all that jazz

theme 18: some advice

I.

When bribing Rude, use chocolate chip biscuits. Homemade. None of that—cheap, sticky crap. Real, honest-to-the-Planet, doughy goodness that just melts at the first touch, little sparks of heaven that are already preparing you to lift-off. So: homemade chocolate chip biscuits. With a dash of orange zest.

… if he's in a particularly jolly mood, then he may be partial to a bit of steak, red wine, and Beethoven murmuring in the background.

But be warned: only use the alternative if you're absolutely positive that Rude is in a good mood.

He's a man of class, but does love the simple pleasures life, home bakery being one of them.

II.

Do not mention dwarves, elves or Halflings to Reno.

Not if you don't want to be plagued by nightmares, or driven to insomnia by the continuous chant, croon, croak of 'They're Taken The Hobbits To Isengard' for the next lunar cycle.

Elena and Rude may smite you because of it. Maybe just Reno. Or do both.

III.

Train spotting.

If you let your thoughts go any further, then you're in trouble. The why, wherefore, the how, the direction, the carefully chosen colours, the improvements, the historical past, the blunders and comparisons with possible future, current past, and fashion trends of trains past, will be carefully and accurately detailed by Elena, by the next morning and drag you off to the nearest station that has concealable blushes.

She will never forget the binoculars. Or her lucky train – the legend of it only appearing once before her eager eyes at the tender age of three.

To remedy this problem, prepare a picnic basket the previous day; and drown out her incessant chatter by sneaking an iPod or mp3 player, and remember to smile and nod as she turns to look at you. Pull faces at her when she's not looking to make you feel better is acceptable.

But very importantly: do not say anything, not a word; since it's the only way to eventually shut her up.

IV.

Try as you might, the three of them are inseparable. So don't bother crossing them.

Their greatest weakness is each other.

Their greatest strength is each other.