Okay, I am so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, SO sorry about not writing in such a long time!! Honestly, I just couldn't find inspiration and did not tell you guys, so I am so terribly sorry. Hopefully you can forgive me for leaving you.
But I'm here now, ready to give you a chapter (hopefully good enough to calm you down enough). And as an added bonus, I'm posting a one-shot later tonight, so keep your eyes open for that.
Bella
I woke up to the sound of someone breathing in my ear. Or was I in another dream? No, the dreaming had started as I entered the realm of sleep, though it still felt like I was conscious when I was floating. I had woken up various times during the night, each after having a flash of Mike hovering over me or the feel of white-hot waves flowing through my body. There was never any light when I had woken up, but I had always felt like there was something near me; something holding me down so that I couldn't escape, though I tried running away. Running and running and running and running…
I felt it now. I must be dreaming again. But why, after all that running towards the comforting sleep, had I been pulled back? I had no idea, but I knew for sure that I had been pulled back. Literally. My back crashed against something solid – a boulder perhaps – though it still seemed almost soft as I was pressed up against it. The same whooshing sound was heard and a light breeze seemed to warm my ear. I was afraid to open my eyes. Then I realized that the solid rock I was being pressed against was moving ever so slightly and the iron chains around my waist that bound me to the rocks were almost soft, too. They seemed to…relax every time the sticky air blew against the side of my face and my ear. And they were warm. Not warm like metal chains that had just been put over a fire or like the bread my mother used to bring to the house fresh from the baker's. Instead, it seemed as warm as when my cheeks flushed. It was not as much as when I said something embarrassing in front of the duke, yet not so little as when I stumbled lightly over something in the hallway and Angela was there. They were just warm. I tried to move my arms to feel them, but I couldn't move. I squirmed to free my right arm, but the chains just pulled me closer to the almost-soft rock, the force of their grip becoming stronger.
I was frightened, but confused. The world was black, and all I could feel was the hard rock and the chains binding me to it. Mike wasn't here as he had been in my other dreams, but maybe that was the point. There was nothing for me; no help, no companions, nothing to call my own. It was just me, useless and too weak to fight as I was captured and forced to stay in one spot as I was stripped of everything I had – my peers, my personal items, my personality; me.
Nobody came to help me, but a faint glow lit up the whole world for a split-second, making the whole world one shade lighter and causing multi-colored lights to streak across my vision. My senses heightened and suddenly I was more aware of my surroundings. Though my back was pressed against something solid and hard, my left side felt as if it was against nothing – just still air that seemed empty of any elements. My right side, however, felt as if it was resting on something softer than anything I had ever felt and my feet had a heavy material resting on them, as warm as the substance my right side was resting against. The chains around my waist tightened for a moment and the breeze tickled my ear.
"Bella," it breathed before the chains relaxed.
Everything seemed so realistic, and I was beginning to think I wasn't dreaming. I scratched my thigh with my long fingernails. It hurt a lot – I had possibly broken skin – but it didn't bring me out of the state I was in. I started to peel open my eyes. My left eye opened a sliver and a muted light came through my vision, making shapes appear. It was so unusual that if I wasn't sure I was awake, I would've thought that my mind was able to conjure up many magnificent images. It was all so strange. A red chair sat a little to the left of my vision and behind it was a giant window, covered with black curtains that matched the wooden legs on the chair. The walls were a muted gold with black stripes and the wood was almost black as well. The room seemed grand for all that I could tell.
I then realized that the iron chains were still around my waist. But they weren't iron, for I could feel them against my arms and they felt softer than iron; warmer. I looked down and saw that they were colored like flesh. No, they were flesh. Someone was holding me here. I immediately panicked, all the memories of yesterday flooding back to me, and I tried to wriggle out of the grasp of my unknown captor. I only succeeded in making him grasp me tighter, almost to the point that I couldn't breathe. I struggled against the hold, panicking as my breathing quickened, debating whether or not I wanted to see the face of the man who held me to him. I carefully turned in his arms so that I was facing him, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath before I was given my answer. I hesitantly opened my eyes, surprised to see who it was.
His lips were the first thing my eyes met – in sleep, they were parted slightly, and his sweet breath blew onto my face every time he let out a breath. His messy bronze hair was in even more disarray than ever, and it stuck up in various angles. His eyelids were closed over his bright green orbs, and the serious expression that usually pushed his brows closer together was wiped off his face, leaving it looking peaceful. And, even while sleeping, he looked almost like an angel, and I wanted to touch his face.
