A/N: just so we're clear, this chapter is based in a strip club…
"Cover your eyes! You're a married woman for fuck's sake!"
Jayne felt rather than saw her mother's hands come down over her face, blocking her sight from the rather attractive stripper.
"Morag Sarah MacDougal!"
Jayne giggled as Ari's anger was then focused on Morag.
"How dare you hire a muggle stripper!"
Despite not being able to see everything- or anything for that matter, Jayne could hear her mother-in-law snickering.
"Ari," Andromeda laughed, "don't forget what you did on your hen's night."
Acacia snorted and Alice giggled.
"That," Ari said indignantly, "was completely different."
"Oh yeah?" Electra asked, "how?"
"Well, one," here, Ari held up a finger, "it was a different time, two," another finger rose to join the first, "I wasn't already married and three," her finger carrying her own wedding ring came to attention, "three," she faltered.
"There is no three is there?" Electra guessed with a laugh.
Ari still held three fingers in the air, "three…" she trailed off.
Acacia snorted with laughter and glanced at Alice and Andromeda who both winked.
"Three…" Alice giggled.
"They weren't strippers, Andromeda stated before falling into a similar fit of giggles with her friend.
"They were hookers!" Acacia half roared, half slurred.
Jayne wrenched free of her mother's grip and stared at her in horror.
"What happened?" she gasped.
"Nothing," Ari replied but she really couldn't pull off the innocent face.
Acacia snorted again over her cocktail. "The night before your mum married your dad, she got SO pissed. It took five sober up potions in the morning and then we still had to postpone the wedding by a day."
Alice smirked at Ari, "she couldn't sit up straight, let alone walk down an aisle.
"Poor John," Andromeda grinned, "nice bloke he was. He was so worried it was cold feet, he was terrified that she was going to leave him."
Acacia blinked. "As if that was EVER going to happen. He was relieved in the end though, to know that it was just the mother of all hangovers."
Tonks looked at her mother and her friends before shaking her head.
"And then," Acacia continued, "just after the honeymoon, we all discovered she was three months pregnant with you."
"So that explains why Jayne is the way she is!" Morag laughed before being elbowed sharply in the ribs.
"Nah, Jayne here was fucked anyway." Alice laughed.
"I'll have you know that John and I enjoyed five years of marriage before we sealed my fate as a single mother." Ari interrupted.
"With a mother like Ari?" Andromeda continued as if Ari had never spoken, "she had no hope," she elbowed Ari who was staring, transfixed at the stripper who was now taking off his fireman's helmet.
"Look who's talking now Mrs Snape!" Tonks grinned not unlike her mother, "what's the dear old Professor going to say when he hears you had eyes for the stripper?"
"He'll laugh," she murmured softly, going slightly pale, "especially when he hears that it was her uncle."
"WHAT!?" Jayne and Morag cried simultaneously.
By luck, this was when the stripper actually noticed them.
"Ari? Is that you?"
"I wish it wasn't," she muttered darkly.
"My God, how are you? How's the kid? What brings you here?" he asked all three questions in one breath.
"You remember Jayne?"
He blinked and looked at her blankly, "who?"
"Known on all official documents as Neilson Prescott-Kitteridge. Jayne, meet your Uncle Mark."
Jayne waved shyly whilst still trying to keep her dinner down.
"Oh God," he said.
"Oh my God!" Morag gushed, "Jayne, you never said your uncle was so hot!"
Jayne glared at her friend.
"Never, ever say that again."
"Was your dad that hot?"
Jayne screamed, "MORAG!"
"All I'm saying, is your family is hot."
Su nodded in agreement.
Jayne went a violent shade of green and raced for the loos.
"LIGHTWEIGHT!" everyone called after her.
She returned and Ari rubbed her back soothingly.
"We'll work on your alcohol consumption my dear."
"Yeah," Alice agreed, "we'll make a drinker out of you yet."
Andromeda smiled kindly, "there's plenty of time for that."
"When we're done with you," Acacia slurred, "you'll be able to drink that husband of yours under the table."
"I don't know about that," Electra said, "he can definitely drink."
"Still a lightweight," Morag muttered loudly.
"Yeah well Morag, when you get married, I'll hire one of your uncles to strip for you, and then we'll see how long you last!" Jayne challenged.
"If any of my uncles were as hot as yours I could live with having six-toed webbed children with three eyes and tails."
"Oh no!" Tonks muttered.
"NO!" Andromeda cried in despair.
"Ew! Morag!" Jayne almost screamed.
"That's just… gross," Su whispered.
"Wrong," Alice shuddered.
"Way wrong," Acacia concurred.
"That is wrong on 394 different levels!" Ari scoffed.
The students stopped and stared at her.
"Never," they started together, "say that again. Ever."
Morag continued, "I had the hots for your husband until you said that."
Everyone laughed as Ari glared at Morag.
Three hours later, the group of women trooped up to the castle. (When I say 'trooped' I actually mean staggered. They were all pissed as fuck.)
The students separated from the adults and stumbled into the Ravenclaw common room, supporting each other. They giggled as they watched the boys tumble out of the fireplace, each of them as pissed as they were. With of course, the exception of Trip who waltzed through and brushed imaginary soot from his shoulder.
Michael Corner produced two bottles of whiskey and Su produced a bottle of gin whilst Mandy pulled a bottle of scotch from her handbag.
"Anyone fancy a drink?" Michael asked with a hiccup.
Trip snatched the gin from Su's hands and replaced it with a bottle of vodka.
Jayne blinked and stared at her husband, "where's my vodka then?"
Trip unscrewed the bottle of gin and took a swig, pulling Jayne to his side. He leant down and whispered something in her ear that made her giggle and blush. Grabbing her husband's hand, she grinned and lead him to their private room.
A/N. now, most of this is pure Jayne… the mention of Ari's own hen night, the accusation of drinking whilst pregnant, the post piss-up piss-up… Jayne…Morag saying something about webbed, tailed, three eyed children… and the fact that the stripper was Jayne's uncle… that's Trip. Just so as we're clear on that. (He was the one responsible for the Carrows chapter and the twins chapter in RCOSS so I fear it could be an ongoing theme)