5. THE MAD TEA PARTY
[SMOKER taking a stroll in the CITY SQUARE. Cellphone rings. SMOKER answers it.]
ACE: (Screeching from phone) BATMAN!
SMOKER: HOLY #$%! [Almost drops phone]
ACE: Eh? Smoker?
SMOKER: Yes. Why did you think I was Batman?
ACE: Oh. Well, my gramps told me Batman's phone number, which was apparently identical to yours! Hahaha!
SMOKER: [Worries]
ACE: Oh well, I guess he gave me the wrong number!
[SMOKER thanks whoever made the Ds idiots. Somewhere far away, a GOLDFISH smiles back.]
ACE: Well, you might not be as good of a help but… (Hopeful) Can you do me a favour? Please please maybe?
SMOKER: (Suspicious) What kind of a favour?
ACE: Um… [Pause] (Quickly) Gramps is making me go to his tea party!
SMOKER: (Horrified) Oh, heck no! I'm not going with you!
ACE: (Sobbing) B-but, Mr. Zombie Rabbit will be there! What if he nomz my brainzes?
SMOKER: You had no brainzes to be nomzed in the first place!
[PASSERSBY stare at SMOKER oddly.]
ACE: (Hysterical) Nononononono you can't leave me all by myself nonono!
SMOKER: Take your brother with you!
ACE: Nuh uh, I can't! He got hospitalized for eating a coathanger!
SMOKER: Tough luck! You're on your own!
ACE: (Desperate) No, please! Don't abandon me! I'll do anything!
SMOKER: [Dirty thoughts] Anything, eh…?
ACE: YES! I'D EVEN LET YOU F—
[Sudden silence. SMOKER's cellphone beeps.]
SMOKER: Huh. Guess he fell asleep. [Moar dirty thoughts] Darn, almost got him. Well, there's always somebody else… [Smirk]
[TASHIGI meandering in the PARK.]
TASHIGI: (To tree) Excuse me sir, but can you tell me where I can find "Minions N' Things"?
SOGEKING: [Randomly appears] You can find it… in your heart.
TASHIGI: … I don't think that's where it –
SOGEKING: (Menacing) IT'S IN YOUR HEART.
TASHIGI: [Wibbles] B-but…!
PIGEON: It's next to "Buggy's Pet Emporium Extraordinaire", you imbeciles.
[HINA and SMOKER in SMOKER's BATHROOM.]
SMOKER: (Mutter) Note to self, time to act on dirty thoughts.
HINA: Hina is not happy!
SMOKER: (Growl) Dang it woman, you're too slow! Go faster!
HINA: [Scowl] Hina going as fast as she can!
SMOKER: Then try harder!
HINA: (Angry) Hina does not want to! It's dirty and it smells bad!
SMOKER: Too bad, you lost the bet! Now scrub that toilet until even Tashigi can see her face in it! SCRUB IT!
[Abandoned WAREHOUSE. Many stacks of wooden crates. TASHIGI standing in front of MOP.]
TASHIGI: Hello sir! I'm here to pick up my new glasses. I'm "Tashigi Albert Pennyworth".
MOP: …
TASHIGI: Oh, are you new here? I'm sorry, sir!
[Mysterious figure enters WAREHOUSE.]
TASHIGI: [Gasp] (Angrily) RORONOA ZORO! Gimme back my dolly, you meanie poopface!
ROBIN: (Mysteriously) Ms. Tashigi, Mr. Wayne sent me to find you. [Smile]
TASHIGI: Oh, I'm sorry Ms. Robin! [Pause] Wait, are you Robin right now, or Robin?
ROBIN: (Mysteriously) Robin. [Smile]
TASHIGI: Ooh, I thought so. Thanks for coming to find me! [Bows to MOP]
ROBIN: (Mysteriously) Alright, it's time to go. [Smile]
[TASHIGI and ROBIN exit.]
MOP: … that was one weird lady. [Shudder]
[LOGUETOWN HOSPITAL. Very white room. LUFFY staring incredulously at DOCTOR.]
LUFFY: N-no! You must be kidding!
DOCTOR: (Apologetic) I'm sorry, but you can't eat meat for the next two months.
LUFFY: B-but… I thought the coathanger would fix my tummy aches! [Wails]
[SMOKER pacing outside of APARTMENT.]
SMOKER: (Mutter) Why am I here? I really shouldn't be… yeah. Portgas will be fine on his own. [Prepares to leave]
[Shriek of absolute terror from inside APARTMENT. Ominous laughter. Drumming noises.]
SMOKER: (Mildly alarmed) Portgas? [Opens door]
[GARP dressed as the Energizer Bunny and looming over ACE. ACE dressed (only) in frilly pink apron, cowering on the floor. SMOKER's eyes bleed.]
SMOKER: (Traumatized) #$% #$% #$% #$% $#% #$% IT HURTS IT HURTS.
ACE: (Emotional) Smoker, my saviour! [Bursts into tears. Glomps SMOKER.]
SMOKER: GET AWAY GET AWAY. [Accidentally looks at ACE again.] AGH! [Claws face]
ACE: (Concerned) Oi, don't do that to your face! [Stops SMOKER's self-mutilation]
GARP: Gwahaha! Look Ms. Magical Sugarbum, now I have two brainzes to nomz nao! [Acts pedophilic]
ACE: (Squeaky) STAY AWAY! [Tries to hide behind SMOKER]
SMOKER: In the name of Justice, put on some pants.
GARP: BRAINZES!
[SMOKER beats GARP on the head with the bass drum mallets. GARP falls unconscious. Bass drum breaks.]
ACE: [Sniffle] Thank you…
SMOKER: If this is how all of Garp's tea parties end up, I'm never ever attending one again. And you aren't either. [Pause] Why is your butt sparkly?
ACE: (Wibbling) B-because I had to be Ms. Magical Sugarbum! [Cries hysterically from trauma]
SMOKER: [Thinks. Gags.] URK. EW. [Disinfects brain] … okay. Go get some pants. And then we'll burn the apron.
ACE: [Stops crying] Sweet! [Sets apron on fire]
SMOKER: YOU #$%ING IDIOT, NOT WHILE YOU'RE STILL IN IT!
ACE: OUCH OUCH OUCH! But it's pretty! OUCH!
[SMOKER tries to extinguish fire. ACE is highly uncooperative and gets mad at SMOKER for trying to extinguish a pretty fire. SMOKER compromises by letting ACE watch the apron burn after he takes it off.]
GARP: [Wakes up. Misinterprets strange situation.] NO, MS. MAGICAL SUGARBUM! HOW COULD YOU CHEAT ON ME WITH SMOKER WAYNE? [Bawls]
ACE: (Distracted) Hmm? [Pause] Oh #$% I'm naked.
[SMOKER emos and then leaps out the window in frustration.]
ACE: (Embarassed) Aw crud, I can't believe I just stood there watching that really pretty fire without any clothes on… OH #$% THIS IS THE #$%ING THIRTEENTH #$%ING STOREY. [Runs out of apartment to see if SMOKER is okay.]
GARP: (Mournfully) At least you still love me. [Pets the GOLDFISH]
GOLDFISH: Someday I will smite you!