But then the situation caught up with me and I became frightened. I had been raped not twenty hours ago, and here Edward was, trapping me to him. It brought back a fresh round of horrid memories and silent tears, but even worse was the fact that this meant that we might as well have been sleeping together. Had he no respect?
I quickly wriggled out of his arms, scared as to what the intention of the duke's actions might have been. The blanket that had been on top of my feet slid onto the floor and got trampled as I stepped over it. I looked at myself, only to see almost every inch of me covered in bruises and then acknowledging the pain that I felt everywhere. My legs could barely hold me, but there was no way of knowing whether or not the duke had contributed to it. I was scared and the fact that the duke could've taken advantage of me as well was the only reason that I was strong enough to keep going out of the room – yet I had every wish to pound that torturously beautiful face of his. After all, he was without a shirt, though I had no idea about what lay under the sheets. I wasn't sure I wanted to find out.
I scurried as quickly as I could out of the room and down the marble stairs, my steps echoing throughout the halls. I passed by many of the household members, including Spoden, who I paid no attention to, and I gave the rest of them the same treatment as well. Until I came to the lady who had brought me in from last night, I talked to no one.
"Where did you put my dress?" I asked her, already heading to the large tub of water used to clean the clothes.
"It is here, but I'm afraid it's not quite dry yet," she explained. I shook my head, not caring whether or not it was dry.
"I do not mind. I just need to get going." I hurriedly took off my sleepwear for the night, my arms aching in the process, leaving the underwear still on, and changed into my servant's dress. The water that was still left on the fabric made the dress cling to my figure and I shivered at the temperature of the droplets that trailed down my back.
"Thank you," I whispered as I thrust the nightgown into her hands. I then bolted through the door and ran outside. I angled my head away from the gardens, but it was no use – the memories came back as painful as a kick in the gut. The staggering pain in my legs did as well.
As I ran, I became aware of the world around me. The sun was just barely breaking through the horizon, and the clouds were no longer dark and heavy like they had been just yesterday evening. The baker was coming into his shop when I passed him, but I did not return his greeting; I just wanted to get home.
Almost nobody was up yet, and those who were were just turning on their candles. I kept my head down, bowed against the fierce winds, and ran all the way to my home. I ran through the gate of Miss Tanya's estates, almost sprawling to the ground when my toe caught on the uneven stones.
As soon as I got into the building, I slammed the door shut, aware of the echoes that it and my footsteps made. Sophia was coming out of our chambers as I ran in and tried to ask me something, though I could think of nothing but the immense relief I felt when I finally fell onto the bed and my legs no longer had to support me.
I started to sob – huge, heaving sobs that made my body shake. The state of my clothes did nothing to help, and my tears only made my dress wetter. Sophia stood in the doorway, torn between whether to comfort me or go to her job. In the end, she disappeared from the doorway and came back a few moments later with Angela at her side. Angela scurried over to where I was and tried to soothe me, though no amount of whispered calming words could pull me out of my condition. So she just stayed there, helping me get through the moment until I had no more tears to cry. Finally, when I had almost gotten my breathing under control, she helped me out of my wet servant's dress and into dry clothes, brushing the knots out of my hair as I sat down on the bed.
"Bella, dear, what happened?" She asked innocently, though the flashes that came to mind were anything but innocent. Pictures of Mike hovering over me, pounding into me, and almost breaking me were becoming too much to bear. I started to shake, and she put a light hand on my shoulder, calming me with the touch. I gulped down air and shook my head, trying to dispel the images at the same time as telling Angela I didn't want to talk. She understood.
We sat there for another hour while I tried to calm down, eventually dropping my head on Angela's shoulder and falling asleep.
When I woke up, it was dark outside, with the sun just peeking out over the horizon. Was it dusk or was it dawn? I didn't know, but I didn't want to sleep in fear of another nightmare. Luckily I had been so exhausted and had a dreamless sleep for the most part, but a little while before I woke up, images had come to me in my dreams again, though they had been twisted to be much worse than the real act Mike had committed. I did not want to enter that realm again.
So I settled on pulling out my trunk to read the letter my mother had given me before she died. She had known that the sickness she was catching was fatal and that there was no cure, so she had written a letter that I found on her bedside table when she had been discovered dead. I kept it with me everywhere I went. I opened up the folded paper and began to read.
