A/N: Standard disclaimer applies- neither mamabear(mischief-maker1) nor jazzymama (fiberkitty) owns Twilight or its too sexy for our own good characters. We do own some particularly naughty dreams about them. Lucky for you that we write them down.

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Edward POV

I stared at the closed curtains. Could I get out of bed today? I felt bad for my wife. Bella was such an angel but I just…I couldn't get past what I had done. Sure, they told me it was an accident. Accidents happen. But not to this degree. I was supposed to save people, not kill them.

I had realized my mistake almost immediately, but it was too late. Something as tiny as a missed vein…blood had seeped into the poor person's body and he had bled internally. I killed a man. He bled to death. Because of me.

I let out a sigh and turned over, this time putting my head into my pillow. If I just pressed myself hard enough into it, would Bella forgive me for killing myself? Would that atone for my sins? I stopped breathing for a moment before I blew out a great gust of breath and flipped back over onto my back.

I stared at the clock. Only a minute had passed. I was in hell. Rather appropriate. I did deserve to be here. I just hated that I was dragging my angel down with me. Perhaps I should just leave. Leave and spare her, my father, my mother, my brother, everyone the horror of having me as a husband, son, brother, friend, co-worker.

I sighed again and turned onto my side, burrowing into the down comforter. Maybe if I just close my eyes I'll be able to forget about it…

And then I was back in the O.R. again. "Dr. Cullen?"

"Yes Lauren. It's fine. All the margins are clear and he's ready for us to stitch him up."

"Excellent surgery doctor…" She gushed. I somehow managed not to roll my eyes. She had been after me from day one and thankfully I was happily married to the love of my life.

I closed up Mr. Burns and then went out to clean up. Bella and I had a date tonight and I was looking forward to it. She had been hinting around to babies, and, well, I wasn't sure I was ready, but I was willing to talk about practicing for one. What could I say? I was a Cullen. We ooze sex drive. My brother had every piece of ass he could find until his not-so-blushing bride straightened his ass out and easily pussy-whipped him. And then my father had been the same until our innocent mother came into his E.R. with a broken leg. That was all it took.

And me? I picked Bella up from the parking lot just in time to avoid her being run over by a van. She had come in to interview for a job as my father's secretary and almost lost her life. That was it for me. One look into her big brown eyes and I was lost. We Cullen men fall in love forever.

So I wasn't one bit worried about Lauren and her little whore brigade of nurses. Not all nurses were like that though. Angela and Jamie, both whom worked with me regularly weren't like that. They were like me, fiercely in love with their spouses.

"How did it go in there?" Angela asked me. She'd had to scrub in with my father for one of his surgeries. Just because he was the chief of staff didn't mean he didn't like getting his hands dirty from time to time.

"Good."

She smiled, relieved. She had a good personality. And if I was correct, Mr. Burns was a friend or neighbor? I couldn't remember. "His wife is waiting for you." She told me.

I nodded and went to report the news of a good surgery and a now-healthy intestine to his wife. After that, I went and showered, washing off the antiseptic smell that tended to make Bella, even though she worked in my father's office, and no stranger to the E.R. herself with her clumsiness, nauseous.

We met at the Japanese steakhouse before going home and making love. It was three AM when I received the urgent call about Mr. Burns. I all but flew to the hospital, but he was pronounced dead before I could arrive. An autopsy was performed. It was reveled I was the cause of his death. It was ruled an accident, but still…it hadn't looked too good for the hospital for the chief of staff's son to kill a man.

Which is how I ended up here, three weeks later, staring, once more, at the crack in the ceiling. Huh, I really should fix that. There were a million and one minor imperfections with this room, not that I would tell Bella that, of course. She loved this quaint little house she had talked me into buying.

It had needed work, and she had been all too eager to talk Emmett, Carlisle and myself, along with some of her childhood friends into fixing the place up. All it took was bribing us with her special chicken casserole and we probably would have barked like dogs for her.

