Disclaimer: I don't own Skins, but Christmas is less than 3 months away... *nudge nudge*wink wink*

Summary: "Know you didn't bring me out here to drown, So why am I ten feet under and upside down, Barely surviving has become my purpose, Cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface." (Lyrics by Blyss/Lifehouse - Storm)

Thanks for the reviews, so I seem to be on a roll with this story, the next chapter is as good as written so will probably be up some time tomorrow. Hoping to have this story completed by next week, fingers crossed as I do have job applications to fill in too so of course they come first.

*

*

*

Ten Feet Under

Chapter Seven

Another Tuesday. Another evening with Katie. Another day where Emily had called in sick, spent half her time atop the car park looking down on the world below. It was plain to see that Naomi had changed her, if only a little. Her thoughts had been less dangerous, her actions less risky. Being with Naomi, no matter how wrong, was a saving grace, a way to get through the week after a short meeting. She'd let her in, let her stand in her sanctuary, let her watch the world go by completely oblivious to what Emily often thought about in the same place. But then things changed. Naomi left, walked away and chose not to let Emily bother her life again. It was supposed to be the right decision, supposed to right all the wrongs she knew she'd made, but it didn't. It continued her lie. Continued the regret she didn't want to admit or accept.

"White wine or vodka?" Katie asked, holding up two bottles of alcohol.

Was it right that her only thought was the party she'd attended long ago with Naomi, the party where Naomi stood in a similar position, alcohol in her arms. The thing that followed was a kiss, several kisses. A statement "you're gay" and an agreement.

"None for me thanks," she whispered, wanting anything that could remind her of Naomi to be as far away as possible.

Katie sat down. A glass in her hand. It was supposed to be void of Naomi, supposed to be easier. But it wasn't. The biggest reminder of all was sat next to her; clutching a glass and sipping it like it was the last glass in history and needed to be savoured.

"You're quiet tonight," Katie muttered.

It was ironic really that Katie should notice her silence, her lack of interest in conversation. She was always quiet, never bothered to talk, just listened to Katie moan or talk so fast she could barely keep up. It wasn't Emily that was unusually silent, it was Katie.

"Why are you?" she replied, not really wanting an answer, just pushing the need to answer from her shoulders and onto her sister's.

"Bad day," Katie informed her, letting the rest of the glass disappear into her mouth, contradicting her previous slow drinking.

"Talk to me," Emily muttered, resting a hand on Katie's arm.

It had been a long time since she'd told her to share her life, instigated a conversation with the usually talkative twin. Katie was always fine and when she wasn't she never told Emily, never let her in on the issues in her own sorry existence. Their lives had taken a turn at some point. Emily suspected it was the day Katie told her to forget about Naomi, to find a nice man and move on with her life. Somehow they didn't talk anymore. Katie talked, Emily let the words disappear into the atmosphere. Neither of them questioned how far they'd got, or why they even bothered spending time together when it was so useless.

"Quit my job, lost my friend, lost a really great guy," Katie told her.

There were a number of jobs Katie had over the years, Emily tried to remember which one it was that her sister was talking about. Realised how stupid it was that she didn't know, had never really remembered the job that Katie was currently in. Nor could she work out who the friend was, or the man. She wondered if the three things were connected. But like their relationship, she didn't question it out loud, just let the usual silence take over.

"Fucking hell Emily," Katie snapped, pouring herself another glass. "Not even going to say anything?"

She'd noticed. She never noticed. "What is there to say? Life's a bitch."

"Life's a bitch?" Katie asked, her eyes barely showing through the frustrated slits, her teeth clenched. "What is wrong with you?"

"I'm sick of people wanting something from me," Emily told her, not sure why she said it. Hoping it wouldn't open a whole can of worms but suspected she wouldn't be able to stop it if it did.

"I don't want something from you Emily, I want you to be my fucking sister like you always have been."

"Like I always have been. Just like Naomi wants me to pretend to be who I was in college and Bobbie wants me to be a perfect wife."

The things she said weren't really saying too much. She suspected that's why she'd chosen to say them. They told Katie she was angry, without telling her she regretted every single thing she had ever done. The now wide eyes staring back at her made her realise just what she'd said, just what she'd admitted to the one person she shouldn't.

"Naomi?"

She stayed silent, busied herself with a thread on her coat, which she hadn't even taken off. Regretted it instantly when the thread created a small hole and silently wished she actually knew how to sew.

"Naomi fucking Campbell?" Katie tried again, her voice deep and low, aggression seeming to take over her previously calm exterior.

"Yes."

There was no denying it, no pretending it wasn't the truth. It was too late now, had always really been too late the moment she'd told Katie that she was right, that she wasn't gay.

"Are you seriously telling me that you've gone back to that fucking life?"

"I just met up with her, for old times sake."

