Chapter 4: One is the Loneliest Number

Severus crouched in his garden, observing a small, withered plant. It grew without any special care in England, but the dry, rocky soil in his region of Greece didn't seem to work on the herb. Sighing, he closed his eyes and touched the soil next to the plant's roots. He felt the familiar rush of calmness and opened his eyes to inspect his work. The withered leaves had straightened and even as he watched, small buds opened into white flowers, peppered with red dots. He poured more water into the soil and straightened, satisfied.

Throwing one last look at the herb, he muttered to himself.

'It should have mature fruit by tomorrow. Maybe I pushed too much; I should get up early in case they shrivel.'

A quiet, melodious laugh sounded behind his back.

'I see you have not lost your touch, my dear.'

He swirled around quickly, pointing his wand at the intruder. A small, white-haired woman with ageless features stood before him, green eyes shining. He quickly relaxed and approached her.

'Vesna! I have not seen you in a decade! I thought you don't leave your grove anymore.'

The woman smiled radiantly and took his hands.

'It is true; I rarely leave my home. I wanted to talk to you, Severus. I felt a disturbance several months ago, I felt your life was slipping away from you.'

Severus' features stilled and he exhaled loudly.

'Yes, Vesna, I came very close to dying.'

The woman nodded solemnly.

'I also felt something else, a new Wielder. I felt it on the exact same spot where your life force was leaking. Do you know anything about it?'

Severus raked his fingers through his hair and nodded.

'Yes, I know her. She did it unconsciously in order to heal me. She reached through the soil to power her magic. Some was left over and a flower grew on that exact spot. That is how I knew she could Wield.'

'She doesn't know? I haven't felt her since then.'

'I was not certain until you confirmed it just now. Is that what you do all day? Sit under your tree and listen to the fluctuations in the force?'

Vesna smiled serenely.

'Yes, I do indeed. I feel good in my grove, Severus and there are few people I want to see. But you, you are too young to close yourself away from the world.'

'The world does not care much for me, neither I for it,' grumbled Severus. 'I hate to bear those sycophants whispering behind my back. Nobody is going to forget what I did as a Death Eater, Vesna.'

Vesna reached up and smoothed his furrowed brow with her small hand.

'You did things; it is true. But your soul has remained unblemished, if you can still Wield, Severus. Nobody can take that away from you. Go, find this girl, and teach her our ways. She is very powerful and she should not be left untrained.'

He threw her a dark look.

'You remember what happened the last time I taught Wielding to someone.'

'It is not the same. He is dead. Have you considered that without your instruction, he would never have been defeated in the first place?'

'I know Vesna, but it didn't save her life.'

'You cannot save everyone, Severus. Sad as it is, it was her time to go. I miss her too. But you need to let go and forgive yourself. Please, think about it. If you need me, only call out and I will come to you.'

The woman kissed his forehead and took a step back. A slight shimmer and she was gone.

Severus sighed and his shoulders sagged. Slowly, he walked into the cottage and retrieved a small photo album. He sat in the shade of a large fig tree and looked through the album for a long time. Finally, he closed it and let it drop to the ground, remembering the past and fearing the future.

Hermione awoke reluctantly, squinting at the bright light flowing in through the window. Her eyes felt gritty and swollen from all the crying. As the events from the previous days overwhelmed her, she briefly considered staying in bed. The world didn't seem as particularly a friendly place to Hermione Granger, but finally she stirred and sat upright. The movement made her dizzy; had she eaten yesterday? Had she eaten at all since returning from Brisbane? She couldn't quite remember, but it didn't seem to matter. Slowly, as if her whole body was in pain, she stood up. A nagging noise coming from the window grated on her nerves. She supposed it was an owl, but she didn't really want to read any letters. She didn't want to think, thinking hurt too much. She entered the bathroom, turned on the hot tap, and started to remove her clothes. When she walked under the shower, the water was already scalding hot and she could barely see across the thick fog. She caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror—she looked like a ghost in the foggy glass. That's what I am, a ghost, she thought. The water burned her skin, but it helped against the cold welling up inside her. She felt that if she gave in to the inner turmoil that wracked her brain, she would dissipate amongst the thick clouds of vapour.

