"How are you doing in there Shinji?" Misato said over the radio transceiver, her voice muffled by the A10-100 Connector unit that had been presented to Shinji by a most excited Ritsuko, who had spent countless hours tweaking and fine tuning the helmet-like apparatus that now covered the boy's head in place of the A10 Standard connectors.
"I'm alright, Misato." The boy replied as he let his hand drift up to the open-faced helm, adjusting it slightly. Altogether, the angular unit was little more than a glorified A10 connector, though he knew I that it was probably filled with a mess of electronics that he couldn't even begin to understand. He knew that Ritsuko had taken a few moments to go over exactly what it did, but beyond the statements of "It keeps you from being physically injured" and "Increases your overall reaction time" the bulk of her explanation had been techno babble to his ears.
However, the increase was greatly appreciated when Misato informed him that Unit-01 was going to be fielding the F-type equipment from then on, mostly due to the B-type equipment's lower armor rating. If Shinji's memory served, the F-type equipment was made using some kind of super-dense titanium, and had advanced N.B.C. shielding, which was why he'd used it during the Jet-Alone incident. If the prototype had gone critical, the armor would have protected him and his Eva from the massive fallout of a reactor meltdown.
Thinking back, Shinji remembered why he'd only fielded the heavy armor during that incident. The titanium plating was very, very dense, and therefore, several magnitudes heavier than the B-type equipment, which sapped reflex and reaction time from the boy back when he was still synching between fifty and sixty percent. While wearing it, he'd barely been able to work the Eva's fingers, and he'd felt like his arms and legs were tied to lead weights, which made using it highly impractical, considering the amount of skill needed to use the varying weapons the Evangelions had at their disposal.
Now though, with his synch ratio near a hundred percent, the lag time between movements was minimal, and the overbearing weight of the plate armor was mitigated by a notable factor, even though it still sapped his stamina like nothing else. Ultimately, the raven-haired Captain had decided that, thanks to his "gift" with piloting the Eva, he could handle the additional armor, and the boy couldn't fault her for it. Considering his knowledge of coming events, the armor would be a small mercy.
This, of course, didn't really matter much to Shinji as he felt his muscles straining under the weight of the armor. Initially, he'd felt clumsier and there was more strain on his body than he remembered, but he'd shrugged it off for the most part. Now, coming onto his fifth hour running movement sims under Misato, his muscles screamed with pain and his limbs felt like rubber. He heard Misato's voice coming over the headset once more, urging him on, pushing him harder, telling him to run the simulation again.
For a moment, Shinji paused, his chest heaving as the LCL's super-oxygenating properties pumped the life-giving air through his system at a phenomenal rate. Without that boon, he knew he wouldn't have been able to continue. Even though the drills were nothing complex, just running and jumping and a few simple agility exercises, with the added weight of the armor and the constant repetition, his body felt like rubber.
"Come on, Shinji. We need you to get as acclimated to the F-type equipment as you can as quickly as possible. Your new helmet should be taking some of the strain off your body, but we're still reading a degree of feedback interference from the heavier armor composites. You need to keep going." It was Ritsuko's voice, her tone as usual, cold and disinterested lilt. He could see her standing there, clipboard in hand, reading down some checklist or another, scribbling her notes, totally ignorant of how hard piloting was. It… agitated him. He really didn't like thinking badly of anyone, but he just… didn't like the doctor. They'd never been particularly close, and barring the handful of times the woman came over, he'd never spent much time with her outside of a professional setting.
"I'm trying." Shinji muttered, once more lifting the control nodes and grunting as he felt his muscles straining. In the control booth, Ritsuko and Misato stood side by side, the former jotting things down on her ever present clipboard while the latter watched through the observation window, cup of coffee in her hand and offering words of encouragement to the boy. Aoba and Maya were in the background, monitoring his physical and mental states respectively, feeding the other dozen or so technicians information while they remotely tuned the A10-100's sensor connections.
It had been a long two weeks for all of them, between the repairs and modifications made to Unit-01, the rushed development of the A10-100 helmet and the redesign of the A10 dampeners , all of which would have taken months without the help of the Magi. Even then, the Commander had been pushing for more. More testing for Shinji, more fine tuning for the new helmet, more development on the Dummy plug system.
And it's just going to get worse with time. Ritsuko thought to herself with a sense of resignation. Her gaze drifted out to Unit-01, which continued to move to the will of its pilot in the zero-g training room. The name brought a small smile to the doctor's face, though, as the room was simply a giant swimming pool that had the large Evangelion floating in it. True, they had to flood the water with helium and nitrogen just to get the hundred-plus ton machine off the ground, but, for all intents and purposes, the idea was the same.
Lost in her thoughts, the blonde almost missed the telltale swish of the door opening. Through it strode Gendo Ikari, the Commander himself, his gaze hidden behind the orange tint of his sunglasses, his bearded face cold and his uniform immaculate. Immediately the room fell silent as the man made his way to the observation window, standing beside Dr. Akagi. With his hands folded behind his back, the Commander stood silently as the rest of the room quietly continued, scarcely speaking unless it was to give a status update or minor adjustment.
"Status?" Was the only word he said, sending a shudder down the collective spines of those in the room. He glanced over to Ritsuko expectantly after a moment of silence.
"Uhm… Well, from what we can tell, the new A10-100 Connector is working at near ninety percent efficiency, which is surprising considering its fairly… uh… new design and the amount of alteration we made to the original A10 design. The feedback's been reduced by nearly seventy percent, but we're picking up bits of interference from the headset. It's nothing unexpected, but it has reduced Shinji's overall synch ratio by a total of seven percent. We've managed to tune the unit enough to reduce the interference, but we're going to have to go in there after we finish up to do some manual adjustments later."
"I see. And how is the pilot's reactionary time with the new armor?" The man looked to the doctor, his voice that same icy tone that often left her shuddering.
"Well… altogether it seems like he's not having much trouble outside of the fact that he's been showing some level of muscle strain and a lactic acid buildup in his upper forearm and thigh regions, however, it may just be general exhaustion from all the testing. His reverse synchronization is sitting at around thirty-seven percent, so he is probably suffering from the "phantom limb" phenomenon that was documented by NERV-Germany during the Second's initial training. It may be manifesting itself to a greater degree with Shinji just because of his greater synch ratio" the doctor noted, before walking over to Maya's work station. Gendo glanced back to the suspended Unit-01 and placed a hand on his chin.
"I see. Captain?" Misato looked over to the elder Ikari. For the most part she'd been trying to ignore the Commander, but when addressed, she snapped around to look at him.
"Yes, sir?" She asked, looking back to the floating Eva before taking a sip of her coffee (which she'd nearly spilled all over herself when the man had addressed her). The boy was going through the third set of action calisthenics. The sight of the Evangelion doing twists and stretches would have been comical, had it not been for the fact that one miscalculation and a five-ton hand would go slamming into a wall.