Dearest Isabella,
My life is about to end. Charles knows it, Jasper knows it, you know it, and I know it. It's a definite fact. But I couldn't leave the world without letting you know this: I hadn't ever planned on having a second child, and when you came, our lives were then woven into an even more complicated strand. Your father barely had enough money to support the three of us without you, though we made it seem like enough was available so that you and Jasper didn't have to worry. But when you came along, things were even harder, and he resented the fact that we had you, therefore not acting as cheerful around you as he did with everyone else. But he loved you. He just decided to let the more bitter side of him win when it came to deciding how to act around you. But we both loved you; our little ray of unexpected sunshine. Find somebody who can keep that light alive so that we can watch it glow from Heaven.
Renée
A tear rolled down my face at the thought of my loving, though slightly scatter-brained mother. She loved me and wanted me to be happy. But if there was even a scintilla of hope that the person I loved could love me back, it was gone now. For I didn't really know if I could trust him any more and the thought of going back was too frightful to consider, at least for now. The memories would be too strong.
X X X X X X X
The months passed; long, dragged out days that turned into weeks which in turn turned into months. Miss Tanya had tried, with no success, to get me out of the room the first week. I had been permanently glued to the bed, only leaving it when I needed to relieve myself. By the third week, I finally slipped down the stairs to Miss Tanya's room to find her babbling away at the servant that was making her bed; the servant didn't look interested in the least.
It was then that I had started talking to her again – or she was talking at least. I merely nodded at the things she said. Flinching was a normal occurrence as I wasn't sure that the duke was as wonderful as she made him seem any more; though the bruises weren't there, the memories still were.
She never seemed to notice, though, and every day seemed longer than the next when she talked repeatedly about certain qualities of the duke.
Miss Tanya had also urged me to go back and take a message to the duke, though I wouldn't. I wasn't in the mood to ever tell her why, either, and the longer I had been listening, the more impatient she became. I knew she sent other messengers after a while, but they had all been sent away again; except for the first, who reported that the duke had, in fact, come out to see her, but had not been allowed to speak to him again after the first time. I wondered why. Perhaps he thought her pretty, even though he only saw her once. For some reason, the thought stung.
So I spent my days in Miss Tanya's room or my own chambers, where Angela would come and comfort me if she heard me crying. She was the only one in the estates that knew of what had happened – even Sophia and Marie could not hear what we were talking about when Angela came in the room. I was glad; the Queen of Rumors and her equal wouldn't be able to keep it to themselves.
Maybe, one day, I would tell them. And maybe, one day, I would be able to go back to Edward.
Edward
I woke up to something tickling my nose. It felt like a hair. Bella's hair? She was still here, and that made me smile against the back of her head…except that her head wasn't there. I focused on my arms and they felt empty. My eyes flew open and I found that Bella indeed wasn't in the room any more. I surveyed the room: the door was left wide open; the sheets on the bed no longer pressed in by her shape or warm because of her body heat; the blanket I had placed over her thrown onto the floor and in a messed-up heap; even the sheets that she had not been under were in a different position than they had been and barely covered up my lower half. At least I hadn't gone to bed naked.
I slowly slid over to the other side of the bed and picked up the blanket that was left on the floor. I thought for a second before holding it up to my nose and inhaling slightly. Yes, it still smelt like her; like freesias and summer fruit; like heaven. The warmth her body would've added onto the heat from the blanket was gone, though, and it was sprinkled with dirt. I would have to have Catherine wash it. I immediately started to descend the stairs, unconsciously looking for any other signs that Bella might have been here. None were apparent, though I doubted she would've wanted to tilt every little picture sideways just because she could.
My feet took me to where Catherine was cleaning a dark blue dress. It looked like the nightgown I had lent Bella last night. On further inspection, I noticed it was the nightgown I had given Bella. So much for being able to smell more of her scent.
"Oh, hello, Edward," Catherine acknowledged me. She rarely ever addressed me by my title or just Sir. It was always Edward to her. I didn't mind; she was like family to me.
"Good morning, Catherine. Are you able to wash this, please?" I held out the blanket, still eying the nightgown Catherine was holding under the water. She took the blanket from me with one of her wet hands, set it down and then followed my gaze.
"She came in this morning, poor dear." I snapped my head up and she gave me a sad, knowing smile. "Frightened as hell and seemed as if she was in a hurry, like someone or something was going to follow her. Though I guess I can't blame her. I hope you didn't do anything to scare her off, boy." She looked me straight in the eye. "She was a pretty little thing and would've been better company if she wasn't so scared."
I gulped and ducked my head, too scared to keep eye contact. I had done exactly that; scared her away. I had brought her too close after the experience she had just had and she was probably unsure of what my own intentions had been. I knew my shame was shown on my face.
