Equally Cursed and Blessed ARC
One-shot, side story. This story takes place after chapter seven.
It is from Kazuma's POV concerning Kyou's childhood.
Just so you guys know, I love Kazuma. He's one of the neatest
characters in the series and he's so important in Kyou's life.
Though he won't be a huge part of this fic, I think it's important
that he is recognized for the wonderful guy he is.
This can be read separately from EQAB, but if you haven't yet read
it, it is hoped that this side story might pique your interest!
Enjoy!
"To Break a Spirit"
By Caer, and in conglomeration with Triste
Rating - PG-13
How do you break a spirit?
I never knew my grandfather. He was kept in a cage most of his
life. Though I had seen him, hiding in the shadows of his cell,
watching as we played in the garden, I had never ventured close.
Then, one day, I had been skipping across the cobbles and had not
noticed how near I was to the place I feared so much. A hand
reached through the bars, startling me, my young eyes going wide. In
that hand, was a small riceball.
"Kazuma-kun. I have some candy for you. Would you like it?"
He held the candy through the bars in his frail bony hand. For the
first time I saw him clearly. In hindsight, he was a gentle looking
man. There was no malice in those eyes. But there was no fire
either. He was broken. A pathetic, broken, kindly old man who
wanted one last chance to maybe get to know his grandson.
That isn't what I saw that day. I saw the shadows behind him, the
bars in front of him, the symbol of disgust and putridity that
encircled his wrist in the form of a simple beaded bracelet. In that
moment, he was fear itself. I had been told never to take candy from
strangers. He was more and less than a stranger and I could have
simply told him so, but in the naïve tactless act of a child, I
shrank away from him.
"I don't want it. I'll get cursed."
His eyes were sad. "Ah. Is that so?" he asked simply. And that was
it. He drew his hand back and before another cursed word could
escape his lips and reach my ears, I was running. I rejoined my
friends, said nothing, and the moment was forgotten in another game
of hide and go seek, or king of the hill. I don't remember what
game. However, the moment was never lost to me. Especially when
shortly afterward, the news came that my Grandfather had passed away;
though at the time, I felt no guilt. The news was inconsequential
compared to the trials and tribulations of childhood.
It wasn't until I saw the new Cat of the Juunishi curse that things
began to become clear to me, just as I began to grow up.
I was still living in the main house and attending the Juunishi
events. My father was the Tiger of the Juunishi, though he died a
few years later, passing his own curse to little Kisa.
Kyou was a sickly child. He was fraught with colic and cried
constantly. Of course the Sohmas only talked of the child being
troublesome. No one seemed to notice the fact that the parents hated
their own child. His mother, also was constantly sick. The father
was hardly present at the events, refusing to even acknowledge his
own son. Being the parents, they were included, and then rejected as
was custom.
I began to watch as Kyou grew up, and my disgust of the Sohmas grew
with every year. Kyou was an adorable child, even with his
sicknesses. But he was forever alone. He was home-schooled by his
mother. She never let him go outside. The only time he ever played
with other children, it was when the young cousins would gather
together. But they had been fed the same line that I had when I was
young. That the cat was worthless and troublesome. That he didn't
really belong.
Then one day, I realized things were changing. Had I been closer to
the Juunishi circle after my father's death, I might have seen it
sooner.
It happened that one day, I was visiting the main house, when by
chance, I looked outside. It was close to the New Year. All the
young cousins were playing outside while the adults were cooking and
preparing. As usual, Kyou was sitting alone on the steps, reading
a book. Even at seven years old, I could see that Kyou was a bright
child.
I was too far away to hear, but out of the blue, Kyou looked up.
Shigure, who was a little younger than I, was teasing him, a look of
mischief on his face. Ayame was standing close by, laughing. The
teen dog of the Juunishi grabbed the book out of the little boy's
hands. Kyou immediately started yelling, that much, I could hear.
Shigure simply held the book higher and backed away from the
advancing boy, laughing and refusing to give it back. Finally, the
little redhead got angry, and he marched right up to the playful dog
and kicked him in the shin, causing the dog to yelp and drop the book.
Ayame laughed, already showing signs of being loud and unruly. He
dramatically grabbed Shigure, lowering him to the ground. Shigure,
playing along, put a hand to his head and moaned in pain. I almost
laughed aloud.
As I inched closer, I heard Ayame saying that Shigure would need
surgery. Kyou was looking on, with interest, hesitant. afraid to try
to play along, just in case he was being teased. At first I had
thought to put a stop to the teasing. However as I watched the
interest on Kyou's face, I staid my hand and waited. Now, Yuki, Haru
and Momiji were watching the display as well.
Kyou looked at Shigure before his eyes hardened and he decided he
wasn't buying it.
"He doesn't need surgery," I heard him say in a slightly unsure tone
of voice. "I didn't kick him that hard."
The two older boys just started laughing and Shigure sat up. "We
should all go down to the swimming hole! You wanna come along?"
Kyou looked up at him, surprised. He looked hesitantly back toward
the Sohma house, his little red eyes hopeful but unsure. He knew
undoubtedly, that his mother wouldn't allow it. Still he looked up
shyly and nodded.
"Okay."
