Disclaimer: We do NOT own Twilight. But we do enjoy fucking with Edward.
Dark Salvation
AN: We weren't going to post this until Monday. Master Jasper gave you the rules a while ago for getting two updates each week. We've been busting our asses to write this for you and get it out more often. We really don't appreciate PM's asking us when we're posting the next chapter when the messages are coming from people who don't review.
Fiberkitty thanks you for the well wishes. She is still quite sick but she managed to write out another chapter of DS while miserable, because she doesn't want to let down our readers. She was really sad that while the 10,000 word chapter from Monday had more hits than any except the first, it was on the lower end of reviews. Those of you that haven't reviewed it yet, if you go back and leave a note on chapter 13, it might make her feel a little better. A purring kitty is a happy kitty. A happy kitty convinces her wifey mischief to give you more E & B smut.
Warning: (stealing idea from OOE's HOFY) Put on your big person panties as there will be a little bit of heart fail in this chapter. Don't worry- it doesn't last long and the rose colored world is back by the end of the chapter. So- don't get pissed and quit reading halfway through the chapter. Stick it out to the very last paragraph, 'kay?
Edward POV (Chapter 14)
What just happened? I thought as I felt the water swirl around me. I…was that all a dream? Did I really…? Did he really just…? Did we…? Shit. Oh my God. What have I done?
"Edward, Edward, say something, please?"
I looked up into his eyes. They were a soft, almost cornflower blue. Gone was the hard master that paddled me, gone also, was the man I'd just been with. In their place was my friend, Jasper. "What did we do?" I managed to whisper. The whole night had been nothing short of torture. Oh, not any type of therapy, no, you could have cut the sexual tension with a knife. Starting with when I walked in that door and found Seth finishing up Jasper's blowjob.
"Hello Edward, sorry you missed the show. He's too good and I just couldn't hold off any longer."
What the hell? Did he just let that boy suck him off? I wasn't sure if I was disgusted or turned on by the fact. "I… uh... Sir, I'm sorry for interrupting." I dropped down to my knees, waiting
Imagine my surprise when Jasper told me to stand and then proceeded to…well, damn. That kiss Wednesday night, I knew I shouldn't have done it when I did, and I thought he didn't want me to. So I was in shock when he told me to greet my master properly.
His eyes fell to my lips and back to my eyes. He wants me to kiss him? Do I? Do I want to? Should I? Is this a test? He gave me a slight nod and I leaned forward, closing the distance between us.
My lips met his and I felt his hands travel to my shoulders. It was…bliss. The tart of the cherry Coke he'd obviously drank combined with the essence of I'm assuming Seth's taste and Jasper's own flavor created a bouquet that teased and tempted my palate, causing my erection to harden to the point of pain as his hands moved mine and then wound in my hair.
Fuck, I'd always enjoyed it when Bella's hands went into my hair and Jasper's hands were no exception to that rule. I let out a moan as his tongue flickered over my lips. I felt myself pulling away, my mind refusing what my body was craving for, but I remained strong. I knew what I was doing. Alice's confrontation with me put that into the forefront of my mind. I would be kissing this man. I would be letting him touch me, we would have sex. And as much as that scared me, it thrilled me at the same time.
My body pushed further into his, demanding more friction, showing him how willing I was for this to actually happen. I wanted this, wanted him. Now. I needed…I didn't know what I needed, but my cock knew it needed something. I walked us back against the wall and ground onto him, smiling slightly as I felt his own cock start to harden. This is me. I'm doing this to him.
Our tongues teased one another slowly, gently. I wasn't sure what he wanted, wasn't sure exactly what it was I was willing to give, but I knew that tonight would change everything.
"Edward? Come back to me Edward."
I felt him shaking me and I blinked. "J-Jasper? Sir?" I asked weakly. I must have passed out. What happened?
He blew out a breath. "Edward. Don't scare me like that again."
"What happened?" I asked.
He shook his head. "I knew it. I fucking knew I took it too far and I…"
My muddled brain was having issues figuring out what he was talking about. "Sir, I…"
"Edward…do you remember what happened when we laid down in the bed together tonight?"
