Like I said in the summery, I'd like to remind you all that this fic is a CRACK FIC! I don't mean any disrespect and I'm not calling anyone stupid but really. So please can you stop telling me that the characters seem to be unintelligent. KawaiiKittyChan, I am referring to your review. This whole fic is a GIANT JOKE. ONE BIG JOKE! That's all. And you need stupid people (no offence to anyone) to make FUNNIES! And hey if you don't like the damn story, don't fucking read it. Of course I want you to read it, I wrote it, but seriously...

Anyways.
Thank you,
and enjoy the following.

-Lizz

P.S. I'd like to thank blacksand1 and Xeaphon for their funny and encouraging reviews. So...THANKS! lol. Now CONINTUE ON TO THE STORY!

Good Morning

After Integra finally figured the girls probably just shadowed home, like their father was known to do, she conveyed to Walter that they were heading quickly, straight home. After about being a minute on the road, Alucard got in touch with her.

Master. We found them.

Thank God you did. What happened?

Well, when we got here we checked Seras' room, but it had been completely stripped of everything. So then we checked my room but they weren't there either. On our way to the kitchen we saw a few empty blood packets. Following them back to the kitchen we found only ten left. We then checked your office-

You did what?! And you just called Seras, Seras!

Yes. That is her name. We checked your office. But it had been untouched. So starting back in Seras' room, I looked for a scent. Surprisingly, their scent is extremely similar to mine so I could've overlooked it before. Finding mine and Seras', I also found the one I was looking for and traced it to the room next to mine, after finding it all over the room next to that one where they had moved all of Seras' stuff.

…So. They moved Seras' whole room into the one two doors down from yours and moved into the one in-between them?

Yes.

Very well then. We'll be home in a few minutes.

Alucard then closed the link connecting them, and Integra told Walter of what had just past. He, in turn, just chuckled.

---------M&L--

At five o'clock in the afternoon, the next day, Integra had the privilege of hearing the sound of a knock on her door. With a sigh, she put her pen down and uttered a "Come in", to which the door was immediately opened. Instead of finding the usual Pip Bernadette or other random mercenary standing in her door, she saw the two new recruits.

She gave their clothes a skeptical look, to which they both scowled. There they stood in the same black polka dotted pink dresses that they had had on yesterday night. Apparently they agreed with her thoughts.

"Yes. We know already-"

"Pink isn't our color and we wore this yesterday-"

"Our mom made us wear pink all the time. We just guessed she had a pink fetish and she was a very bitchy hag-"

"And she 'insisted' we wear dresses because they're 'proper women's clothes'. The whore-"

"It's not like we ever really met or saw her. Besides at our birth I guess-"

"But after that. Nope. She was just a annoying, ranting, vamp preaching, disembodied voice in our heads."

At the girls' slight enlightenment of their previous living situation, Integra's eyes widen a bit. She at least had seen her mother and father and known them some before they had died. And after that she had had Alucard and Walter to raise her. Alucard as an older brother figure who had taught and teased her. Walter as another father figure.

"Who took care of you?"

"Oh. Mother had her 'people'."

"She was very successful, in the vamp world."

"And she was held in very high respect. Not only for being successful, but also for baring two children of Dracula."

Both nodded at this, then smirked.

"Yeah. That's always a plus-"

"Yeah. Before Mommy, there weren't any other Draculinas left, besides us-"

"And we don't exactly count as Draculinas the same way since we're the first born vampires. And being the children of Dracula, I'd hardly call us vampires anyways. More like demon spawn. We're just to different-"

"Yep. So even after Seras was made and people started to know about her, Mother was still treated like a queen of our people and we were literally princesses-"

"We didn't know about Seras though, until we came here. We could smell her from inside the box, and her scent held a slight similarity to ours-"

"So we figured she had to be a new Draculina. And then she called Daddy 'Master' so we knew our assumption had been correct."

"Ah. I see. So what brings you here to my office at this time in the day? Shouldn't you two be asleep?"

