee and step out of the shop. A black BMW passes me. I don't pay attention to it. Why should I? This is still Newport and…Shit.

"Ryan!" He calls after me. This was not supposed to happen. No, no, no. I run to Dan's car. Since when is he running after me? Ouch. He grabs my arm.

"Oh no kid. You aren't going anywhere, than this car." He's angry. Oh shit. How should I have known that they start to search for me…in whole Newport? Why for me? I try to get my arm free from his grip, but that's impossible. Fact: I never want to get aware of his physical punishment measures.

"Mister, I guess you better leave the boy alone." Dan comes out of the car. Yes, I can say this is embarrassing.

"Who are you?" Sandy asks him. Oh fuck.

"That's not important."

"Okay, then I'll tell you who I am. I am the father of this boy and I have no clue what you had up on your minds, but I know that this boy is now coming with me." I flinch at his harsh spoken words.

"But the boy obviously doesn't want to go back with you." Dan goes on. Fuck.

"Listen carefully, I'm his father…"

"Foster." It slips out of my mouth. And no, I haven't thought about what I was saying.

"That's enough, you come with me. No further discussion." He pulls me to his car. Yes, he's angry. Oh shit.

"This will have consequences." He starts the engine and hits the gas. I don't tell him that it might be better if we stop at the roadside, as the rain is that strong that you can't have a clear sight through the windscreen. I feel how the wheels loose the grip to the street from time to time and I wish he would just slow down the speed a bit.

"What the hell are you thinking every time you do this?" He screams at me. His look goes from street to me, back to the street and again to me. I'd rather prefer it if he focused on the streets which are inundated meanwhile.

"I don't understand you kid. On the one hand you tell Kirsten you don't want to hurt us and then…you're running away from us." I only shrug my shoulders. If I had an explanation for that – for me – I might be able to control my behaviour.

"Ryan, I want answers. I want you to talk to me." As usual. And about what? We all know what I've done. We all know that it was wrong.

"You can't always run away when some problems occur." I whished he hadn't said this, because I'm not able to think clear, before reacting.

"My Dad's death is just some problem?"

"Stop this! Now! This is not you Ryan and you know that!" He yells at me.

"As if anyone of you knows who I am and who not!" I shout back.

"Than why in hell don't you talk to us and let us know who you are?" He doesn't pay attention to the street anymore and I don't either.

"How? How shell I talk to you? I just can't. How often do I need to explain this to you?"

"Then start to accept our help instead of pushing us away! I for my part am fed up with your behaviour. I can't take it any longer." He still yells and then there is this very bright headlight.