I slid between the sheets and we lay in silence, listening to each other's breathing. It was maddening. My cock had been hard all evening long. I hadn't had sex in almost a week and needed to get off desperately. I turned toward him. "I can't sleep, Sir. I'm a little worked up and it's making sleep difficult."
I felt him moving, what he was reaching for, I wasn't sure until I saw the tube of lubricant. Oh fuck…we're doing this? Tonight? Now? He put the tube in my hand. "Tonight I'll just watch and keep my hands where they are unless you move them or tell me otherwise." He instructed.
He's going to watch me get off? The thought thrilled me in a disturbing sort of way. I relaxed into him as we drew closer, placing my head on his upper arm. "Jasper, I've never…with anyone else but Bella. I don't know if I can…by myself." Shit, this is embarrassing. "Maybe if you were…too, I could…" Damn, why can't my inner Emmett come out NOW?
He laughed quietly against my lips as he kissed me softly. "I'll jack off too if that's what you want."
Hell yes that's what I want! I almost screamed at him. I need to make sure this is right with him, that I'm not doing something I shouldn't be. Besides, he's my master, even if we're somewhat informal here. I need to make sure he gets…that I…that he can…fuck. I don't know what the hell I'm doing here.
I watched as he slid his boxers off and oh fuck…his cock…well, I'd not seen a lot of erect cocks, I had to be honest, but his was…stunning. I wasn't quite comfortable with it though. I was confused enough, but horny as hell, so I slid my own boxers off and lay back down.
His arm went under my head once more and pulled me to him until our chests were touching. We had just enough room in between us for our two hands. I grabbed the lube and my fingers brushed his erection. It twitched at me and became more swollen.
I looked at him and I'm sure my eyes grew wider. I'm doing this, I thought to myself. Me. I'm making him hard. It was not a startling revelation, as I'd seen it before, but never where he'd allow me to touch it. So, I brushed over him again. Then, doing something I knew I liked, I touched the head of his cock, smearing the pre-cum across the tip. He let out a little contented purr and I smiled. Okay, I've not fucked this up yet, let's see what else I can do…
I swirled my thumb around him and then pulled away to examine my work. In the moonlight his cock glistened like a shining star. It looked…well, it looked delicious. I couldn't believe I'd thought it, but I really wanted a taste. However, I didn't think either of us were ready for that yet. But I couldn't help myself as I brought my thumb to my mouth and tasted him. I was right. Delicious.
"Is this," I asked as I touched him once more, "from me?" I knew I made him hard, but to make him this eager…he looked like if I were to put my mouth around him he would explode.
"Yes, this is all from you and for you. I was already spent but your kiss got me going again."
Our kisses became fast and furious after that. I don't really remember everything that happened as we made out. I remembered feeling the slight shadow along his jaw, scraping my tongue as I whimpered, I remembered teasing him slightly, I remembered telling him how hard and horny he'd made me all week long, and I vividly remembered asking him to show me how to make him feel good.
But he didn't want me to make him feel good. He wanted me to feel good. And that, I believe, is the sign of a good master. Though, I'm not exactly sure since Jasper is my first (and only) master.
How long we ground against each other, enjoying the feeling of our hands working our own dicks, I wasn't sure, but then he surprised me and asked, "Edward, can I try something? You can tell me 'no' and it's perfectly okay. I know all of this is new to you. But our activities later on will likely progress to me being inside of you. May I put on a glove and use some lube to help you get ready for that day?"
What? I stopped moving and looked at him. Am I ready for this? I nodded quickly before I could change my mind. I wanted him, wanted this, wanted…more. He reached and grabbed something from his drawer then asked me to move so that I was facing him, my left leg, the top one, over his hips.
I looked at him again and he gave me a slight nod. I began pumping myself as I felt his finger touching me, touching someplace that had never been touched before by anyone other than Bella, and that had only been that one time. My mind moved my body for me, away from him and he started running his hands through my hair again, calming me slightly.
