A/N: we were drunk… AND BEHOLD!

Chapter Four: Venison Anyone?

Trip stormed into the Gryffindor common room, 'right, what's wrong?'

'Harry wants to come,' Remus answered.

'No,' Trip said sternly to the scar-headed boy-wonder, 'and your boyfriend can't come either.'

'Why not?'

'Because I plain just don't like you,' Trip sneered bluntly, 'oi, Neville, you coming or what?'

'Yeah, why not?' Neville grinned, 'leaving from Ravenclaw?'

'Nah, Remus' office,' was the reply.

'Sweet,' Neville said as he exited through the portrait hole.

'So Neville gets to go and I don't?' Harry asked incredulously.

'Y'see, the thing is Mate, I like Neville, I don't like you, so sorry, but fuck off.'

'But Remus is going!' Harry pouted.

'That's Professor Lupin,' Remus piped up in the background.

'Yes but he is married to the woman who is practically my sister-in-law.'

'Tonks is Kitteridge's sister?'

'One, that's Jarvis and two, it's metaphorically speaking you moron,' Trip remarked sarcastically.

'But I'm the Boy-Who-Lived!' Harry exclaimed.

'Well,' Trip started, 'I don't give a shit.'

With that, Trip and Remus turned and left the Gryffindor common room and headed for Remus' office.

Two hours later, Trip sat in his living room, stone cold sober. Michael, Paul, Terry, Anthony, Kevin, Neville, Professors Lupin and Snape and Ted Tonks were all passed out on the floor, their wallets empty. Trip sat comfortably in an armchair, counting money and flicking through infomercials. There was a knock on the door and a woman was shown into the room.

'Raving party this is,' the woman commented.

'And you are?'

'The name's Sindy, with an 'S' I'm a stripper,'

'Hmm, name sounds sexy, who hired a stripper?'

'Some guy named Terry?'

'NO!' Trip yelled in disbelief, 'Michael yeah but Terry? Never!'

'The check was signed by Terence Josiah Boot.'

'You're shitting me.'

'No,' the stripper replied, 'so who's the groom?'

'That would be me.'

'Right, you're the groom and you're not drunk?'

'Due to a constant state of intoxication for an entire year two years ago, I have since been incapable of getting drunk,' Trip explained simply.

'Impressive,' Sindy said, 'so, a lap-dance?'

'I don't know. Whatever really,' Trip stated, 'I'd rather just sit here and talk, I am, after all, already married.'

'Already? But this is a stag do?'

'Yes, but we didn't do that shit before hand, no time, the Mrs is out at a strip-club now with the girls and my mother.'

'Your mother's at a strip-club? How old is she?' Sindy asked, sitting down.

'Officially- according to her, she's forty-five, really she's more like fifty-something,' Trip snickered.

Sindy giggled, 'so, what do you want to talk about?'

'How about the meaning of life?'

A further three hours later Sindy was still sitting with Trip whilst the others "slept" on.

She stared at him in awe, 'so that's the meaning of life?'

'Essentially, yes,' Trip answered from over his glass of brandy.

Sindy put her glass down, 'listen, I'm sorry, Trip, but your friend only paid for three hours, I should be going.'

'I understand,' Trip smiled, 'have a good night, and really, if you want to get into Oxford, my mother-in-law, she's got some great connections, just give us a call.'

She grinned and was escorted out.

Michael and Neville started to come to.

'Holy shit, what the fuck happened?' Michael asked Trip who was walking around kicking the rest of his guests.

'Well, first you had your filthy way with every single one of them, starting with Neville, then Severus, and ending with Terry. Then you managed to knock yourself out. Rather impressive really. The others all conked out as well, and I'm now onto my seventy-third glass of gin and that's not counting the twenty-four glasses of brandy.'

'I had sex with everyone?' Michael asked, excited.

'I had sex?' Terry asked, worried.

'No,' Trip replied, laughing, 'you just passed out, fucking lightweights.'

Severus groaned as he received a rather painful kick to the face.

'Wake up Daddy!' Trip ordered, 'get off my living room floor!'

They all moaned as they staggered towards the fireplace, Terry taking his time.
'Shift it Virgin-Boy!' Trip yelled as he grabbed a couple of bottles on his way.

Trip walked gracefully into the fireplace and was immediately transported to the Ravenclaw common room. He glanced around in surprise to see the girls had seemingly just arrived back from their night out.

Trip watched as Michael pulled out two bottles of whiskey and Su produce a bottle of gin as Mandy lugged a bottle of scotch out of her handbag.

'Anyone fancy a drink?' Michael asked with a hiccup.

Trip wondered where Michael found the booze and where he had been hiding it, he knew Michael didn't have a bag. He snatched the gin out of Su's hand and gave her in return a bottle of vodka.

Jayne blinked, 'where's my vodka then?' she asked, batting her eyelashes at her husband.

Trip uncapped the gin and took a swig before leaning down to her ear as he pulled her against his side.

'You, me, handcuffs and a garden hose, any questions?' he whispered with a smirk.

Jayne giggled (seriously) and really (actually) blushed. She grabbed his hand and with a grin, led him to their private room.

The next morning Trip stormed into the Great Hall followed by a dishevelled and hardly able to walk (but very satisfied) Jayne.

'Terrence Josiah Boot!'

Those who had been present at either parties the previous night cringed in a hungover state.

'How dare you hire a stripper!?'

Several gasps could be heard around the room.

'I'm in looooooooove with a stripper!' Ron crooned.

'Somnna!' Trip cried, his wand pointing at the now sleeping Gryffindor.

'I didn't hire a stripper,' Terry squeaked.

'I missed a stripper?' Severus and Remus muttered in unison, disappointed.

Nymphadora and Ariadne smacked their husbands up the back of their heads and into their breakfasts in response.

'What was her name?' Jayne asked with a smirk.

'Sindy, with an "S", I know,' Trip grinned.

'Sounds sexy.'

'That's what I said,' Trip rounded on Michael, 'Michael Gabriel Corner!'

'Gabriel?' several people muttered.

'How dare you forge Terry's signature to hire a stripper!'

'Which time are you referring to?'

'Before it was just last night but now, all of them!' Trip screamed, 'who taught you that?'

'Your mother,' Michael said, returning to his breakfast, wholly disinterested.

'What?' Electra called from the staff table between Severus and Remus who were both still wiping porridge from their faces, 'he was good at it, really.'

'Oh, well as long as he's good at it, it's okay,' Trip grinned as he sat down to breakfast with his wife.

Terry launched himself across the table to tackle Michael.