Disclaimer: We do NOT own Twilight. But we do enjoy fucking with Edward.

AN: Did you miss us? We missed you. Edward had a shitty day last week, didn't he? Here's his point of view on the breakdown.

Edward POV (Chapter 8)


The smell of the antiseptic burned my nose but I managed to make it over that particular hurdle. I scrubbed up and walked into the OR. The patient was already prepped and ready. We were doing a simple laparoscopic cholecystectomy. Not a problem. I had done this countless it seemed under the watchful eye of my attending and I had been doing them on my own for some time now.

I glanced at Angela and Jamie, both who insisted on being with me through this. They were great nurses. I was very lucky to have them watching my back while not wishing to grope my ass. The thought made me smile. I knew Jamie had her eye on my brother, even though both were married, but I kept that little tidbit of information to myself. She was married, but that didn't mean she couldn't look. She tried to be covert about it, but I had seen the way her eyes lit up when Emmett would come over to the hospital to see me or our father.

"Dr. Cullen." Angela said to me.

I smiled. "Angela." She helped me into my gown and gloves and I stepped up to the plate. Figuratively and literally. Okay Cullen. You can do this. I took a deep breath and swallowed. "Okay everyone, let's get to it."

Everything started off fine. I made the three small incisions before inserting the laparoscopy probes. I watched the ultrasound to insure I had the probes in proper position. I looked over to see the patient's blood pressure and heart rate were doing fine as well and I let out a breath. Good. I can do this.

I said, "Preparing for excision," as I maneuvered the correct probe in place and that was when everything started happening at once. I felt my head go light and saw nothing but red. The patient was bleeding out.

"No!" I said. "No! Nurse! I need suction!"

"Dr. Cullen…"

"Damn it Jamie! Give me the fucking suction!" I snarled.

"Edward," She said softly. "The patient isn't bleeding."

"Yes, God, he's bleeding out!

"No. He's not. Look at him."

I looked, but all I could see was blood. It was dripping and oozing out of the three small incisions, dropping into a puddle on the floor, on my shoes. And in that instant, I knew, I couldn't do it.

"I'm sorry," I muttered before running out into the scrub room. I sank to the floor and began sobbing.

Angela followed me out. "Edward. What do you need?"

"Jasper. I need Dr. Whitlock." I rattled off his pager number. "Please Angela. I need him now. Put in 911. He'll come."

She nodded and dashed over to the phone mounted on the wall and I could hear her dialing but I was zoning out. I felt my heart rate spike and my blood pressure drop and the fogginess increased ten-fold. I put my head against the wall and tried to slow my breathing.

I heard the door open and turned to the sound. Jasper. My savior. If anyone could help me through this, it will be him. I know it. "I couldn't do it..." I whispered. "I cracked under pressure. I made the incisions. I even got all the instruments in place. But when it came time to cut free the gallbladder, I couldn't do it. I couldn't see anything but blood. It was pouring out of the cuts I'd made, welling up like from a fountain. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath but it was still there behind my eyes. I had to bow out and come here to breathe."

I saw him look into the room through the large glass window. "Edward, come here. Look through the glass, what do you see?"

"Blood." I answered. I didn't need to look through the glass to see it, it was all I could see.

He let out a sharp breath. "Edward, come here." He said, a bit more stiffly. I sighed and got up then walked over to him. "Good. Now look through the glass."

I couldn't. How could he ask me to? I tilted my head up to the glass but my eyes stayed shut. I couldn't open them if I tried. "There's just blood everywhere. Blood and beeping. It won't stop. All I can see is blood and all I hear is the incessant beeping of the monitors. I want it all to go away." Please make it go away Jasper. I felt my control on my sanity slipping.

It was then I felt his strong hands rubbing my back. It started out at my neck as almost a half massage before he stroked my back softly. He then started using a slight pressure to turn me. His hands moved to my temples, his fingers rubbing soothing circles.

"It's okay, Edward. It will all be okay. I can assure you that there isn't blood everywhere. There's just the small amount right at the incisions and on the gloves. Why don't you open your eyes and take a look. For me?"

No! I can't do that! I brought my hand up and squeezed the bridge of my nose. You can do this Edward. Jasper won't let anything hurt you. He's your, not friend, but confidant. I lowered my arm and opened my eyes. Cornflower blue orbs penetrated me. He put his hand on my shoulder and gave it a squeeze. I took a breath and looked in the room.

"The patient's still breathing." I said.

"Yes."

"I didn't kill him."

"No you didn't. You were doing a fine job Edward."