With that, the young mouse of the Juunishi clan approached Kyou,
looking delicate even as a child, he looked at the cat with curious
eyes. "My name is Yuki." Kyou looked at the mouse, their eyes
meeting.
After a short moment, Kyou quietly said "I know."
Yuki smiled and grabbed Kyou's wrist, tugging him down. "Come on, we
have to run, or that dumb old dog will hog the swing." Kyou
followed, excitedly as they ran ahead of the others down the hill.
Feeling as if I had just witnessed something magical, I gasped, not
realizing how close I had gotten. Shigure looked up to see me
there. The other children had already started down after the two
boys. In his odd fashion, I would grow to like, he smiled at me and
winked.
After that, Yuki and Kyou became very good friends, along with Haru
and Momiji. Though the older boys were beginning to discover life,
and school and things out side the Sohma influence. Shigure had
been the first Sohma ever to insist on attending a coed high school,
taking Hatori and Ayame with him. Kyou and Yuki would often get
together at the Sohma residence to play, Kyou sometimes getting in
trouble for not coming when he was called. His mother would hover
and check the bracelet constantly, afraid that it would come off.
Yet he didn't seem to mind.
Someone did though. Just as I thought Kyou might turn out all right,
disaster struck.
At the New Year's festival, Akito, in a fit of rage and jealousy,
caught Kyou and ripped the bracelet from his wrist. It was raining
heavily. In front of almost one-hundred of the inner Juunishi circle
family members, a lonely little boy turned into the most sickening
monster imaginable.
We were all shocked. Even I had never seen the Evil Cat of the
Juunishi before. Many of the guests threw up from the smell.
Several women screamed. The loudest of them was his own mother. She
fainted. The creature let out a harrowing mix between a roar and a
scream tearing around the room, before bolting for the door. No one
stood in its way. It ran out into the night and the rain.
I watched it with shock and revulsion, even as I felt ashamed of my
fear. I looked back. Akito stood at the head of the room, a sick
grin twisting his childish face. Yuki stood beside him, eyes wide
with horror. Even has he stared ahead with glassy eyes, the head of
the Sohma clan began whispering to the smaller boy, what evil little
things, I could not imagine. Kyou's pretty young mother was finally
coming to, and I felt something snap inside of me.
I strode over to the woman, kneeling down. I tried to speak gently.
I felt a little awkward, since she was older than I, but I put my
hand on her shoulder.
"Go after him."
She was sobbing now, and I bodily helped her up, trying to get her to
stand. She shook like a leaf and shook her had, blubbering all the
while. I felt a dread sense of desperation, knowing that poor lonely
child was out there.
"I'll go with you if you want, but please go after him."
But she only pulled away, collapsing again to the ground and sobbing
even harder. I felt my anger rising, and my still young voice
betrayed it. I grabbed her wrist and tried to pull her up again,
anger flaring.
"Woman, go after your son!"
"I can't." She shook her head, he face streaming tears. "I can't."
I let go, letting her drop to the ground once more.
"You disgust me," I said, my voice icy and strange to my own ears. I
looked around the room, at all those arrogant people who would rather
stay in the warm than bother with the cat at all. To them, he was
just a nuisance who ruined the party. "You all disgust me with your
arrogance and your blind hatred. He's just a child."
No one in the room answered. Even Shigure was silent, not sure what
to do. Why should he be? He was just a teenager. I left the room,
hurrying out into the night to find Kyou.
By the time I found the boy-turned-monster, Kyou was huddled in the
bottom of a hollowed tree in the woods. The smell pervaded the woods
around him, making it easy for me to locate him. He was shivering
and frightened. I felt that same wave of revulsion hit me as I
stared at the creature. But a sense of protectiveness I had grown
ever since I began watching this child took over and, more prominent
to me than the horrid form, was the look of fear and confusion in the
red eyes. I reached out, and the creature moved away as if my hand
was on fire.
"Don't be afraid, I won't hurt you," I said as gently as possible.
The creature didn't seem to hear me though. It cowered in the little
hollow and looked at me with eyes that were soon becoming animal,
losing the light that was human within them. Though I was now soaked
and shivering, I patiently waited by the tree.
When the rain finally stopped, the creature quietly faded and all
that was left, was a small boy, his open eyes dull and lifeless. I
tried to speak to him, but Kyou was hidden deep inside himself. He
was no longer afraid. He no longer was. He was in deep shock. I
dragged him out of the small hole. His body was completely limp in
my arms. Picking him up gently, I carried him back to the main house.
When I got there, his mother grabbed him roughly, quickly slipping
the bracelet back onto his little wrist. She hugged him to her
breast, crying "my baby. my baby." I felt sick as I watched her try
to convince herself she loved her child. In a strange way, I'm sure
she did. She loved him, but she hated him.
"Everything will be fine now baby." She looked into his dead
eyes. "Kyou? Kyou?"
Her fearful eyes wandered up to meet my own gray ones. I said
nothing. I could see the sudden fear and guilt and questioning in
her eyes and he didn't need to tell her what she had just done to her
own child.
Another scream filled the almost empty hall, startling the guests.
Two weeks later, Kyou's mother committed suicide.
So there I was, at the her funeral, standing with this boy who
refused to look at me at first, then raised his pain filled red eyes
to stare at me, defiance still in his voice, but laced with
desperation. His eyes were scared.