I needed to know that this was okay, that I would be okay. The only reassurance I had was a kiss, something soft, gentle. He complied and started teasing my mouth with his talented tongue. "Jasper," I moaned as I began pumping myself all the harder. He slipped one finger inside of me, little bit by little bit until I relaxed further.
He curled that finger up and I groaned. What the hell is that? It felt wonderful. I wiggled slightly, relishing in the feeling and he began to massage me. So relaxed I was that I didn't realize he'd added a second finger. I bucked against him and bit down on his shoulder. Oh fuck did it feel good. More Jasper. I need more. "Jasper, so close. Please."
He kissed my hair. "Do you need to come, Edward?"
"God, please, yes. Let me come, Sir."
I felt him moving a bit more, sliding another finger in. It hurt, but at the same time…"Now, Edward. Come for me."
Oh God…I was pumping as hard as I could, bucking against the fingers intruding into me and I felt it, I was free, I was flying…"Fuck!"
"Edward, are you okay?" He asked again.
My breath caught as I began to sob. "Oh my god. I just cheated on Bella…I just…I mean, I thought about it, I wanted it, wanted you, but I just…I…"
"Didn't think it through?" He asked softly.
I looked at him and said, "Jasper…I'm…"
"Shhh," He said, his finger going over my lips. "Edward, you went into this with your eyes wide open. It's only cheating if you don't tell Bella about it."
I hung my head. He knew I hadn't told Bella about it.
"Edward." He said, this time a bit more firmly. "Look at me. Now."
My eyes traveled up to his and I noticed his jaw was set. Master was back. "Edward, you knew we would end up doing this, that we would end up doing more. Have I pushed you? Yes. But not too hard. I could easily take from you what I want, but I haven't. You are more than welcome to give me back my ring if what you feel you're doing is wrong…"
My hand went instinctively to my ring. Did I want that? Could I give him up? What would happen to me if I did? "I…want to stay Master. I…I need you."
His eyes softened. "Come. You're clean enough. Let's get out and warmed up, okay? We'll snuggle a bit and talk."
I nodded mutely as I stood and stepped from the tub. Twice now he has had to look after me. Why does he bother? I remembered what I'd read about subs needing to be strong individuals. "Sir?" I asked.
"Yes?" He asked as he handed me a towel.
"Why? Why do you bother? What is it about me that makes you keep trying?"
He sighed. "Edward…what I told you Wednesday, that you reminded me of me, that was true. You were broken, not unlike I was. I was…put back together poorly. I don't want to see that happen to you."
"Thank you Sir." I said softly. I stepped to him and he seemed surprised as my arms wrapped around him for a hug. "I don't know how I'll ever repay you." I whispered.
He smiled and kissed my lips softly. "It's my pleasure Edward."
I followed him back out to the bedroom and shivered as I looked at the bed. "I just…I can't believe we actually…"
He smirked. "You do realize there will be more to come than that, don't you?"
"Yes." I stated. "And…I'm not exactly sure what it says about me, but I'm…eager for that, sir."
His face showed surprise. "Edward, I'm at a loss for words. Just when I think I know you, you turn around and surprise me."
It surprised me too. Damn internal Emmett. He only shows up when I don't want him to. Fuck.
I watched him slip back into bed and he smirked again. "Come on Edward. No need to be shy now."
I felt my cheeks warm as I slipped the towel off and stood, thinking. Now what? Do we snuggle like Bella and I do? Do we kiss and make out some more? Do we…?
"Edward. Stop over thinking and get your ass into this bed. I'm tired and have a long flight."
"Yes sir." I said with a slight smile. I climbed in and he tugged me toward him. It felt…nice. His body was hard against mine, not soft like Bella's. We were touching, facing one another. The lines of our bodies fused together. I listened to him breathing for a moment, but I could almost sense some apprehension coming from him, and I don't think I was the cause of it. "Tell me about Italy?" I asked softly. "I've not been there. What are you favorite things to do? Places to go?"
