13. CAHNSAHKWINSAHZZ
[In WHITEBEARD'S OFFICE. WHITEBEARD (WB) sits on an imposing chair behind desk. BB sitting in front of desk. JOZU and MARCO seated on random chairs in OFFICE. ACE standing in front of desk.]
ACE: I'm telling you, pops! Blackbeard murdered Thatch!
BB: Ah ded nawt.
ACE: Shut up! You're guilty! Guilty!
WB: [Sigh] Son, the court acquitted him. Nothing we can do about it.
ACE: But… but…
JOZU: Yeah man, they didn't even find proof! [Taps chair with spatula]
MARCO: Thaaaaaaaaatch… [Wail]
ACE: … Marco you're useless.
[MARCO cries harder]
ACE: They still refused to accept the tape?
WB: Well, nobody understood it.
ACE: I did!
WB: Yeah, that's why nobody accepted the tape.
JOZU: Oh, you got burned, dude.
ACE: (Distracted) Fire? (Focused) Geh! I mean… the confession was caught on tape. And it doesn't count?
BB: Aht's behcahz nao bahdeh knyew what ah wahz sehyang. [Snahrt]
JOZU: What?
MARCO: What?
WB: What?
ACE: [Facepalm] ARGH!
BB: ZEHAHAHAHAHAHA!
JOZU: Ace, stop acting like you know what he's saying!
ACE: I'm not acting, it's true! [Pout]
WB: (Mildly impressed) Really, son? How'd you manage that?
ACE: I can understand pretty much anything after communicating with Luffy, Marco, and Smoker on a daily basis.
JOZU: Wait, why Smoker?
ACE: He normally doesn't talk – he just sort of grunts all the time. Er, except when he's on medication. Then he speaks in lots of random languages, and then I really have no idea what he's saying… [Shudders at the bad memory]
JOZU: True. But I still don't believe you understand Blackbeard.
WB: Same here, son.
MARCO: Ace will just prove himself, right?
BB: Ah lahk mah shooz, mah shooz ahr kewl, ahnd kewl ahz gahd, and gahd iz gahd.
MARCO: Um, what did he just say?
ACE: "I like my shoes, my shoes are cool, and cool is good, and good is good."
JOZU: Man, there's no way he said that. [Scoff]
WB: Agreed.
MARCO: Yeah…
ACE: [Glares at BB] You did that on purpose…
BB: ZEHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
ACE: (Irritated) Would you stop that!
MARCO: Well, Ace, try one more time!
BB: Wszystkiego najlepszego z okazji urodzin.
MARCO: Ace?
ACE: "Wszystkiego najlepszego z okazji urodzin."
JOZU: Dude, you're not supposed repeat him!
ACE: But that's what he said!
JOZU: Well duh, because you just repeated him!
ACE: No, I mean it's in another language!
WB: But what does it mean, son?
ACE: I have no clue, but it sounds vaguely sinister.
MARCO: Maybe it means happy birthday!
ACE: Pfft, no way man.
[MARCO cries]
WB: [Whacks table] Order! Order in the court!
JOZU: [Snicker] Hamburger, please!
BB: Ah'd lahk sum DAHKNESS, ZEHAHAHAHAHAHA!
ACE: You can't eat that!
MARCO: I want Ace!
ACE: You can't eat me either!
MARCO: I beg to differ –
ACE: DO NOT WANT!
WB: I said order!
ACE: Ooh ooh my turn um um a cheeseburger, a hamburger, a double cheeseburger, a fishy burger, a veggie burger, a chicken burger, er I changed my mind about the veggie burger so replace it with a meat burger, and another cheese –
[WB throws a pencil at ACE]
ACE: Sorry pops, I was hungry.
WB: [Sigh] Well, even though the court acquitted Blackbeard, I'm still going to have to punish him somehow. We've been getting bad publicity.
BB: Dayum.
MARCO: Oh, I understood that one!