"It's not my fault. It's not my fault!"
I knelt down to look at him face to face.
"I know."
He stared at me, unbelieving before his eyes filled with tears until
they were spilling over and he finally released the pain of losing
his mother. I wanted to hug him, but I was afraid to. This life
wasn't going to be easy for him and at this point, the teacher in me
was telling me to leave him at this. Earn his trust, but don't try
to assure him that everything would be all right. Nothing is ever
all right in the Sohma family. Instead, I let him cry it all out
before telling him the good news.
Even though it wouldn't really be all right, from then on, it would
at least be better. With the help of Shigure, who seems always to
get what he wants from the mysterious Akito, I was able to take
custody of the young boy. His father was glad to get rid of him. I
wasn't sure what sort of task I had ahead of me, but I knew it
wouldn't be easy. However, with a light heart and a sense of
vindication from the guilt of never knowing my Grandfather, I took
his little hand and we started for my. no, our Dojo and home.
******
The first couple of weeks, he was like a shadow. He never talked.
He barely ate. He would cringe if I raised my voice, even a little.
I found myself suspecting that his father beat him. He never said
anything and neither did I. He would watch through the door as I
taught my other students and sometimes when I practiced in the
evening. When I actually let him know that I could see his little
face peeking in, he would pull away as if he were in trouble. So
every night, I explained to him that this was his home and that I
would take care of him.
One morning when I woke up a little bit earlier than usual, I found
him in the dojo, hitting the heavy bag, yelling "Kya! Kya!" as he
hit it, so adorably. When he saw me, he looked down. At this point,
he knew I wouldn't punish him, but he still looked ashamed.
Smiling I walked up to him. Once again, I knelt so we were both on
the same level.
"Would you like me to teach you too, Kyou?"
Quietly, but with hope in his eyes, he nodded. One week later, I
became "Shishou" to him. It warmed my heart like I never thought it
could. Even when he's troublesome, he makes me want to be a
father, though he's never given me that honorary. At first I was a
little hurt. However, soon I realized that he hated not only
likening me to his own father, but later on, he severely wanted to
keep his own shame from my name.
****
"But I don't want to."
I smiled and button the cuffs of his new shirt. I don't have a lot
of money, but I had managed to get him some decent school clothes.
Though I refused to show it, I could feel my heart swelling with
pride and regret as I got him ready to send off to school. I had
enjoyed his company so much. I loathed giving it up. It was a silly
feeling, this. He wasn't going anywhere, and yet, like any regular
parent, I felt sadness at seeing him grow up.
"Kyou," I said gently. "You've been here for a year now. It's about
time you got back to school. You don't want to fall behind do you?"
"No," he watched me pack his backpack with new school supplies. "But
I used to learn at home." He would never mention his parents.
"Well, I'm afraid I don't have time to teach you and run the dojo. I
wish I did. But you have to go to school like your cousins do."
A look of fierce anger that I have come to hate, screwed up his
little face. "I don't want to go to school with that mouse!" His
tone was far to full of hate for an eight year old. I was not sure
what happened between the two friends, but it all seemed to coincide
with his first transformation. I ignored it for the moment. I felt
anger inside at Yuki Sohma, but I never knew what happened so it was
not my place to judge. No one could say how they had begun to hate
each other.
"Well, you're not going to. I have a friend with a small school of
boys. He's more like a tutor."
"But Shishou. what if I."
I ruffled his hair. "Don't worry about changing." But my words
failed to assure him.
"I never want to change."
Finally, I took his wrists and held them in my hands, mindless of the
bracelet as the cool beads pressed into my palms.
"Kyou, you can't help what you are. The evil cat that lives inside
of you is not you, but it is part of you. You need to learn to
accept it."
"But nobody else does." Too much anger in such a small voice.
"I do." He looked at me, looking for truth, but I had nothing to
hide. I've never been ashamed of him. "And other people will too.
But you have to learn to accept what you are."
Eight years later, I'm still trying to teach him that lesson. He no
longer fights in school. or if he does, he doesn't tell me about
it. Even though he is still afraid of people, he faces them, if
ever so reluctantly. Now, he must face the biggest fear in his life
and I'm scared to death that he won't survive it. Yet, he's one of
the strongest souls I have ever known. He has endured through
amazing emotional hardships and still manages to keep that wild
spirit.
I have witnessed quite a few miracles as I've seen my son grow into
the young man he is today. The first great miracle, was that day
with Shigure. The second was the day I saw him smile for anyone
besides myself. Honda Tohru has stolen his heart and soothed his
angry, fearful soul. The third was when she brought him home, after
seeing his most horrid form. Watching her smile as she cradled the
sleeping cat in his arms was so magical, I too wanted to fall to my
knees and cry as Shigure had.
And now, something I never thought I would see. The boy he hates
more than anything else in this world besides himself, Yuki Sohma has
finally broken the ties of hatred. I can not be sure, but after my
dearest child was injured so severely, I thought I may lose him,
something has changed about Yuki. No longer does he regard Kyou with
the cold indifference of the past. Though they are still aloof with
one another, I can sometimes see a look of warmth, then confusion in
the mouse's eyes.