Hermione washed her body and hair with stiff movements, like an automaton. She dried off and dressed in the same fashion, still ignoring the insistent tapping on the window. Going downstairs, she put on the kettle and made tea. She sat at the table and poured herself a cup, without bothering with sugar and milk. Something inside her struggled wildly to come out, to scream, but she felt she couldn't even cry anymore.

She could not clearly remember for how long she sat on the table, when she was alerted by the click of the front door. A male voice called out hesitantly, 'Hermione?' That accent...she furrowed her brow and a moment later her eyes widened in recognition, just as the man walked into the kitchen. She stood up and stared at him.

'Viktor? Is that you?'

He looked different from the last time she saw him at Fleur and Bill's wedding. Dressed in a dusty travelling cloak, with stubbles on his chin, he looked older and more worn-out. His smile hadn't changed though, the rare smile reserved for his friends, which transformed his usual sullen countenance. He crossed over to the table in two long strides and gave her a brief, tight hug, before releasing her. She returned the smile and asked, feeling a little confused.

'I am glad to see you, but what are you doing in England?'

'I am on official visit with our Minister. I met Harry at the Ministry and he gave me the address and the wards. I sent you an owl, you did not answer, and so I came to visit.'

Hermione suddenly remembered the persistent tapping on the window. Feeling guilty, she mumbled something about sleeping in late and offered Viktor some tea. Reaching out for the teapot, she found it was cold. She frowned; how long had she been sitting there? She made a fresh pot, all the time feeling Viktor's eyes boring into her back. He didn't say a word, but she could feel his unwavering gaze and it made her uncomfortable. When she set the teapot and cups on the table, she heard a sharp intake of breath. Viktor was staring at her hands with murder in his eyes. When she looked closely, she noticed that her skin was red and puffy. He reached across the table and took them carefully in his own. She winced, feeling the effect of her morning shower.

'Hermione, has someone hurt you? What has happened? Harry said you were ill yesterday; today you didn't answer my owl. Please, tell me! Are we not still friends?'

Hermione's eyes welled at his fierce concern.

'No, Viktor please calm down. I had a lot on my mind this morning and I ran the shower too hot. It's not only my hands.'

She lifted her sleeve to confirm her words. He gasped at the sight of the damaged skin and muttered something in Bulgarian under his breath. He picked up his wand, touched it to her hand, and said, 'Hladno.' A wonderful coolness spread across her skin. When she looked at her hand, it was white and her skin didn't hurt anymore. Viktor sheathed his wand, content.

'It will spread over your whole body in several minutes. My mother used it on me when I had sunburn—it heals the skin and calms the nerves.'

Hermione shot him a grateful look and busied herself with pouring tea. She felt dizzy, her mind was still struggling to shake the numbness from that morning; too much had happened during the last few days. Viktor's visit was unexpected, they weren't very close anymore, but she still had warm feelings for the surly Bulgarian. Not romance though, and it seemed he didn't feel anything of that sort either. The only emotions on his face were those of a concerned friend. And I could use a concerned friend right about now...

'Hermione? Please tell me what is wrong. It is not only the burns, you don't look like yourself.'

She looked at him with a frown.

'What do you mean?'

Viktor sighed and proffered his hand.

'Come.'

He carefully led her to the full-size mirror in the hallway. When Hermione actually looked at herself, she gasped in horror. Her face was deathly pale and she had dark circles under her eyes. Even after Viktor's cooling charm, there were red blotches on her skin. Her clothes hung on her frame; her shirt was inside out. What frightened her the most was the emptiness of the eyes that met her in the mirror. She turned away.

Viktor gently grasped her hand and led her back to the couch.

'What has happened to my Hermione? This is no illness, something is eating at you from the inside.'

She looked sharply into his eyes. Had he been reading her mind?

