Sorry for the long wait guys, but it's slow going sometimes. Oh, and you can check out the banner that I made for GHOST on my profile. Thanks.
Kissing Edward Masen was like nothing I had ever experienced. I think the moment his lips touched mine, I felt…completion. Like every time with Mike was a pleasant experience, but unfulfilling, unwholesome. Now I knew what it really felt like to taste love on someone's lips, to have that smooth and gentle feel of another's skin against yours in the most perfect way. Edward made me feel whole.
And sitting there, on that piano bench, kissing Edward, was all I got of my taste of Heaven. For once our lips had touched, mine parting in surprise and happiness, my breath swirling out against him, Edward pulled back, his eyes wide and his face frozen.
"Wh-what's wrong?" I asked, startled at his sudden shock. He opened and closed his mouth, words failing him, before he shot up from the bench and ran through the nearest wall, disappearing from my sight.
I sat there, gaping at the place where he had once been, unable to move, think, do anything. I don't know how long I sat there, but it was long enough that when I finally emerged, I had fifteen voice messages on my phone and the sun had set. I moved about numbly from room to room, unsure of how to proceed, what to do. My mind was still reeling with thoughts of Edward, his lips, his shock. As much as I would have loved to sink down onto the couch and relive that short, perfect moment, I couldn't. Something held me back – that shock on his face kept evading my mind, ruining the memory.
Was I bad? I thought to myself. Was it not good for him? But somehow I couldn't believe that, because it couldn't have been one-sided, this feeling I had surrounding my entire body when his lips had met mind. No, there was something wrong with Edward and it seemed to have scared him away. I had looked all over the house for him, but he did not appear and I had the strangest feeling that he was hiding from me. Why, I couldn't possibly comprehend, but it was a certainty. For Edward had been so stable in my life this past week and even the week before. He was always a present being while I worked and moved about the house, filling it where I wasn't.
But now, for the first time since I moved there, the house seemed empty. Even with all of my things, my possessions and belongs, and myself, the house was creaky, lonely, and utterly empty with no Edward to fill it up. It made me intensely worried that Edward had quitted it forever – and that thought, though saddening me deeply, made me utterly mad.
How could Edward leave like that! Without telling me what was wrong, what he was feeling, what scared him so much! I was angry that he just left me like that, after the most beautiful, heavenly experience in my life, to wander alone through an empty house.
The anger was what finally freed me to listen to my missed calls – all from Alice about having dinner that night – and to frustratingly begin making dinner, Alice's invitation already too late to respond to, and to throw myself, fully clothed, in bed, exhausted and depressingly unhappy.
I had thought sleep would be completely out of reach that night, seeing as how my mind couldn't shut out all these thoughts about what had happened that day – the kiss, Edward, Edward leaving, the kiss, Edward….But, it seemed, sleep was inescapable and I feel into it so quickly that I hadn't time to realize just how tired I actually was…
My dreams that night were nightmares. My mind just couldn't get over that image – Edward's face as he pulled back from me – sheer and utter shock, terror, pain. It was like a knife to my heart as I watched, over and over again, Edward shooting up and leaving me. This sense of loss was deafening, and I woke up screaming out his name, my hands clutching thin air.
Immediately my eyes searched the room for signs that Edward was back, that he had returned to me, but as soon as I could get a sense of my surroundings, that emptiness returned and I knew that Edward was not near.
Sighing, I got myself up and moved about the room aimlessly. It was the weekend, so Charlie had given it to me, since he always managed the bookshop on Saturdays well enough and it was closed Sunday. I thought absentmindedly about making breakfast, but somehow I wasn't up to it. My thoughts, my whole body seemed to be preoccupied with the thoughts of Edward.
Thinking of Edward inevitably led me to the secret stairwell that led to his music room. If he were to go anywhere, it would be there. Unconsciously, I made my way down the creaky stairs, my footsteps muffled by the dust. When I reached the bottom, my eyes searched quickly, but, with a disappointed whimper, I came upon an empty room. My eyes focused intensely on the wooden, ornate bench that I had been seated on only the day before, experiencing the most wonderful moment of my life. I touched my lips absentmindedly with my fingers, imagining Edward's surprisingly warm lips.
Softly making my way over to the piano, I stared down at the bench. Tentatively I ran a few fingers over the keys, wondering if I played them a bit I just might scare Edward out of hiding. With conviction, then, I let my fingers sink down on the keys, listening to the dissonant sounds they produced.
"I remember telling you not to do that."