"Have you begun the pilot's arms and tactics training yet?" he asked, and Misato cringed slightly. She'd been putting it off, using Shinji's stay in the care ward as an excuse to slack a bit. Her silence was enough of an answer for Gendo. "I see. I expect you to have him up to speed by Friday on all of the basics, and I want him to have at least thirty hours of advanced simulation training. We've lost enough time as it is due to his recovery." The man continued after a moment's time. "Also, see about putting Shinji together with one of the trainers. I want him physically able to keep up with Unit-01. He does us no good if he can't make his Eva run half a mile without exhausting himself."
"Y-yes sir!" Gendo waved off the Captain's salute. He looked back to Ritsuko while Misato turned back to Shinji and Unit-01.
"Keep me informed of his progress. I want to see you in my office once you're done here." And with that, the man left, the silent swish of the door the only thing that marked his passage. Ritsuko sighed. She knew that tone of voice, and was glad she had worn the black panties today. Misato shot her a curious look, but the doctor, in a very practiced motion, shrugged it off.
Several minutes passed as the two women continued to observe Shinji. Ritsuko mostly silent as she continued to jot notes, and Misato giving the boy instruction through her own COM unit. The feelings of tension had left with the elder Ikari, and the crews manning the varying councils managed to regain their equilibrium fairly quickly.
"How are you holding up Shinji?" Misato asked, once Ritsuko had wandered off to handle some other task that required her expert touch. The raven-haired woman was very much aware of the stress that this particular training exercise had wrought on her charge. When a groan and a weak chuckle came back as the reply, she could only shake her head and call her blonde co-worker over.
"Can we get him out of there yet? I don't think he's going to make it much longer otherwise. Aoba's readings are showing a lot muscle strain and his heart rate is getting pretty high up there" she said to Ritsuko, who only sighed.
"Alright, Misato. Tell him that we're finished up for the day. We need to get into that helmet anyway" the scientist replied, motioning for the crew to start shutting down the plug and draining the zero-g chamber. The process took all of fifteen minutes, and Shinji had already painstakingly made his way back to the changing rooms.
His body hurt like nothing he'd ever felt before. His arms and legs felt like jelly, and he found his knees and elbows weren't bending as much as they should have. Coupled with that, he had to get his bandages changed now that they were completely soaked through with a combination of LCL and sweat, and ended up irritating the healing flesh they covered.
However, he didn't want to complain. He was happy about the new helmet, at the least. It made him feel more secure than the old A10 hair clips had, and he definitely didn't mind the added armor of the F-type equipment either. He just… had to get used to it. He had meant to get some exercise in before, but when Asuka came into the picture, a lot of things went onto the back burner, and eventually became never.
I'm paying for it. He thought with a groan, as he shrugged off the duraplastic plug-suit, noting, with a frown on his face, that he stank like nothing else . He didn't care what anyone said. Mixing plug suit and any kind of heavy workout was a bad idea. He was just glad that the suits were steam washed and pressure dried, which, theoretically, would make that wretched boot-stink go away.
The shower was heavenly, and the walk back to Misato's car was… interesting, granted that he was so tired he could barely focus on getting the door open, and had effectively given the window a kiss when he failed to open the door, but tried to get in anyway. When Misato got in, it was with a rather notable number of booklets and charts, which she dropped into Shinji's lap after he'd seated himself. He gave her a confused look while picking up one of the books, which read "NERV Advanced Tactics Manual: Vol. II" jn big, black letters.
"I'm sorry Shinji, but it's the Commander's orders. You've got to memorize all of those" she said, as the boy fished through the manuals. The charts that showed the locations of the varying utility buildings didn't really bother him much, as he remembered most of them, as well as their locations and functions fairly well, but the tactics manuals were fairly new. He wasn't sure what to make of that, but he still filed it away for later.
By the time they'd gotten back to Misato's apartment, Shinji had all but fallen through the door, stumbling over the threshold and into the three-bedroom condo. Behind him, the woman appeared, carrying the mess of books in her arms. She really did feel sorry for the boy. He looked so exhausted, with those black rings around his eyes and the fact that he seemed to be having trouble moving.
"Go sit down, Shinji. I'll go make up some ramen, alright?" Misato's tone said she would brook no argument, which the boy conceded. Discretion being the better part of valor and all that. Plus, he was barely able to lift the books the woman had given him (and thankfully offered to carry up for him).
"Thank you, Misato." Shinji sighed, before unceremoniously dropping onto the couch and letting out a small whimper. His limbs protested the action, but then, they had been protesting any action after that grueling six hour stint in the Eva.
"Once you eat, you may want to head off to bed, kiddo. You've got an early morning tomorrow" she chuckled from the kitchen, and the boy shuddered at the tone she used. He painstakingly stood up from the couch and hobbled over to the kitchenette, before asking a question that he knew he would regret.
"Early morning?" he asked, leaning against the counter in the small side-room. Misato looked over from her pot of ramen and nodded with a grin on her face.
"A-yup! The Commander said he wanted at least thirty hours of advanced Sim training, and we've got less than a week before school starts! You're gonna be pretty busy with that, training and dealing with the ExcerNazi." she said, fishing a beer from the "beer fridge" as Shinji had taken to calling it. He gave a small grin at the mention of school. He was already a few weeks behind from his unintended hospital stay, but there was nothing he could do about that. He did miss hanging out with Kensuke and Toji, but… wait.
"ExcerNazi?" he asked, already not liking the sound of that. Misato gave a chuckle.
"Commander's orders. You're going to be reporting to Takeshi Kago tomorrow morning for physical conditioning. The guy's an exercise nut, but he knows his stuff, really. Helped me keep this" she winked, running her hands over her body and winking at the boy, who proceeded to blush rather badly, eliciting a snort from the woman.
"Oi…" Shinji groaned, before hanging his head. Misato could only pat him on the head in mock-sympathy before turning back to her food.
"Oh, relax. He's really very good at what he does. He might be able to help you with some of your joint stiffness, actually" she said thoughtfully, as she placed a bowl of steaming ramen in front of Shinji, who proceeded to eat it very slowly. It wasn't all that bad, really, except for the barbeque flavored curry that Misato had taken to liking, and was slathered on top of his meal.
They finished their meals in silence, Misato's attempts to start a conversation lost on the boy as he slowly began to drift off at the table. She had practically pushed him to his room after the second time he almost kissed his dinner, and stashed the mess that was her ramen and curry into the fridge for later consumption.
That night, despite Shinji's exhaustion, he had found his sleep fleeting, and full of disturbing dreams that seemed to haunt him when he shut his eyes. Ultimately, like every other night, he found himself awake at the early hours of the morning, tormented by phantoms that whispered to him while he all but hid under the covers. As soon as the sun rose, Shinji had fled his own dark room, and again, spent the early hours staring off into space as the minutes ticked by, mocked by the voices in his head.