That seemed to do it and he easily slid into the conversation. We talked for an hour or so, bullshitting until we were both sleepy and I managed to fall asleep much like I do with Bella, my leg in between his, snuggled into a pillow while my arm was over his chest.
We awoke to the sound of the alarm screaming at us and we both groaned. I'm not what one would call a morning person. My head went under the covers and the pillow as I curled into the fetal position. "It's too early!" I said.
"Too bad Edward. I have to get going."
My head popped up. "Jasper?" I asked. Shit. I had forgotten I'd slept with Jasper. The whole night came crashing back to me in the instant I moved the pillow and looked to find him smiling at me.
"Good morning Edward."
"G-good morning Jasper, sir."
He stood and stretched and I couldn't help admiring his body. "Feel free to relax a few moments while I shower Edward. I'll be out in a bit."
"Sir, if it's all the same, do you mind if I join you?"
His eyebrow rose in surprise. "Edward…after last night…"
"Last night was terrific sir. I want to be what you need. I want to be a good sub."
He nodded. "Very well Edward. But just so you know, there will be no hanky-panky in the shower. I refuse to touch you again until you tell Bella. She has a right to know what you're doing and what you're getting into. I will not be the wedge that comes between you."
I nodded, my head falling slightly. "Yes sir, I know that. And you're right. She deserves to know the truth." I just wasn't sure how the hell I was going to tell her.
Since we were both naked, it was easy enough for us to slip into his huge shower. We kept to ourselves as the water washed us, though, the fact remained that we were both hard as rocks and the small touches that inadvertently happened didn't help matters any.
After we were both clean, we stepped from the shower to find Seth, in only his boxers, waiting with two towels. "Sirs," He said softly.
"You will not address Edward as "sir" unless I instruct you to Seth." Jasper said sharply. He took the towel from Seth, not even allowing him to wrap it around his master. "Thank you though." He added.
Seth, who had momentarily looked chastised, smiled. I took my towel from him, slightly uncomfortable standing naked with another man, well, that wasn't Jasper. I knotted it quickly about my waist and to my surprise, Jasper leaned over and kissed Seth. "You are a very good boy Seth. Go to your room and dress quickly. We must hurry."
"Yes sir." He replied, scampering off.
My eyebrow rose. Does Jasper want me to act like that? Like a fucking lapdog? And what the hell? He gets me off last night, all but fucks me and then he's kissing Seth? What the fuck?
"Something you want to add Edward?" Jasper asked me sarcastically.
I shook my head and dropped my eyes. "No sir."
"Good. I'm glad to see your jealousy and your temper are becoming easier for you to maintain. I haven't punished you like I could. Never forget that I have a slew of other…items that will hurt much worse than that paddle and my hand."
I swallowed hard and keeping my head down, followed him back out into his bedroom.
We dressed quickly and made our way to the airport. Jasper stayed true to his statement. He had refused to touch me in any shape, form or fashion the whole way, even though he sat next to me in the passenger seat while I drove. I glanced at Seth in the rearview mirror and wondered exactly what he had done for Jasper already.
The thought made me angry, though, I knew I had no place. Of course he had been with other men, had other subs. He had told me so. I noticed Seth wasn't wearing a ring, but I did notice he had a necklace on. Was that something different? Did he "belong" to someone else? Was he a "loaner"? Would I be loaned out to others? My thoughts kept me busy all the way to the airport.
He smiled once I pulled his bag from the trunk and said, "Goodbye Edward. Here is my arrival time next week." He handed me a paper printed from the internet, which I folded neatly and tucked into my pants pocket. "I assume that you will be alright while I'm gone?"
I nodded. "Yes sir."
He smiled, but I noticed it was a bit strained now. Why was that? Was he dreading leaving? Or was he mad at me for something? Would it always be this difficult to know what was going through his head? "Good. Then I'll see you when I return. If you need anything, you have my emergency number. I won't be able to contact you right away, but I'll make sure to get back in touch with you as soon as I can."
I nodded once more. "Yes sir."
"Have a nice week Edward."
"You too sir." I told him.
He winced and said, "Edward, I want us to part as friends, okay? Can we do that?"
