*laughs * Sai is fun to write for, though a little unpleasant. For one thing, he's crazy, and filled with hate and bloodlust. Which makes him a hell of a lot of fun to write, but he is one of the characters who, when I write as, makes me want to scream. Have you ever tried to truly delve into the mind of a character? It isn't too bad until you get to a part where they're going crazy or having an emotional attack. This and Entry 6 were that kind of part.

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Entry 7

.. 3 Months 1 Week

Yako has started teaching me anatomy. It's the study of the human body. How did she know? How did she know that she should hide this from me? Why did she hide this from me? Maybe if she hadn't, I wouldn't be like this. So confused, so desperate.

But these text-book lessons aren't enough for me. It's not the same. They have pictures of cells, little 3-D models that are the size of your palm and completely inaccurate. These silly lessons aren't good enough for me, don't cover what I need to know. These don't show what makes a human. There is nothing in here of what makes a human a human. Yes, it shows their body, but it lacks the essence. The essence of a human being… These aren't enough. I've scoured every text-book she's brought, memorized every word, found that many of them I'd already read. These don't tell me what humans are. These aren't enough.

I can't stand this! What am I, really? I know what I'm supposed to be. Supposed to be… I'm supposed to be human, right? Yako treats me like I am. Yako. What a joke. She's never known anything about me, has she? She doesn't know how this is tearing me apart, this hate fills my heart and makes me want to screaming. WHAT AM I?! WHY CAN EVERYONE BUT ME KNOW, BE HAPPY IN THAT KNOWING?! WHAT AM I THAT DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO KNOW WHAT I AM?! I AM NOT HUMAN, BUT THERE IS NOTHING ELSE I CAN BE. WHAT AM I?! WHAT AM I?!

My only consolence is Neuro, in his very existence. He's always there, always watching over my shoulder when Yako tries to teach me trivial facts I already know, have always known. Lungs, heart, liver, kidneys, brain… I know all of these, know their structure, know them inside and out, their specifics. But it's not enough. I still don't know what a human is, what their cells show in their structure in their DNA in every part of them that is them. Even those cells know what I am when I don't! Neuro is always there, always watching, even when Yako doesn't know it. He's always there, watching, watching. Waiting? Waiting for what? What could he be waiting for? For me to go crazy, for me to have a breakthrough? I'm already losing my mind—I lost myself a long time ago. No… I don't think I ever had a self.

If I don't know what I am, how can I possibly know who I am? Hhow can I possibly have an identity without a species? What makes me me? Am I me? What is it that humans are? They attach themselves to such foolish, superficial things—like their faces, or their names, or their personalities. But what am I? Is Sai my name? Was it what I was born with? Does taht matter? Is the name the title given to someone by their parents when they are born, or can I name be just as true if they bestowed it upon themselves? Does a person change when they change their name? Does the previous person die, only to be repaced by a new person, a new identity. A face… Is it the same person if it always changes? What does that say aobut me, who changes as often as he breahts? Who am I? How will I ever know?

I can't take it anymore, and I've decided. I went out tonight, while Yako was sleeping. I snuck out through the window, ran down the streets. I leapt ten feet into the air and crushed my body through narrow gaps even the slenderest of children couldn't fit through. What am I? I'm not human, what does it matter? What am I?!

I was at a house. I don't know where, or how far it was from Yako-nee's house. I don't know how I got there, how I chose this one. But I went inside, shattering a window with my fist and ignoring the glint of glass caught in the lacerations in my hand, as my blood dripped over the frame and the grass.

I found a man asleep in a large bed at the top of the house. He was sleeping, sleeping as soundly as if he was dead. This human being. Human being? What made him human? What made him any more human than I was?

I turned into him, felt my cells take his shape. Did that mean I was human now? No, I still didn't feel like it. I still felt like myself. Does that mean that I'm human then? Or am I missing something, something crucial I never knew I was missing. Am I only taking on the surface form of a human, while the rest of me doesn't change? Then I must become nothing, and become this human.

My body melted into a green-blue goo and I enveloped the man. He screamed as my cells tore him apart cell-by-cell, analyzing every structure, every shape, every nuance of every object. In seconds I was done. I was myself again—the boy Sai, in the man's pajamas. Beside me sat a block of red cells, the ground meat of a human that I didn't need, that I couldn't use. Nothing. There had been nothing in that man's cells. Blood had spilled over the ground, staining his bed and hte carpet of his floor and his pajamas and my hair, but he sat beside me, a block of useless, meaningless cells.

He had been a human, hadn't he? But his cells had showed me nothing, nothing I didn't already know. Did he not have it, then? Taht knowledge of what a human was. Would another human know? Did any human know? His cells had, how could his mind? That foolish, ridiculous thing Yako seemed to take such stock in. No… No how could he not know?! How could my question still be unanswered?!

What is it then, where will I find it? When? Must I be in torment forever, wondering what I am, knowing I will never find it?

I returned to Yako's house, leaving the block of useless cells where I had found them. Cells without answer, now cells without life. What makes a human a human? Will I ever be one? Was I ever one? When will I learn what I am?