I was doing it? I hadn't killed him? I sank to the floor. I still didn't believe it. The blood, it was all I could see, the heart monitor going out of control, it was all I could hear. "The beeping won't stop though. I can hear the zap of the paddles but nothing is working. I can hear the alarm going off as he flat lines. It won't stop. Make it stop, please make it stop. Jasper, please."

He knelt beside me, taking my hands in his own. "I know of a place that can make it stop. Do you feel like a short run? I'll try and let you win this time."

I looked up at him almost blankly now. Anything. I would do anything at this point not to go insane. He helped me up and kept my wrist loosely in his as he pulled me through the doors.

He took me up the back stairs, I'm assuming so we wouldn't run into any patients and fewer staff. I kept up with him, my body on autopilot as we ran through the halls. He slowed us to a fast walk as we approached an area I hadn't been in a lot. The paint went from tan and cream to a soft blue with darker indigo carpet. He stopped us in front of a small glass door and waved to the woman inside. She pressed the button beside her on the table and the doors swung open.

Where are we? My brain wouldn't function well enough to know where we were at this point.

"Jan, I have a patient who needs the tank." Jasper said. "Can you squeeze us in?"

She looked at us both and then closed the door. "Sure. You do have the paperwork filled out, yes?"

"No but I will. Dr. Cullen would not be pleased if I didn't keep his son's file up to date."

She looked at me pointedly at this point. "Oh, I didn't recognize you in your surgical scrubs. I assumed you were an inpatient. Sorry, Dr. Cullen."

Shut up and get us in the fucking door lady. I need…something. Now.

"Please Janelle, it's urgent."

"Fine, just follow me."

She led us to a small door at the back of the hallway and into a locker room. A locker room? What? At that point, nothing made sense. It was like the world had gone topsy-turvy. I suddenly felt like Alice in that movie Jasper made me watch. I put my hands back over my ears. Now that we had stopped moving, the beeping had started again. I scrunched my eyes shut. Red was starting to haze my vision once more.

"Thanks Janelle. I can take it from here. One hour, tops. I'll flip the interior switch if there's an emergency I can't handle." The woman left and Jasper walked over to where I was standing. "Edward, I need you to strip. We're going to get into some very warm salt water. It will ruin your clothes. There are some trunks on the wall for you to wear."

I couldn't answer him. I could barely hear him over the beeping. "Edward, can you hear me?"

I nodded slightly.

"I know you're still hearing the machines now but I need to get you undressed. I'm going to start untying the knots from your scrubs. If or when you feel ready to help, please do. If at any time you feel uncomfortable with me undressing you, just stop me. I can leave the room and wait for you. But I really want to get you into the tank as soon as possible. The silence will help."

I couldn't move. I couldn't do anything. It was all I could do to keep standing as his hands moved to the back of my neck. "Edward, I'm going to untie the knot at your neck. Just listen to my voice and focus on my hands."

His voice. Okay. I can do that. It really was a nice voice. Soft when he wanted it to be, but hard as steel sometimes too. And his hands. He wants me to focus on his hands. They are strong. I like it when he massages my neck and back. He's so much better at it than Bella is, not that I'd tell her.

He pulled loose the cords and then moved to the one in the middle of my back. "There's one more on your shirt and then I'm going to slip it forward over your arms. You'll need to let go of your ears, just for a moment."

I relaxed my arms long enough for him to shove my shirt down my arms and then he put my hands back to my ears. The beeping…if only it would stop. If only I could get past this. Help me!

He pulled down my surgical scrub bottoms, leaving me in my shirt and pants. He moved back to my front and began to undo the buttons on my shirt. "I'm taking off your shirt now. Are you doing okay, Edward?"

I nodded and let out a breath. I just want to be back to normal. Is that asking too much?

"I'm right here Edward, nothing is going to happen to you. Thank you for trusting me to do this." He grasped my hands and gingerly lowered them to my sides, pushing my shirt with them. "Do you still hear them?"

"Y... yes." I managed.

"Almost done and then I'll make it all go away. I'm going to undo your belt and pants. Kick off your shoes for me." I pushed the crocs from my feet and waited. I couldn't move, I couldn't do anything. All I felt was the horror. All I could see behind my eyelids was red. All I could hear was those damned machines. The beep-beep-beep accelerating until the steady whine of a flatline. No! I can't lose another patient!

I vaguely noticed my pants going off and another bit of fabric going back up my legs but I couldn't care. My world was spinning out of control. My hands were clenching and unclenching as I tried to calm myself, not that it was helping.

"Come." He softly beckoned. "It's safe in here. It's quiet. You'll want to open your eyes. Come take my hand."

