Afraid
"Hey and how are you?" Seth enters the room and immediately starts babbling.
"Fine." I answer. I don't want to bother him with my medical history, especially when it's bothering me enough.
"Cool. Sorry that I didn't come by earlier, but you know Mum and Dad thought it was better if I didn't come when you wasn't up to any social activities." Mum and Dad. He already starts talking as if Sandy and Kirsten were my parents. He knows that this isn't true and in somehow don't I like it when he starts talking like that.
"'s okay." I answer.
"Did you talk to our girls lately?" He starts his conversation. I only need to look at him. "Oh, right. You weren't …available for a little time." He starts to rescue the situation.
"So I talked to Summer and she says France is absolutely gorgeous. She's already planning a vacation. Only we two in France. Pure romantic." He starts and yes I'm missing Marissa. There's nothing more I'm wishing for than listening to her voice and looking into the beauty of her face.
"I…I didn't tell her about the accident, but I guess there's someone a little pissed because another someone doesn't answer his cell phone. Thus I was nice enough to bring you yours. If you don't want to lose her to a French man you'd better call her today and explain her what had happened." Well, yes this could be helpful regarding our relationship.
"You may be right." I answer and he's smiling the smile of a winner.
"Here, Mum told me to give them to you." Seth hands me two post cards, both from France. One shows the Eifel Tower and the other one – I guess – is the Louvre. I feel how I start to blush. I really hadn't thought she'll write me.
"Thanks." I tell and put the cards aside. I don't want to read them in Seth's nosey presence.
"Cool and now the important stuff. You've missed over four weeks comics. So you need catch up on this." Oh my God. I just forgot about it. School! Shit. How am I supposed to catch up all the school stuff? I'll never make it through this school year.
"Hey, what's up? You look like a ghost." And I would like to be one.
"Just got reminded of school." I'm honest.
"Geek. Be glad about the break. Okay, not this break…but you know, be glad that school is no issue for you." He's right…but no, he's not. The bad feeling that I might have to repeat this year crawls into my spine and I don't like it. A knock at the door drags me out of my thoughts. Dr. Conrad enters the room.
"Hey Ryan. I have some good news for you." He says and then looks at Seth. "Sorry, can I have a minute with your friend?" He asks Seth.
"He…can stay." I guess. I don't want that Seth thinks I try to shut him out. I already messed up with his parents. I don't want to mess up with him. He's me only and best friend. I can't risk … bear losing him. I realize more and more that my ego trip I used to be on, doesn't work with the Cohens. It's hard to accept that there are people who start to be interested in my business. Not even my parents were interested in my business.
"Okay, well it's nothing serious. Your surgery will take place first thing tomorrow morning." Hu? Surgery? I thought this discussion was over. I thought there was no surgery. I said I don't like this idea.
"Don't look like that. This is the best decision and I promise I'll do my best. You don't need to be afraid of anything. You won't even notice anything. We put you into sleep and when you wake up everything's done." He tells me. I only nod. I look at Seth. He doesn't look shocked.
"Hey, I would like to see a little smile, so I know you're happy about this news. The guardianship court probably would have decided different." The what? One moment.
"I thought this was the court's decision." I look at Seth and he shrugs his shoulders. I look at Dr. Conrad. "I just wanted to tell you that." He answers quickly and then leaves the room.
"That's great dude. Just imagine what had happened if they had put you into a cast and then this low chances for recovery."
"Yeah, really great." I snarl. No, I'm not happy about this. I don't like the idea of a surgery and I want to know who had made this decision over my head. Okay, there are only two people I can think of.
"Man, stop being such an asshole. Mum and Dad had to move heaven and hell for that. You could be at least a little grateful for that." Seth starts to reproach me.
"As if you know what you're talking about." I mumble. I only want to be alone right now. I don't want any company – not even Seth.
"I just wanted to remind you that I had surgery because of my appendix. So don't behave as if you're the only one who has to undergo surgery." He's upset by my behaviour and he has all right to. I'm an asshole. But I have my reasons and I even told Kirsten about it. I thought she would respect it. But nothing. I never should have told her. I'm so damn stupid.
"Yeah, sorry." I reply shortly.
"Let me guess: you want to be alone?" He asks me. I only look at him and he understands. I don't deserve so much understanding. They should stop being that fucking patient with me. I don't deserve it. I never did and never will. Man, I can't even be nice to people who try to help my – who want to give me something I've been looking for so long.