"No. We went to bed early yesterday, so we got up early-"

"Yeah. Plus, Daddy was awake when we got up, so he told us to come here. We have to give a report or something like that, he said."

"Oh, yes. Go on."

Both girls looked pointedly at the two chairs in front of Integra's desk. Asking to sit down.

"Oh. Yes. Be my guests."

They slowly stumbled over, silently rubbing sleep from their eyes and yawning. Once at the chairs, they fell into them as gracefully as two teenagers could right after they'd awakened from their hibernation-like slumber. For a minute they just sat there. Integra watched them quietly, waiting for them to start. After a face rub on Elizabeth's side and a yawn from Mariann, Elizabeth started to report.

"Okay. So, as Daddy has probably already told you, we argued all the way to the town with him and Mommy-"

"When we got out of the truck, we had just told them we'd go-"

"As we waited for them to get out, we took a look around, searching for the targets-"

"We found their pitiful selves on the top floor, in a central room-"

"We scoped them out, making sure they didn't feel us. (We're really good at that stuff.) We came up with our plan after that-"

"As we know Daddy told you, we talked it over between ourselves. We then found that what we did last night, would just be the easiest way to dispose of the vermin-"

"And so, that's when we told you guys that if we had to be there then we were gonna do the mission alone-"

"After walking away we brought our familiars out, as you saw, and put ourselves in their bodies-"

"I flew above the building while waiting for Mari here to secure the room the bad vamps were in-"

"And once I did that, Lizz flew in and deafened everything in the building with her parrot's screech-"

"It stopped them from communicating with each other and the ghouls. It gets in their heads and they can't concentrate enough to talk to each other or use telepathy (assuming they know how to, or can at all)-"

"By the time she did that I was already back in my own body, so I told my familiar to spread out and cut off ALL exits-"

"When that was done, I used my parrot's 'flaming wings of death' to start the fire."

"So. You were in that building...while it burned," Integra slowly asked, after having just stared at the two girls for a minute.

"Oh, no! Of course not! I wouldn't let myself go into 'The Fun Realm' because then we'd never hear the end of it. Instead, after I set the first ghoul on fire, I then came back to myself. Letting my baby do all my 'dirty work'."

"Oh. So. That's all?"

"Yep-" (Mariann)

"Chep." (Elizabeth)

The girls kept their seats instead of getting up and leaving like everyone else did. After a few minutes of Integra working diligently and the two girls lazily watching her, taking the role of her silent audience, Integra took it upon herself to break the silence, "Is there anything else?" Mariann gave her a skeptical look and Elizabeth just cocked an eyebrow. Their looks completely said what they were thinking. 'You really don't know?'

"What," Integra asked, touching her hair and looking as if it might be her appearance that had them giving her such curious looks.

"Oh. It's not your hair or anything like that," Elizabeth said. Mariann then took up the task of making Integra known to the reason that they were still there.

"We're kids. If we work, we want an allowance. Our labor, doesn't come without a price."

Integra openly stared at the two, wide eyed and mouth hanging open. Then a deep chuckle was heard within the room.

"I wouldn't recommend keeping your mouth like that, Master. Never know what you'll catch. A cold. A fly. Maybe even a Frenchman…" Slowly Alucard began to form behind the girls, one hand on the back of Elizabeth's chair to his right, and one on the back of Mariann's chair to his left. Unconcerned, the girls tiredly replied, "Hi, Daddy." While Integra on the other hand snapped her mouth shut and unnoticeably blushed.

"That was horrible, Daddy."

"Anyways. Where's Mommy?"

Ginning at Integra, Alucard answered Mariann's question. "She's sleeping. I just came back from seeing if she was up. She woke up when I came in but I told her to go back to bed since you two could probably handle any job my master throws at us."

The girls just nodded and Alucard swaggered toward his master's desk, passing between the space in-between the two chairs his daughters occupied. Reaching the desk, he turned around to face his girls, leaning back, using the desk for support. Right in front of Integra, cutting off her view, as if she wasn't there.