WB: Shut up, idiot. Um, son.
[MARCO cries. Again.]
WB: Blackbeard, you're fired.
ACE: Fire? [Looks around curiously]
BB: Pahrohmahneeyahk.
ACE: Unemployed!
BB: Yew mahy hahv tha lahzt lahf nao, baht soown ahll af yew wahll sahffur mah rahwth! ZEHAHAHAHAHAHA!
WB: Oh get out already.
BB: AH'LL BEH BACH, ZEHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! [Exits]
[Silence]
JOZU: What did he say? [Twirls spatula]
[Inside SMOKER'S BEDROOM. SMOKER enters.]
SMOKER: …
ACE: [Snore]
SMOKER: [Kicks ACE off his bed] What the #$% are you doing in here?
ACE: Oww… [Blinks sleepily] Oh, hi Smoker!
SMOKER: [Picks up the bowling ball that GARP threw into his wall last week] (Angry) GET OUT!
ACE: [Screams in terror and hides under the bed]
SMOKER: [Feels mildly guilty] (Grumble) Okay, what do you want?
ACE: (Muffled) I was scared.
SMOKER: And you're here as opposed to somewhere else because…?
ACE: Your bed is comfy!
[SMOKER rolls the bowling ball under the bed. ACE shrieks in fear, followed by a yelp of pain.]
SMOKER: Okay, get out now!
[Bowling ball rams into SMOKER's feet]
SMOKER: OW! [Glare Glare Glare] GET OUT OF THERE!
ACE: I don't want to!
SMOKER: [Flops onto the bed]
ACE: Ouch!
SMOKER: [Bounces on the bed] (Feigned innocence) Sorry, what did you say?
ACE: [Crawls out from under the bed and flops onto the edge of it] (Mumble) Jerk.
SMOKER: … uh, did I do that to your nose?
ACE: (Annoyed) Yeah. You and the bowling ball.
SMOKER: Sorry. Sort of. [Stops bouncing around] What're you scared of?
ACE: Aside from bowling balls and Garp… I've been a bit worried about Blackbeard lately… [Sigh]
SMOKER: Acquitted, right?
ACE: (Gloomy) Yeah… [Pause] How'd you know?
SMOKER: Uh… the… uh… Justice Newspaper.
ACE: Whoa! Awesome! (Excited) Can I read it?
SMOKER: No, only rich people, vigilantes, or rich vigilantes can read it.
ACE: Darn.
SMOKER: Anyways, there's nothing to worry about. [Pause] Probably.
ACE: I dunno… Blackbeard is pretty weird… he might do something… (Mumble) And he did say that he'd be back…
SMOKER: [Blink] What was that last part?
ACE: Nothing…
SMOKER: Never mind then. [Sigh] Well, everything will be fine. [Pause] Probably.
ACE: But Whitebeard fired him, and he doesn't seem to like me very much.
SMOKER: The former is expected, and the latter is universal.
ACE: Hey! [Wibble]
SMOKER: Whatever. Let's get your nose fixed now. So you'll stop dripping blood all over my bed.
ACE: Oh. Okay.
[In WAREHOUSE. Dim lighting. GOLDFISH floating imperiously within his Fishbowl of Evil. MOP enters and bows respectfully.]
GOLDFISH: Have you found anything useful, my loyal servant?
MOP: Perhaps, master. [Presents GOLDFISH with BATMAN's mask]
GOLDFISH: This… this is…! [Laughs so evilly that the earth trembles in fear]
MOP: Master?
GOLDFISH: You have done well.
MOP: Thank you, master.
[PIGEON enters and bows respectfully]
GOLDFISH: Ah, Hattori. I have a job for you.
PIGEON: Yes, master.
[GOLDFISH hands PIGEON an envelope. PIGEON opens it and reads the instructions inside]
GOLDFISH: Do not fail me.
PIGEON: It will be done, and it will be done well. [Bow]
GOLDFISH: And now… we begin!