Kyou also has changed I think. Though he is still too weak to start
a fight, he seems to have somewhat dropped the guarded guise of hate
toward the mouse. I have even seen them talk a few times, in quiet
tones, with no malice on either side. Words that were once spat in
curses and insults, could now be construed as harsh teasing. There
is still bite to the words, but the hatred has curbed. And now, I
wonder again what happened to make them hate each other in the first
place. Somehow, I have a feeling they hardly know that themselves.
Like all the Sohmas, they are slaves to the curse, to tradition and
conditioning, even as I see Shigure trying to break those traditions.
So it is with a heavy heart that I realize I must return to the
dojo. Kyou lies sleeping on the bed in his room. We finally moved
him there last night. Hatori purchased a small space heater to warm
Kyou's usually cold room. He hates the cold, but he says that
keeping it cold will make him stronger. That's just Kyou's way. But
now, the room is uncomfortably warm. Hatori says Kyou's body is
still too weak to keep itself warm. Very much like an injured cat.
The drugs don't help, but they're necessary to dull the pain. Kyou
didn't want the pain dulled, but Tohru pleaded with him and so he
gave in. I think he would do anything for her. I only hope she
doesn't draw Yuki and Kyou back toward their hatred, since I know
Yuki feels the same for the angelic girl.
Kyou slowly opens his eyes as he hears me enter. He's groggy again
from the recent dose of painkillers, but he recognizes me and slowly
sits up.
"Shishou." He looks at me, looks into my eyes, sighs and nods. "You
have to go back. I understand." His gaze stays steady on me and I
feel the strength of his spirit again. However his fear finds its
way to his right hand which slowly rubs at the bare wrist of his
left. I move toward him and sit on the bed, smoothing back his hair.
"Kyou, I'm sorry I have to leave you." Kyou looks at me, pride in
his eyes.
"You don't have to be sorry, Shishou. I'm glad you came. You can't
always be there for me. I know that."
"You're wrong." I say calmly. He looks confused and his eyes are
questioning. I take his hand and he stares at it as if it were
foreign. I admit, neither of us were very touchy as he was growing
up. But now that I know I could have lost him, I am no longer afraid
to show my feelings to my son. "I am always here for you. I have to
back, but even if you need to come live with me, I will help you in
any way I can."
"Shishou," he says uncomfortably. "I need to handle this on my own.
I don't want to involve you in. this." He looks at his wrist.
"Kyou, we are all involved," I say calmly. "You are not to be the
outcast this time around. Shigure is determined."
"Shigure?" He questioned.
"Kyou," I said firmly. "I seldom talk to you about my grandfather
because I don't want you to think about him. However, he was a true
outcast in the previous generation. Not only did the Juunishi
outcast him, but they avoided each other. They only married if
Hatori's father told them to. They did as they were told and they
lived cold, lonely lives. Shigure has changed that for all of us.
Since he was a child, not only did he try to befriend Akito, but he
made it his mission to bring his cousins together as much as
possible."
Kyou snorted, crossing his arms. "That stupid dog." But I could see
his mind turning my words over and over. "He's the first one, I felt
I could talk to besides you."
He didn't say anything else, but I could tell, he was trying to think
of a way to confront the dog. "If I'm not around," I said, "you
should consider going to him. He's not as dumb as he makes out."
"I know that!" Kyou said defensively, before backing down. I just
smiled.
"I have to get going Kyou." My son nodded, but I could see in his
eyes that he wasn't quite ready. Slowly and carefully, I pulled the
injured boy into a hug; yet another thing he wasn't really used to,
but he sighed on my shoulder and wrapped his arms around me
gratefully, squeezing tight. "You're not alone, my son." I could
feel him nod into my chest.
"I'll be all right," he said determinedly. I got up, ruffled his
hair and walked to the door. "I'll make you proud to call me son."
I almost choked on my words before I walked out the door. "You
already have."
I went downstairs to the bathroom, splashing my face with water. As
I headed out the door, I nearly collided with the young mouse of the
Juunishi. "Sorry!" He said and he set his schoolbag on the floor and
bowed low to me. He looked unnerved. There was a look of exhaustion
and what seemed to be fear in his eyes when I first saw them. Now
though, as he came up from his bow, he seemed calm again.
"You're leaving sensei?"
"Yes," I answered. "I'm afraid I must go back. though I don't want
to leave him." I admitted, silently asking my student for a bit of
help. He did not fail in noticing this.
"Kyou will be all right, Sensei," he assured. "That stupid cat
doesn't know the meaning of the words `give up'."
I bowed low to him, showing him how grateful I truly was. "Thank you
for all you've done, Yuki."
He seemed to want to argue with this, but he merely looked at the
floor. "Sensei," he uttered, unsure of what to say. I put a hand on
his shoulder.
"Please call if I can do anything." I walked out the door, heading
for the bus station. I could feel the mouse's eyes on me as I walked
away. Though I feared for the future of my boy, I felt no regret for
leaving him. He was strong. His spirit would endure and I realized
as I left, that a spirit can never be completely broken. Spirits
don't die. They may fade, but they will always return, and, like a
rose, if they are treated properly, though it may take a long time,
they can be made to bloom again.
I hoped that perhaps my grandfather's spirit might be watching me
now. I hoped that perhaps he would be proud to call me his
grandson.