I just barely opened my eyes to see Jasper waiting for me. Where were we? He held his hand and I clasped it tightly. I felt like I was getting ready to hyperventilate. He helped step down into…water? We must be in the sensory deprivation tank. Outside of seeing it during my tour of the hospital as an intern, I had never been here before.

"I'm going to pull the door shut. There is a pull cord by the door. It will turn on the light slowly, giving our eyes a chance to adjust. This orange glow will fade to complete black soon. Before that happens, I want you to finish going down the stairs or just sink down into the water. It's salinity will keep you afloat. I'm going to join you in the water but stay silent for a little while. You need to get your breathing under control and then we can start to talk through the day."

I let my body sink and I moved to float onto my back. The water was warm. Like a bath. I hadn't had a bath since I was a child. Well, with the exception of when Bella and I indulged. Never for myself. Yes, the water felt warm and wet. Like blood. Then all I could see was the blood of the man pumping out all over me.

No Edward. You have to calm down a little bit! Stop it! There is no blood here! I tried and finally felt my body relax just a bit as I remembered floating like this as a child. I had once fallen asleep in our swimming pool floating on my back, only waking when Emmett did a cannonball right on top of me. Luckily I knew how to swim, because it wasn't easy to get over a one-hundred pound nine year old landing on you.

"Edward, do you still hear the sounds?" He said softly.

I gave him a small laugh as I remembered the spanking Emmett had gotten for almost drowning me. Huh. The beeping did stop. "No. I tried shaking my head but all I did was get water in my ears."

"Is the darkness bothering you?"

I had always liked the dark. Most children liked a night-light when they slept, but I liked my room like a cave. Emmett was the same way. "No, I like it. It's so different from the bright lights of the OR. Thank you for knowing exactly what I needed." I knew he would know what I would need. He was a good doctor. And dare I say? A good friend as well.

"I thought this would help. Are your eyes open?"

Like hell they were. "It's pitch black, does it matter?"

"Would I have asked if it didn't? It matters because it proves that you aren't seeing illusionary blood where blood does not exist. Open your eyes Edward."

I let out a quiet sigh and opened my eyes.

"Are they open now?"

What difference does it make? "Yes but I don't see anything except blackness. There's nothing here."

"I'm here."

That much was evident. I could feel him, just out of reach. Now that the crisis was over somewhat, I was once more hyper-aware of him. I took in a breath before letting it out somewhat shakily. "I know. I can feel you just beyond my reach. It's like I know where you are without seeing or touching you. Maybe it's just being in the tank making me open up all my senses. I don't know. It's nice knowing you're in here with me. You calm me down better than anyone I've met, even Bella." Bella was wonderful at diffusing my anger, but she was my wife. She tended to…henpeck me until I told her what was bothering me. Jasper didn't bullshit and peck. He got right to the heart of the matter.

"I'm glad that I help you Edward. It makes me feel useful. Is there anything you want to talk about today, what set off the panic attack?"

"No. We already covered that in the scrub room. It just hit me, it was too much." I answered honestly.

"Do you want me to prescribe you a mild anti-anxiety medication? I would prefer to avoid it but if it would make you feel calmer when going into surgery, I would do so for you."

Damn it. I don't want to be drugged up! I felt my muscles tense up and I tried to concentrate on the sound of the water as I moved my body, relaxing it. "No. I think it will be better next time. Knowing this is here will help too. I'll know that there is a place to get away from all the electronics. Hopefully you won't have to undress me again. Sorry about that." Shit. And I hadn't worn underwear this morning. Damn Bella and her fine ass in that skirt. I'd had to have her before we left the house, sort of a "good luck" screw. Besides, she knows I can't resist that color blue against her skin and she had purposely worn that low-cut blue sweater and matching skirt without underwear. It had been only too easy to dip my tongue into her cleavage while I pulled her skirt up and fucked her on the entry table.

"No worries. I'm going to be quiet for a while and just let you think. I want you to focus on absorbing the quiet into you so that you have a place of quiet to retreat to. If the world becomes too loud, you'll have a silent refuge you can sink down into until the world is more easily dealt with."

We floated in silence for a long time. I let my mind wander. I thought about Bella and the sex we'd had this morning. Jasper still had her somewhat calling the shots and I had to admit, I enjoyed being Bella's toy. We had been having a lot of fun with that and with the copy of Kama Sutra she had brought home one day, blushing as she informed me which page she wanted to try. Apparently she and Rosalie had gone shopping at the toy shop. She had also gotten a new vibrator and I had to admit, I enjoyed using it on her. She had as well.