"Hope she's not too frightened. Next time, Edward, you better think before you act, even if you are trying to just go with your feelings." And with that, she turned around and continued to wash the nightgown, leaving me to my thoughts.
I had been just as stupid as Mike. I had scared her away for good. I remembered with perfect clarity the last time I had thought she might think I was in love with another woman and it wasn't her that I wanted.
I was playing the song I had been writing over the few weeks I had known her, and though it was still beautiful, I knew it wasn't as perfect as the girl sitting next to me. She had her eyes closed and a small, sinful smile was planted on her lips. I was fighting with my inner, selfish self against kissing her and then she opened her eyes as I finished the song and I just about lost the battle right then.
She wiped a few tears out of her chocolate brown eye and started to speak. "Sir-"
I couldn't help myself. "Call me Edward," I commanded. She looked a little surprised at first, and I hoped it was in a good way.
"Edward, then," she continued, my name falling beautifully from her lips. "Edward, that was beautiful. I really think that it was wonderful. And thank you so much for sharing that with me. I would really wish to see the beautiful lady that inspired you to write such a lovely composition. But I must go now. I'm afraid it's getting dark, and I must be getting home before the path is all but gone. Again, thank you, and good-bye."
I wanted to reach out to her, to say "Don't go! Don't ever leave!" But I didn't and instead breathed a good-bye that nobody could hear as she left the room, my heart tweaking in pain.
I had been so hurt that she thought that it was another woman and scared at the thought that it might make her more distant and my heart constricted in my chest. But the feeling I felt now was so much worse. Knowing that she wasn't coming back and that there was no chance at anything made my heart burst and then shatter into tiny pieces. I dropped my head into my hands as I sat down onto the sofa. I had made a huge mistake.
X X X X X X X
The months passed, intensely painful and dreadfully boring without her to wait for. Of course, I hadn't given up hope at once; a small spark of hope had stayed, and I had clung onto it for dear life. For four weeks, Tanya didn't send a messenger at all. It was a smart move on her part in my opinion. And then, after thirty-two days of nothing, a girl finally appeared at the gates. She was tiny and had dark brown hair that fell almost down to her waist. My heart skipped a beat and I almost sprinted down to the front door, regaining a state of calm as soon as I opened it and continued to walk down the path. But by the time I had gotten halfway down the dirt path, I started noticing some characteristics that definitely didn't belong to Bella. The girl, though still small, was taller than Bella and her face was more rounded. Her skin was darker, too, and she definitely didn't blush when I connected my eyes with hers – green eyes set in a plain face. This was most certainly not Bella.
But I was too polite to just turn around now, so I continued down the path that led me to imperfection and opened the gate to speak to the new girl. Her eyes glazed over as she looked at me and she stepped closer, most likely unaware of what she was doing. I took a step back.
"What message has Tanya sent today?" I queried sharply, not succeeding in keeping my tongue in check. Her eyes widened and she looked a little frightened, but the shaky state of her voice didn't seem to be out of fear.
"Well…well, she says to tell you she loves you. And that she's sorry for not sending a messenger in a little while. And…and…" She trailed off, not thinking about the message but instead staring at me, making me quite uncomfortable.
"And…what?" I prodded. She snapped out of whatever haze she had been in and looked into my eyes again.
"And…well, I'm…I'm not quite sure." She looked down, ashamed.
I grimaced. "Then, if you have nothing else to say, you may go." I re-opened the gate and held out one arm in the direction of "out". She slowly walked outside the gate and turned around to say something more, but I had already locked the gate and was walking to the door again.
She came back the next day, though I did not go out to meet her. I allowed Spoden the pleasure of creating whatever text he wanted to tell her to leave, all the while sitting at my piano, creating a sad composition that reflected exactly what I was feeling. Spoden came to stand at the doorway for a few minutes just watching me with a sad look on his face. After a while, he vanished and I was left in my own company.
I spent many days like this. Of course, whenever someone would ring the bell at the gates, I would always scurry to the window to check if it was Bella before sauntering back to the piano bench to add another line to one of my endless compositions and allowing one of my staff to send the girl away. Tanya never got my own, silent message and kept sending an endless amount of servants to the gates, usually two to three times a week.
My shelves full of my own compositions were gathering a nice collection of dark and brooding tunes. I knew it was silly and almost wrong, I couldn't stop. Playing the piano was my way to get my feelings out.
And yet I knew that even though I played the piano, depressing moods would continue to visit me every day. The only cure was something that wasn't going to happen any time soon. The only cure was to see Bella.
