A/N.: I'm thinking about refusing to up date, as nobody allows me to kill Ryan. I only want to kill him a tiny little bit. Where's the problem? ;) Well as I'm not allowed to write a deathfic (once again) the next chapter will be M rated, just in case you looking for this story and can't find it.
Awakening
I feel numb. The world around me is a blur and I don't realize what's actually happening to me. Sometimes my surrounding is bright – nearly white and then again it turns into black. Sometimes I have the feeling as if there was someone, but then again I'm alone somewhere in the depth of black. If they think I don't feel anything, they'd been wrong. I feel every hand on my body, but in somehow I'm unable to fight them. I don't know what they are doing to me and I'm not sure whether I want to. Most times everything's black around me. Only sometimes I can feel or hear something. I don't emerge from where I am. I just stay. I don't even feel the urge to emerge from my black place. Do I like it? I can't say that, because I don't recognize how it is, when I'm there in the blackness. I don't like the bright white. It's bothering me. Thus I should say I like the blackness. It doesn't bother me that much. Sometimes I hear voices and it feels as if someone was talking to me. But no one ever talks to me, thus it's clear the voices aren't meant for me. Sometimes it even feels as if someone touches me…gently…in a loving way. This must be a dream. Nobody every touches me, without hurting me. Never. But most time I don't recognize anything. Don't ask, what this is supposed to mean. I don't care. I just take it as it is. I only know I have been in worse places. It could be much worse. So this is okay. It's curious it doesn't even get boring. I don't want to go somewhere else. I rather like this state and this blackness.
Unfortunately this blackness gets disturbed by more and more white. The noises get louder around me and the touches become more intensive than I like them to be. Every time I'm back in my blackness I'm glad. I don't want to hear anything, because it can't be anything good. It's always yelling, screaming, bad words I don't want to hear and sentences I don't want to listen to. I don't want to feel anything, because it can't be anything good. It's always hurting when someone touches me. It uses to leave bruises and scars on my body – from cuts that bleed awfully. I don't want to see anything, because it can't be anything good. It's always the same depressing surrounding telling you there's no hope left. It's usually people fighting each other. No I don't want anything of that anymore. I want my blackness, but it feels as if it becomes rare and the blur starts to leave. I understand what they're saying, but I can't respond to it. I start to see something, without seeing or noticing what it is – it's still too blurry. I start to notice where they touch me and once in a while I'm able to fight them. I only wait to slip back into darkness.
When I start to emerge from my blackness again, I still feel numb, but the blur vanishes.
"Hey sweetie." I hear a voice and I understand it. I feel someone is touching me cheek, carefully. Hey, I know it's someone.
"C'mon sweetie, open your eyes." A female voice says and I have the feeling as if I know this voice, but I'm not sure. It slowly is getting brighter around me. My surrounding is still a little blurry, but a striking pain pulls me out of all blur and numbness. I grit my teeth.
"Honey, are you in pain?" The female voice asks and I turn my head towards her voice. And there she sits. Why does she still care after all I've done to her? I hurt her the worse way I could hurt someone and she's still there. Why?
"Kirsten?" I only ask. My voice is hoarse. It's difficult to speak. I can't get my head around why she's still here.
"Hey sweetie. How are you?" I don't want to think about this right now, but the pain is getting worse with every millisecond.
"Not…good." Is what I manage to say through me gritted teeth. Oh shit. I really wish I was dead right now.
"Don't worry. There's already someone on the way to help you. Just relax." She tries to sooth me? Is she kidding? She should leave me alone and let me getting tortured by this…no. I don't start to feel sick that would be too embarrassing. I just can't. But I can't repress it either. The urge to retch grows and with it the pain in my body and I have to clue what's worse, not what's causing all this.