'I have been there, Hermione. I have seen this look on people around me. I know you went through a lot this year, but the battle was months ago.'

He hit so close to home that Hermione had to avert her eyes from his to hide the tears that threatened to spill. Yet a part of her rejoiced, I can still cry...I am alive!

Viktor quietly spoke again.

'That is it then? It haunts you still?'

And then the dam broke free and the tears spilled. Through hiccoughs and sobs, she managed to recount the whole story—the battle, her nightmares, the correspondence with Snape, and her gleam of hope. Then, she continued with the deaths of her parents, her distance from her friends, and Harry and Ginny's engagement. When she finally stopped speaking, she conjured a handkerchief to wipe her nose and eyes and looked at Viktor.

'I don't even know why I'm telling you all this. I couldn't tell anyone up until now.'

He seemed angry.

'You went through this by yourself?'

She nodded. 'Professor Snape knows about my nightmares. He told me to speak to somebody but I couldn't. And now my parents...'

'You live with Ron and Harry. They claim to be your friends. How could they not notice? Forgive me, but you are a mess! I know we have grown apart, Hermione, but I care a great deal about you! You are one of the nicest people I know and I hate to see you like this. '

'You caught me off guard, Viktor. I always hold myself up when I am with them. I usually wear robes and they hide how thin I've become. Merlin, even I hadn't noticed. Besides, things were never as bad as this morning.'

Viktor's look was murderous; he was clutching his wand and cursing in Bulgarian.

'Do not blame them. They had their own demons to conquer. They've always thought of me as the strong one and I didn't give them any reason to think otherwise.'

'They should have seen it. I saw it and I am not as close to you as they are.'

'Maybe that's why you saw it; they see me every day, and it is harder to notice a change. Besides, we all have our odd moments since the battle. Harry sometimes locks himself in Sirius' old room and when he comes out, I can see he has been crying. He keeps his old photo albums there, photos of his parents, Sirius, and Remus. Ron used to get this haunted look every time he set eyes on George.'

Viktor stood up and started to pace around the room in agitation.

'Yes, but they do not look like starved wraiths! Do not give me that look, you saw yourself in the mirror. From what you have told me, they both have something to hold on to. Harry has his girl...Ginnny? Ronald has his family. What do you have Hermione? They are your friends, yet you keep away from them.'

'I just feel like I don't belong with them anymore. As if they're one big, happy family and I'm a distant relative who has not been invited to the party.'

Viktor pursed his lips and asked, 'Hermione, have you considered studying abroad?'

All colour drained from Hermione's face. Her lips trembled and she swayed precariously.

'I forgot! How could I forget? Bloody Merlin, I am so messed up!' she roared and threw her cup across the room. Viktor grabbed her hand.

'Hermione, what is the matter? Did I upset you?'

'No, it's my application letters. I was supposed to send them a month ago; they probably filled all the available positions already.'

'What are you planning to study?'

'Potions.'

'Problem solved. Come with me to Bulgaria.'

Hermione looked at him in disbelief.

'As of this year, there is a Master Program in Potions in our university. Master Borisov left Durmstrang and returned home. I am sure he would take you. If you are away from England and all the people and places associated with the war, you could gain a new perspective and maybe your bad memories would stop haunting you.'

Hermione stared at her friend in awe.

'When did you grow up so much?'

He gave her a wry smile.

'Since the Triwizard Tournament, Hermione—as we all did.'

Hermione buried her head in her hands and groaned.

'I must have fallen through the Looking Glass. My mind is messed up, my parents are dead, my friends are drifting away, and here you come, my knight in shining armour, sprouting wise words and offering to take me away from all this.' She started giggling, while tears welled up in her eyes. Viktor drew himself up, throwing her an uneasy look, which made her giggle even more. He could be all grown up and smart, but he was just as uncomfortable around a hysterical female as Ron and Harry were. After a while, she managed to compose herself and wiped her eyes.

