2. SITTING ON BABIES
[SMOKER outside of APARTMENT. Sounds of muffled explosions. A brief silence. ACE opens the door.]
ACE: (Surprised) Oh, hello Smoker. Babysitting again?
SMOKER: [Glare Glare Glare]
ACE: Okay, great! Can you help me keep Luffy away from the microwave? I gotta go pee. [Runs off, presumably to the BATHROOM.]
SMOKER: [Sighs. Enters APARTMENT. Goes into KITCHEN.] Straw Hat!
LUFFY: [Stops prodding microwave with coathanger] Oh, hello Mr. Smokey! What are we going to do today?
SMOKER: I'm probably going to kill you.
LUFFY: Heeheehee, that sounds fun! Can you kill Ace too?
SMOKER: Sure, why not. The more the merrier.
LUFFY: Yey! [Picks nose]
[Sound of toilet flushing and running water. BATHROOM door opens. ACE goes into KITCHEN. Pours himself a glass of milk.]
ACE: What did I miss? [Drinks milk. Loves life.]
LUFFY: Smoker's going to kill us!
ACE: [Chokes] Excuse me?
SMOKER: Uh, I said… "thrill"…?
ACE: Ooooh… okay! Sounds fun! Right Luffy?
LUFFY: (Dejected) Killing us sounded cooler…
SMOKER: We could always do that instead.
ACE: [Smile sweetly] No thanks, we're good. (To LUFFY) If you want to die so badly, go jump off some cliffs in your video games.
LUFFY: Hurray! [Leaves]
ACE: Sooo… gramps made you come here again?
SMOKER: [Sigh] Yes.
ACE: I'll try to talk to him again tomorrow. It's not like we're little kids anymore. We don't need any babysitters.
[Sound of an explosion. LUFFY yells.]
ACE: (Louder) We can take care of ourselves just fine! [Coughs]
SMOKER: Right. [Pause] Did you see the Tea Museum fire? You live pretty close to it… it's just a couple of blocks away.
ACE: (Excitedly) Oh, yeah it was so awesome. It was humungous! I liked the part where the big sign on the roof exploded and rained possibly fatal but cool-looking flaming shrapnel everywhere! Mmm… fire… [Zones out]
SMOKER: (Mutter) So everyone did just stand and watch it burn down… except the blind pedestrian who called the fire department.
[Exploding noises.]
ACE: [Snaps out of it] Another one? (Yell) Luffy, what are you doing?
LUFFY: Nothing!
[Explosion. ACE and SMOKER go to where LUFFY is.]
ACE: … what did you do to the TV?
LUFFY: Coathanger!
ACE: Riiiiiiight…
LUFFY: (Proudly) There's no more static anymore! Cuz I fixed it! [Points to mangled TV]
ACE: Let's stick a coathanger into your brain! That might fix it.
LUFFY: Heeheehee, Ace you're such a joker!
ACE: (Suspiciously) Joker? I'm not a joker. I'm everything and anything but a joker. Who told you I was a joker? Because I'm not. A Joker. Which I'm not.
LUFFY: Mr. Smoker, isn't Ace funny?
SMOKER: Yes. You're both funny in the head.
ACE: Hey, that's mea – [Falls asleep]
LUFFY: … what would happen if I stuck a coathanger up Ace's nose?
SMOKER: [Shrug] Go for it.
LUFFY: Okay!
[SMOKER escapes while LUFFY is distracted.]
[SMOKER's LIVING ROOM. SMOKER in his armchair, drinking coffee. TASHIGI on the sofa, polishing her sword.]
SMOKER: [Sigh] I hate those kids.
TASHIGI: Speaking of them, Garp called you – well, Batman, um, but, that's pretty much the same thing. But I'd never tell anyone, sir!
SMOKER: [Clears throat]
TASHIGI: Oh. Right. Garp wants you to look after Ace and Luffy again tomorrow. Sorry sir.
SMOKER: [Tries to drown himself in the mug of coffee]
TASHIGI: Might I suggest a more productive solution than killing yourself, sir?
SMOKER: [Stops drowning] Killing them instead? With your shiny sword?
TASHIGI: (Appalled) No, sir! I just cleaned it! I was thinking that you should get a sidekick!
SMOKER: … a sidekick.
TASHIGI: Yes! In fact, I've already found somebody, sir!
SMOKER: (Worried) It's not Hina, is it?
TASHIGI: No sir! Having two people that talk to themselves is a bit too much. Um, oops, sorry sir.
SMOKER: [Glares] Then who is it? I hope it's not you.
TASHIGI: No, sir, it's not me either! I have to stay home to destroy things and polish my swords! It's somebody famous you've heard of!
[Doorbell rings]
SMOKER: Go get the door.
[TASHIGI salutes. Goes to answer the door. Many crashing noises. TASHIGI returns a few minutes later.]
TASHIGI: Sir, meet Ms. Nico Robin! [Steps aside]
ROBIN: [Enters LIVING ROOM] (Mysteriously) Hello, Mr. Smoker. It's a pleasure to meet you. [Smile]
SMOKER: [Stares at Tashigi] You asked Nico Robin to be my sidekick?
TASHIGI: Yes sir! Isn't she cool? She'd make a great sidekick! And isn't she so mysterious? It's just like when you're Batman, sir!
SMOKER: [Facepalm] Tashigi…
TASHIGI: (Flustered) Uh… oops! I'm sorry sir! She's just too mysterious and it accidentally slipped out! [Wibbles]
ROBIN: (Mysteriously) It's alright Ms. Tashigi. I'm honoured to meet Loguetown's vigilante. [Smile]
SMOKER: (Grumbling) Yeah, fine. But why Robin? She's so bloody famous! Everybody in Loguetown knows who she is!
ROBIN: (Mysteriously) With all due respect, you're not so unknown yourself, Mr. Smoker. [Smile]
SMOKER: True. [Pause] Do you always… act so…
TASHIGI: Mysterious? Sir?
ROBIN: (Mysteriously) Yes. [Smile]
SMOKER: … then isn't it easy for people to find out your 'secret identity' if you become my sidekick?
ROBIN: (Mysteriously) Probably. [Smile]
SMOKER: Hmm… [Thinks] Let's use reverse psychology. If we give Robin a really stupid and obvious alter ego, nobody will think it's actually stupid and obvious, and will never figure it out.
TASHIGI: Ooh, that's tricky sir!
SMOKER: I'm Batman, so Robin can be… Robin. Sure. They both fly.
TASHIGI: Wow, nobody would ever think Robin is Robin! Really clever, sir!
ROBIN: (Mysteriously) Alright, then I'm Robin. [Smile]
TASHIGI: … um, we already knew that, ma'am.
SMOKER: She meant the other Robin.
TASHIGI: Oh. [Pause] It's working already, sir! You're amazing!
SMOKER: Whatever. (To ROBIN / ROBIN) You up for some babysitting?