"Got it. But don't forget Marissa. I tell you these girls can be really bitchy if they don't get what they want. And if my parents come by, don't be too pissed at them. They really mean it and I don't understand why you can't start to accept us as family. I mean we're not that bad." He says and then leaves. No, they're everything else than bad. They're great. I never have had such people – who really cared about me. But it's so difficult for me. Every time I open up to Kirsten it is a battle for me. Every time I try to trust them is some kind of war. This is my Iraq. I'm fighting in my own war and I more and more have the feeling as if I'm going to lose it. And now I have to fight the war for my relationship. I pick up my cell phone and dial Marissa's number. I have no idea how late it is in France. I only hope she's still awake or already up.
"Marissa Cooper?"She answers thephone. The sound of her smooth voice is already calming me down.
"Hey, it's me." I answer. I'm afraid of talking to her, after I didn't answer my phone for so long. Hell, maybe she already dumped me and now I'm too late. I could understand her and I'd deserve it anyway. No matter if my plan worked out or not.
"Ryan!" She calls out and I hear in her voice that she's happy to hear from me. Maybe I didn't lose her yet.
"What's up? I tried to call you for days, but you didn't answer the phone." I hear worry in her voice and I don't want to tell her what had happened. I know her and she wouldn't take it well. Okay, maybe I can tell her and just leave some details out. There'll be enough time for them, when she's back.
"Yeah, sorry…uh…but…well, Sandy and I got into a little accident and…I'm …"
"What? Are you okay? How…what did happen? Are you bad injured?"
"Uh…no…just a broken leg…they'll fix it tomorrow morning." I tell her and I should have left out the sentence with 'fix' in it.
"What does it mean? Why didn't they fix it already?" She nearly screams into the phone – hysterically. And yes, this was what I wanted to prevent. I don't want her to freak out because of me and I don't want to answer questions. If she knows that this happened, after I tried to run – without a word to her – I can call myself a dead man. She probably would freak out Summer like and I've seen Summer's outbursts. I don't need to be part of one.
"Uh…I…I need surgery. But it's no big deal." I add as fast as I can, to stop her from whatever is going on in her head.
"What?! And you didn't tell me? Okay, listen, I guess I can get a plane back next thing in the morning. I come back and…" Yep, exactly the reaction I didn't want.
"Marissa, no please. Don't come back because of this. I want you to stay in France and have fun with Summer. You…you can't do anything anyway, so please enjoy your time." I try to calm her down.
"How am I supposed to enjoy my time, when my boyfriend is in hospital and needs surgery?" I don't know why, but in somehow don't I want her here. I love her and I want to spend every second with her, but not now. I'm not sure whether I can deal with her. I can't even deal with Seth and his parents. I can't even deal with myself. I'm afraid of pushing her away due to my inability to handle any human being. She would come back for nothing, because I'm sure I would destroy everything.
"Please, Marissa. Just…do me this favour okay?"
"But why? Don't you love me anymore? What's wrong with you?" And yes, this question doesn't help me with my inner conflict I'm captured in.
"No…I still love you and…I…just don't want you coming home only because of this." I try to explain her.
"Know what, this is exactly what had started our first dispute. I don't want to have the same conversation again, only because you're too…dunno what to let others care about you." And now she's angry, another reason why I shouldn't have called her. But no matter had done, it would have been wrong.
"I really didn't want to annoy you, I just…"
"Yeah, whatever. Get well soon. But think about this: if you go on with treating all others – the Cohens, Seth, Summer and me – like that, you'll be really alone. We only want to help you, because we care and you do everything to reject us. Do you know how this can hurt sometimes?"
"I'm sorry."
"I know, but you need to start to work on yourself, otherwise you'll never change your situation." She's lecturing me. What kind of boyfriend am I, when my girlfriend lectures me? This can't be too good and yes, I feel like crap after listening to all this. I don't want to hurt anyone, neither the Cohens, nor her, Seth or Summer. I just…fuck.
"But this is everything else than easy." I admit to her.
"Nobody says that it was easy. You only need to try harder." Try harder? What the hell does she think I'm doing? I do the best I can…just …it's not good enough and probably I'm not good enough for them. I don't deserve their worry and care. They should look for someone else who's able to give them back what the give him. I can't.