'I don't know Viktor. I have to think about it. I...I have to gather my wits, I haven't been feeling like myself for so long'

A whoosh from the fireplace disturbed the pensive silence and Harry's head appeared in the flames.

'Mione, are you there?'

Hermione walked over and crouched in front of the fire.

'I'm here, Harry, what is it?'

He gasped and she suddenly remembered her appearance.

'That's it. Move, I'm coming through!'

He stumbled from the fireplace in a whirlwind of Auror robes and soot, quickly grasping her shoulders and staring into her eyes. His face crumbled and he whispered, 'Mione, what in the blazes has happened to you? I met Master Stevenson from Oxford today and asked him about your application. He said he never received one. You said you were ill yesterday and now you look as if a Hippogriff stampeded all over you. Please, speak to me!'

Moved by the intense look in his green eyes, Hermione sniffled and looked away.

'You should have done that some time ago, Harry.'

Harry turned around and saw Viktor glaring at him from the table. He narrowed his eyes and gritted through his teeth, 'Did you do something to her, Krum? If you did, I swear…'

'If you do not trust me, why did you give me access to the house? All I did was talk to her. When was the last time you bothered to do that?' Viktor stood up and picked up his cloak.

'I will leave you alone now, you have much to talk about' he said to Hermione. 'Owl me at the Leaky Cauldron if you want to see me, and think about what I said.' He planted a chaste kiss on her forehead and walked out.

Hermione sighed and looked into Harry's questioning eyes.

'I think you'd better sit down. And please, Floo Ron and Ginny and ask them to come over. I don't want to go through this again with them.'

After Hermione finished her tale, there were tears in everyone's eyes. At some point, Ginny had walked over to her friend and was still holding her hand as she finished speaking. She bowed her head and almost sobbed.

'Hermione, I am so sorry. I knew about the nightmare you had in the Burrow, but I never thought to ask about it later.'

Harry interrupted, 'It's not only your fault. We were all a bunch of insensitive gits.' Turning to Hermione, he asked, his voice cracking, 'Mione, did we really make you feel unwanted?'

Hermione smiled weakly.

'It wasn't really your fault. In the beginning, I didn't want to bother you as I thought it was something temporary. Later, I was so messed up from lack of sleep and guilt that I probably started imagining things. Right now, I can't believe how foolish I have been and how far I let it proceed. It's a good thing Viktor came along.'

Ron frowned at that.

'Mione, how come you never spoke to us, yet you spoke to someone you haven't seen in years?'

'Well, he saw me looking like death warmed over and asked what was wrong. I opened my mouth and it all came out. I don't really know what exactly happened.'

Ron continued, still distraught.

'Why didn't you tell us about your parents yesterday? Did you really think we wouldn't care?'

Ginny glared at her brother.

'She was in shock, Ron. And we didn't exactly let her speak before I flashed my ring at her. What was she supposed to say, "Congratulations, by the way, my parents are dead?" She felt left out, Harry has become a part of our family and she had just lost hers.'

Hermione smiled gratefully at Ginny for her insight.

'That's just about right. I'm sorry about keeping it from you, but my mind was a mess. Merlin, I'm still coming out of this whole thing. I feel so much better now that you know. Maybe those blasted nightmares will stop now, just as Professor Snape supposed.'

Harry looked at her with some curiosity.

'How did you get the idea to write to him of all people?'

'I'm not quite sure; maybe it was because he was so nice to me when we spoke in the infirmary. And I thought he was familiar with the consequences from…traumatic experiences. He gave me sound advice, so it was a good decision. He said something about being familiar with these sorts of feelings, it's called "survivor's guilt".'

Harry reached across the table and grasped her free hand, the other still in Ginny's firm grasp.

'Hermione, I think everyone who survived the battle has felt this at some point. I know I have. I keep asking myself whether I was fast enough, did I make all the right decisions, and could I have saved any of them. Finally, I decided that I did my best and what's done is done. You did everything in your power, and after all, you did save Professor Snape. Almost at the cost of your own life, if I might add.'

