11. DRIVE, NOT SEX DRIVE
[LUFFY and ZORO standing outside ACE'S BEDROOM door. ACE and SMOKER inside.]
ZORO: So your brother's here, right?
LUFFY: Yup! Oh, and Mr. Smokey is here too.
ZORO: (Skeptical) Mr. Smokey? As in Smoker Wayne? Here?
LUFFY: Yeah! Ace said that they were going to play together.
ACE: (Grumble) Dang it, go faster you stupid turtle!
ZORO: [Coughs uncomfortably] Uh… playing?
LUFFY: That's what she said!
ZORO: … Ace is a guy.
LUFFY: Duh!
ZORO: Never mind.
ACE: [Gasp] You #$%er!
ZORO: Uh… maybe I'll talk to him later.
LUFFY: Why not now?
SMOKER: (Smug) Can't keep up?
ACE: (Flustered) Shut up! That won't work again!
ZORO: I think we should leave now…!
LUFFY: Nah, I'll just go in and get him! [Turns doorknob]
SMOKER: Yeah? Then what about this?
ACE: [Cringe] #$%!
[ZORO hastily drags LUFFY away. Exits.]
SMOKER: [Smirk] In your face.
ACE: (Angry) You…! We're doing it again! Again, damn it!
SMOKER: No way! We've already done this eight times. Stop being such a sore loser.
ACE: I'm not a sore loser! [Glare]
SMOKER: Just shut up, Portgas. You're too noisy.
ACE: Seriously! There is no way you could have won fairly! Cheater!
SMOKER: Hey!
ACE: You definitely cheated somehow! There's no way you could've won every time by chucking a #$%ing banana peel at my super cart!
SMOKER: [Snort] Tch - I just have mad skills. You snooze, you lose. [Pause] Oh. Sorry.
ACE: Yeah, thanks a lot, jerk.
[At the BARATIE restaurant. ZORO and SANJI at table.]
SANJI: You're joking.
ZORO: No.
SANJI: You're pulling my leg!
ZORO: Idiot cook, that was yesterday! But seriously, I heard them…
SANJI: Smoker Wayne? And Luffy's brother?
ZORO: (Loudly) Shh! Keep it down! What would you do if people found out Smoker Wayne and Portgas D. Ace are having an illicit affair together?
ZEFF: (Shocked) Smoker Wayne and Portgas D. Ace are having an illicit affair together?
[Entire BARATIE gasps in surprise.]
PATTY: Gosh darnit, we have to tell everyone!
CARNE: Yessiree!
[EVERYONE runs out to tell EVERYONE ELSE.]
ZORO: Look at what you did! [Glare]
SANJI: [Kick] That was entirely your fault!
[ACE enters.]
SANJI: (Whisper) It's him!
ZORO: (Whisper) Just act natural.
[ZORO and SANJI smile vacantly.]
ACE: Oh, hey guys!
ZORO: Yes, yes, hey! [Laughs naturally]
ACE: (Disturbed) Uh, are you okay…?
SANJI: Oh, he's fine and dandy! Just dandy!
ZORO: As dandy as a dandelion!
[ZORO and SANJI laugh maniacally. ACE slaps them.]
SANJI: Yeah, sorry about that.
ACE: Tch. I don't have the energy to deal with psychos right now. So stop acting like Marco. Immediately. [Yawn]
SANJI: You look tired.
ZORO: (Whisper to SANJI) Idiot! Of course he is!
SANJI: (Whisper to ZORO) Oh right! I forgot!
ACE: Yeah, I'm tired… [Stretch] Ouch… my shoulders hurt too. Guess I stayed in the same position for too long. (Grumble) Stupid old man doesn't know when to call it quits…
ZORO: [Coughs awkwardly] That's nice! Haha!
ACE: Huh?
ZORO: We have to go now! Right Sanji?
SANJI: (Confused) Huh? (Enlightened) Oh! Right! Yes! Yes we do!
[ZORO and SANJI laugh maniacally again.]
ACE: Don't make me hit you! [Glare]
ZORO: That won't be necessary! [Slaps ACE on the back good-naturedly]
ACE: Ow!
SANJI: [Kicks ZORO's head] Idiot! (To ACE) We'll be going now.
[ZORO and SANJI exits.]
ACE: [Cracks shoulder and winces] Ack… no more video games for a while…
[At POLICE STATION. Ballet lessons.]
BON CLAY: Higher, higher! [Pulls on COBY's leg.]
COBY: Ow!
[Phone rings]
GARP: [Picks up] Hello?
ZEFF: (From phone) Your oldest grandson is having an illicit affair with Smoker Wayne!
GARP: (Thunderstruck) ACE IS HAVING AN ILLICIT AFFAIR WITH SMOKER WAYNE?