"You're right and…uh thanks for the post cards." I say. I don't want her to…she already thinks I'm ungrateful.
"Did they arrive? That's awesome. I'll have a lot to tell you, when I come back." She sounds happy now. I'll never be able to know what she really thinks, when I can't see her.
"Can't wait for that."
"Okay Ryan, I need to go now. Think about what I was telling you. Bye, love you."
"I'll do. Love you too." And then the dial tone separates us again. I lie down and read the cards. Her handwriting is beautiful. I never thought that handwritings like this really exists. She writes me about her day in France. It's like I'm with her. A knock on the door pulls me out of my dream.
"Hey Ryan." It's Kirsten with Sandy in tow. I switch into the defence modus. I can't control it. It happens automatically.
"How do you feel?" She asks and sits down on the edge of the bed. I only shrug my shoulders, because I don't feel like talking. I feel too uncomfortable to talk to anyone – to them. They had made a decision concerning my body just without asking me and I can't tell that I like it too much.
"Dr. Conrad said that he told you about your appointment tomorrow morning and told us you didn't seem too happy about that." She starts to speak. I don't look at her. I can't. It's impossible.
"Ryan, we both know that you don't feel comfortable about this. But we won't leave you alone with this." Sandy says. I shrug my shoulders. What am I supposed to think about this?
"Can you tell us, what's upsetting you?" She asks me again. I have to tell her what's upsetting me?
"I…I…explained you…why I don't want this surgery. You knew what this means for me…but…you just don't care." Maybe I'm wrong, but right now this is what I feel.
"We do care Ryan and I told you that this time you won't be alone." She answers. I can't believe her. It's too hard.
"I stopped wanting my parents around when I was sick since I'm…twelve or something. Why should I want you around?"
"Because we care and we want to help you through this." Sandy answers. He's looking at me. I can't believe them. Not in this. The truth would be too hurting this time.
"Crap." I mumble.
"Ryan, why can't you trust us in this?" Kirsten's voice is shaking. The fucking idiot in me again managed to…hurt them…just Shit.
"Because…because…the truth would be too hurtful." I tell them. Now they know and now they should leave, because I feel tears coming up violently and I'm not sure whether I can fight them
"But honey, this is not true. You can trust us that we'll around." She says.
"But I don't want to and I don't want you around. I want to be alone. I don't need you." I nearly scream. One lie after another. I want them around. I don't want to be alone. And hell I need them. But I can't tell them. Disappointment is too hurtful as if I can bear it.
"Okay, but…if you change your mind…let us know." Sandy says, pets my leg. Then they leave. I feel so fucking awful. Worse of all I start crying. I never cry. I stopped crying when I was eight or something. I don't do crying. But I feel so miserable for what I've said. But I can't fight this instinct. I…just can't. I feel so fucking helpless. Why? I never feel helpless. I always know how to solve something. I always know how to go on. But this time is different. I don't know anything. I just feel…hurt, without having a reason.
I don't know how long I lie there and cry. Only a knock on the door makes me wiping away the traces of tears.
"Hey." It's Sandra. She looks at me. I'm afraid she might see that I've cried and turn my head away.
"I'm here to give you something to sleep and when you wake up again, everything's already over." She says. This should be calming? It's not. There will be several hours of black out and I can't even defend if I don't like what they're doing with me. She hands me three red pills. They don't look as if I want to take them.
"Please. This is better than being awake through the whole procedure. Save you a lot of angst and panic." Sandra says. I only look at her and then take them. I don't care about anything anymore right now. I only want this scenario to be over. It doesn't take long and the effect starts to kick in. My surrounding disappears into a blur and I start to feel heavy.
"You really have great foster parents. They only want to help you. They won't hurt you. I can see that." Sandra says. Why is she talking about that?
"know." I only answer. Talking starts to be difficult.
"They really love you." She goes on.
"love 'em too." I answer. My tongue feels so heavy and my eye lids start to close.
"And why don't you show them? It could be so much easier and…you could have a nice family if you only allowed them to be your parents."
"Too afraid." I manage to say. Nice measure. First drugging me stupid and then start with a soul striptease.
"Of what?"
"'m screwed."
"No, you're not screwed. You only need to allow them to be your parents." She says. I can't answer. It's too difficult. My eyelids shut. They're too heavy.
"Tomorrow is another day." I hear someone say, but I don't know who it is.