I wasn't exactly sure what he meant by that statement, so I walked toward him and clasped him in a short "guy hug". "Goodbye Jasper. I'll see you soon. I can't wait for our next run. I hate we didn't get to run this morning."
He smiled then, a true smile, not the forced one he'd used only moments ago. "Thank you Edward. And not to worry, I think we got quite a workout last night, didn't we?"
I blushed and nodded. "I think we did," I managed.
He chuckled flatly. "Come Seth, let's go." He turned then and walked away.
I made it home from the workday tired. I hadn't gotten a lot of sleep, and that made my cheeks warm to think about. Luckily I only had to check on a few patients and had no surgeries since it was Saturday and arrived home while Bella was still asleep. She liked to sleep in on Saturday mornings and more often than not we had lain in bed together snuggling, talking, making love…I looked at her lying there so innocently and thought about what Jasper and I had done. How would I ever explain it to her?
"Edward? Are you home?" She asked me sleepily. I smiled. She had always sleep-talked.
"Yes Bella love, I'm home."
"It's Saturday." She said.
"Yes, it is."
"Snuggle with me?" She asked, turning over.
I slipped my pants off and slipped onto the bed. She snuggled into me and giggled. "You smell like Jasper."
I felt my heart plummet, but hoping she meant the soap, I said, "Yeah, I showered at Jasper's. You know I'm not a morning person."
"Mm-hmm. That was nice of you. You're nice."
I smirked. "Go back to sleep love. Did you and Rose have fun?"
"Yeah…dreamed of you."
I kissed her tenderly. "Dreamed of you too love." I told her, which was, a total and complete lie. I hadn't dreamed. I had slept like the dead because my therapist fucked me with his fingers while I got myself off. I closed my eyes in chastisement, but all I could see was him, watching him jack off using my jizz as lubricant. My cock strained at the thought and I shifted slightly.
Bella let out a little hum and her leg, which had made its way between mine bumped my erection, causing me to whimper in need again. "Edward," She whispered softly. "Make love with me."
My eyebrow rose. I guess she wasn't as asleep as I'd thought she was. "Bella, love, you're sleeping."
To my surprise, she rolled over onto me, grinding her hips into me. "I'm awake now." She said as she started biting my chin.
"Bella…"
"Edward…need you…" She said as she lifted my shirt and started attacking my abs.
"Fuck," I muttered as I rolled us. I shimmied my boxers down and slammed myself into her. She had slept in only her night gown. Yummy.
She let out a rather primal growl and her sleepy eyes opened to look into mine. She pulled my mouth down to hers and kissed me tenderly. "I love you."
"I love you too," I whispered, swallowing back tears as I tucked my face into her neck. I couldn't look at her, not knowing what I was doing, what I'd done…I was about to pull away when her legs tightened around me. She let out a gasp and I felt her body clench around mine.
"Fuck." She growled. "Edward! Yes! God! Fuck me!"
I pistoned into her, roughly now, nibbling on her neck, trying like hell to get the vision of Jasper lying next to me out of my thoughts. "Bella…"
"Edward."
I flipped us again so she was on top. I looked up at her. Bella. My wife. The woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. I'm not sure what will become of Jasper and I, but I know I need Bella too. She's my everything. Jasper is putting me back together for her. It's because of Bella I'm alive. It's Bella I want forever. Not Jasper. Bella.
I pulled her down to me and our lips fused together as my thumb found her clit. We kissed and I bucked and she rode me roughly as she came again. "Edward! Yes!" She screamed once more.
I turned us one more time so I was on top and kissed her tenderly. "I love you Bella. Always remember that, okay?"
She smiled at me softly. "Okay." And with that, I exploded, pulling her over the edge of reason.
We lay in the silence then, just enjoying being with each other when it hit me how horrible a person, a husband I was. And that was when the tears started.
"Edward? Love, what's wrong?" She asked.
I buried my head into her shoulder and sobbed. "Edward? You're scaring me." She said as she pulled away to sit up, her body wrapping around mine. She held me forever before she said, "Honey? What is it?"
