Disclaimer: Stargate SG1, characters, settings etc. are property of their owners. No copyright infringement is intended. Original characters and plots are property of the author. No profit is being made from the fiction.
A Crude Joke
by Adelie King
Chapter Five: Retaliation
"Well first we've got to get that mold of my dick back from her…" Jack brought up, "Before she makes any more copies of me and gives them to people…"
"No." Sam bit her bottom lip as she usual does when she gets an idea.
"No!" O'Neill reacted almost jumping to his feet, "What do you mean 'No' Why?"
"Well we need evidence to give General Hammond of what she's been up to…" Carter grinned wickedly, "Along with the dildo." She picked it up.
Jack yanked it from her loudly contesting, "NO! NO WAY IN HELL!!!" He put it behind his back, "You're not showing a copy of my dick to General Hammond!"
She started following him and he backed away, "I'm not showing him that one Sir!" Sam promised, paused and assured him, "I'm buying another one from the store and telling him it's yours…"
"I don't get it Carter…" He was confused, "What exactly do you have planned?"
"Oh you'll love it I'll guarantee it…" Carter assured him, "Now first we're going to the porn shop to get what we need and then we'll need my digital camera."
"What do we need a camera for Carter?" Jack followed her still holding his duplicate behind his back.
"I'll keep that." She took it away from him and put it in her drawer, "I swear no one will know but me and you."
It took six weeks to do get ready what Carter had in mind but when it was ready she and O'Neill put their plan into action. She told Janet that she'd thrown it away just to make sure Jack didn't find out to throw her off and declared her the winner of their practical joke feud.
The Monday they'd been waiting for finally arrived and O'Neill had what they had been waiting for to show General Hammond. He knocked on the General's office door.
"Colonel, come in…" Hammond granted entrance in his usual way. Jack came in with a very mortified upset look on his face. "What is it Jack? You look upset?"
"Upset is not the word Sir…" He said in a serious deadly tone. "Our CMO has pulled another one again…"
"What has Janet Frasier done this time for a prank?" George asked crossing his fingers on his desk.
"Oh it started out as a prank but now it's escalated to something worse." O'Neill had whatever it was behind his back and he was blushing crimson red.
"What did she do Jack?" Hammond calmly demanded to know.
"You promise to help keep this quiet from the base and confidential Sir?" Jack wanted assurance.
"Of course Jack now please tell me what she did…" Hammond pleaded at this point.
"This." He set a plastic package of a dildo on the center of General Hammond's desk. It was called AIR FORCE COLONEL DILDO: Exact Replica of an Air Force Colonel's Cock for your pleasure.
"Why is there a dildo on my desk Jack?" He asked him disgusted, "A very big dildo on my desk."
"Read the back Sir." O'Neill turned the package around for Hammond to read the back print. He covered his face again as the General read it.
This an actual replica of one of the cock belonging to Colonel Jack O'Neill of the United States Air Force for those ladies who miss their military boys while their away on duty.
Hammond was so revolted the package fell out of his hands on the desk. Jack had his back to him at this point from embarrassment. "They're in the porn shop Sir… in town." He told Hammond.
"Who found this Colonel?" George asked completely flummoxed leaning back in his chair.
"Major Carter Sir…" O'Neill answered with his back still to him, "She called me and brought them over to show me first thing this morning to avoid embarrassment."
"So she bought them all?" Hammond wanted to know.
"Yes Sir…She also told the shop to remove any more copies telling them I did not give consent to this." Jack told him while holding a breath in to keep his composure.
"Are you sure it's you Colonel?" He inquired and looked at it again in shock at the size of it.
"Yes Sir I had to whip it out and both Major Carter and I compared it closely." O'Neill told him beet red embarrassed, "I hope that didn't break the frat regs Sir…"
"Did you two do anything?" George asked.
"No Sir…I could barely keep it up for her to examine…" Jack almost whimpered, "It's hard to keep a hard-on when you think everyone knows what you look like and Carter obviously knows at this point."
"How the hell did this happen, Colonel?" Hammond demanded an explanation exasperated.
Frasier was playing a joke on Carter Sir…" He explained, "She asked me to make a copy of my dick to give to Carter as a joke without Carter knowing."
