4. (NO) COFFEE MACHINES
[Mysterious ROOFTOP. Teapot-Signal is lit. GARP once again making asinine shadow puppets.]
GARP: I'm a little teapot short and stout, here is my handle here is my spout.
[BATMAN appears]
GARP: (Falsetto) Oh, Mr. Zombie Rabbit, you naughty thing, you!
BATMAN: I'm not even going to ask anymore.
GARP: (Falsetto) O Lordy, it's Batman!
BATMAN: [Clears throat] Wrong voice.
GARP: Oh right. Sorry. Gwahaha!
BATMAN: [Surreptitiously glances over side of building ] (Thoughtful) Hmm…
GARP: So! We've finally got a lead on that arsonist! Isn't that great?
BATMAN: … actually, yeah. I was dreading another babysitting call.
GARP: Well, the kids got a new babysitter that's apparently very mysterious, so you don't have to do that anymore. [Fishes around inside pocket] Anyways, our detectives found identical clues at both scenes! Take a look! [Fishes out a goldfish]
GOLDFISH: Feed me, human!
GARP: [Blinks] Huh. Where did that come from? [Puts back into pocket and pulls out two cards] Ah, here we go.
BATMAN: [Examines cards] Huh, they're both jokers. Looks like they're also from the same deck – they've got the same backing, and one's monochrome while the other isn't.
GARP: Right! So we don't have to worry about this mysterious fellow anymore because he ran out of Joker cards!
BATMAN: … he can just go buy another deck.
GARP: [Pause] True. Darn, that means less time for me to play with Mr. Zombie Rabbit and Ms. Magical Sugarbum.
BATMAN: Miss what? Okay, never mind. Forget it. You're bloody retarded. So what are we going to do with 'the Joker'?
GARP: Who?
BATMAN: The Jo – the arsonist.
GARP: Oh! You called the arsonist the Joker! Gwahaha, you confused me there! How did you come up with such an awesome name?
BATMAN: From the bloody cards he left behind.
GARP: He did what?
BATMAN: [Stares intently at edge of building. Hyperventilates.] (Mutter) Think. Happy. Thoughts. Of. Justice. Puppies.
GARP: Oh, well, I don't know what to do with the Joker yet! Gwahaha!
BATMAN: ARGH!
[BATMAN throws GARP off the roof. Loud audible thud. Moment of silence.]
GARP: (Distant) Gwahaha, that was fun! Let's do that again!
[BATMAN leaves to find a nice place to kill himself.]
[ICEBURG's BEDROOM. Intense silence. Epic staring contest between ICEBURG and PIGEON.]
PIGEON: I'll get you for killing my daddy! [Coos angrily]
ICEBURG: Nmaa… this is all just some bizarre misunderstanding!
PIGEON: No! I will have vengeance! [Chokes ICEBURG with its handzes]
ICEBURG: (Breathing heavily) Look… I am your father…!
PIGEON: (Flabbergasted) What? No! No! That can't be true!
ICEBURG: Search your feelings, you know it to be true!
PIGEON: Noooooooooooooo!
ICEBURG: Oh, and by the way, the cake is also a lie.
PIGEON: I HATE YOU! [Flies out window, crying.]
ICEBURG: [Sighs in relief] Nmaa, that was way too close. Back to porn! [Opens Franky's diary and starts reading again.]
[TASHIGI at the cashier of a PET STORE, talking to SALESPERSON.]
TASHIGI: Hello, miss! I'm here for a coffee machine. Can you tell me where they are?
SP: Um…
[Three dogs and a lion bark at the back of the PET STORE]
TASHIGI: Wow, I never knew you let people bring their pets here!
SP: Um, ma'am, this is a pet store.
TASHIGI: … really? Isn't this "Minions N' Things"?
SP: No ma'am, this is "Buggy's Pet Emporium Extraordinaire".
TASHIGI: Oh darn. I knew I shouldn't have lost my glasses. Sorry! Goodbye, miss!