I took a breath and looked at her. My beautiful wife. I loved her more than my own life. It was because of her I went to see Jasper in the first place. I could look at her and see my whole future, our children, our lives together…and once I tell her this…all of that may go up in smoke. "Bella, love, I have something I have to tell you."
"What?" She asked softly.
I swallowed hard and sat up, crossing my legs Indian style, facing her. "Bella…I haven't been truthful to you about my therapy."
She blinked. "Okay."
I blew out a breath. "Bella, Jasper…he's not what you think he is."
"He's not a therapist?" She asked confused.
I chuckled flatly. "Well, yes, he is a therapist, but he's…more."
"More?"
How am I going to say this? "Love, Jasper is…a Dom."
"Oh my God! Are you serious? Like, with the mob? Is he dangerous?"
I couldn't help the laugh that burst from me. "Bella…no!" I could barely control my breathing. "He's not in the mob. He's a dominant."
"A dominant what?" She asked, still not getting it.
I sighed. "Bella, remember that episode of CSI where Grissom met Lady Heather?"
She looked at me confused for a minute before her eyes widened. "Oh. OH! You mean…"
I nodded. "Very similar."
"And you know this…?"
I sighed. "Because I kind of agreed to be his sub?" I offered.
"WHAT!?"
I winced. "Bella, just, wait, just let me…"
"No. NO! Edward! How could you? What have you done? Do you? Have you? Has he? How does this? What does this? Edward Anthony Cullen! How could you?" She started sobbing then. "How could you do this to me?"
"Bella, this…this isn't about you."
Her eyes hardened.
"What I mean," I started quickly, "is that this isn't about you and I. It's about me healing, getting better."
"And you get that by being whipped and fucked?"
I winced again. "Well, not exactly…it's…I can't explain it."
"Edward. We are married. And you're, what? Going to be with Jasper? Oh. My. God. Are you gay?" That was when she got up, started pacing, and started muttering. I caught phrases such as, "Of course he is," and "Mom told me he was too pretty," and "Don't know why I didn't see it sooner," but it was when she said, "Knew I wasn't good enough," that I jumped up and ran to her, falling to my knees at her feet.
"Don't you dare Bella! Of course you're good enough! This isn't about you! I love you with everything I am. I want to be with you forever! I want to grow old with you, have kids with you, live our lives side by side until we both meet our maker. But Bella, Jasper…he…I can't explain it. He has this hold over me. And he is making me better. He and I are a lot alike. We've both been broken. He's putting me back together. For you. For us. I swear it."
She sighed. "Edward…how can I believe you?"
I bit the inside of my cheek. "We've been together for how many years now? You can stand there and ask me how you can believe me? Because I tell you, that's how. I could have kept this from you but I haven't." She didn't really need to know that I wasn't planning on telling her. Looking back, clearly that wasn't one of my brighter ideas.
"Edward…I don't…I don't know what to say, how to handle this."
"Trust me." I begged. "Please, just trust me."
She shook her head. "I'm not sure I can." She moved around me then, throwing on some pants and a tee. "I need to get out of here. I need to think. I need…"
"You can't tell." I said suddenly.
She stopped and looked at me. "What do you mean?"
"About Jasper. You can't tell."
"Give me one good reason why?"
"It would mean him losing so much Bella. Don't do anything to hurt him, okay? It's not his fault either."
Her eyes were narrowed. "Personally I really do think it's his fault. But if you don't want me to tell, I won't. I'll be back Edward. Just…give me some space."
I watched her walk out the door and I sank to the floor and cried.
AN: I sooooo could have ended it right here. And would have…but fiberkitty talked me into continuing it. So show her some love for talking me into it and give your beloved MM1 some love too, will ya?
I managed to pick myself up off the floor and ran to the shower to get the smell of sex and Jasper both off my body. After that, I slid on some lounging pants, a tee shirt and curled myself up into a ball under the covers.
Hours passed before I finally heard the front door open and close. This reminded me pointedly of the time Emmett told me to basically shape up or ship out when he told me to go see Jasper in the first place.