"Oh God, Ryan, do…do you need to throw up?" She asks me. Do I look already that green? And then I just can't hold back anymore. My body bursts into unbearable pain and it's way too worse as if I could keep my stomach contents. Fortunately Kirsten is fast enough to hand me a bowl. Throwing up in front of her is already bad. But I don't want to imagine how embarrassing it would be if I had thrown up on the … I can't think on. My stomach aches and I have to concentrate on the bowl in front of me. After what feels like hours my stomach calms down again. For the first time I'm aware of my surrounding and even more aware of the pain in my entire body. What the hell is all this? I start to panic. Only now I realize there are tubes and needles attached to my body which shouldn't be there. What's wrong with me? Where am I? Am I not in the guest room in the Cohen's home? It doesn't look like that.
"Ryan, honey. Calm down. Take some deep breaths." Only now I notice my breath goes flat and fast. I try to listen to her, but I can't. I can't take deep breaths. It's hurting. Shit! I want to get rid of this pain. I have to. I can't bear it anymore. She's rubbing my back. Why's my back hurting? My back is never hurting, no matter how rough the days at the construction side had been.
"Sweetie, don…just stay calm." She tells me, but I can't. The pain is driving me insane. I can't take anymore. I need to escape. I try to rip off the tubes and needles. It feels as if all these things attached on me are causing this pain. I'm searching for relieve, but I can't find it.
"Ryan…no…don't. Leave those…" Kirsten takes one of my hands. What's going on? I never felt that miserable. I feel uncomfortable. I don't know where I am. I only know that this is no place I like to be.
"Shhh honey, soon someone is there to help you." Didn't she say that an hour ago? Oh my God! I start to feel sick again. I want to know what's wrong with me, but I can't ask.
"Hey Ryan, I'm Sandra." A woman says. I've never seen her before. Why does she know my name? Should I know her? Sandra?
"Do me a favour and lie down again. Your wounds don't like it, when you're up like that." She says. Shell I listen to her? But I.… what wounds? No, don't tell me I messed it up again. Don't tell me that I ended up in trouble again.
"Ryan, you can listen to her. Sandra only wants to help you." I feel a hand on my shoulder and someone gently pulls me down. I obey or better, my body obeys.
"That feels better, right?" She…Sandra says, but I don't agree. I watch her. I'm not sure whether I trust her…no I don't trust her. I definitely don't trust her. I see something shiny…silver…thin and long…No! I get up again. Bad idea. The pain increases again.
"Ryan I only want to give you something against the pain. Just relax, okay?" The woman says again. Kirsten takes my hand.
"Shh, is okay. Let her do her job. She's good at it." Panic. That's what my body and my head says. Pure, naked panic.
"That's it. You should feel better soon." Sandra says…why is she ruffling through my hair? I don't like that. I want to curl up on the side. I try to turn. I can't. I…why can't I move my legs…my right leg?
"Don't move. That's not good. Lie as still as possible." I don't know what Sandra had given to me, but the pain eases off fast – very fast.
"Do you feel better?" Kirsten asks me. I still don't understand why she's doing this to herself.
"What … you doing here?" I try to express my unbelieving, but silent. I don't want to touch any sore points. And what the fuck happened to my ability of speech?
"What? Ryan. I'm here for you or did you think I leave you alone with this?" I see her concerned glance and there is this one question:
"What?" I ask her. Or better I try to ask her, because talking feels so difficult. I'm still too messed up as if I could come to this answer on my own.
"There was this accident. Do you remember? Sandy…picked you up at the end of Newport. He wanted to bring you home." Immediately I remember and the scenes run through my head.
" after you…tried to run. It was raining awfully that night. A truck wasn't able to stop and ran over a red light…and then hit the car with you and Sandy." Sandy. Sandy?! Oh God. He was injured. I've seen that. He was bleeding.
"H…how's Sandy?" My heart clenches. I don't know whether I want to know that. I can't bear anymore of that.
"He's fine. A little concussion and a laceration which will leave a little scar."
"Okay?" Damn it. When I can think in full sentences I should be able to speak them.
"Yes. He's already home." Relieve spreads through my body and I'm sure whether it's the news or…
"Uh…am…is…" I don't want to say this.
"You're in hospital." Oh now. I don't like hospitals.
"Leave?" I ask, afraid of the answer.
"Not now. I can't tell you when. But I guess you need to stay a little. You're very bad injured." She again takes my hand.