"So, my darlings, what finds you here in this drab room?"

Elizabeth yawned, glaring at nothing in particular, as if blaming what ever was in her view for her being awake so 'God damned early'. Mariann looked up at her father.

"We're here 'cause you told us to give a report to Auntie Integra."

Elizabeth now spoke up. Lazily adding, "And 'cause we want an allowance for our 'chores'."

With a grim expression on his face, Alucard nodded. "And is Integra being her normal cheap self? Or is she complying?"

"Mari just asked the question right before you came in, and Auntie just stared at us like we were fucking lunatics."

Integra started at the use of 'such language' and then looked up at the back at Alucard's head with a completely enraged, accusing, shocked look that went unnoticed as he let the curse word slide and continued as if nothing happened.

"Ah. I see. And what are the conditions of this allowance?"

"We want a nice amount of money for every chore we do," Mariann said.

"We also"-yawn-"want new clothes, shoes, a rad"-yawn-"Sorry, a radio, two laptops, an iPod and a Zune."

"Did you hear that Ma-"

"Oh. Did I say a Zune?"-yawn-"Scratch that. Two iPods. And beds, p"-yawn-"paints for our room, and"-yawn-"other bedroom accessories."

Alucard had turned back to give Elizabeth 'The Look' when she interrupted him. Now he just watched as she brought her legs up onto the chair with her, turned to the side, closed her eyes and snuggled deeper into her seat. Shaking his head, he turned, once more, to his master, giving her a 'did you get that?' look. To which she just glared back at him, still angry with him for not disciplining Elizabeth for using such un-lady-like language.

Letting an innocent look pass across his face, Alucard asked, "What? What'd I do this time?" Integra just rolled her eyes at his statement.

"How much is a fair sum of money?"

"How much do your men get paid?"

"Now wait a minute. That's a lar-"

"A large amount? Good. We want to get treated equally-"

"Not really. Better actually." (Elizabeth)

"so please (and I did say please) pay us the same."

"But wait what's this other stuff? I understand your bedroom and clothes stuff. But what's this iPod? And why would you need two laptops?"

Slamming her head hard against her knees at the adult's apparent stupidity, Elizabeth said a bland "Ow" that got a weird look from both her father and 'aunt'. Mariann just sighed.

You know how much I hate you in the mornings, Lizz?

Yeah. A lot.

Sending her sister a glare for being so mulish, Mariann then replied to the still unanswered question, as politely and patient-sounding as she could.

"iPods and Zunes are MP3 players. They play the music we put on them. Sorta like a Walkman, I guess; just that it plays music that we want. We need computers to put the music on-"

"And we need two of those 'cause, do you really want to hear us fighting over a computer all the time? Let alone want your house to get damaged while said fights proceed? Probably not." Elizabeth finished Mariann's reply, rudely but to the point, before continuing her reply. "And if you're asking yourself 'why do you need a radio then if you have an MP3 player?' it's 'cause how else will we hear new musics we like? And sometimes you just wanna hear other music you don't listen to just 'cause you've been listening to your usual music for so long and you need something fresh. Does that about sum everything up?"

Both adults stared at Elizabeth as if she had grown two extra heads. Alucard's gaze held amusement, while Integra's held shock. It just wouldn't process through her head that these two fourteen year old girls could be colder, harsher, more demanding than her. And then be rude to her on top of it. No one was rude to her within her own household. They were either scared or just didn't because they worked for her or were her friends like Alucard, Walter, and Seras. Okay. Maybe not Alucard, but he was different. She considered him her 'older brother' just like his daughters considered her their 'aunt' and Seras their 'mommy', so it was almost like he was allowed to be rude now and then. It was like a teaching method for him. He just didn't care, but he made sure not to say anything that would hurt her too bad.

But them calling her their 'aunt', meaning they considered her family, just didn't help her confusion. People aren't rude to their kin.