I groaned. I did NOT need Emmett coming in here and telling me what to do again. I didn't know what I needed to do, but I knew he couldn't tell me either.
I heard footsteps and heard a sigh. "Edward. I don't think crawling under the covers is the answer to this situation."
"Bella?" I asked eagerly, throwing the blanket off.
She shook her head in disgust, confusion, I wasn't sure. "Edward…"
I was up in a flash and over to her. "Bella, please? Just…listen to me, okay?"
She sighed again and nodded as she walked to the bed and sat. She crossed her arms. "Talk."
Shit. Now what? "I, uh…okay, the truth. The whole truth."
"I think I deserve it."
Ouch. I cleared my throat. "Uh, okay. So…truthfully…um…"
"Why don't you start at the beginning Edward? Tell me. Tell me how you went from receiving normal therapy to…" She looked me up and down. "To whatever the hell you're doing now."
I blew out a breath and sank down onto the bed with her. I wanted to hold her, to clasp her hands in mine, but I had the feeling that wouldn't work right now, so I kept my own in my lap, my right hand playing with my wedding ring, a change from my normal nervous tick of playing with Jasper's ring. "When you left me that night…the night before my first meeting with Jasper, and Emmett came over, well, I was broken. Really broken. I had realized that what you said was right. Something finally clicked in my brain. I knew I needed help, even though I didn't want it."
She motioned me to continue. "I…God Bella, I thought I wasn't good enough. For you, for my patients, for life in general. I thought about killing myself." Her eyes grew round and I did reach out to grab her hands then. "I know. It's horrid love, and I didn't want to leave you…but I thought you'd be better off without me." I finished softly.
"Why Edward? Why couldn't you talk to me?"
"Why? I don't know why Bella. It's just…it was something I was going through." I took another breath. "From the first moment I met Jasper I knew there was something about him. What, I wasn't sure, but I felt a spark with that first touch of his hand when we said goodbye to one another that day." I swallowed. "Not long after that, I had my first fantasy."
"Of…?" She asked quietly.
"Him."
She made a sound similar to that of a wounded animal and I squeezed her hands. "It freaked me out. I'd never thought myself…" I wasn't sure what I was. I'm still not. I shook my head. "I'd never thought of another man like that. I was scared of it, but I couldn't deny it. After that, things snowballed."
I looked away then. "That day that I had the meltdown in the O.R., Jasper took me to the sensory deprivation tank. He talked to me, held me, let me just…work through it all on my own."
"Edward, I could…"
"Bella love, you can't. You can't help me with this, not like he can. He's been there. He's…killed a person before." I wasn't going to offer up anymore information on that. One, because that was about all I knew, and two, it wasn't my story to tell. "And he's dealt with the aftermath too."
"Edward, I want to be there. But if you say I can't, if you push me away…"
"No, no, Bella. I'm not pushing you away. I need you for everything else. Truly, I do. You're my wife. I love you with every fiber of my being."
"And Jasper?" She asked sharply. "Do you love him? Do you want to be with him?"
I winced at her tone. I knew she came from a very conservative background. She was naïve in a lot of ways, ways that, until recently, I'd been as well. She had met her first homosexual in college, a story that had embarrassed her when she'd confided in me. She had been raised to believe that to be wrong, still did, probably, if the truth was known. Chief Swan was a bit of a homophobe and his ex, Renee, well, she wasn't fussed either way. "How do you want me to answer that?" I asked finally.
"Truthfully." She said flatly.
I laughed. "Truthfully? I don't know. Do I want to please him? Yes. Sexually?" I paused. "Yes. But do I love him? No, not like…" How to describe it? "It's different than what I feel, how I love you. I feel almost like he needs me. I can't explain it."
"So…what Edward? You're bisexual? Gay? Do you want me? Do you want other girls? Other guys? I don't know how to handle this." She said, clearly flustered.