"But I promise I'll get you home as soon as possible." Home? Where was home? I have no home, or? Do I? After I behaved like the world biggest asshole. No, I don't feel good. I want to leave. Now.
"Hello Ryan. Good to see you awake." A man enters the room and without knowing him, I'm sure he's a doctor and he knows my name. Not good. The feeling of discomfort worsens and if I wasn't unable to move, I'd run.
"I'm Dr. Brandon. How do you feel?" He asks me. He can't be serious or? I only shrug my shoulders, because the panic in my spine doesn't allow me to use any more words than I've already used.
"I guess that's an uncomfortable and not that good. Understandable. Does anything hurt right now?" I shake my head. I don't know why, but my body tenses up and he only uses to do so in dicey situations. Well, I consider this as dicey situation.
"Nurse Sandra had already given him something against the pain." Kirsten answers for me. Why is she still here? She could leave now. She had seen with her eyes that I'm alive and now could leave me alone with my fate.
"Okay. Did your mother tell you what had happened?" My mother? Does she really look like my mother? I don't think so. We couldn't be more different. Beauty queen and something like me? Not really liking to be related to each other or?
"I did." She answers for me again. I'm paralyzed. Oh my God. Please not!
"Did you tell him about his injuries?" No she didn't and I'm not keen on getting to listen to it. Help! This is not funny at all. I want to leave. I want this to be a bad dream. I want to wake up. Even when it means waking up in Chino at my Mum's with one of her asshole boyfriends. "Hey Ryan, what's wrong?" The man asks me. I don't look at him, because I …just can't.
"Honey, just relax." Kirsten says and gently takes my hand again. I can't relax. My body doesn't even listen to me anymore. It's like I'm a stranger in my own body. Ew, how screwed is that?
"I'll make it short, so that you can go back to sleep again. The good news, you don't suffer any back injuries. The bad, we had to remove your spleen and your right kidney." Do I want to know that? No. My heart beats hard under my chest. I just don't want that this had happened. I want to go back to start and try again, but this is nothing I want to listen to.
"You'll have to take some medication at the beginning, but later you should be able to live a quite normal life, without too many restrictions." And this is supposed to make me feel better? Far away from that. This accident had been real and I don't want it to be real. I don't want the whole last week not to be real…wait…which day was today?
"Our only concern now is your leg. The crash must have owed a lot of force, as it's broken on several places, your hipbone, pelvis, thighbone and the bone of your lower leg and on top of that your knee is dislocated." What means my leg is pretty much messed up and I'm going to be a cripple. Nice perspective. That's what I was wishing for.
"And to be honest, the stuff around here is quite helpless with this. But before you start losing all hope, we'll let an expert in this have a look at it." How not to lose hope? He just was telling me that my leg is messed up and they can't do anything about it. So, what am I supposed to do? Jump of joy? A little complicated with…a broken leg and what else is broken.
"Are there any further questions?" The man asks. I only shake my head. That was enough bad news for me. Do I want to cry about this? Yes I want. But I fight this urge.
"Alright, then I tell Sandra to come back again." The man says and then leaves.
"Sweetie, it's less bad than it sounds." She tells me. I don't believe her, because how can what the man had told me be less bad?
"You're trembling, you need to relax." She strokes over my cheek. If I could stop these tremors, I would do so. But I can't. Intimidated. That's the best description for how I feel right now. Intimidated and anxious. I don't want to be here anymore.
"Shh, is okay." She sits down on the edge of the bed and takes me into her arms. No I don't want that, but I'm not able to fight her, because I'm way too busy to fight these damn fucking tears. Hell, what am I? A fucking kid or what? I see the woman comes back in. This time she doesn't talk to me. Kirsten's arms blocking my view to what she's doing. Maybe it's better that way. I already had enough shock moments this day.
"Soon you can go back to sleep again. It's all a little much for today. But that's okay. You need to rest." She says and then leaves. What was she talking about? And why do I feel so tired right now?
"Don't fight it. You can go back to sleep. I'm there." Kirsten says on. I don't want to sleep. But what I want doesn't matter, because my eyes decide it's time to close and I'm back in my blackness.