"And did you go along with this?" The General asked shocked.
Jack turned around and yelled, "What do you think?! I told her 'HELL NO!!' and left her office."
"Then how'd she get it if you didn't do it willingly?" He asked.
"Janet snuck into my home, gave me a sedative and some Viagra, used a mold kit to mold a copy of my….equipment and then left. That was why I missed work that day…" Jack enlightened, "I was hoping I could keep this quiet so no one would ever know."
Hammond was livid with his jaw hitting the floor rubbing his head in disbelief. "That cake must've really made Frasier mad to even fathom doing something like this. Did Carter get it for her present?"
"Yes Sir…you were there and saw it." O'Neill reacted reminding him, "Remember?"
Georges face fell in his hands in outrage, "This is a public humiliation to the United States Air Force!"
"The Air Force!!!" Jack bellowed with his arms waving about, "What about me?! Who knows how many copies of my dick are floating around!!!" He turned around grabbing his head wanting to scream, "So what are we going to do about this General?!"
"I don't have a clue on this one Jack…" Hammond was at a complete loss, "The first thing is we have to do is find out where all those were distributed." He paused and then continued, "Then I've got to call somebody up top." He moved to pick up the phone
"HELL NO YOU"RE NOT!!!!" O'Neill screamed holding the General's hand down, "I already have my dick all over Colorado Springs, possibly the state!! There's no way my dick is becoming national property!!!"
"I need to think of a solution right now Jack…and that's not going to be easy…" A baffled George analyzed the situation.
"You're telling me…" Jack remarked huffing, "Carter is never going to look at me the same again." He drew a breath in and ranted, "I'm not sure I can even look her in the face again." He covered his red face again in humiliation, "Now that she knows what my dick looks like."
"Many women have seen your dick Jack…" Hammond remarked rationalizing.
"Well that's an understatement if I ever heard one!!" O'Neill bellowed and speculated, "Next I'll be offered to be in Penthouse and Playgirl."
"Oh let's not over-exaggerate Jack…" George tried to calm him, "As far as we know Major Carter may have collected the only copies there and if she did she's not going to say anything about it." He took a breath and continued, "Dr. Frasier will have to be reprimanded confidentially to avoid any more embarrassment for all parties involved." He then said, "Right now all we can do is keep quiet and take care of this carefully…understand…"
"Yes Sir…"O'Neill started to calm down.
Hammond then told him sickened, "And will you get this thing off my desk before I lose my breakfast." He gestured to the package with both hands.
Jack removed it and put it back in the bag and left…
Meanwhile Janet Frasier was sitting in her office when Major Carter stormed in slamming the office door pissed. "Janet! Giving me one these was low but I didn't expect you to go this low!"
"What the hell are you talking about?!" Janet reacted confused.
Sam held up the dildo package in front of her. "These!" AIR FORCE COLONEL DILDO: Exact Replica of an Air Force Colonel's Cock for your pleasure. Carter informed her, "I found these in a porn shop!!" She set it down on Janet's desk roughly.
"Of course you did." Frasier responded calmly with logic, "It's a dildo…they sell them there"
"Did you notice who the dildo is a copy of?!" Sam demanded and showed her the back where it said O'Neill's name. This an actual replica of one of the cock belonging to Colonel Jack O'Neill of the United States Air Force for those ladies who miss their military boys while their away on duty.
Janet almost fell out of her chair when she saw it. Shaking her head she denied, "NO…no… that can't be right Sam…"
"Why?" She demanded with her hands on her hips.
"Because it's too big!!", Frasier defended and then asked crossing her arms, "And how would you know if it was his anyway…You've never seen him…?"
"Yes I have…I had to make a detailed comparison between them." Carter informed her in a loud tone. "The Colonel is mortified Janet!! How would you feel if a copy of your private parts was in a porn shop."
Janet then told her, "There is no way that could've happened Sam…I had the mold at my house the whole time…"
"Did have it!" Sam corrected, "We checked your house…it's gone!!"
"WHAT!!" She flew out of her chair so fast the chair was spinning. As Frasier raced out of the infirmary, Carter burst out laughing falling to the floor.