One-shot, side story. This story takes place after chapter seven.
It is from Kazuma's POV concerning Kyou's childhood.
Just so you guys know, I love Kazuma. He's one of the neatest
characters in the series and he's so important in Kyou's life.
Though he won't be a huge part of this fic, I think it's important
that he is recognized for the wonderful guy he is.
This can be read separately from EQAB, but if you haven't yet read
it, it is hoped that this side story might pique your interest!
Enjoy!
"To Break a Spirit"
By Caer, and in conglomeration with Triste
Rating - PG-13
How do you break a spirit?
I never knew my grandfather. He was kept in a cage most of his
life. Though I had seen him, hiding in the shadows of his cell,
watching as we played in the garden, I had never ventured close.
Then, one day, I had been skipping across the cobbles and had not
noticed how near I was to the place I feared so much. A hand
reached through the bars, startling me, my young eyes going wide. In
that hand, was a small riceball.
"Kazuma-kun. I have some candy for you. Would you like it?"
He held the candy through the bars in his frail bony hand. For the
first time I saw him clearly. In hindsight, he was a gentle looking
man. There was no malice in those eyes. But there was no fire
either. He was broken. A pathetic, broken, kindly old man who
wanted one last chance to maybe get to know his grandson.
That isn't what I saw that day. I saw the shadows behind him, the
bars in front of him, the symbol of disgust and putridity that
encircled his wrist in the form of a simple beaded bracelet. In that
moment, he was fear itself. I had been told never to take candy from
strangers. He was more and less than a stranger and I could have
simply told him so, but in the naïve tactless act of a child, I
shrank away from him.
"I don't want it. I'll get cursed."
His eyes were sad. "Ah. Is that so?" he asked simply. And that was
it. He drew his hand back and before another cursed word could
escape his lips and reach my ears, I was running. I rejoined my
friends, said nothing, and the moment was forgotten in another game
of hide and go seek, or king of the hill. I don't remember what
game. However, the moment was never lost to me. Especially when
shortly afterward, the news came that my Grandfather had passed away;
though at the time, I felt no guilt. The news was inconsequential
compared to the trials and tribulations of childhood.
It wasn't until I saw the new Cat of the Juunishi curse that things
began to become clear to me, just as I began to grow up.
I was still living in the main house and attending the Juunishi
events. My father was the Tiger of the Juunishi, though he died a
few years later, passing his own curse to little Kisa.
Kyou was a sickly child. He was fraught with colic and cried
constantly. Of course the Sohmas only talked of the child being
troublesome. No one seemed to notice the fact that the parents hated
their own child. His mother, also was constantly sick. The father
was hardly present at the events, refusing to even acknowledge his
own son. Being the parents, they were included, and then rejected as
was custom.
I began to watch as Kyou grew up, and my disgust of the Sohmas grew
with every year. Kyou was an adorable child, even with his
sicknesses. But he was forever alone. He was home-schooled by his
mother. She never let him go outside. The only time he ever played
with other children, it was when the young cousins would gather
together. But they had been fed the same line that I had when I was
young. That the cat was worthless and troublesome. That he didn't
really belong.
Then one day, I realized things were changing. Had I been closer to
the Juunishi circle after my father's death, I might have seen it
sooner.
It happened that one day, I was visiting the main house, when by
chance, I looked outside. It was close to the New Year. All the
young cousins were playing outside while the adults were cooking and
preparing. As usual, Kyou was sitting alone on the steps, reading
a book. Even at seven years old, I could see that Kyou was a bright
child.
I was too far away to hear, but out of the blue, Kyou looked up.
Shigure, who was a little younger than I, was teasing him, a look of
mischief on his face. Ayame was standing close by, laughing. The
teen dog of the Juunishi grabbed the book out of the little boy's
hands. Kyou immediately started yelling, that much, I could hear.
Shigure simply held the book higher and backed away from the
advancing boy, laughing and refusing to give it back. Finally, the
little redhead got angry, and he marched right up to the playful dog
and kicked him in the shin, causing the dog to yelp and drop the book.
Ayame laughed, already showing signs of being loud and unruly. He
dramatically grabbed Shigure, lowering him to the ground. Shigure,
playing along, put a hand to his head and moaned in pain. I almost
laughed aloud.
As I inched closer, I heard Ayame saying that Shigure would need
surgery. Kyou was looking on, with interest, hesitant. afraid to try
to play along, just in case he was being teased. At first I had
thought to put a stop to the teasing. However as I watched the
interest on Kyou's face, I staid my hand and waited. Now, Yuki, Haru
and Momiji were watching the display as well.
Kyou looked at Shigure before his eyes hardened and he decided he
wasn't buying it.
"He doesn't need surgery," I heard him say in a slightly unsure tone
of voice. "I didn't kick him that hard."
The two older boys just started laughing and Shigure sat up. "We
should all go down to the swimming hole! You wanna come along?"
Kyou looked up at him, surprised. He looked hesitantly back toward
the Sohma house, his little red eyes hopeful but unsure. He knew
undoubtedly, that his mother wouldn't allow it. Still he looked up
shyly and nodded.
"Okay."