He'd already changed his own bandages and showered, having forgotten to do so the night prior, not counting the fire-hose experience that was a shower at NERV. It bothered him more than a bit that the his burns didn't seem to be healing all that well, and his eye was… disturbing…
Damn it all. He thought darkly. This wasn't supposed to be like… well… this. Things were supposed to be better, but so far all he'd managed to accomplish was helping Toji's sister, and thanks to that incident, he had a burn that covered the entirety of the lower right side of his head and the loss of most of the use of his eye. It wasn't supposed to be like this at all.
His mind drifted aimlessly after that. Being tired… clouded his head, made everything seem slower. Even after downing several cups of coffee he was still unable to focus. He needed… something…
Her?
An image of Asuka shot into his mind, and for a moment, he savored it, as if it were the sweetest wine, even as his mind twisted the image, he still savored her, dreamed of her, wanted her…
…as he felt the echoes of his orgasm still thundering though his body. And she just lay there, oblivious to it all.
At that instant, his body heaved. He vomited hard, his small frame shuddering as the bile forced its way up at the image. And the pain… his hand shot to his bandaged eye as it throbbed, feeling as if someone had just stuck a hot needle into it, his fingers gripping it as he stumbled up out of his chair and over to the kitchenette's sink.
The running water did little to stem the pain, reducing it only to 'burning' from 'white hot', but he supposed he shouldn't be picky. It was another half an hour before he was able to pry his fingers from where they held his face, the digits stained a sticky red against the paleness of his skin.
"Damn you…" He growled at himself as he slowly recovered, the echoes from his waking nightmare leaving him shaken. It took him several more minutes to get the mess cleaned up, during which he heard the beginnings of Misato's return to the land of the living as she rumbled around her room. He decided to make haste with his cleaning, lest his wayward guardian decide to pop out and raise some uncomfortable questions. As it turned out, his haste was wasted, as she didn't manage to drag herself from her room for another hour.
When Misato did finally emerge, it was to the sweet scent of breakfast, which, like all of their other meals, consisted of ramen and coffee (or beer). Shinji was still kicking himself for not going shopping, but these last few days had been too hectic for him to sneak away long enough to get some real food. Perhaps tonight… The boy thought to himself.
Breakfast was a quiet affair, Misato either not noticing or not commenting on the distinctly lemony-scent that permeated her kitchen. Shinji had eaten quickly, and had already fed Pen Pen his morning sardines, so once Misato was dressed, the two were off. The woman hadn't commented on the black bags hanging under her charge's visible eye, or the slight fidgetiness that he'd developed, and he'd generally ignored any major attempts to start a conversation, which ultimately led to the two simply sitting in silence as Misato drove them to NERV.
As Misato escorted the boy to the training center, she thought back to the mostly silent breakfast they'd shared. Shinji had been a mess, with his hair ruffled and matted and his eye bloodshot. He'd been twitching something awful in the car, which she had attributed to the fact that he'd downed an entire pot of coffee over breakfast and still seemed a bit sluggish. It bothered her more than a bit, as she knew that the boy hadn't been sleeping well during his hospital stay. She knew something was wrong, but he was… dismissive of the topic when she'd tried to bring it up.
She knew he was trying to avoid whatever was bothering him, and it wasn't effecting his performance as a pilot yet, but she knew that maybe she should speak to Ritsuko about it while the boy was getting acquainted with Trainer Kago. She knew that her blonde friend wasn't an actual medical doctor, but still, she had to know something about what was going on.
The trip took but a few minutes, both Misato and Shinji silent, lost in their thoughts. He followed the Captain, and eventually found himself standing before the glass doors of the training center. The building itself was of notable size, and filled with a wide and varying selection of exercise equipment, gym mats and even some sports gear. Located off to the side of the building was a set of stairs that, if the sign above them was accurate, lead to a pool and the changing rooms.
There were a number of people in the room, from various staff to security personnel, all grinding away in what looked to be their regular routines, each being assisted by a rather large man who drifted among the group, offering up advice or a spotter, if needed. A moment passed before he finally made his way to where Misato was standing, with Shinji effectively in the background. The two adults exchanged a few quick words before Misato turned to the boy.
"Alrighty then, Shinji. This is Trainer Kago, and he'll be handling your workout schedule from now on. Be sure to listen to what he says and try your hardest!" The woman's her enthusiasm came off as a bit forced. That said, Misato made her way towards the entrance as the large man stepped up to the boy. Shinji found himself a bit swamped by the one called Trainer Kago, as he barely made it up to the man's well-muscled chest.
"Indeed! Well then, Mr. Ikari," Kago started, a wide, friendly grin on his face, "We have a lot of work to do, but before we get started, we need to see what you can do. So we're gonna push you, and pull you, and run you ragged. Sounds like a blast, eh?" the physical trainer exclaimed excitedly, and the boy looked back to the door, but saw that his wayward guardian had already abandoned him to the mercies of the one she called the ExcerNazi.
"Yeah. A blast." The boy muttered out eventually, his tone flat and his shoulders slumped. The large man in front of him took no notice, and all but dragged Shinji into the depths of the training center.
After leaving the training center, Misato had found her way down into the lower section of the massive pyramid-like structure of NERV Central. The halls were chilly with the stagnant flavor of recycled air and frigid under the coolness of the climate controlled underground. It was strangely fitting, considering where she was headed.
The Science Division always seemed to creep her out. Something about the sterile environment and the general sense of wrongness she got from wandering the pristine white hallways always left her shuddering inside. She didn't know how Ritsuko could handle it. She knew that her cohort spent more than a few double shifts locked behind the doors of her office, located in the heart of Section Eight. But then, the faux-blonde was the Director… so she could understand, to some capacity, how Ritsuko might like it a bit better down there.
Nodding to one of the wandering scientists, Misato continued, her eyes drifting over the open observation windows that showed the Eva cages in their full glory, with Units 00 and 01 locked in stasis, Terminator Plugs locked in their spinal sockets and floating in their LCL baths.
"Ah, Misato! I was just about to go looking for you. What can I do for you?" came a voice off to her side. Misato didn't even have to look to know it was Ritsuko, standing in all of her glory and preening in a way not unlike one of the scientist's cats after catching a particularly fat bird. Instead, she opted to stare out over the Eva cages and continue her silent observation of the two. Ritsuko waltzed up beside her, and gave a short whistle.
"They are something, aren't they? Mankind's only defense against the beings we call Angels" the woman beside Misato began, before leaning up against the railing. Misato glanced at her, and noticed the A10-100 helmet in her hands. Ritsuko only nodded, slowly, before turning and walking away from the window.
"Yeah, I suppose. It's just…" Misato faltered, looking away, before sighing. Ritsuko glanced at the woman for a moment, waiting for her to continue. "It's Shinji, I guess" she finally forced out.
"Oh? What's wrong with him?" the scientist asked, her voice with it's usual detached lilt. She leaned forward, letting the helmet hang down in her hands.
"I don't think he's been sleeping very well. He's got bags under his eyes and he's been drinking a lot of coffee in the morning, and well…" Misato let the statement hang. Ritsuko could see the veiled concern in her compatriot's eyes, and let off a small sigh.
"Is it mental contamination, do you think?" That caught Misato's attention, and her features became strained with worry.