The thought of Bella made me smile, but only briefly before Mrs. Burn's face swam into my view. The hurt, the anger, the sting of her hand snapping across my face as she held her children close to her, screaming, crying out to God as to why her husband was taken from her at the tender age of forty seven. I couldn't answer that question. I was the cause. I was why he was taken away from her. And I couldn't take it back.

I started sobbing then, curling up on myself as my body heaved. I couldn't take it back, I wanted to, but I couldn't. It was me! I wanted to scream it out so everyone in Seattle knew it was me that killed that man. I deserved to be stoned, hung in the court square, anything to just kill me and make it right in the universe.

But, no one did anything. Life went on. Mrs. Burns buried her husband. Carlisle told me to take a sabbatical, and Bella? My dear, sweet, wonderful Bella was just trying to help me as best she could. She really shouldn't. I am nothing but a shell of a man. I am just a shadow of what I once was. I am a ghost in this house.

The morning wore on and promptly at noon, when it was acceptable, I made my way downstairs to the liquor cabinet. I was, after all, raised by Esme Cullen. It was improper to drink before noon unless you were sipping Mimosa's on an ocean-front terrace somewhere. Those were the rules.

I picked up a bottle of scotch and poured myself three fingers, downing it quickly, before making my way to the refrigerator. Once there, I saw a container with a note on it in Bella's sloppy scrawl; Edward, here is some left-over stir-fry from two nights ago. Just microwave it and enjoy! Love you! Bella

The woman is a saint. She is far too good for me. Perhaps I should leave her now, just…drift away so she could find love elsewhere. I knew of her high-school crushes, knew they lived in the area, perhaps I should leave and let her life continue on as it could have been had I not existed.

My stomach rumbled, and though I didn't wish to eat, I knew my body was telling me otherwise. I put the food into the microwave and grabbed a beer. I stood at the counter and downed both before going back to the liquor cabinet, this time grabbing some tequila. I took two shots of that and poured myself some brandy before returning back to the bed where I lay down and fell into a fitful sleep.

"Edward? Edward!" I heard. I glanced over at the clock, six fifteen, Bella was home.

"Up here!" I said gruffly, sleep and alcohol thick in my voice.

She stopped at the doorway. She was in a beautiful skirt and the sweater I'd bought her last Christmas over a tank top. She let out a sigh. "Did you eat?"

I blinked as she turned on the light. "Yeah, uh…a few hours ago."

"And how much did you drink?"

"A little." I admitted.

She sighed again. "Edward…you're spiraling out of control. You need to get some help."

"I don't need any help." I stated defiantly.

She let out a little snort that would usually have me laughing. But instead, it only furthered to piss me off. "I don't need any goddamn help Bella! I killed a man! I'm dealing with it! Leave me alone about it!"

"No." She stated flatly. "Edward, I love you. It. Was. An. Accident. It could have happened to any number of surgeons."

"But it didn't Bella! It happened to me!" I screamed at her.

"And I hate it for you!" She screamed back. She closed her eyes and I saw a tear leak out of one of them. "I hate it Edward. So much. But he is dead and gone and buried and you are alive. Alive to learn from this. Alive to continue on working and saving more lives." Her voice dropped and she said, "Alive to love me."

Tears leaked from my eyes as well. "Bella, I love you more than my own life. You are the reason I'm still alive. I just…I have to work through this."

She came to me then, slipped off her shoes and crawled, fully dressed, under the covers with me. She kissed my neck and said, "I want to help you."

"How?" I asked. For so long I thought I couldn't get past this, but now, I realize, I'm hurting Bella as much as I'm hurting me. And while I know I deserve it, she certainly doesn't deserve any part of hell.

She tightened her grip around me as she said, "I was talking to Alice."

I nodded, remembering her friend in patient counseling. "Wait. You want me to talk to Alice?"

She shook her head. "No, um, she suggested you talk to her ex, Jasper Whitlock. He's a psychologist."

"I need a shrink? You think I need a fucking shrink?!" I asked.

She winced. "You aren't going to get better by yourself Edward. I spoke with him and he seems to think he could help and…"

"You talked to him about me?"

She seemed to shrink back onto herself. "Um…yes?" It came out sounding like a question.