SP: Have a nice day! [Smile]
[TASHIGI bows and turns around to leave. Trips on a squeaky toy. Crashes into and knocks over an aquarium. Sets loose a herd of sea buffalo. Chaos ensues.]
[SMOKER working at desk inside his OFFICE. TASHIGI looking for her glasses.]
TASHIGI: Sir, I found them!
SMOKER: [Looks up] That's a coffee machine.
TASHIGI: Oh. That's why it was so heavy. But now we have a coffee machine, sir! [Drops coffee machine accidentally. Coffee machine breaks.] Um, oops. Never mind, sir.
[Doorbell rings]
TASHIGI: I'll get it! [Leaves]
SMOKER: Uhh…
[Loud series of crashes and explosions. One pinging sound. TASHIGI returns a few minutes later.]
TASHIGI: Sir, it's Robin!
SMOKER: (Confused) Why is she here? Isn't she golfing today?
ACE: Um, actually… It's me, Ace.
TASHIGI: Oh darn, not again. Sorry sir! [Wibbles]
SMOKER: (Mutter) Note to self, buy Tashigi glasses before she kills herself. Or me. (Louder) Okay, why are you here, Portgas?
ACE: You left something at our apartment. [Reaches into backpack]
SMOKER: Oh. What did I forget?
ACE: These! [Pulls out a pair of fluffy bunny slippers.]
TASHIGI: [Snicker]
SMOKER: [Glare Glare Glare]
TASHIGI: Sorry, sir. I'll go now. [Exits by smashing through wall.] I'm okay!
ACE: Um.
SMOKER: Okay, who said that these were mine?
ACE: Oh! Gramps told me to return these two you. [Pause] This was a prank, wasn't it?
SMOKER: Yes.
ACE: [Sigh] Well, I'll just bring these back home then…
SMOKER: Um, actually, since you went through all that trouble bringing it here, I'll just keep them. [Cough]
ACE: [Snerk] They are yours, aren't they?
SMOKER: [Glare] … yes. Now give me my fluffy footwear. [Takes slippers]
[Cellphone rings. ACE answers it.]
ACE: (To SMOKER) Sorry, wait a moment. (Into phone) Hello? [Pause] Marco? Hey… what? Why are you crying? What happened now? [Pause] Why would Blackbeard take your teddy bear? That's stupid. Anyways, how are you feeling? [Pause] Okay, I did not need to hear that. [Pause] No, I don't hate you – oh geez, please stop crying. [Pause] No, I won't say it, there's somebody else here. [Pause] Oh fine… "I wuv you more than all dem butterflies and wainbows and pwetty ponies put together in a super magical yumyum cake".
SMOKER: [Dying of laughter]
ACE: [Glares at SMOKER] Shut up! [Pause] (Into phone) No, I wasn't talking to you! [Pause] No, no, I didn't mean that I didn't want to talk to you. [Pause] Marco! Seriously! You need therapy! STOP CALLING ME. [Pause] (Near tears) Please stop crying…
SMOKER: Ask him how the super magical yumyum cake tastes. He might feel better.
ACE: [Kicks SMOKER's shin.] 'Kay Marco, I'll talk to Blackbeard later. [Pause] Huh? Oh, your deck of cards? Um, yeah I still have them. No, I promise I'll give them back. Really. Uh, no. I just need them for another while. No, it's a secret. Okay. I pinky swear. Lalala, bye bye. [Hangs up. Sighs in relief.]
SMOKER: [Stare suspiciously at ACE]
ACE: [Looks at watch] Whoa, I should be going now. Bye Smoker! [Leaves]
SMOKER: That was weird. [Glances around furtively] Phew, I got my precious slippers back! [Puts them on tenderly]
ACE: [Opens door] AHA! I KNEW IT!
[SMOKER throws coffee machine at ACE. Coffee machine does 69 damage!]