"So you fucked her?"

It was so blunt, so simply put and in the light of day Emily knew how stupid it was, didn't really need her blind sighted sister to tell her that is was any number of ways wrong.

"You have a great life, you fucking messed it up," Katie shouted, taking the moral high ground despite having dated many married men and plenty just unattainable.

"It's not like that," Emily tried. "You don't understand."

"No Emily, you don't fucking understand. You have everything right now. You were doing so well. You can't go back there, you can't fuck it up for someone who will just leave you."

There were a million and one replies, but none of them seemed good enough, none of them could truly justify anything.

"You have everything," Katie shouted again, repeating it with such force that Emily wondered if her sister felt more connected to Emily's life than Emily did. "Some people would kill to have a life like yours."

The magic words, the words Emily knew were the sum of their relationship. Katie didn't want Emily to be happy, never really wanted her to have the life she did because she wanted it all for herself. Bobbie was never her type, even if she'd liked men. Katie had pushed her away from Naomi so that Emily could have the one thing Katie was too scared to take for herself. For the first time Emily actually saw her sister, really paid attention to the person who effectively ruined her life. The only irony being that she'd ruined her own in the process; knocked Emily down so much that she could rely on her and never truly be who she needed or wanted to be.

"It's not what you think," Emily tried to defend herself, the words falling on deaf ears.

"You're having sex with a woman, you're fucking straight Emily. You always have been and you always will be."

Katie had said it before, whispered it when Emily had been upset over Naomi, shouted it when they'd had a fight. It had gone into her brain, pushed itself into the space where she previously thought she was a lesbian and fought tooth and nail until her homosexual self was cowering in a corner, kept back by the threats her straight self made. For the first time in her whole life Emily's gay self was fighting back, had been given a courage boost from the few short moments with Naomi. She didn't really know the blonde anymore, didn't really have the same connection they used to have, but she still felt like she could be a different person when she was with her. She'd been in love many years ago, would have told Naomi so if she'd have turned up at the love ball, would have had a different life where she wouldn't have been able to breath without Naomi by her side. It wasn't the same, they both knew that. But somehow they both knew they could rip their current lives in two just to be together. Emily didn't see it before, thought it stupid to want to be the person she was deep inside, now knew it was okay to want Naomi more than her husband. She felt strength in her thoughts, a strength she wished could make everything alright. She was still broken, still thought every day about ending everything and the thought of breaking up her family for a woman she barely knew made her want to stand on top of the car park and finally throw herself off. The strength made her feel ready to tell Naomi though.

"I have to go," Emily told Katie, not listening to her continual speech about gay people and Emily being straight. The red head stared at her, didn't really respond, just shouted after her to not do anything stupid.

*

The multi-storey closed in the evening. Otherwise she would have spent the last few hours, she was meant to be with her sister, there. Instead she drove through Bristol, down country lanes until she ended up stood in the middle of a clearing by a lake. The memories of her first sexual experience with Naomi, with any girl, filled her surroundings; how she'd stripped off and jumped into the lake, splashed around with Naomi; suggested blowbacks by the fire they'd built; been surprised when Naomi had been the one to kiss her, an 'experiment' that led to Naomi leaving. She'd been scared to care about Emily, scared to just want her and Emily had been so sure. Things were so different now. It was late, getting really quite late. It didn't stop Emily from phoning Naomi. Waited for a few moments for the blonde to pick up and almost regretted it when someone else answered.

"Is Naomi Campbell there please?" she asked, hoping to sound professional, to avoid creating suspicion with, who Emily could only assume was, Naomi's girlfriend.

"Hello?" a groggy voice answered.

"Naomi, it's Emily."

"Oh," her voice grew stronger, Emily could almost sense Naomi's whole body waking at the knowledge of her caller. "This isn't a good time."

"Don't marry her," Emily interrupted, a whole speech in her mind prepared.

"Can you call back in a couple of days?"

"I will do it. I'm ready to leave him, my husband. We can be together."

"Seriously," Naomi snapped. "I'm getting married tomorrow morning. This is a really bad time to call, I need to go back to bed now."

There was nothing else she could say, nothing else she had planned to say. Naomi had changed her mind, changed her plans because Emily had rejected her. The line went dead. Naomi didn't want to hear any more. It was over. Emily slipped her phone into her pocket, sat down on the cold, hard floor, shifted about until her head was resting on her arm. She didn't want to go home, didn't want to face her life, or her family just yet. The car park, the only place she had felt any connection to wasn't an option. The clearing was the next best thing. She curled up tightly, holding her knees in her arms, squeezing herself into the foetal position and wondered if the only time she had ever felt like a whole person was the last time she had been curled up so small, in her mother's womb.

*

*

*

I hope you're still enjoying this story as much as I'm enjoying writing it, please review...I'd love to know what you think of it.