That had led me to wonder about Jasper. There were times where I almost wondered if he had been flirting with me. I don't know, maybe I was out of practice of being friends with another man. When you're friends with your brother, every other relationship is different I supposed. But I couldn't help but to wonder…"Are you gay?"

I heard him sputter. Oh my God, I can't believe I just asked him that.

I was preparing to apologize and beg him to forget I'd said anything when he said, "You've seen Alice."

Well brilliant, Edward. You idiot. Of course he's not gay. Bella said he and Alice had been real hot and heavy. "Oh, yeah. Sorry."

"Edward, I don't want you to ever be sorry for asking me a question when you are free to do so. I want to know your mind and that is the only way for me to learn how your mind works. Thank you for finding the courage to ask a question which some could find offensive." He paused. "You are definitely Emmett's brother with that lack of finesse, Dr. Cullen."

I couldn't help the laugh. "I guess he's rubbed off on me a bit."

I laughed again before the whole situation seemed to fall down on me once more. How had my life gotten so messed up? Am I destined to be this broken man for eternity? I hadn't realized I'd started sobbing until I began to sink. I flailed about until I heard his voice say, "Edward, I'm here. Tell me what's going through your head."

I let out another sob as I moved to a standing position, almost treading water. "I thought I was doing so well." I answered honestly. "You were making such a difference. And then today happened. I just don't think I'm ever going to get over this. I'm in a fucking sensory deprivation tank and I'm fucking bawling my eyes out in front of you. That's not how I do things." I am a man damn it. We do not cry in front of other men!

I felt him pressing against my chest then and felt his arms wrapping around me. I wanted to fight it, I wanted to be a man, but at that moment all I felt was broken.

"Shh. Edward. It will be fine. You went through a major emotional trauma. It is going to have lasting effects."

He stroked my back gently and gently pushed my hair out of my eyes, off to the side. He made soft noises, calming me even as he continued rubbing circles on my back.

I felt myself relax and lean into him, all the while still sobbing. This is it. You're doomed to be haunted by this forever. You'll never get over it. They'll all look at you with sorrow and say, "Oh there's poor Edward Cullen. He used to be such a nice, normal man and now he's in the psyche ward. Such a waste of talent." I felt us move until Jasper was sitting on the lowest stair with me resting in the water in front of him, my head on his shoulder.

"We can amp up the treatment and push you harder if you want. We'll get you to a point where you only see what is there. I will strip everything else away for you."

I just want to be normal. I'll do whatever it takes. I need to get past this. I will not be a fucking nobody. "Please, Jasper." I begged.

"Shhh." He said softly. "I can make it all go away, just let me in. Submit to me."

I paused. Submit? How? Does it even matter? "O-okay. I swear. From now on I'll do exactly what you say. Just please…make me better. Make me whole. Make this…ache, this despair go away."

I felt him nod. "So be it."

AN: You are all SOOOOO lucky we love you and decided to continue this. Otherwise we easily COULD have stopped here. Don't forget to send us thanks.


I was beginning to be uncomfortable on his shoulder so I made to move but his arms clamped around me. "No. Stay."

"Uh…okay." I said. This was a little odd.

"No. From now on, if you want me to help you, when we are having our treatment you will refer to me as "Sir." Do you understand?"

"Alright." I said dumbly.

"No. Say it."

"Yes sir." I said.

I could almost hear him smile. "Good Edward. This is going to be a bit different than you're used to. I will help you. But you will do what I say. No exceptions. You will do what I say when I say without argument. Are we clear?"

"Yes."

"Yes what?"

"Yes sir."

"Very nice Edward, very nice." He moved me and said, "We need to get out now. Our time is almost up." He punched a few buttons and the tank lid opened, bathing us with light.

I blinked. It wasn't as bright as the OR, but it was brighter than what we had just been in. It was only then I realized we were both wearing swim trunks. This was slightly mortifying. I still couldn't believe he'd had to undress me. "Jasper, really, thanks for today."

He looked at me funny. "I am not Jasper during therapy Edward. I'm Sir. You may call me Jasper in front of Bella and you may call me Jasper during our runs or if we meet at the hospital. But this?" He gestured between us. "This is therapy. And in therapy, I am in charge. I now hold your reigns. Do you understand?"

I swallowed. Why do I feel like I'm in over my head here? "Yes sir."

He smiled once more and for some reason, it looked feral. "Good Edward. I'm impressed. You seem to have picked this up easily enough. Time will tell." He stepped to the stack of towels and handed me one. "I feel, in light of this, that we need to change your schedule. We are about to embark on a long, tumulus journey. And for that, I think I need to see you almost every day. Starting now. Be at my house tonight, six sharp. I will excuse tardiness only if you are in a surgery. Lie to me and I will know. From now on we will meet Monday, Wednesday and Friday nights unless I deem the session unnecessary. You are not to schedule anything else. We will continue meeting for our jogs on Wednesday and Saturday mornings. Is that a problem?"