"I… I don't know. Maybe. Can you…?" The question hung in the air, and Ritsuko nodded, her consent.
"I'll schedule him for a preliminary exam later on today. If there are any signs of mental contamination, it's best we know as soon as possible. Considering his unprecedented synch ratio, it is a real possibility, especially considering that the A10 dampeners were pretty much useless for the bulk of his first encounter." At that, the scientist started down the hallway, Misato following closely behind her.
"Thank you, Ritsuko" was all the older woman could say, her tone grateful. The scientist nodded, before stopping at one of the many doors lining the interior of the hall. She smoothly punched a series of keys while Misato stood by, silently. The door opened with a nearly-silent swish. Ritsuko turned to the Captain.
"It's not a problem. Shinji is our best pilot, even though he hasn't had the same level of training as Rei or Asuka. If anything's wrong with him, we need to deal with it now" Ritsuko said with a detached tone, before stepping into the laboratory. "Just bring him to the Infirmary after he finishes with today's Sim training. I'll meet you two there, after I give the Commander his progress report."
Ritsuko didn't wait for an affirmation, even though the words were already on Misato's tongue by the time the automatic door shut itself behind the doctor. She stood there a moment, before finally turning away and heading back towards Section Five, where the Sim chambers lay, even as the bulk of Unit-01 began to make its descent towards the lifts through the window beyond. Shinji still had an hour before Kago would let him go, and there was much that needed to be done before the boy came in for his testing.
With her worries eased, the woman continued onwards, her thoughts drifting to the day's schedule and simulation breakdown. She didn't know how much time they had before the next angel, but she would be damned if Shinji wasn't ready for it when it came.
000
Later that night, a certain blonde-haired doctor found herself standing before the unforgiving gaze of Gendo Ikari, and his equally monolithic Second, Kozo Fuyutsuki, as she gave her report on the boy and his progression.
"…as far as the helmet goes, we're still in the process of fine tuning the sensory receptor equipment. It was lucky that NERV Germany still had Doctor Sohryu's old prototype stashed away, or we'd still be groping around with those A10 connectors. After today's set of preliminary tests, however, we should have everything prepared by the week's end." She finished, and she could swear that Gendo had a small smile on his lips when she did.
"Excellent. I want you to proceed with the next stage of neuron-bypass programming as soon as the option becomes viable. Make sure that the F34 and R17 connectors are running at maximum efficiency, and have an active scanner running at all times. I want to know just how he managed to synch so well with Unit-01" the Commander said, his tone icy, demanding, and darkly pleased.
"Yes, sir" Ritsuko replied, the very words sending a cool shiver down her spine. She tried to cover up the motion with the ruffling of the papers on her clipboard, but the act wasn't lost on either of the men. A moment passed, before Ritsuko continued, her voice sure, even if she wasn't, herself. "Also, Captain Katsuragi came to me this morning with regards to a possible deviation in Shinji's psyche" she began, and winced when she felt the heated stare Gendo sent her.
The man's feelings for the boy were well known to the doctor, and for that, she pitied the poor pilot. Gendo would use him up, just like everyone else he ever came in contact with, and then discard him. While such a thing didn't bother her, not explicitly, she did still feel a touch of unease at the same prospect applying to her.
"I see. Will this… deviation… cause any problems with the schedule you've submitted?" The question was phrased carefully, albeit directly. Ritsuko cleared her throat before answering.
"After running a preliminary MRI on the boy and giving him a full workup, I can say that there doesn't seem to be any sign of any sort of mental contamination. With our limited knowledge of the human brain, it's very possible that he may be developing some form of psychosis or another, but as yet, I've not seen any reason for us to be concerned. It may just be nightmares, or something equally unimportant. I did prescribe him a general sleep aid and a mild painkiller for his facial wounds, however. I suspect we'll be able to remove the bandages completely by next Thursday, if he keeps healing at the rate he is." Ritsuko finished, coolly, before letting the clipboard hang under her folded arm. The Commander motioned for Fuyutsuki, and the older man leaned in. The two exchanged a few words before the Commander looked back at her.
"I see. So long as this doesn't interfere with the Dummy Plug program, I see no reason to further invest any of NERV's resources in the matter. You have authorization to take any steps you might find necessary in keeping the boy in check, but otherwise, the completion of the program should be your primary concern."
"Yes, sir" Ritsuko nodded. Gendo gave her another look, and again, she felt a shudder flare down her spine, this one for a very different reason. Gendo looked to Kozo, and nodded. The older man sighed, but said nothing as he left. The door swished shut, the noise almost lost in the massive office, but not before catching a glimpse of the doctor slowly slinking forward, her lab coat already well on it's way to the floor behind her.
000
The week passed quickly for Shinji. He and Misato had fallen into a comfortable routine over those first few days. Neither spoke very often, outside of the cursory small talk, and, for the most part, both were happy with that. Shinji continued going to the trainer in the morning, and then to Sim training in the afternoon, followed by a short physical with Ritsuko and a debriefing from Misato. He didn't know what the doctor was looking for with all those physicals, but he didn't put much thought into it. When he'd asked, she told him it was just concerning the A10-100's fine tuning. The words struck him as not completely honest, but he ignored it for the most part. Misato was running him into the ground with his training schedule. There was scarcely a night in which he didn't collapse into his bed, even if his sleep was fleeting.
Shinji hadn't fully realized until then that Misato was a very talented field commander, something one would never guess had they seen how she lived her life, but it was true. She really did seem to know everything there was to know about tactics, in detail no less. She could name any given location of an Arms, Munitions or Power building at the drop of a hat, along with all of the stationary defense buildings and boom tube entrances and exits. And she had taken it upon herself to make sure Shinji knew them, too.
The woman was a sadist, Shinji had long since decided, as she had a tendency to quiz him mid-Sim, and punish wrong answers with a combination of difficulty increases or overtime in the plug, both of which tended to be murder on the poor boy. This was, of course, after Shinji finished with Mr. Kago in the training center, and he was already spent from nearly an hour and a half of body-numbing exercise.
But…
…with emerald eyes, glowing, Unit-01 dived across the whole of a city block, somersaulting though the air with impossible grace, before landing upon Sachiel. A feral growl echoed in it's throat as it slammed the Angel into a nearby building, bringing tons of debris down upon a helpless little girl below…
Shinji collapsed against one of the smooth metallic walls, breathing ragged as the memory of his fight with Sachiel, the first time, drifted through his thoughts. The image was forever burned into his mind, of a feral, wild Unit-01 and its uncontrollable rage.
Compared to that, this pain, this difficulty… it was nothing. He wouldn't let that happen again. Never again. He was weak, and his friend paid for it with his sister, who had never recovered from the injuries she'd received from his first real battle.
That thought was sobering.
And one can only wonder just how many died this time?
I won't let that happen. I can stop them now. I can change things, make them better.
And the voice in his mind was silenced. But still, its words echoed through his head, filling him with fear, with doubt. Shinji looked at his hand, gripped tightly into a fist, nails digging into the soft flesh of his palm. The pain helped to drag him from his paranoia, back into the present, back into the now. It was all he had.
