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A Crude Joke
by Adelie King

Chapter Six: Resolution

Colonel Jack O'Neill joined Major Samantha Carter in the infirmary soon as he saw Janet Frasier leaving at high speed. "This was so brilliant Carter…I bet she'll never play a prank like this again." He predicted.

"You got the mold didn't you?" Carter asked him worried.

"Yeah…it's at my house and I'm going to destroy the thing as soon as possible." Jack assured her. Then he added, "I can't believe we actually paid the money to have the packaging made and it looks real."

"Yeah Janet believed it but she did mention that you weren't that big Sir." She pointed out.

"Well thank God I'm not or I'd never have a sex life." He remarked.

"So did Hammond believe it?" Sam asked.

"A little too well he was talking about calling the top brass about it." O'Neill got a little nervous, "Thank God that wasn't my dick in the package."

"Yeah I could see Kinsey getting jealous." She teased and they laughed. Then she advised, "I think we should tell Hammond before he calls anyone."

Carter and O'Neill headed to Hammond's office. Jack then wondered, "I wish I could see what the doc is doing now."

Janet Frasier pulled into her driveway and ran into her house. She searched everywhere for the mold and could find it nowhere, "Oh my GOD!! Someone stole it!!" She was so panicked she looked like a chicken with its head cut off. After an hour of searching she was back in her car heading for the porn shop.

Meanwhile General Hammond was in his office still contemplating what to do when Carter and O'Neill came in. The General told them, "Jack, I have no idea what do about this…"

They shut the door and he told him, "You don't have to anything Sir…It was a joke on Frasier."

"WHAT!!!" Hammond rose from his chair furious, "A JOKE!!!"

Carter explained, "Yes Sir…it was for her making the dildo of the Colonel's" She clears her throat, "for my birthday."

"So she actually did do that?" He wanted to know.

"Yes she did…" Sam told him and added, "And I didn't find it a bit funny when she told me after I'd…" She cut herself off just before and then added. "And neither did the Colonel…"

"Well she has to reprimanded for this you know that." Hammond pointed out.

"No you won't" Jack blurted out bluntly but respectfully, "Because if you do everyone will know about this and I will be more even mortified than as it is."

George reconsidered and asked, "So what do you suggest I do to her?"

"Nothing… because she so panicked right now you wouldn't believe," Sam informed him, "Just let her sweat it out a while then we'll tell her."

Hammond actually smiled and asked, "Where is she now?"

"Probably at her house trying to find the mold Colonel O'Neill had already taken." She speculated.

"Do you have it here?" He asked.

Jack reacted, "Hell No! Do you think I'm that stupid?!" He then told him, "It's at my house waiting to be demolished…" Then he looked over at Sam, "Along with the copy made…"

Carter almost sighed with disappointment because she actually wanted to keep it. She scratched the back of her head.

Hammond had to ask worried, "Uh…that really wasn't yours in the package was it Jack?"

O'Neill remarked, "Hell No! We bought some from the porn shop and changed the packaging!! Do you honestly think I'd make a copy of my dick, put it in a package and sell it?"

"Well…If this was really you…maybe," The General commented.

Carter started laughing and O'Neill glared at her and she immediately recomposed herself.

"I know I have an ego Sir but there's even a line I draw." He told him flat out.

Sam had to cover her mouth and she was turning red about to die from laughter. She then asked looking up, "So I wonder where Janet is now?"

Janet Frasier just arrived in the porn shop parking lot squealing her tires. She got out panicked and practically ran inside. When she got in the door she immediately stopped to walk and caught her breath to calm herself.

She went up to the toy section and checked out the dildos. Janet couldn't find Jack's anywhere so she went up to a young woman who worked there, "Excuse me, did you have any dildo's either removed or recalled from the store recently?"

"Not that I'm aware of ma'am or I would've been notified by the manager…" The employee told her and asked, "Is there a problem?"

"Yes, the product may have been a mold illegally taken from one of our distinguished officers in the Air Force…" Frasier explained to the gal, "I heard it was being sold here without his consent."

The girl immediately went to get the manager. He came out quickly in shock, "Are you sure about this?"

"That's what she told me Sir." The girl told the manager as they walked to Frasier.

The manager asked Frasier, "Were these actually made?"

"Yes…I saw the package myself. It even had his name on the back…" Janet informed him, "And I was told by another officer she found it here."

The manager and the girl looked at each other confused. He then asked, "What was the product called?"

"AIR FORCE COLONEL DILDO: Exact Replica of an Air Force Colonel's Cock for your pleasure." Janet told him.

"I don't recall a dildo of that name but I'll check the computer." The manager led her over to his computer and started looking up his product list. "No…according to this the product doesn't even exist ma'am."

Frasier's hands went to her hips, "It doesn't huh…"

"I think someone was playing a prank on you…" The manager suggested and then told her, "We deal with jokes like this all the time but this is the best I've ever heard." He started laughing.

Janet was livid, "THAT BITCH!!" She stormed out of the store relieved but pissed at the same time.

The young woman asked him, "Do you think that was the joke the blond was referring to that bought out that one brand of dildos?"

Within an hour Janet Frasier returned to Cheyenne Mountain pissed at Carter for this one and it was brilliant. She stormed around looking for Sam and finally found them in Hammond's office.

"Back sooner than we expected doc" O'Neill smiled smugly.

"That was nasty Sam!" Janet barked, "You had me running all over town!!!" Then she demanded, "Where the hell is the mold?"

"I have it!" Jack crossed his arms informing her, "And I'm destroying it soon as I get home!"

Hammond finally interjected, "Doctor! That was a sleazy joke to play on Major Carter!! What on earth even made you consider doing something like that?!" He demanded, "Making a copy of the Colonel's privates and giving it to her!"

"She gave me a cake with a dick on it for my birthday Sir!" Frasier defended, "You think I was going to let her beat me that easily!"

"Well it looks like she just did to me!" Hammond observed and then ordered, "And now this ends!! No more jokes!!" He then looked at Sam glaring, "Both of you!!" George was livid and told Janet, "I'm still trying to think of a way to reprimand you for this!!"

"But nothing happened…" Frasier defended, "Carter had the package made…Nobody saw it but us!!" She paused and told them, "Damn that thing looked real."

"It cost us a mint too." O'Neill mentioned.

"I knew it was too big to be yours Colonel!" Frasier spat at him, "And I knew Sam couldn't possibly take one that large!!"

Carter's jaw dropped to the floor. Hammond covered his face with his hand getting fed up with this and finally barked, "Get out of my office!!!" He breathed and finished, "I don't want to hear any more!!!"

They left quickly and shut the door behind them. Janet, Jack and Sam were petrified and headed somewhere private. Frasier than complemented her, "That was brilliant Sam. I didn't think you could top what I did but that was brilliant." She was impressed, "I couldn't beat that one if I tried."

"Carter just proved her genius again." Jack stated impressed and laughed, "The look on you and Hammond's faces."

"You heard the General Janet…no more jokes like that!" Carter reminded her and told her, "Let's keep them clean and less cruel from now on."

Frasier told her with relief, "Agreed…I never want to go through this again…" She sighed and headed to the infirmary.

Carter and O'Neill got on the elevator and then she shyly asked, "Do you think I can keep...?"

"NO!" He quickly and firmly answered, "The only one you're going to have is the real one from now on Carter?" He paused and promised, "And it's going to feel a hell of a lot better I assure you." He raised his eyebrows and grinned at her, "Starting tonight…"

The elevator opened and he stepped off leaving her in anticipation for that evening and forever.

The End