"Now a days, Auntie, kids practically do whatever the hell they want. And they're not scared of offending elder relatives like they used to be. We could care less if we offend them because they're known to offend their younger relatives and when the said relative says something back about it, they use it against them, saying how ungrateful the kid is. It's just a load of bullshit. If you're gonna dish it out, be ready to get it back. Especially us. We don't stand for being insulted or offended. We're too much like Daddy to stand for it. And as for people not being rude to their kin. Do not you think that when your own uncle pulled a gun on you that he wasn't being rude or mean to his own kin?"

Integra's eyes got even wider. Alucard chuckled a little nervously, while watching Elizabeth closely as she sat in her chair, eyes closed, but apparently not asleep. Mariann just sat there, looking out the window, yawning occasionally.

Your mind was closed right, Integra?

Yes. How'd she-

They're extremely talented in the ways of the mind. But still, it surprised me too, that she had done that.

I think it was a very good thing we kept them here.

Yes. I think it would have been very, very bad had you not let them stay.

Yes. I agree.

Hello, Daddy, Auntie. Are you done talking 'bout me n' Mari?

…Yes, Elizabeth.

"Good. I wanna go back to bed, but I won't be able to today, thanks to this and that little report."

"Why not?"

"School."

"Yeah. We forgot to tell you guys. We have school,"-looks at clock-"in ten minutes, so we need to leave soon-"

"Why don't we just finish this little talk when we get back?"

Integra and Alucard both held looks of shock on their faces. Alucard had his eyebrow raised again and his eyes narrowed questioningly. Integra had almost the same facial expression except her eyes had gone really wide and her mouth hung open a little bit. Eventually Integra recovered enough to speak though,

"You're telling me…that there has been…a school…for the undead…this whole time? And we never heard of it?"

The two girls across from Integra and Alucard just looked at their elders as if they were a little slow. Elizabeth scratched right above her eyebrow and Mariann gave them 'you're completely stupid aren't you?' looks.

"…Uh…Yeah. I guess, Auntie Integra."

"Don't get pert with your aunt right now, Elizabeth. She might bite your head off at this point," Alucard said, giving Integra a cautious look.

Integra had one of her infamous 'Angry Looks' on her face. She opened and closed her mouth a few times as if trying to say something. After a while she closed her eyes and took a deep breath, to calm herself down a bit. When she opened her mouth again all she got out was,

"And where-"

Before, in walked Seras, rubbing sleep out of her eyes. She was wearing a pair of boxers, rolled up a few times to fit like short shorts, and what appeared to be one of Alucard's white shirts, and her hair was in even more disarray then usual thanks to sleep. She yawned once before noticing that everyone had their eyes on her. After rubbing her nose a few times, Seras uttered a tired, "What? I needed something to sleep in and all I had were these boxers, so I asked Master for a shirt," misinterpreting their staring as assumption that she had slept with Alucard. When everyone continued to stare at her (Alucard and the girls giving her subtle hand-motions and looks, telling her to shut up), Seras backed up a step before saying just one more sentence.

"What'd I miss?"

That was all it took. In less then two seconds, Alucard and the two girls took off and were out the door with Seras in hand. Integra blew up and started yelling. She shot her gun three times, the first one hitting Alucard in the shoulder before he turned the corner.

Walter stepped out in front of them, giving Alucard a questioning glance before he too was caught up in the crowd of vampires heading out the door and toward one of the random SUVs sitting in the driveway. Unbeknownst to him, Walter had been chosen as their valet. Seras and him were completely bewildered when they were all thrown into the car and the girls yelled "GO!" as Alucard stuck his head outside to see if Integra was close by. As the SUV's engine caught and Walter pressed the gas pedal, Integra came flying out of the house, gun in hand. But the SUV was already on its way, at the end of the long winding drive up to the house.

Here it is.
The next chapter.
It took forever to write.
I was having trouble on dialogue and the title.
I still don't like the title and might change it later but w/e.
But I think it came out pretty well.
Well R&R.
please and thank you.