All he could do.
How many people died this time? I… I can't… THINK about that. Not now.
But the thoughts hung over him, like a pendulum, swinging slowly, coming ever closer. They echoed through his mind with a frightening propensity, and he found himself helpless against those dark whispers.
That night, Shinji found sleep fleeting, even more so than normal, and regardless of his silent pleas, there was no respite for the boy. Again, he awoke well before the sun rose, in the darkest hours of the night. As before, he spent the whole of his time in the dark cowering, and the early morning downing cup after cup of coffee in a futile attempt to stay awake.
It did little to help him as he prepared his lunch for that day, nearly making two, the thought of Asuka's presence still so ingrained in his mind that he found himself mimicking the actions of his old life. But… Asuka wouldn't be joining him, joining them for quite some time still, and to Shinji, it was almost a blessing. How could he face her after everything?
He closed his eyes tightly, if only for a moment, trying to dispel the ghastly images of the redhead, his mind turning against him as it flooded his thoughts with her face.
"Something wrong, Shinji?" A soft, feminine voice came from his left, and he looked over to see Misato, hair still messy from waking up and dressed in what barely amounted to "decent", staring at him from the table. He'd been so focused on making his lunch, on thinking of her that he hadn't even noticed the Captain's awakening. His face fell into an unreadable mask, before becoming something akin to his usual, distant self.
"Nothing, really. Just… a bad night. Nervous about school, you know?" he said, half-convincingly. Misato looked like she would pursue it for a moment, before going back to her morning beer. Ritsuko said that nothing was wrong with the boy's head, beyond the healing hole from the skull tap. She'd said he might be having headaches from when they installed the plate, but she hadn't seen any signs of anything of that nature.
Then again, Ritsuko had also mentioned that Shinji might have been suffering from something completely psychological. Perhaps it would have been best to send the boy to a therapist, like the doctor had suggested. It was a possibility, but… Shinji barely had any time between his training and school, which the boy was starting today. Fitting something like that in might just be too much for Shinji to handle.
Misato looked over to the boy in question, her mind drifting over the whole of what she'd seen, and shook her head. There just… wasn't enough time. Never enough time, it seemed. They'd promised one another, back when he first began training, that they would do everything they could to beat the Angels. It was why she was pushing him so hard, with so much so soon. If it helped keep him alive, helped keep everyone alive, then she would do everything she could to teach him.
But now, with school… ultimately, the decision had been hers to send him to Tokyo-3 Third Municipal Junior High, if only to try and give him some sense of normalcy, some kind of childhood. It was the least she could do, considering what he was risking. She knew that neither the Commander nor Ritsuko had supported her decision, but didn't openly refuse it, either, so long as Shinji maintained his current level.
It was with these thoughts that she sent Shinji on his way. Her eyes watched him as he packed his bag and his lunch, feeling not unlike a mother sending her child out to their first day of school. The sensation was… nice, she supposed, to get lost in the feeling. To forget that sooner or later she was going to send him out, alone, to fight another Angel. But… for now, she could get lost in the sense of having a family, even if it was a lie.
Just for a little bit longer.
000
Shinji found himself subdued as he walked through the door to classroom 1-A of the Third Municipal Junior High, his one exposed eye drifting across the surprisingly empty classroom. As he looked, he could pull a few faces from the handful of dour students, like Takada-san and Mimochi-san, amongst others, though he'd never really gotten to know any of them. Others, like Kaede-san were missing. It was… odd.
He'd felt a lot of trepidation walking up to the school, lonely in the fact that he'd not yet met Toji and Kensuke, that it would still be some time before the three would be able to walk together. He didn't really know how he would react to meeting them again. The thought of facing his older compatriot, the one he'd… he'd…
…with a guttural roar, Unit-01 dove into the remains of Unit-03, rending and tearing at the broken body of the once-possessed Evangelion, ripping free the long, white entry plug in its uncontrollable rage, before crushing it in the palm of its massive hand…
No. He couldn't think about that. Not then. Not now. It was a second chance, the chance to make it right. He just…
The thought left him as he spotted a boy in , leaning against the wall in the back of the classroom, eyes shut and arms crossed. Kensuke was… not there, apparently. Glancing around the room, Shinji couldn't find the military-obsessed boy. It was odd. For as long as he'd known Kensuke, he'd never missed a day of class. If Toji was here, though, that meant that his sister was alright.
Right?
He took another cursory glance around, and spotted Hikari, the class rep, seated towards the front of the room, where she normally sat, if memory served. He couldn't help but notice that the girl looked… ragged, really. Her hair was in its customary cut, but the pigtails she was known for were messy, and her hair seemed a bit greasier than normal. Her clothing wasn't in the best shape either, and it all stuck out sorely. The class rep had always been pristine, Shinji remembered.
That was also somewhat disconcerting.
When he walked in, few raised their heads to meet him, and what few whispers there were died down. The dozen or so students kept to themselves, and there was an air of… despair almost. It was depressing, and worrisome. He remembered everything being so different.
Something's wrong. Shinji thought to himself, his face screwing into something of a frown as he found his seat. Lost in his thoughts, he barely noticed the tired voice of Hikari cutting though the mostly silent classroom.
"Stand! Bow! Sit!" She said with practiced ease, before slumping back into her seat. The sensei, of whom Shinji had never been too particularly fond, had entered when the boy wasn't looking, and with the ringing of the first bell echoing though the halls shortly prior, the class had begun.
At about that time, the teacher had introduced him, but it didn't seem like the bulk of the student body had noticed. He took a seat in the midst of a large number of empty chairs, generally separated from the other few students in the classroom. He opened his school laptop, and brought up the study plan for the year.
The lectures were the same. They always were, with Shima-sensei. Stories about how life was before Second Impact, about what it was like after Second Impact, the same stories about the mess that resulted, like the wars and the unification of the U.N. as a single, universal body, and so on. Shinji tuned it out, for the most part. It was all propaganda, all complete and utter trash.
Shinji scratched at the bandages on his face. They itched like he'd never have believed, now that the skin on his cheek was properly scarring over. He found it strange, still, only seeing the world out of his left eye, all while his right was hidden away under the mass of bandages, which would be coming off some time in the next week. For that, at least, he was thankful.
Lost in thought, he drowned out the whole of his sensei's lecture, having already heard it time and again. It was still some time before lunch, and Shinji really couldn't wait for that bell to ring. At least then he had something to look forward to, with math and his sciences slated for the afternoon hours. While not the most interesting of subjects, they were enough of a distraction from the otherwise mundane lessons the old man rambled on about.
With that in mind, Shinji simply waited out the rest of the period, unaware of a pair of brown eyes that watched him from the back of the class.
Lunch… was not the most pleasurable experience. He'd done what he could with the food in Misato's home, and had created a passable meal of curry and ramen, but the food still tasted bland. He could only frown into his bento, before shoveling more of it into his mouth.