Hermione blanched. That thought had never actually crossed her mind and a warm feeling rose up inside her. As she quickly recounted his letter, she noticed that he had hinted subtly at the fact, maybe with the idea to remind her that she had, after all, saved at least him. A tentative smile crawled across her face. Her friends were watching her intently and mimicked her smile, sharing a look of relief.

The day had been emotionally draining for Hermione and her eyes started drooping as soon as she really felt the burden of her secrets lifted from her chest. Ginny noticed her friend's fatigue and quickly suggested an afternoon nap. Hermione's eyes grew wary at the notion of sleep, but Ginny hurried to explain.

'You said that Professor Snape advised you to sleep with another person in the room. I will take a book to read and I will stay with you all the time.' Hermione still looked dubious and Ginny huffed impatiently, 'You have to sleep at some point and we might as well try to see if this works.'

Hermione conceded and both girls headed upstairs, while Harry and Ron Flooed back to the Ministry. Hermione crawled into her bed and her eyes closed instantly. Ginny transfigured a shabby chair into a comfortable armchair and curled up with her book. She kept glancing at her sleeping friend, but Hermione showed no signs of discomfort. After three hours, she finally stirred and looked up at Ginny with eyes full of wonder.

'Do you realise,' she rasped, 'that this is the first time I woke up normally in a long time?'

Ginny smiled at her and closed her book.

'It seems that the good professor was right. Now, let's grab some dinner, it's seven o'clock already and I'm starving.'

Hermione found that her stomach was also making loud demands and the girls went to the kitchen to get some food. While they ate, two consecutive cracks sounded outside the front door and in a moment Harry and Ron joined them. Ron flopped down in an armchair and announced to the world:

'Apparition still makes me queasy, but Floo twice a day is more than enough.' He glanced at the table and whinged, 'Come on, Ginny, be a good sister, and make your tired brother something to eat.'

Ginny glared at him, but fixed him a sandwich nonetheless, as well as one for Harry. Ron bit into his and asked though a mouthful, 'What, no cooking today?' Before Ginny could draw a breath to yell at him, Hermione's clear voice interrupted.

'Honestly, Ronald, how many times do I have to tell you not to speak with your mouth full? It's revolting!'

At this, Harry grinned and walked over to her to give her a hug.

'Gee, I'm glad to have the old Hermione back.'

She threatened him with her fork and said smugly, 'I also didn't have any nightmares, thank you very much.'

This statement produced cheers from everyone and Ginny stood up.

'I'll Floo mum to tell her I'll be spending the night. I'll try to explain things to her and I'm sure she won't mind.'

While Ginny was talking to Mrs Weasley, Harry asked Hermione, 'What are you going to do about school? Isn't it late to send applications already?'

Hermione nodded.

'I guess it's late, but Viktor came up with an idea. If you don't mind, I'd like to invite him to dinner tomorrow to talk about it.'

'Sure, tell him to come over. I guess I'll have to apologise for acting like a prat.' He gave her a lopsided grin.

Hermione patted his hand.

'Don't worry, I'm sure he'll understand.'

Ginny came back and announced, 'Everything is settled. I'm feeling pretty knackered, so I'll just head upstairs to your room, Hermione.'

Hermione smiled at her with gratitude.

'Thanks for doing this, Gin. I'll be right up, I need to catch up on a lot of sleep.'

She rummaged around the room for ink, quill, and parchment and wrote a short letter to Viktor, inviting him to dinner on the next day. She Flooed the Leaky Cauldron, asked Tom to deliver her message and after hugging Harry and Ron, she went to her room. Ginny was already asleep, so Hermione changed quietly into her nightgown and slipped in bed. She glanced at the bottle of Dreamless Sleep Potion that still remained on her nightstand and smiled. She hoped she wouldn't need it anymore.

A/N: I decided that chapter 3 was way too short, so today you get a bonus chapter. Thanks for the reviews. :)
Three cheers for Gryffindor_Slytherin, my beta. This chapter's title belongs to Filter