"You had no RIGHT to do that Bella!"

"I can't just sit here and watch you wither away and die Edward!" She said as her sobs broke through. "You aren't the man I married! I want him back! Damn it! I want my Edward back!" She turned from me then and ran back out of the room and down the hallway. I heard her feet on the steps before the front door slammed.

I fell back onto the pillows again and cried as well. I just couldn't do anything right. I'm such a fuck up.

The boom of the front door bouncing open awoke me. I glanced at the clock, eleven PM. I heard heavy footfalls on the stairs and groaned.

Sure enough, my brother, larger-than-life came bounding into the room. "Get your no good, lazy, sorry ass up right this fucking minute Edward Anthony Cullen!"

I pulled my head from the blankets and said, "You sounded eerily like Mom for a minute there Em."

"I mean that shit Edward! Get your ass out of bed! You are nothing more than an ungrateful brat!"

I emerged from the blankets to stare at him. He was bigger than me, an ex linebacker for our football team in high-school, he was smarter than most gave him credit for. He had followed in our father's footsteps, taking over his plastic surgery practice when Carlisle decided to accept the job at the hospital as chief of staff.

"What Emmett?" I asked. "What the hell do you want me to do?"

"I want you to quit wallowing around and ruining your life! Because your wife is at our house pouring her eyes out to Rosalie and I am sick of hearing how fucked up you are!"

"Well I am!" I yelled as I stood. "I AM fucked up Emmett! I'm fucked up and no amount of you bitching at me is going to fix me!"

"Tough shit. Because that's exactly what I'm going to do." He said as he crossed his arms and plopped his big ass down into the chair Bella used to put on her pantyhose.

"What? You're going to watch me now?"

He nodded. "I already told my secretary to cancel my consults tomorrow and reschedule my morning surgeries. You and I have a nine o'clock with Doctor Whitlock and I'm not taking a fucking 'no' for an answer."

I glared at him, but then, remembered exactly why the other guys on the football team called him "steamroller" and sighed. "Fine."

"You mean it?" He asked. I suppose he thought it would be harder to get me to agree to it, but he was right. If I weren't going to die, and obviously, that wasn't an option, I had no choice but to go.

"Yes. Now, can I get some sleep?"

He nodded. "I'll be in the guest room."

"You're staying here? What? Are you afraid I'll sneak out in the night?"

He shook his head. "Bella's really torn up about this Edward. Rosalie told me our house was a 'cock free zone' until you could get some help."

I winced. "Sorry." I muttered. And really, I was.

He shook his head. "If it makes you well, I'd willingly give up her pussy for one night."

"That's…sweet Emmett." I offered.

He grinned. "Yup, 'cause that's just how I roll."

I laughed, and even to me, it felt foreign. "How did you ever make it as a serious surgeon Emmett?"

He shrugged. "I know how to be an arrogant ass when I need to be Edward. You don't call dibs on that family trait."

He had a point. We Cullen's knew we were good and didn't hesitate to let it be known. "Well…good night." I said.

He stood. "Good night." He walked to the door and turned to me. "Forget everyone else Edward, but for your wife, try with this thing tomorrow, okay?"

I swallowed hard, but nodded.

So, here I sit, my leg bouncing with nervous energy as I sit and wait for Dr. Whitlock. His secretary, Jessica, she said her name was, took my information before letting him know I was here. She then went back to filing her nails and snapping her gum, looking oddly like a cow chewing its cud.

Emmett, who, God love him, was sitting next to me, leaned over to me and whispered, "Moo." I looked at him for a moment before I burst out laughing.

Jessica's eyebrow went up, but she said, "Mr. Cullen, Dr. Whitlock will see you now."

I took a deep breath and nodded. I stood and without a backward glance at my brother, went to the door. I knocked three sharp raps before I stepped inside.

The room was small, but very comfortable. There were bookshelves lining one wall and a desk over by the window. A small door, which looked like it led to a bathroom, was situated on the wall next to a mini-bar. God, I could use a drink. Unfortunately, all I saw on it was a coffee pot and what looked like a bottle or two of water. Well shit.