He was a bit put out that nobody had bothered to try to talk to him during the midday meal, but, if memory served, he wasn't the most sociable looking of people the last time around. He doubted that he looked all that sociable this time around, either. The thought left him with a frown on his face. As he glanced around, he saw that most of the cafeteria was empty. Again, this did not sit well with him. He remembered there being more students this early in the war. It was as if two thirds of them had left.
He spotted Toji, sitting alone, as well as Hikari, who sat with her small group of fellow class reps. He didn't see Rei, though, which bothered him more than he would say. He was… torn. He hadn't yet met her, as he'd been in the hospital for much longer than he should have been, and his training schedule left him almost no spare time. Still, he knew she should have been here, somewhere or another, but she wasn't.
And he was partially glad he'd yet to see her. He knew what she was, who she was. What she had become, towards the end. He still saw her wickedly grinning face, her empty, stark-red eyes as she towered over him as Lillith. He remembered… remembered…
…floating in the water, was the severed, half-head of Rei, grinning at him with her half-lips…
The chopsticks fell from his numb fingers as the errant memory drifted through his mind, his mouth hanging open as he began to shake. His hand drifted to his face, covering it, as he started gasping, each breath more ragged than the last. He could barely stand to look at his food, the sight making his stomach turn.
"Damnit." He uttered, before leaning back in his seat. The plastic strained a bit under the added weight, letting off a soft creak as he ran his hands over his face. His body was wracked with exhaustion, and these thoughts, these… waking nightmares… were getting more and more frequent, and there never was anything he could do about them. They were driving him insane.
It was then that he noticed a certain dark-haired, brown-eyed boy coming towards him, in his hands a tray of some of the better flavored snacks from the school shop. Toji, Shinji knew, didn't often bring food, so his lunch usually consisted of whatever garbage they had at he shop that particular day. There wasn't much ceremony in the boy's approach, and he simply flopped down in front of Shinji, his tray clattering onto the tale before him.
"Hey there, Newcomer. The Class Rep said I should come say hi" the boy said, his tone softer than what Shinji remembered it to be. From what Shinji could see, he looked exhausted, though not in the same way that Shinji felt. There was just a general… weariness about him, and that was disturbing. Shinji offered him the best smile he could, even though he wasn't quite able to put any real feeling behind the act.
"Shinji." The boy corrected. It was odd, for him, to introduce himself again. Strange, if one could put a word to it. The boy across from him gave him a hint of a smile, and nodded.
"Shinji, then. I'm Toji. Toji Suzuhara." Toji held his hand out in a distinctly western greeting, which Shinji returned. The smaller boy had to admit, this was a much better greeting than the one last time. He'd always rather shake Toji's hand than have it lay him out on the ground. "How do you like it here, so far?" asked Toji, his tone curious, and sounding a bit more alive than before.
"It's… alright." The words were awkward for him. How could he describe a place he'd already gone to school at, right up until it was destroyed by a self-destructing Unit-00? "It's… it's very… quiet… here, I guess" he ventured. Toji looked away for a moment, and ate his food in silence. "It's kinda empty, really."
Minutes passed, and finally, Toji answered with, "yeah. It… wasn't like this before, but… after that big fight, a lot of people… well…" The boy sighed, and rolled back into his seat, his hands clenching into fists. He looked at Shinji with a sharp expression in his brown eyes. "It's that robot's fault! That robot and its stupid pilot!" he snapped out, and Shinji jerked back in his chair.
Toji saw it, and let his hands go limp.
"I'm sorry. I just… I get pissed of about what happened, you know? You probably do, don't you? What with your face all messed up like that. That stupid pilot hurt you too, right?" Shinji opened his mouth to respond, but Toji cut him off. "Look, it's alright. Don't worry about it. Sorry about the yelling. I'm not mad at you." He apologized, but the words seemed hollow to Shinji.
What happened? His mind all but screamed. He… there was no way he'd hurt Toji's sister again. He'd been… a lot more careful. Or at least he tried to be. He managed to get the monster out of the city without destroying too much property, right?
"Don't… don't worry about it. I was… uh… just coming into town when everything happened." Shinji lied, awkwardly. Had it been anyone but Toji, they would have noticed, but for all of the boy's gifts, he wasn't the most perceptive of people. In his gut, Shinji felt a rock of nervousness set in. His hands began to shake, if only slightly. "T-tell me."
I wonder what you did, Shinji. The voice in his mind spoke up, and it sent a shiver down his spine. He let his hands drift under the table, if only to hide their panicked shaking from the other boy. He took a deep, albeit silent, breath.
"It's… I don't know. I just…" The boy's voice was unsure, and Shinji almost lunged at him from across the table.
"Please… tell me." Toji missed the odd note of desperation in Shinji's voice, but the boy's pleading request caught his ear. He looked at the smaller boy with a hard gaze.
"I was… I was there, out in the city, when that big robot fought that monster. My little sister ran off into the city because she wanted to see the big battle, so she snuck away from me when we were on our way to the shelter. Mari ran off, you see, and I went to go get her, and we almost died because of it. One of the buildings near us got knocked down when that monster threw the giant robot, and some of the debris almost hit us. Mari came really close to getting crushed. It was dumb luck that she didn't." Toji began, his voice a bit lighter. Shinji let out a sigh he didn't even know he'd been holding. He'd saved Toji's sister. He did it.
"There was a shelter under that big hill the two were fighting on." Those words stopped Shinji cold. He felt that rock fall right back into his gut.
"No…" He whispered, and Toji nodded.
"Yeah. When they were fighting, one of the main support struts broke. Nobody noticed it right away, not until the ceiling started to crack, Hikari told me. They started the evacuation of the shelter when there was that big explosion. They were too late. The whole lot of the thing collapsed right down on top of everyone." Shinji was white, his eye blank, as he took in the whole of what Toji had said. Toji was sniffling. He wiped away a stray tear. "Damnit! He killed Kensuke!"
Shinji… Shinji felt sick.
"I… I need to use… the bathroom. I'll… be right back." His tone was subdued. Toji nodded, and the boy rose up out of his seat. He barely managed to stagger into the small bathroom off of the cafeteria when he felt the whole of his lunch come up and splatter all over the floor.
He felt his chest tighten. He couldn't breathe, he couldn't… couldn't…
You killed them.
No… no… I…
You tried to change things, remember?
I… I didn't mean to…
You let them all die.
I didn't… I couldn't… why…
Because, you're weak. You let them die. You let Kensuke die… You let them all die!
But…
YOU KILLED THEM!
No!
You failed them. You let them all die.
I… never meant… I couldn't… it's not my fault!
It IS. You let them die, you let them ALL die.
I…
Listen to their cries, Shinji. You killed them.
No…
You killed them.
No…
All of them.
"No…" The boy groaned out, tears dripping from his one exposed eye. He lay curled up on the floor, the puddle of his vomit soaking into his shirt as he simply lay there, shuddering. He couldn't breathe… he couldn't… it wasn't his fault. It wasn't his fault. It wasn't his fault. It wasn't his fault.