For the second time today I felt like I was traveling down a rabbit hole. But if he would make me well… "No sir. No problem."

His lip quirked. "Good boy. Tell Bella that you had an…incident today. No need to worry her, just tell her that I thought it best to continue our meetings more frequently."

I nodded. "Okay."

When I didn't add his new title, Jasper lifted one eyebrow in my direction. He really expected me to call him sir with every response. Fuck it. If he can make me better, I can call him sir. "Okay sir."

I watched him slide off his trunks and quickly dress. "Remember Edward. Six sharp. Do not be late. If you are…" He paused and that wicked grin crossed his face again. "You are to be punished."

And with that, he was gone.

I think my mind was on autopilot the rest of the day. I remember checking on my patients, my father asking me if I needed more time, Bella flipping out and trying to pry what happened out of me, but mostly I kept going over what had happened in that tank and the switch that seemed to have been flipped in Jasper. It was as if he were Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. But…he promised he'd help me. So I could do nothing but comply. I needed to get better.

Bella had been less than thrilled when I informed her of my session tonight. She had lain out dinner for us. "Invite Rose and Em over. You know how Em loves your pot roast."

"But Edward…"

"I can't be late Bella. I'll eat some leftovers or grab something on the way home. I have to go."

She sighed and looked to my father, who had just stepped from his office, for help. "Bella, if he needs this, then he needs to go."

She sighed. "I just feel like I never see you."

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. Since when did she get so clingy? Didn't she realize I was doing this for her? Well, it was for me, but also for her. "I'll be home later. And now we'll have Tuesdays and Thursdays open so we can go to Mom's Tuesday Tuna Casserole night."

She laughed at that. It was well known that Bella hated tuna casserole, but she always ate it so mom wouldn't feel bad. "Torture." She whispered, causing my dad to laugh. I kissed her and hurried out to my car, making it to Jasper's house with only a moment to spare.

"Good. You are taking this seriously, aren't you Edward?" He asked as he opened the door. He was still in the same clothes from earlier, as was I.

I nodded. "I want to get better."

A light slap came across my face. What the hell just happened?

"First rule. You are not to talk unless I command you to do so. Do you understand? Nod or shake your head."

I was a bit dumbfounded, but I nodded "yes".

"Good. Now, follow me."

He shut the door and led me to a room I had not been in the past few times I'd been to his house. It was a guest room I supposed, but there was no furniture, with the exception of a dresser and a few futon mattresses on the floor making up what looked like the equivalent of two king sized beds.

"Kneel." He instructed.

I did as asked and slipped to my knees. "Edward, I'm about to introduce you to a whole new world full of wonderful things. However, that introduction comes with a price." He stepped over to a table and opened a box. "What ring size do you wear? A ten? You may answer."

"A ten and a half, sir." I said, my voice sounding a bit scared, even to me.

He nodded, selecting something from the box and walking back to me. "This ring is the sign of a slave. The kanji says Dorei, or Slave, if you will. In accepting this, you will be accepting to take whatever I dole out. You will do as I say when I say and you will not backtalk me. Do you understand?"

This was a trick. That much I knew. So I merely nodded. He smiled again. "Very nice Edward. You may be a decent sub yet." He stepped away and said, "Stand."

I stood, still not sure exactly what he was talking about.

"I am going to help you with your emotional pain by countering it with physical pain. You will come to like it."

What is he…?

"Strip." He commanded.

Oh shit.

A note from Jasper: My lovely writers have taken my idea and will now be updating based on your good behavior. They will not update until this chapter receives 100 reviews. If they receive 100 reviews today, you can expect the next chapter by Monday evening. They have anonymous review open as well, so not having an account is no reason to not review. A Monday/Thursday update schedule sounds good to me. Don't make me get out my whip.

Here's a sneak peek at what I have in store for Edward. How soon do you want to read it?

Edward nodded his head but did not look up at me nor did he stop moving his hips. He was lost to his needs. "That's okay, Edward. You'll learn to enjoy it in time. You aren't thinking about your patient now, are you?"

He shook his head. "As long as you worry solely about pleasing me, nothing else will worry you. I like to make you feel good, Edward. It makes me hard to know that you're hard from me touching you, spanking you, helping you. But you're not ready for me yet. You haven't earned that yet. I'll find another sub tonight who is."