3. PIGEONS WITH ACNE
[SMOKER and ACE ambling in the GALLEY-LA PARK. ROBIN sitting on a bench, reading. LUFFY chasing pigeons nearby.]
ACE: Haha, got tired of us, eh?
SMOKER: [Glare Glare Glare]
ACE: Wow, that bad huh? Well, Robin seems nice. She doesn't seem to mind Luffy much. Can actually make him act normal. More or less.
[ROBIN looks up from book. Waves to SMOKER and ACE mysteriously. Smiles.]
ACE: … is she always…?
SMOKER: Hnn.
ACE: Ah. And afterwards, does she always…?
SMOKER: Hnn.
ACE: Oh. Okay. I guess… hmm. I don't know. [Pause] Does this mean we don't get to see you anymore?
[SMOKER blanks out for a few seconds and smiles absently. A tree explodes and bursts into flames due to the horrific anomaly. ACE gets distracted by the fire and does not suffer any trauma.]
LUFFY: (To ACE) Ace, one of these pigeons can talk!
ACE: Really? What does it say?
LUFFY: Something about taking over the world! Isn't it funny?
ACE: Ooookay…
LUFFY: Heehee, now it's saying, "Puny mortal, worship my pimptasticness!" [Pause] Ace, why is the pigeon boasting about its acne?
ACE: That's "pimple", not "pimp". They're different.
LUFFY: Oh. What's a pimp?
ACE: Ask Sanji tomorrow.
LUFFY: Okay! [Resumes chasing pigeons]
[Cellphone rings. SMOKER answers it.]
SMOKER: Hello? Yes, I'm with your idiot grandsons. No, I do not like them. No, I'm not going to train them into 'strong policemen'. Why would I care if you're going to nom my brainz? You can't. They're my brainzes. Uh, I mean my brain. Brain. Yes.
[ACE stares at SMOKER weirdly.]
SMOKER: [Cough] Anyways, I found them a different babysitter. [Cringes and holds phone away from ear. Loud squabbling heard from cellphone.] Shut up. Shut up. Really, shut up. Stop talking. Shut up. Are you even listening to me? Does anyone ever listen to me?
ACE: Sorry, what did you say?
SMOKER: [Glares at ACE] Portgas…
ACE: [Whistles]
SMOKER: (Into cellphone) No, I was just angry at him. No, I do not like that narcoleptic idiot.
ACE: Oi, I'm right here.
SMOKER: [Ignores ACE] Shut up. Shut up. Please. Shut up. Oh #$% this. [Hangs up]
LUFFY: (Sounding far away) Heeheehee! Oh, Mr. Pigeon, you're so funny! All your talk about assassinating the mayor! [Giggle]
ACE: Wow, that's one messed up pigeon.
SMOKER: [Tries to find something to kill himself with]
[OFFICE inside the POLICE DEPARTMENT. Lights are off. Desk lamp is turned on and angled towards the wall. GARP sitting at the desk making shadow puppets.]
GARP: (Falsetto) No, I'm too sexy to die!
[OFFICER COBY pauses outside the door. Retreats quickly.]
[Inside the KITCHEN of WAYNE MANOR. Lots of smoke in the air. Remains of coffee machine on the counter. TASHIGI flailing around.]
TASHIGI: (Flustered) Oh darn it, there goes my salary.
[MAYOR ICEBURG's BEDROOM. ICEBURG sitting in armchair, reading FRANKY's diary. Open window. Ominous wind.]
ICEBURG: Nmaa, that idiot always leaves this in the same place every time… [Flips page. Chokes.] Whoa. That was unexpected. Huh, but it's kind of sexy…
[Menacing cooing noise from windowsill. ICEBURG looks up.]
ICEBURG: … what the –
PIGEON: My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
ICEBURG: OH SHI –