Too much

After we got home he had disappeared in the pool house. I couldn't realize my plans of making him social – forcing him to be. I felt too sorry for him, as if I had been capable of forcing him to share his mood with us. But this morning is the beginning of a new day. He'll have to accept us as his family - if he wants to or not. I won't allow him to burry himself in his sadness. I go to the pool house. The blinds are still shut. I silently step in. He's sleeping. I'm glad he's at least sleeping. But I'm sure it's a drug induced sleep. He had refused pain killers. But it had been obvious his leg was bothering him badly. I had to talk to him for hours and eventually he had taken them and fell asleep. I sit down on the edge of the bed.

"Hey sweetie, time to get up." I stroke over his cheek. The cuts are still visible, but they don't look as dangerous as they had in the night of the accident.

"Wanna sleep." He mumbles.

"Honey, you're sleeping since five in the afternoon. Now it's ten. Seventeen hours should be enough. Did you even wake up only for a minute?"

"No." He says and crawls even more under his blanket.

"Okay, you can get up now or I go and get Seth." I warn him.

"You're so evil." He answers. When he hates something, then it's long and loud conversations in the morning. He slowly struggles out of bed and reaches for the crutches.

"Your brace?"

"Not when I'm taking a shower." He says and gets up. He had decided to sleep only in his boxers and a wide t-shirt, as every other clothing is scratching on his wounds.

"Do you need help with the shower?" I ask him. Shocked glances look at me. I laugh. He's really…shy?

"Don't worry. I would have called Sandy, but just for you to know. You can't have anything, I haven't seen already."

"Good that at least you're sure about that, but no thanks, I can manage on my own." A small cheeky smile appears on his face, but the sadness remains in his eyes. Nevertheless do I have the feeling as if things can get better when we just try hard enough.

"Bragger." I call out and throw a pillow after him.

It takes a little until he enters the kitchen. He's wearing wide sweaters, as any other leg clothing would be too tight on his leg.

"Brace?" I ask. I don't want him to risk his recovery. It's my job to take care that he follows the rules.

"Doesn't fit. Too swollen." He says and pulls up one trouser and yes, it looks awful. It's hurtful to see that your kid is that bad injured and you can't do anything about it.

"Okay, then go sit down on the couch and I bring you an ice pack." I determine and he obeys.

"A wonderful morning isn't it?" My husband enters the kitchen, he smells after the ocean, as he usually does when he's fresh back from surfing. He kisses me and then peers into the living room.

"Hey kid, how are you?"

"Never ask this question again." Yes, he's a little grumpy this morning. Okay last day had been rough and his leg is probably bothering him too.

"Okay, how do you feel?" Always this lawyer pernicketiness.

"Nothing related to it." Ryan grumbles. I start to feel really sorry for him.

"Alright, alright, is your leg okay?"

"It's just swollen." I step in. I don't want Ryan to blow up like a balloon. I hand him the ice pack and a mug of coffee.

"Thanks."

"And what do you wanna eat?" I ask him. He's too thin. Neither his trousers nor his t-shirts fit. He has to make weight. I can see bones where used to be well trained muscles.

"Uhm…I…I'm not hungry…sorry."

"Oh no, this is not happening."

"Black coffee and cereals out of the box." I hear my other son calling from the background. Wow, we managed to get all together on a Saturday morning. That's rare or better: I should start to make it a new family-ritual.

"Seth, he needs something more nutritious than that."

"Was just an idea." He replies.

"Know what, I make you a bagel." My husband says and when he decided to make a bagel for someone, you can't stop him.

"Cool, for me too." Our eldest says and flops down on the couch next to our new son - youngest. It's funny to think about Ryan as the youngest, as he's behaving more mature than Seth, but it's also in somehow cute.

"Uh…man that's gross." He says and points at Ryan's knee.

"Thanks, always some encouraging words."

"Here you two." My husband hands them the bagels. When I look at Ryan I have a curious feeling about him. He looks nervous as if he's…close to run. There is something in his eyes telling me that he feels intimidated, but I have no idea what is intimidating him. He slowly eats the bagel. When Seth already starts his third, Ryan still hasn't half finished his first one. I look at Sandy, but we both can't find a solution for this. In a sudden Ryan puts the rest of the bagel on the couch table and starts to leave.

"Hey, wait, where do you think you're going?" I ask him.

"I…I…just…can't…need some space…sorry." He stammers in a whispering voice. I look at my husband who puts a calming hand onto my shoulder when we watch our son leaving.

"Did I say something wrong or stuff?" Our eldest asks.

"No honey, you didn't. Ryan…isn't ready for so much family." I try to explain him.

"We should try it step by step, if we don't want to push him away." And there we are again faced with the fact that the boy doesn't want to be a part of this family – or as he had said so often: that he can't be. We decide to give him the space he needs. It's hard to accept but we have to accept it.

Later the day I go back to the pool house. Again he's lying on his bed, but he isn't sleeping.

"Hey." I say. He looks up from the book he was reading in and offers me a lopsided smile. I go to him and sit down on the bed. He shifts away. Again I'm too close.

"Would you like to tell me what was going on little while ago?" I ask him. He doesn't look at me.

"Dunno…sorry." He only answers. I sigh.

"Are you sure?"

"I…just need some time to get my head around it." He says. I rub his back.

"Okay, but don't forget no lonely brooding time." I tell him and then leave.

"Do you think I can…ask him for a round play station?" My eldest son asks when I enter the kitchen.

"I think so." I answer. He looks at me questioning.

"Do you…think he'll start to behave normal again?" He asks on concerned.