With that, the young mouse of the Juunishi clan approached Kyou,
looking delicate even as a child, he looked at the cat with curious
eyes. "My name is Yuki." Kyou looked at the mouse, their eyes
meeting.
After a short moment, Kyou quietly said "I know."
Yuki smiled and grabbed Kyou's wrist, tugging him down. "Come on, we
have to run, or that dumb old dog will hog the swing." Kyou
followed, excitedly as they ran ahead of the others down the hill.
Feeling as if I had just witnessed something magical, I gasped, not
realizing how close I had gotten. Shigure looked up to see me
there. The other children had already started down after the two
boys. In his odd fashion, I would grow to like, he smiled at me and
winked.
After that, Yuki and Kyou became very good friends, along with Haru
and Momiji. Though the older boys were beginning to discover life,
and school and things out side the Sohma influence. Shigure had
been the first Sohma ever to insist on attending a coed high school,
taking Hatori and Ayame with him. Kyou and Yuki would often get
together at the Sohma residence to play, Kyou sometimes getting in
trouble for not coming when he was called. His mother would hover
and check the bracelet constantly, afraid that it would come off.
Yet he didn't seem to mind.
Someone did though. Just as I thought Kyou might turn out all right,
disaster struck.
At the New Year's festival, Akito, in a fit of rage and jealousy,
caught Kyou and ripped the bracelet from his wrist. It was raining
heavily. In front of almost one-hundred of the inner Juunishi circle
family members, a lonely little boy turned into the most sickening
monster imaginable.
We were all shocked. Even I had never seen the Evil Cat of the
Juunishi before. Many of the guests threw up from the smell.
Several women screamed. The loudest of them was his own mother. She
fainted. The creature let out a harrowing mix between a roar and a
scream tearing around the room, before bolting for the door. No one
stood in its way. It ran out into the night and the rain.
I watched it with shock and revulsion, even as I felt ashamed of my
fear. I looked back. Akito stood at the head of the room, a sick
grin twisting his childish face. Yuki stood beside him, eyes wide
with horror. Even has he stared ahead with glassy eyes, the head of
the Sohma clan began whispering to the smaller boy, what evil little
things, I could not imagine. Kyou's pretty young mother was finally
coming to, and I felt something snap inside of me.
I strode over to the woman, kneeling down. I tried to speak gently.
I felt a little awkward, since she was older than I, but I put my
hand on her shoulder.
"Go after him."
She was sobbing now, and I bodily helped her up, trying to get her to
stand. She shook like a leaf and shook her had, blubbering all the
while. I felt a dread sense of desperation, knowing that poor lonely
child was out there.
"I'll go with you if you want, but please go after him."
But she only pulled away, collapsing again to the ground and sobbing
even harder. I felt my anger rising, and my still young voice
betrayed it. I grabbed her wrist and tried to pull her up again,
anger flaring.
"Woman, go after your son!"
"I can't." She shook her head, he face streaming tears. "I can't."
I let go, letting her drop to the ground once more.
"You disgust me," I said, my voice icy and strange to my own ears. I
looked around the room, at all those arrogant people who would rather
stay in the warm than bother with the cat at all. To them, he was
just a nuisance who ruined the party. "You all disgust me with your
arrogance and your blind hatred. He's just a child."
No one in the room answered. Even Shigure was silent, not sure what
to do. Why should he be? He was just a teenager. I left the room,
hurrying out into the night to find Kyou.
By the time I found the boy-turned-monster, Kyou was huddled in the
bottom of a hollowed tree in the woods. The smell pervaded the woods
around him, making it easy for me to locate him. He was shivering
and frightened. I felt that same wave of revulsion hit me as I
stared at the creature. But a sense of protectiveness I had grown
ever since I began watching this child took over and, more prominent
to me than the horrid form, was the look of fear and confusion in the
red eyes. I reached out, and the creature moved away as if my hand
was on fire.
"Don't be afraid, I won't hurt you," I said as gently as possible.
The creature didn't seem to hear me though. It cowered in the little
hollow and looked at me with eyes that were soon becoming animal,
losing the light that was human within them. Though I was now soaked
and shivering, I patiently waited by the tree.
When the rain finally stopped, the creature quietly faded and all
that was left, was a small boy, his open eyes dull and lifeless. I
tried to speak to him, but Kyou was hidden deep inside himself. He
was no longer afraid. He no longer was. He was in deep shock. I
dragged him out of the small hole. His body was completely limp in
my arms. Picking him up gently, I carried him back to the main house.
When I got there, his mother grabbed him roughly, quickly slipping
the bracelet back onto his little wrist. She hugged him to her
breast, crying "my baby. my baby." I felt sick as I watched her try
to convince herself she loved her child. In a strange way, I'm sure
she did. She loved him, but she hated him.
"Everything will be fine now baby." She looked into his dead
eyes. "Kyou? Kyou?"
Her fearful eyes wandered up to meet my own gray ones. I said
nothing. I could see the sudden fear and guilt and questioning in
her eyes and he didn't need to tell her what she had just done to her
own child.
Another scream filled the almost empty hall, startling the guests.
Two weeks later, Kyou's mother committed suicide.
So there I was, at the her funeral, standing with this boy who
refused to look at me at first, then raised his pain filled red eyes
to stare at me, defiance still in his voice, but laced with
desperation. His eyes were scared.