The words echoed through his head like a mantra, even as he lay there, paralyzed. It wasn't until some time later that he'd been discovered. The poor boy who'd found him, curled up on the floor of that bathroom, had gone screaming to the nurse, who'd had Shinji taken to her office by two of the stronger students wandering around. It was then that she called Misato Katsuragi, who quickly collected the boy.
As they drove back to NERV, back to the hospital, she couldn't help but stare at the boy. His only exposed eye was blank, his hands clenching and unclenching, while he shuddered. He stank of vomit, but the woman didn't make a comment about it. She was… worried. Scared, was a better word, but worried sounded more familiar to her.
His first day of school, and this happens. Was all the woman could think, while a part of her, deep down, told her that it was her fault he was like this. She didn't know what it was, and she was almost afraid to find out.
"How many." Lost in her own self-pitying thoughts, Misato had almost missed the quiet words, with their near-dead inflection, as they escaped the boy. For a moment, Misato was stunned that he'd said anything, considering the condition she'd picked him up in.
"I… huh? What do you mean, Shinji?" She prodded, gently. Her tone was full of concern, but it seemed to have been lost on the boy.
"How many?" Again, like a demented parrot, he spoke the two words. Misato gulped, before slowing the car to a crawl.
"How many what, Shinji?" she asked again, clarifying this time. The boy's head turned to the woman, slowly, as if it were on a hinge. The emptiness in that single eye bore into both of hers, and she shuddered at the blank gaze.
"How many people did I kill?" The words hit the older woman like a wrecking ball. She knew exactly what he was talking about. Exactly what he was referring to. She suspected it was what was keeping him up at night, but… something was different, this time. Something was wrong.
"I… I don't know…" she stuttered out, but was cut off as the small boy shot across the seat divider, his hands wrapping around the lapels of her jacket with a terrifying strength. The crazed look in Shinji's eye scared her more than she would ever admit. She slammed onto the brakes and the car screeched to a halt.
"Tell me!" He screamed at her, and she grabbed his arms at the wrist, breaking his grip on her, before pinning him to the other side of the car, his face pressed against the window while she applied a joint lock to him. "Tell ME!" he screamed from his position, and the woman simply held him there. "TELL ME!" The screams were louder, and he started fighting harder. Misato simply held him there, paralyzed as he continued to scream at her.
The two fought there, the older woman holding him in a simple pin while he screamed at her, trying to break the hold she had on him. "TELL ME! TELL ME! TELL ME!" He kept screaming, kept chanting, spittle splattering across the window. Misato simply didn't say anything.
Slowly, though, very slowly, the boy started to lose his energy. Screams were replaced with sobs, and the frantic struggles began to fade away, until he couldn't move any more. Misato let him up, slowly, the pin she'd held loosening enough to let him slump back down into the passenger seat of his car.
He just sat there, sobbing hard, body shaking and jerking with every tear-filled scream he made. Beside him, Misato wrapped an arm around the boy, pulling him close. She wasn't the least bit surprised when he fell into her arms and soaked her shirt with his tears, his apologies, his inarticulate moans, all mixed into a mess that she couldn't understand. She just sat there, stroking his hair, listening to him cry, and holding him close.
Her mind was a mess, even though her face didn't betray it. So many thoughts ran through her head, all of which centered around the boy now in her arms, crying like a small child. Her guilt was palpable. She could feel it wafting through her with every cry of the boy. And she would make him do it all again, if another Angel showed up. She would push him into that plug a thousand times if she had to.
And he would go, too. Every single time, until there was nothing left.
"I need to know, Misato." The words were muffled by her shirt, but she heard them clearly.
"Why?" Her voice was quiet, but she said the one word with all of the care she could muster.
"I just… need to. Please, Misato." He said, his voice so pleading and pathetic that she all but wilted under the desperate tone of his voice. She sighed, and fell silent as she thought about it. "Please…" he all but begged, and she clutched him to her, her face marred with a dark frown.
"Alright" was all she said. She felt Shinji nod, and drift back to his side of the car, his eyes still watering, but his face empty. He looked better, by far, but… it worried her. It worried her a lot, to see him like that. He just… broke down. He had a breakdown, and it was bad. He was fourteen, and he'd had a breakdown. He'd snapped and broken down, just like that.
Misato decided to drive the boy home, instead of NERV. He needed rest. He needed to recover from his episode, from it all. She would talk to Ritsuko tonight, over the phone, and find out what she could. Maybe it would help him to get to know Rei a bit, as well. It might help him to know that he wasn't the only one dealing with the whole of being a pilot.
Yeah. That's a good idea. Misato thought to herself, before deciding to see what she could to do get the two to spend some time together. She'd known that Shinji had yet to meet the girl, and that Rei had come to visit him on her own, once, when he was still in recovery. Maybe it would help him. She could only hope, as she drove the two to her apartment.
When they finally arrived home, it was still early afternoon. The incident at the school had shaken the older woman fiercely. She knew a breakdown when she saw one, and while she didn't know exactly what had set it off, she had an idea as to the circumstances. Her memory flitted to the incident in the car, and to his words.
"How many people did I kill?" he had whispered. She knew that the count was high. There were a lot of soldiers that had died during the attack, but that was before Shinji entered Unit-01. All of the nearby military forces had pulled back when Unit-01 began it's attack, so beyond that… Oh no…
The Shelter. He was asking about the shelter. Someone had told him about the shelter, and that had set him off. She had read the reports, as far as that incident went. It wasn't Shinji's fault. The accident was just a casualty of war. But… she knew he was blaming himself. He was such a fragile boy, so innocent, so shy and self-contained. He was… he was guilty.
She hadn't mentioned it to him for just that reason, because she knew he wouldn't take it well, but… it never even occurred to her to think that he'd hear about it at school. She could almost kick herself for that. Of course he would have heard about it at school. Tokyo-3 Third Municipal Junior High was the school closest to the shelter, which was located just outside of the Third District city proper. That district had lost almost a third of its civilian population when the shelter collapsed.
She looked to the doorway that lead to the hall. After they'd gotten home, she'd ushered Shinji into the shower. He had stunk something awful, thanks to his little 'dip' earlier, and the episode with her in the car had done nothing to help with the problem. It was why she took the time to change after she'd gotten him into the shower. Her clothes weren't much better at that point. She did hope, however, that he would recover a bit after getting cleaned up.
After all that, she would probably need to say something to the school, if Shinji ever chose to go back. Misato sighed at the thought. His first day of school, after over half a decade of tutors and private education, and it had gone totally south on him.
Damnit. I just wanted to give him a normal life, do something nice for him, and it all went to shit she thought, grimly. No good deed goes unpunished. As her thoughts turned inwardly dark, Shinji found himself staring at the walls of the shower.
The water was hot as it cascaded down his skin, even as he sat on the floor, crumpled into a tiny ball. The water burned, the heat turned all the way up, with the cold off completely. It seared his skin, the sensation of that liquid fire over him, but the pain, the sensation, it was lost on the boy. Eye wide, he simply sat there in his little ball, his lips uttering a soundless chant.