"Edward," The man said, standing from the chair behind the desk. And that was when I got my first look at Dr. Whitlock.

He was around my age, perhaps a year older, dirty blond hair, a bit long, a bit curly, cornflower blue eyes, a guarded smile on his face. I stepped into the room further and said, "Dr. Whitlock."

His smile seemed a bit more genuine as he said, "Jasper, please. I like to be informal when we are alone. It's a bit more…comfortable. Like we are friends talking."

I nodded. He did seem to be friendly. "So…I've never done this before."

Jasper chuckled. "Well, have a seat and we'll just chat a bit."

"You don't want me to lie on the couch?" I asked.

"Not just yet. Perhaps with time you'll find yourself comfortable enough, but for this first visit, let's just get to know one another, shall we?"

I nodded again and sat on the edge of the couch, my leg resuming its twitching.

"You're nervous," He commented as he walked over to the coffee pot. "Coffee?"

"I think I've got enough caffeine in my system, thanks."

Jasper laughed. "You remind me of my friend Alice. She's hyper after caffeine as well."

Alice, his ex, I thought. He called her a friend. Well, perhaps one could be friends with their ex's. I knew I didn't get along with mine, but perhaps that was because she thought I would marry her. But how could you marry an ice queen?

"Bella mentioned that she and Alice knew each other. I've met her before. She seems nice."

He nodded and sighed. "Yes. She is. She's wonderful."

He's still in love with her, I thought, but kept my feelings to myself. After all, we were here to deal with my problems, not the other way around.

"So…" He said as he sat back down. "Would you like to tell me about it?"

I wasn't sure what it was about this man, but I felt like I could trust him, like he could almost understand what I was feeling. It was…unnerving, somewhat, but at the same time, liberating. So, I told him everything. I left no detail out. I told him how sorry I was, and how I hated that it happened, how I had often wished to kill myself, how I thought perhaps I should leave Bella, all of it.

When I finished my tale, Jasper nodded. "Edward, I truly believe I can help you. However, my methods are somewhat…unusual. And they aren't for the faint of heart. You must be committed. To yourself, to me, to your wife. You have to want to get better."

Do I? Do I want to get better? I pondered over that question. I had been a very happy person before all of this started. Not quite as foolhardy and juvenile as my brother, but happy, none the less. Yes, I wanted that back. I was tired of being this person, and a part of me was terrified I could never be what I once was again.

"Yes." I said finally. "Yes Jasper. I want that. I want to be happy again. I want to overcome this. I want to see what everyone else sees and I want to stop blaming myself."

Jasper nodded. "Good Edward. Really good. That is the first step." He stood. "Time is almost up. I think we will need to meet a few times a week to establish a pattern and work out some rewards for good behavior."

"Good behavior?" I asked.

"Yes. You will be doing exercises, so to speak, and for completing them and doing them correctly, you will be rewarded."

"Like a dog?" I asked.

He chuckled. "You're not far off from the mark. So…for our next session, I would like to meet somewhere a bit more private. At my house or yours perhaps? You might be more comfortable at your own home."

I blinked. House calls? "Uh, um…sure. Would…do you want Bella there?"

He nodded. "Most definitely. She will be key to your success as well. She is, after all, your wife. She loves you very much." He put his hand to his chin. "Do you love her that much as well?"

"I would give my life for her if I could." I responded.

He inclined his head. "Good. It is important in these exercises that the couple is bonded to each other as fully as can be." He stepped over to his desk. "I can meet with you again on Tuesday evening, say around…seven thirty? Will that give you enough time for a light dinner and give Bella time to get home?"

"Yes, that should be fine." I said, wondering just what 'exercises' would be involved in my treatment.

"Great. Well, I look forward to helping you Edward." He said as he held out his hand.

I clasped it tightly in mine and was surprised to find an almost electric current run through me, a rippling. Of what, I wasn't sure, but it was something. Jasper smiled at me and I found myself smiling back at him. "Until then good doctor." I gently teased.

He laughed. "Yes, I think you and I will get along very well Edward."

I stepped outside and Emmett jumped up. "Well?"