"It's not my fault. It's not my fault!"
I knelt down to look at him face to face.
"I know."
He stared at me, unbelieving before his eyes filled with tears until
they were spilling over and he finally released the pain of losing
his mother. I wanted to hug him, but I was afraid to. This life
wasn't going to be easy for him and at this point, the teacher in me
was telling me to leave him at this. Earn his trust, but don't try
to assure him that everything would be all right. Nothing is ever
all right in the Sohma family. Instead, I let him cry it all out
before telling him the good news.
Even though it wouldn't really be all right, from then on, it would
at least be better. With the help of Shigure, who seems always to
get what he wants from the mysterious Akito, I was able to take
custody of the young boy. His father was glad to get rid of him. I
wasn't sure what sort of task I had ahead of me, but I knew it
wouldn't be easy. However, with a light heart and a sense of
vindication from the guilt of never knowing my Grandfather, I took
his little hand and we started for my. no, our Dojo and home.
******
The first couple of weeks, he was like a shadow. He never talked.
He barely ate. He would cringe if I raised my voice, even a little.
I found myself suspecting that his father beat him. He never said
anything and neither did I. He would watch through the door as I
taught my other students and sometimes when I practiced in the
evening. When I actually let him know that I could see his little
face peeking in, he would pull away as if he were in trouble. So
every night, I explained to him that this was his home and that I
would take care of him.
One morning when I woke up a little bit earlier than usual, I found
him in the dojo, hitting the heavy bag, yelling "Kya! Kya!" as he
hit it, so adorably. When he saw me, he looked down. At this point,
he knew I wouldn't punish him, but he still looked ashamed.
Smiling I walked up to him. Once again, I knelt so we were both on
the same level.
"Would you like me to teach you too, Kyou?"
Quietly, but with hope in his eyes, he nodded. One week later, I
became "Shishou" to him. It warmed my heart like I never thought it
could. Even when he's troublesome, he makes me want to be a
father, though he's never given me that honorary. At first I was a
little hurt. However, soon I realized that he hated not only
likening me to his own father, but later on, he severely wanted to
keep his own shame from my name.
****
"But I don't want to."
I smiled and button the cuffs of his new shirt. I don't have a lot
of money, but I had managed to get him some decent school clothes.
Though I refused to show it, I could feel my heart swelling with
pride and regret as I got him ready to send off to school. I had
enjoyed his company so much. I loathed giving it up. It was a silly
feeling, this. He wasn't going anywhere, and yet, like any regular
parent, I felt sadness at seeing him grow up.
"Kyou," I said gently. "You've been here for a year now. It's about
time you got back to school. You don't want to fall behind do you?"
"No," he watched me pack his backpack with new school supplies. "But
I used to learn at home." He would never mention his parents.
"Well, I'm afraid I don't have time to teach you and run the dojo. I
wish I did. But you have to go to school like your cousins do."
A look of fierce anger that I have come to hate, screwed up his
little face. "I don't want to go to school with that mouse!" His
tone was far to full of hate for an eight year old. I was not sure
what happened between the two friends, but it all seemed to coincide
with his first transformation. I ignored it for the moment. I felt
anger inside at Yuki Sohma, but I never knew what happened so it was
not my place to judge. No one could say how they had begun to hate
each other.
"Well, you're not going to. I have a friend with a small school of
boys. He's more like a tutor."
"But Shishou. what if I."
I ruffled his hair. "Don't worry about changing." But my words
failed to assure him.
"I never want to change."
Finally, I took his wrists and held them in my hands, mindless of the
bracelet as the cool beads pressed into my palms.
"Kyou, you can't help what you are. The evil cat that lives inside
of you is not you, but it is part of you. You need to learn to
accept it."
"But nobody else does." Too much anger in such a small voice.
"I do." He looked at me, looking for truth, but I had nothing to
hide. I've never been ashamed of him. "And other people will too.
But you have to learn to accept what you are."
Eight years later, I'm still trying to teach him that lesson. He no
longer fights in school. or if he does, he doesn't tell me about
it. Even though he is still afraid of people, he faces them, if
ever so reluctantly. Now, he must face the biggest fear in his life
and I'm scared to death that he won't survive it. Yet, he's one of
the strongest souls I have ever known. He has endured through
amazing emotional hardships and still manages to keep that wild
spirit.
I have witnessed quite a few miracles as I've seen my son grow into
the young man he is today. The first great miracle, was that day
with Shigure. The second was the day I saw him smile for anyone
besides myself. Honda Tohru has stolen his heart and soothed his
angry, fearful soul. The third was when she brought him home, after
seeing his most horrid form. Watching her smile as she cradled the
sleeping cat in his arms was so magical, I too wanted to fall to my
knees and cry as Shigure had.
And now, something I never thought I would see. The boy he hates
more than anything else in this world besides himself, Yuki Sohma has
finally broken the ties of hatred. I can not be sure, but after my
dearest child was injured so severely, I thought I may lose him,
something has changed about Yuki. No longer does he regard Kyou with
the cold indifference of the past. Though they are still aloof with
one another, I can sometimes see a look of warmth, then confusion in
the mouse's eyes.