The water fell around him like rain, the plain walls of the bathroom mocking him with their normality, their… blankness. Covered in steam and droplets of water, all he could see was a shadow of himself, reflected from him by the merciless white of the bathroom lights.
Did you really think you could be the hero of this little play? A dark voice asked, a mocking lilt in it's frigid tone. The boy only shuddered, unable to answer.
Did you honestly think you could change things? That you could save them? It chuckled at him, and a feeling of despair gripped Shinji's heart. He managed to let out a pained sob as his chest tightened.
I didn't… I wanted… I tried to… Shinji replied silently, the words as empty as he was, as weak as he was. He wrapped his arms around his legs tighter, his knuckles going white.
Kill them? Help them? Save them? The voice laughed at him, it's tone devoid of mercy, devoid of anything, except accusation. Another pained sob was the reply, the heat of the water dulling him to everything outside.
It's not my fault! Shinji screamed to the voice. It only giggled in response.
But it is. You let them die, Shinji. You let Kensuke die. You killed them. The whispered words gripped the boy's very soul with their cruelty.
I didn't mean to- The boy tried to force out, but found himself cut off.
YOU DID! The thunderous roar of those two words stuck the boy harder than the most vicious of punches. He all but fell out of the shower, his hands ripping the curtain down from where it hung as he fell out, vainly trying to escape the echoing utterance.
As he lay there, he felt… pain… such indescribable pain… It gripped him, wrapped around him, centering over the moist bandages that covered the injuries on his face. His hands, pruned and dripping, scrambled to rip away the gauze. It itched, it burned, like nothing he'd ever imagined.
YOU DID! YOU KILLED THEM! Accusation. Betrayal. Hatred. All three echoed through the confines of his body, his soul, wracking him with searing, frigid, blinding pain. His arms were warping, his mouth trapped in a silent, unending scream. His face felt as though it was melting off, his hands rending and tearing, desperately trying to pull away the bandages as they charred him so.
It's not my FAULT! The words echoed back through his mind, slashing at the dark influence that was his Guilt. Hatred lashed back, ripping at him, as did betrayal, filling him with agony as his mind was flooded by the nightmares of his failings.
He barely managed to stagger up, his hand clutching the now exposed scarring on his face, his clawed fingers lancing around his wounded eye. He slammed his back into the wall across from Misato's vanity, his breath ragged as he lashed out at the ghastly phantoms.
You were WEAK! The voice spat, disgustedly. Pain lanced through the boy's body as he slouched forward, his hands tightly gripping the edges of the sink.
You were PATHETIC! The words sent Shinji staggering, his mouth grit in incomprehensible torment, his knuckles white from their hold on the vanity. He felt his knees give way, and the whole of his body pitch forward. He heard a sharp crunch as a spike of agony rocketed through his forehead.
You can't change the future! You can't even change YOURSELF! The boy's eyes locked onto his own image in the mirror, divided down the middle by a break in the glass, a splotch of red lining the break separating the two images, splitting his face cleanly down the middle.
His reflection… half of it… the scarred half, stared back at him, a cruel, vicious smile glaring back at him. The massive burn that lined the whole of his face, encompassing half everything between his right ear and the outermost edge of his lip, going so high as to partially engulf the bottom lid of his right eye, had twisted into something hideous, deformed, the skin rippling unnaturally as it mocked him. His right eye glowed with utter delight as it stared back at him, the whole of the iris left bleached white, leaving nothing but the pupil behind, constricted as it focused upon him.
The left… it watched on in horror, fear wholly manifest in it's shocked visage. His face… it was broken… like a clown's mask, but… twisted… evil…
"No…" Shinji whispered, shuddering, shaking, his body moving uncontrollably as he took in the whole of his face. Half of his world had gone colorless. His right eye saw nothing but shades of heatless grey and frigid black, like the color or dead skin and rotted fruit meshed together. His right saw all of the lost color, blinding him in it's extremes.
"No…" Louder this time, Shinji found himself unable to look away, even as his nightmarish reflection began to laugh at him. The shaking grew worse, his mind unable to comprehend the sight.
"No!" Again, this time with force.
"NO!" His voice echoed through the room. The shout had been deafening, making him blind to all other noises. In the hall, he vaguely recalled the thought of footsteps in the hallway, of the doors slamming open. He paid them no heed.
"No… no… no… No… NO… NO… NONONO!" He screeched, clutching his face and swaying, even as the bathroom door was ripped open, a panicked Misato at the entryway. She moved for him, but it was far too late.
Shinji pulled his fist back, and slammed the whole of it into, and then through the reflective pane, shattering it and covering the floor in shards of glass. It was then, and only then, that he let off a most terrible scream, even as he collapsed, Misato catching him in her arms, heedless of his nudity.
Blood streamed down his hand, but it was forgotten as his fingers clawed around his face, all the while his shrill voice screaming the word "No!" over and over, her voice desperate and pleading in a way that rent the older woman's heart.
And in the back of his mind, all Shinji could hear was the cruel, raucous laughter of that wicked voice as it mocked him forever more.
~End Chapter Two~
Author's Note: Hey there, how is everyone? Good I hope. I gotta apologise, as I seem to be a touch late. So much for punctuality, right? Heh. But seriously, I hope you all enjoyed this chapter as much as the last few, and I am sorry that I didn't include the angel-killing, but if I did, then it would be another week before you saw this thing. I really did have that much trouble trying to work it in, so I guess that's what you'll get next chapter. Again, all credit to my editor and dedicated love interest, Kath, for fixing this up, God bless her rediculous english skills. Without her, this would be a lot worse, trust me.
All things considered, I thik it came out rather well. As far as killing Kensuke... well... I don't have anything against him, up front, but it was more convenient to off him now. So I did. *shrugs* I did have a lot of fun with the more psychological aspect of things, given that I'm a psych major. It's always a blast messing with the heads of my characters. From what I'd seen from the End of Evangelion, Shinji was already pretty far gone by the time it all ended. He was downright insane, really, and there's no reason he wouldn't be if he got a second chance. Considering how fragile he is, it wouldn't take much to push him off the deep end permanently. Besides, I've always felt that in order for you to change a character's personality, you need to break them first, at least so that you can have fun duct-taping them back together again at a later date.
As for Rei, I have been kinda putting that off. She's a hard character to write for, but that's never stopped me before. I think you won't be disappointed once we get there, or at least that's my own vain hope.
Anyway, enough of that. While I was working on this, I was also reading a fic by Dante Abbey named Ascension of the Lamb, which, while unfinished, is still an amazing piece of fiction. Google it if you have to, but I would suggest you check it out. Beyond that, I'm out!
~Ja Ne
Music of Inspiration:
Stripped --Rammstein
Farewell --Apocalyptica
Shut Up and Explode/Dive for You/Back on my Feet --Boom Boom Satellites
Lust/Sweet Allure --Balligomingo
No Roads left --Linkin Park