"I'm sure he will. He only needs some time." My son looks at me, but doesn't seem to be satisfied with my answer.

"You have to understand that he has a rough time lying behind him. Being a family isn't easy for him."

"How can that be not easy? I mean, you come here and start to, or not?"

"That's what we thought before too, but as it seems it's not as easy. But you shouldn't think about that. Now go to him." I say. I don't want my eldest to worry about something like that. He's too young for that.

The rest of the day goes by eventless. Seth spends the whole day with Ryan playing videogames in the pool house and the laughter coming out of there, assures me that both are okay. I order Thai for dinner and I'm surprised that both boys come to the main house, without a special invitation. Okay, with Seth it's normal, but Ryan usually needs some words before he comes in here – despite for breakfast.

"Hey boys, dinner's arriving every second. You can start to set the table." I tell them, while I start to get the plates out of the cupboards.

"Oh…yeah…well Seth can…Ryan can…try to help or just sit down on the couch again." I correct myself, when I realize that Ryan probably is a little too occupied with his crutches as he was able to set the table.

"Hell man, you're lucky being handicapped. This gives you a break from commander of commandments." My son says.

"Yeah…thanks…wanna switch?" Ryan asks him.

"Uh…concerning your really…sorry man but you know lies aren't my thing, your really ugly looking leg wouldn't fit into my concept of begin a sexy man. I don't want to imagine Summer when she is faced with…Ew…no."

"Seth you can be so kind-hearted." I only answer. I'm glad Ryan understands his kind of humour. Not everybody does.

"Do you need an ice pack for your knee?" I ask him.

"Uh…no…I just managed to put the brace on." He answers. The doorbell rings and I go to open. It's our first real family dinner since weeks. All four together. I really missed these times. I need to be stricter about those family appointments.

"Sandy, dinner's ready!" I call upstairs. He had disappeared in his study. He had called his mother – the Nana – hoping she could give us some tips how to handle Ryan, but her tip was the same we're thinking about months: therapist. So, Sandy had started to search for someone who is good with kids. I don't tell him that I already know someone, because if I don't keep him busy, he would start smothering the boy and this wouldn't be good for him or us.

"I'm on my way." I hear my husband, when he's already half the way downstairs. He hands me a sheet of paper.

"I thought this might be a good solution." I start to laugh.

"If you had asked me, I could have given you this before."

"Well, now…only Ryan needs to start to…"

"Hey guys, can you hurry up a little? I'm starving." Our eldest interrupts us.

"We're coming." I say to calm him and then we all sit down at the dinner table. I can't help, but watch Ryan carefully. He's hesitating to sit down with us. He ducks his head and switches into the mute modus. He tries to become invisible in somehow. If one wouldn't look up from ones plate, nobody would notice he was there. I fill his plate, after his attempt to get away with some Pa Tai didn't work. I can see he's listening to the tales of Seth and Sandy, but he's too shy to add something. He's quiet – too quiet. And again I'm aware of his nervousness. It's not his gestures. He's not becoming fidgety. No, he more and more withdraws from us into his shell.

"Ryan, what do you think?" My husband asks. He and my son have a vivid conversation about what to watch on TV this evening. We have lost so many habits. But with Ryan coming to us, we try to start them from new again. That's good, because I think family habits can help him to find his way into our family.

"Uh…What?…sorry…"

"I just would like to know, what you would like to watch on TV this evening." My husband repeats his question. Ryan only shrugs his shoulders.

"There must be something. We have over hundred channels. It's impossible not to find something you like to watch." Seth starts to encourage Ryan.

"I really don't know. I…never cared about what's on TV."

"Oh…well, than you have to change this. This is such an important thing to think about. What you watch on TV can determine your whole live. I give you thirty minutes to think about it." Seth says and wants to get up.

"Seth, please stay seated." I tell him. Ryan's plate isn't even half eaten and I won't allow him to starve.

"But I need to call Summer." He replies.

"I know, but as long as not everybody of us has finished, nobody leaves dinner." I determine. Ryan's face tells me, he doesn't like this solution.

"Okay…Ryan could you please hurry up?" My son asks.

"But…I can't eat all of this." Ryan answers.

"Ryan, don't even start discussing about this." I announce him and then he starts slowly eating. I'm glad. I can't look at this thin form anymore. Okay, Seth is very thin, but he's eating enough. I don't see that he's really fighting with what is on his plate. Straight after dinner both our sons disappear one upstairs, the other one in his pool house. I follow him. I don't want him to burry himself in loneliness. I have told him from the very beginning and I'll hinder him. When I knock on the door, nobody answers. I step in. The room is empty? No, the light in the bathroom is on and the tap water runs. I go to see what's going on and there he's leaning over the basin, his stomach fighting its contents.

"Oh honey." I step over to him and rub his back. He's sweating awfully and it seems as if every retching is causing some pain. He rinses his mouth with water when his body had decided that throwing up had to be finished.

"Told you that it was too much." He only says and passes me.

"I know. I…was a little too ambitious to get you back to your former eating habits." He sits down on the bed.

"So, do you come back with me? We're thinking about a movie night." I ask him, but his eyes already tell me he has had enough family for the day.

"Uh…thanks…but I rather like staying here. Don't…don't feel too good." He answers shyly. For today I must admit my defeat. I can't win this battle today.

"Okay, but if you need something, let us know." And with a heavy heart I leave him.

When I check on him later the night, he's already sleeping. At least he can sleep again. The blanket is sprawled over the floor. He has had a nightmare again, I guess. That's the usual mess I find, when he didn't dream well. I pick it up and tuck him in. I don't know whether he likes to be tucked in. I just do so.