Bella
It had been five and a half months since I had last seen Edward and though my heart still ached, the fear that consumed me was stronger. I definitely was not going back there any time soon. I was sitting in Miss Tanya's bedroom while she talked away at me, in the midst of re-organizing her gowns in her closet. A lady in an outfit that showed she was of no higher ranking than me scurried into the room and whispered something in my lady's ear. Miss Tanya stopped talking and her expression turned dark, her eyes flashing with an unknown emotion. Jealousy?
Miss Tanya whipped around to face me while the other woman scampered out of the room as quickly as she could. My lady's eyes were fixed on me in a harsh stare and I immediately pushed the stool back a little. Her mouth fixed up in a tiny, cruel smile and her face was full of an emotion that mocked sweetness.
"Are you aware that all of my other messengers have been turned away from Edward's estates since you have refused to go back, Bella?" She smiled the cruel smile again though her face was humorless – not matching her tone at all. I nodded my head weakly. "And are you aware that I have gone through almost all of my servants to send messages to him, and all of them have been sent away except for you?" Her eyes held only the fire that matched that found in the pits of Hades. I hesitantly nodded my head again.
"He's sad, Bella. Ever so sad, and I'm not sure I understand why. Apparently he sits upstairs almost all day and only ever talks to his butler, much less his brother. He's an entirely different person. So I must ask myself, Is this all because of you? I honestly hope not, as I trust you. But looking back, it all fits together now." I wasn't sure what she was getting at, but I continued to watch her as she went off on me, caught in her gaze and unable to look away.
"You see, I would send you with a short message to give to the duke. It might've been longer from time to time, but it never should've taken more than a few minutes to recite. Although, if you were awed by his beauty, as I assume anyone would be, it might a little bit longer. And his replies were always rather short and sometimes he had none at all. Yet sometimes you were over there for hours. And then I asked myself what you could be doing. And it hit me. You couldn't be just talking, after all. A mere servant wouldn't be able to capture his attention by talking, even if she hadn't been a servant all her life. He would become utterly bored with the chatter."
"But we were only-" I started, but she interrupted me.
"You had to be doing something that he absolutely loved, something that wouldn't let him send you away. So you made him happy in the greatest way possible. You served him sex. Ironic, isn't it, that I sent you to make him fall in love with you but he instead falls victim to your alluring trap? Yet I feel so betrayed. Why would you do this to me Bella?" She was now standing right in front of me and she reached down to grab my chin between her thumb and index finger, her eyes turning black. "You were pleasing him with sex, weren't you, you little whore?"
"No, I wasn't," I pleaded, my eyes brimming with tears as her nails dug into my flesh and a light trail of blood trickled down my chin.
"Are you a virgin? Answer me honestly."
"I never had sex with-"
"Are you a virgin?!" She half-screamed, and although I could try to say that I hadn't ever had sex with Edward, I couldn't lie to her direct question.
"No," I breathed. A second later, something hard slapped me across the face. I realized that it was my lady's hand and that her nails had left scars across my face.
"You little liar," she seethed in my face. "You did have sex with Edward. Never deny the truth. Now out!" She pointed towards the door and I scurried out, almost tripping over my dress in the process. I started to cry as I ran up the stairs and toward the wing that hosted my chambers. Angela was there for me once again.
X X X X X X X
The days passed and I had yet to see Miss Tanya again, though I supposed that was a good thing. My scars were starting to fade, which was another plus as well. But that was where the positive things stopped. My food was becoming more and more scarce and my stomach thinner; the meat on my bones barely there. The small amounts of water I got were just barely enough for me to feel somewhat energized and I was scared that this would be my future. I had to get out, though I had nowhere to go.
One day, while Angela was around the house doing her chores, I decided to help her scrub the floors while I discussed my thoughts with her.
"Don't leave," she begged. "The Lady will calm down and things will go back to normal. Just give it time. You'll see." She seemed to doubt her own words, which didn't help persuade me to stay.
By Thursday night, my decision was made. Everything I owned was all in one movable place and I was ready to go. No one knew of my plans but Angela, who thought that I was going to stay and the stars were bright enough for me to see outside. It was perfect.
I opened the window from my chambers and dropped my single trunk to the ground. I then swung one leg over the window ledge and silently slipped after.
That…wasn't as great as I thought it would be, though hopefully you didn't think it was too horrible. My friend Lia recently pointed out to me that this story would get absolutely boring if I didn't put romance in there soon, so I ask you to please hang on with me. B/E action will be coming soon. Thank you.
My update might be a little late again, though hopefully not as late as this one since I have the rough idea for the next chapter. However, reviews inspired me to write faster. =D