"I have another meeting with him in a few days. He thinks twice a week for a while."

Emmett clasped me hard on the back. "Good! I'm so proud of you Edward!"

I rolled my eyes. "I am not a dog Emmett. You can't just pat me on the head and give me a bone."

He laughed. "No, but I can give you a boner."

"What the hell are you talking about now?" I asked.

"How about the fact that Bella is waiting for you at home? Dad told her to take the day off."

"He knows." I stated flatly.

"Edward, Bella and I aren't the only ones worried about you, you know."

I hung my head. I had hurt everyone that loved me, had hurt everyone that I loved. "Yeah, I know Em. Thanks."

He grinned again as we stepped out into the sunshine. "My pleasure. Now, come on. Let's drop you off at your house. Maybe both of us can get un-cock-blocked today."

I stopped short. I hadn't been intimate with Bella since that day Mr. Burns died.

"What?" Emmett asked a few paces in front of me.

"I…Bella and I haven't…"

Emmett's grin returned and he said, "In that case, let the Luv Doctor help you out my man! You need flowers and that shit, make it up to her."

I nodded. It was a sad day when Emmett was giving me tips on romance. We stopped off at the florist, and I bought a spray of flowers and also picked up some of Bella's favorite truffles, just to be on the safe side. I contemplated going to the jewelry store, but I just wanted to be home with my wife. I had Emmett drop me off and I took a deep breath as I stepped inside.

"Bella? Love?" I called from the entranceway.

"In here," She said from the living room. The stereo was on, playing a soothing jazz number.

"Bella?" I asked as I stepped into her line of vision.

She looked up at me, tears running down her face. "Edward!" She jumped up and I just managed to catch her as she ran at me.

I rained down kisses upon her face. "I'm so sorry," I whispered into her hair, my own tears drenching the mahogany locks. "Can you forgive me for being a total and utter ass?"

She pulled away from me. "No Edward."

My heart plummeted. "Y-you can't?" I asked.

She smiled slightly. "Not until you make love to me."

"I can do that," I whispered against the skin of her forehead. "I can do that. I love you."

She sighed. "I love you too." She pulled me forward then, up the stairs and to our bedroom. She had changed the sheets and opened the blinds. It didn't look the same as it did when it was my cave I was hiding in.

She moved to the bed and slid the sweatshirt from her body, revealing only a tank underneath, no bra. Her jeans slid down her legs, and then she was clad only in a pair of pink cheekies.

I smiled. "You are the most glorious creature I've ever seen."

She bit her lip and started unbuttoning my shirt. "And you, my love, are the most devilishly handsome man I've ever met."

My eyebrow rose. "Really? And not even Dr. Whitlock compares?"

She smiled. "Apples to oranges sweetie. There is only one Edward Cullen. And he's all mine." Her hands ghosted over the skin of my stomach before they began unbuttoning my jeans. Once they, along with my boxers were pooled on the floor, she took me in her hand.

I let out a gasp and my hips bucked. "Make love to me Edward." She commanded softly.

"Yes ma'am." I said as I gave her a little push and we both fell to the bed. I kissed her mouth, stroking it with my tongue as my fingers brushed the lace and satin from her body.

Once the final barrier was removed, I ran my index finger over her slit. She was dripping with want. "Yes…" She moaned as I dipped my finger into her.

"You like that?" I asked her softly. "Is that what you want?"

Her hips bucked into me, brushing my painfully hard erection. "No…" She whispered. "I don't want that."

"Then what do you want?" I asked her.

Her eyes opened and I sank into chocolate. "You. I want all of you Edward. I want you back with me again."

I swallowed back another tear and slipped into her. "Right here. I'm with you Bella. I swear…I'll find a way to stay with you."

Her hands gripped my biceps tightly. "Don't ever leave me. I need you."

We were both crying as my lips descended to hers again. "Never. I'll never leave you again. I swear it."

We climaxed together then, riding wave upon wave of pleasure as our love surrounded us. I knew I was a long way from being back to normal, but with Bella and now Jasper on my side, I knew I could make it through to the other side.