I hung my head. I didn't know what I was and I didn't really know what I wanted. I wanted Bella, I wanted Jasper. Anything else? I didn't know. "I'm not sure. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I want you. I want you for forever. And I know that part of me wants him too. Does that make me bisexual? Maybe it does. Maybe I'm wired differently, I'm not sure. But I know that I like giving my control over to him. Bella, I wish you could understand what it feels like to know that you aren't in control of your actions, that you have to rely on someone else to dictate your movements. It's…freeing in a way. I needed that. I needed him to tell me that everything would be okay and mean it. I needed him to tell me that I was not to blame."
"I've TOLD you that Edward!" She shouted at me, tossing my hands away from her and turning her back. "I've tried and tried and tried and now you tell me I'm not good enough to help you?"
"Bella!" I said as I moved to be in front of her again, going to her other side. I grasped her shoulders somewhat roughly and gave her a small shake. "I need you damn it! I need you! You are good enough. You're perfect for me! Don't you understand that I can need both? A wife that loves me and dotes on me and cares for my wellbeing, and then, also, I need another person that's tough on me and kicks my ass and doesn't mollycoddle me?"
"Is that what I do?" She asked, her voice sounding hurt.
I blew out another breath. We were making no progress here. "Bella, you are everything I could want in a wife. You're perfect for me. But there is a part of me, and honestly, I don't know how big of a part, that's a monster, that deserves, no, that needs to be beaten into submission. Jasper's doing that."
"Is that literally or metaphorically speaking?" She asked.
I paused, apparently a moment too long and she said, "Oh my God. That's why you didn't take your shirt off…why you didn't let me see your back. Has he been beating you?"
"No Bella. No. Well, not…really?" It ended up coming out sounding like a question.
She made a disgusted sound and turned away again. I moved once more. "Bella, I don't expect you to understand it, really I don't, but I feel better. I feel like a different person."
She sniffled. Damn it. She was crying. "I know you are. You aren't the man I married."
My heart broke with those last six words. "Bella…"
She shook her head. "So, what? You expect me to join in on your games? Be whipped and…"
"No." I said firmly. "You will not be a part of this." I growled at her.
She laughed flatly. "Come on Edward. What's good for the goose and all that…"
"You're better than that Bella. I refuse to let you be a part of this."
"But I already am." She said defiantly. "I'm married to you. By proxy I am in this."
"I said no."
"And you control me now? How does your Master feel about that?" She asked in distain.
"Bella, please…just listen to me!"
"I am Edward! And damn it if you aren't confusing me more! Do you want him or me?"
"Don't make me choose!" I shouted. "I need you both!" I fell to my knees then. "Please Bella, please don't make me choose. I'll do whatever you want, just, don't."
"If I were to make you chose, would it be me?" She asked quietly.
"Bella…"
"Would it be me?!"
"In a heartbeat." I whispered. "I'll give him back his ring, take it off right now, mail it back to him if I have to choose. I need you Bella. You're my wife. I pledged my undying love to you. I meant the words I spoke in that church in front of our families Bella. Until death do us part."
Tears were rolling down her face. "Are you sure?" She whispered.
I slid the ring from my finger and handed it to her. "Honest to God."
She bit her lip and looked at the ring. "Property of J.W. You belong to him?"
My eyes grew wide. I hadn't noticed what the inscription on the inside said. "Only if I continue to wear the ring."
"And he's helped you…?" She continued.
"I feel…better."
Her hands were shaking as she grasped my right hand again and slid the ring back onto my finger. "Then continue."
"Bella…I don't want to ask that of you."
She shut her eyes and took a breath. "He's helped you. You are different, but not in a bad way." She smiled slightly. "And if you promise to stay true to me, even though you are…" She grimaced, "with him, then, I can't make you choose. That would be betraying my vows to love you in sickness and in health. You were sick before him. Now you're on your way back to being healthy. And for that I'll forever be grateful to him."
"I owe him a lot." I said quietly.
"Yes, I suppose you do. So…" She took in a breath, steeling herself for the next question, I'm sure. "Have you and he…? Has he…" She bit her lip. "How far have you gone?"
A/N2: Review for a sneak peek at what Bella is thinking.