I sighed in relief, ignoring the irritation I heard in his words. Turning, Edward finally came into view, standing just in front of the doorway.
"Edward," I sighed, making my way to him. He didn't move, but he didn't refuse me either as I tentatively wrapped my arms around his waist. I felt him shiver slightly at my touch. We were close again and I looked up into his face, mere inches from mine. His eyes looked pained, his mouth a thin line.
"Bella," he began, but I reached up on my tiptoes and pressed my lips to his. I couldn't help myself – I needed it. Now that my body knew what it felt like to kiss Edward Masen, I wanted to feel it all the time. Edward remained motionless under me for a moment, but as soon as I licked his bottom lip, he opened his mouth to me. I felt his hands, warm and welcoming, wrap around my hips, pulling me to him. He moaned softly, tilting his head to get better access. I didn't care that I couldn't breathe, I needed him – all of him. But, after only a moment's time, Edward wrenched himself from my grasp.
"No, Bella," he gasped, putting several feet between us. His eyes again held that pained look and he panted, though he didn't need breath.
"W-what, Edward? What's wrong?" I whispered, taking a step towards him.
"We can't do this," Edward spoke firmly, but I saw his hands shake at the words.
"Why? I – I thought you lo –"
"Don't, Bella!" Edward interrupted. He took a step back from me and began pacing. I simply stood there and watched as he attempted to form words.
"The book, it's done," he stated. I felt myself nod. He still paced. "And now that it's done, you'll need to turn it in to a publisher. You can probably find a good one in Seattle, that would be best."
"Edward, I don't understand…" I trailed off as he stopped and looked at me. I believed that if he could cry, he would be. His eyes looked so sorrowful, so sad. Until, that is, he masked himself, hardening his face. I had never seen Edward look that way, but as soon as he did, I knew, almost with certainty, where this was going.
"I'm a ghost, Bella, not a man of flesh and blood."
"I know," I pleaded, trying to show my understanding. "I don't care, though, you're wonderful."
"Whatever may be that case, we cannot pretend, Bella – I cannot pretend that this will work." He gestured between the two of us. I tried to speak up but he pushed on. "Bella, no matter what we feel for each other, can you honestly think that it will change our situation? It can't. No matter what, at the end of the day I'll still be dead and you'll still be here, living and breathing and growing old with each day.
"You are young, Bella. And I know you are a widow, but you have a whole life ahead of you. You cannot delude yourself or let me delude you into thinking you could be content spending the rest of your days coming home and playing housewife with a living dead man! I will not damn you to that."
"No, Edward, this isn't –"
"Please, Bella, let me finish. I know what we mean to each other, but…You had a husband before. He must have meant something to you because you wouldn't waste time with someone you didn't love like that. But that gives me hope, you see. All this, all that's happening between us can be stopped and you would still go on, perfectly fine. You may miss me at first, but…There are others out there, Bella. Others who can make you happy, marry you, warm your bed, give you children, who can grow old with you…That's what you need Bella. And in time, you'll be able to forget all about me. Honestly. You don't need me to make you happy. You need a living being."
"No, Edward," I sobbed, grabbing my hair, "No, no, noooo!"
"Forget about me, Bella. I'll disappear, you won't have to see me anymore and I won't bother you. Get the book published, tend the bookshop, fall in love. You deserve it. You deserve happiness." His face, though still masked, showed compassion, but I hated it. I hated all that he was saying – even if a reality-based part of my mind agreed with his words, told me that he was right, I couldn't make a life with a dead man – but I wanted to scream, to yell at him that I loved him, wanted him and no other!
"Goodbye, Bella, take care of the house…and take care of yourself." I screamed and ran to him, my arms stretching out to clutch at him, but my fingers closed around only air as he faded into nothingness.
I sank to the floor, my arms stretched out, still groping as I sobbed. I sobbed until I had no tears left and until I was too exhausted to breathe. I dragged myself up to my room and sank onto my bed, falling immediately into sleep.
When I awoke, it was nearly noon. Sunlight was streaming into the room, cheerily and brightly, but it made me, in my depressed state, want to puke. I thought of what Edward said and tears immediately sprung to my eyes. I choked back a sob and buried my face back into my pillow. And that was how I was when Alice found me.
Playlist:
I Want You All the Time - Oh No Oh My
Ageless Beauty - Stars
Thunder - The Runaways
Broken Heart - Motion City Soundtrack
It's Your Touch - The Black Ghosts
Twilight Omens - Franz Ferdinand