Kyou also has changed I think. Though he is still too weak to start
a fight, he seems to have somewhat dropped the guarded guise of hate
toward the mouse. I have even seen them talk a few times, in quiet
tones, with no malice on either side. Words that were once spat in
curses and insults, could now be construed as harsh teasing. There
is still bite to the words, but the hatred has curbed. And now, I
wonder again what happened to make them hate each other in the first
place. Somehow, I have a feeling they hardly know that themselves.
Like all the Sohmas, they are slaves to the curse, to tradition and
conditioning, even as I see Shigure trying to break those traditions.
So it is with a heavy heart that I realize I must return to the
dojo. Kyou lies sleeping on the bed in his room. We finally moved
him there last night. Hatori purchased a small space heater to warm
Kyou's usually cold room. He hates the cold, but he says that
keeping it cold will make him stronger. That's just Kyou's way. But
now, the room is uncomfortably warm. Hatori says Kyou's body is
still too weak to keep itself warm. Very much like an injured cat.
The drugs don't help, but they're necessary to dull the pain. Kyou
didn't want the pain dulled, but Tohru pleaded with him and so he
gave in. I think he would do anything for her. I only hope she
doesn't draw Yuki and Kyou back toward their hatred, since I know
Yuki feels the same for the angelic girl.
Kyou slowly opens his eyes as he hears me enter. He's groggy again
from the recent dose of painkillers, but he recognizes me and slowly
sits up.
"Shishou." He looks at me, looks into my eyes, sighs and nods. "You
have to go back. I understand." His gaze stays steady on me and I
feel the strength of his spirit again. However his fear finds its
way to his right hand which slowly rubs at the bare wrist of his
left. I move toward him and sit on the bed, smoothing back his hair.
"Kyou, I'm sorry I have to leave you." Kyou looks at me, pride in
his eyes.
"You don't have to be sorry, Shishou. I'm glad you came. You can't
always be there for me. I know that."
"You're wrong." I say calmly. He looks confused and his eyes are
questioning. I take his hand and he stares at it as if it were
foreign. I admit, neither of us were very touchy as he was growing
up. But now that I know I could have lost him, I am no longer afraid
to show my feelings to my son. "I am always here for you. I have to
back, but even if you need to come live with me, I will help you in
any way I can."
"Shishou," he says uncomfortably. "I need to handle this on my own.
I don't want to involve you in. this." He looks at his wrist.
"Kyou, we are all involved," I say calmly. "You are not to be the
outcast this time around. Shigure is determined."
"Shigure?" He questioned.
"Kyou," I said firmly. "I seldom talk to you about my grandfather
because I don't want you to think about him. However, he was a true
outcast in the previous generation. Not only did the Juunishi
outcast him, but they avoided each other. They only married if
Hatori's father told them to. They did as they were told and they
lived cold, lonely lives. Shigure has changed that for all of us.
Since he was a child, not only did he try to befriend Akito, but he
made it his mission to bring his cousins together as much as
possible."
Kyou snorted, crossing his arms. "That stupid dog." But I could see
his mind turning my words over and over. "He's the first one, I felt
I could talk to besides you."
He didn't say anything else, but I could tell, he was trying to think
of a way to confront the dog. "If I'm not around," I said, "you
should consider going to him. He's not as dumb as he makes out."
"I know that!" Kyou said defensively, before backing down. I just
smiled.
"I have to get going Kyou." My son nodded, but I could see in his
eyes that he wasn't quite ready. Slowly and carefully, I pulled the
injured boy into a hug; yet another thing he wasn't really used to,
but he sighed on my shoulder and wrapped his arms around me
gratefully, squeezing tight. "You're not alone, my son." I could
feel him nod into my chest.
"I'll be all right," he said determinedly. I got up, ruffled his
hair and walked to the door. "I'll make you proud to call me son."
I almost choked on my words before I walked out the door. "You
already have."
I went downstairs to the bathroom, splashing my face with water. As
I headed out the door, I nearly collided with the young mouse of the
Juunishi. "Sorry!" He said and he set his schoolbag on the floor and
bowed low to me. He looked unnerved. There was a look of exhaustion
and what seemed to be fear in his eyes when I first saw them. Now
though, as he came up from his bow, he seemed calm again.
"You're leaving sensei?"
"Yes," I answered. "I'm afraid I must go back. though I don't want
to leave him." I admitted, silently asking my student for a bit of
help. He did not fail in noticing this.
"Kyou will be all right, Sensei," he assured. "That stupid cat
doesn't know the meaning of the words `give up'."
I bowed low to him, showing him how grateful I truly was. "Thank you
for all you've done, Yuki."
He seemed to want to argue with this, but he merely looked at the
floor. "Sensei," he uttered, unsure of what to say. I put a hand on
his shoulder.
"Please call if I can do anything." I walked out the door, heading
for the bus station. I could feel the mouse's eyes on me as I walked
away. Though I feared for the future of my boy, I felt no regret for
leaving him. He was strong. His spirit would endure and I realized
as I left, that a spirit can never be completely broken. Spirits
don't die. They may fade, but they will always return, and, like a
rose, if they are treated properly, though it may take a long time,
they can be made to bloom again.
I hoped that perhaps my grandfather's spirit might be watching me
now. I hoped that perhaps he would be proud to call me his
grandson.