[Silence]
HELMEPPO: Wait, what?
[At the BARATIE. SANJI on break outside, smoking. Cellphone rings.]
SANJI: [Answers] Hello?
LUFFY: (From phone) Hi Sanji! What's a pimp?
SANJI: [Choke] Why are you asking me?
LUFFY: Oh, I forgot to ask you a long time ago! But Ace told me to ask you, haha!
SANJI: Why would Ace make you ask me what a pimp is?
LUFFY: I dunno. Maybe I should have asked Mr. Smokey.
SANJI: Eh?
LUFFY: Well, he was there too!
SANJI: Umm…
LUFFY: So, do you know? Tell me! Tell me!
SANJI: (Irritated) Stop bothering me! Ask Ace, he's the gold digger!
LUFFY: Gold digger? What's that? Is it tasty?
[SANJI hangs up. ZORO arrives.]
ZORO: Oi, what happened? You look more terrible than usual.
SANJI: (Despaired) Luffy has been corrupted!
[At GALLEY-LA PARK. SMOKER taking a stroll, enjoying his regained mobility.]
SMOKER: I can finally move, dang it. [Grumble]
HINA: [Appears] Ah, Smoker! Hina hasn't seen you in a while. (Accusing) Smoker wasn't avoiding Hina, was he?
SMOKER: Uh… would saying "yes" be a bad idea?
HINA: Oh it'd be most unwise.
SMOKER: Uh, I've been, uh, busy. Er… how are things at the station?
HINA: Actually, there have been… rampant rumours… circulating around lately. Hina is most curious…
SMOKER: Hnn.
HINA: How have Garp's grandchildren been faring…?
SMOKER: [Snort] Those annoying brats? Nothing but trouble, like always. Straw Hat is in the hospital.
HINA: What about Ace?
SMOKER: (Grouchy) He's as irritating as ever. Made me waste an entire morning.
HINA: Hina sees… [Taking notes]
SMOKER: … what the heck are you doing?
HINA: (Innocent) Oh, nothing.
SMOKER: (Suspicious) Okay… whatever. [Leaves]
[GARP pops out of a bush]
HINA: The probability of the rumour being true seems high, sir. Hina is most amused.
GARP: (Angry) This is the last straw!
[Inside SMOKER'S BEDROOM. SMOKER reading. ACE enters.]
ACE: Again! [Points at SMOKER]
SMOKER: (Annoyed) Leave me alone already! Find someone else to play with.
ACE: (Accusing) You're just afraid you won't win this time!
[Bowling ball whizzes past ACE's nose]
ACE: (Very unmanly) Eek! [Clings to SMOKER in terror]
SMOKER: [Stares blankly at bowling ball embedded in wall] Um…
GARP: [Comes out of the closet] AHA! CAUGHT IN THE ACT!
ACE: (Hysterical) I'm sorry! I'll never bother Smoker again!
SMOKER: (Hopeful) Really?
GARP: No, not that! [Jabs ACE with finger] How dare you do such a thing?
ACE: Ouchy! [Wibble] What did I do?
GARP: That thing you did this morning with Smoker in your apartment!
ACE: Oh! That. Uh…
GARP: For Pete's sake, think about how much older he is than you! Fourteen years!
SMOKER: See? It's not just me that says that… [Grumble]
ACE: But how does that matter?
GARP: Don't speak, you insolent cur! [Glare]
[ACE nods vigorously]
GARP: Shame! Shame on you! You are prohibited from seeing Smoker ever again, do you hear me?
ACE: (Aghast) What?
GARP: Silence!
[ACE shuts up again]
SMOKER: Isn't that a tad extreme? Not like I'm complaining.
GARP: After such a heinous breach of conduct? I'm being lenient.
ACE: (Confused) B-but… what the heck was so wrong about it?
GARP: (Angry) You're asking me what's wrong with having an illicit affair with Smoker Wayne?
[Silence]
SMOKER: (Revolted) What the #$%? With Portgas?[Pause] With anyone?
ACE: [Blush] Where did that come from?
GARP: Don't feign ignorance! Luffy and Zoro clearly heard you two in your bedroom, Ace!
ACE: … Uh, we were just playing video games, gramps.
GARP: [Pause] Oh. (Cheerful) Never mind, then! Gwahahaha! [Exit]
ACE: What the heck!
SMOKER: (Angry) See? I told you that playing video games was a bad idea! Did you listen? NO! You just kept pestering me!
ACE: But didn't you have fun?
SMOKER: NO! [Glare Glare Glare]
ACE: Hey, you were having fun! Don't deny it. Play again with me!
SMOKER: Shut up! I'm never playing Moria Kart with you ever again, you twit!