Vanessa: High on the Horse of Pride
What it is: Pride is the excessive belief in your own abilities. The sin from which all others arise.
Why you do it: Well-meaning elementary school teachers and/or your parents told you to "believe in yourself."
Punishment: Broken on the wheel. A very public and humiliating experience.
Vanessa is guilty of being prideful.
Her favorite color is violet. It's beautiful, and it begins with the letter "V," which Vanessa likes to use as a nickname, even if it sometimes sounds awkward. For instance, when people call Serena "S," it always sounds ten times more natural and glamorous than when people call Vanessa "V." And Vanessa came up with the whole letter-naming thing anyway.
Or at least she'd like to think she did. She's not following the UES fad; they're following her.
She's got a ton of pride. For her family, her friends, her looks, her talent, her intelligence.
And where she comes from.
When they were younger, before she moved to Vermont and before Dan had decided he was in love with her, Vanessa and Dan used to make fun of all the rich Upper East Side kids who'd never had to lift a finger or work for anything in their lives.
Vanessa still does that, but most of the time her humor is biting. Or just rude. Because it's usually one of them who makes the derogatory comment first. And if they don't, they probably will soon.
And Vanessa doesn't take crap from anyone, least of all snotty Upper East Side bitches and coked-up racquetball-playing assholes.
They think they're better than her because they live on fifth avenue? Because they'll go to Ivies? Because their shoes cost more than her rent? Well fuck them. Vanessa doesn't want anyone looking down on her because of her socio-economic status.
Or looking down on her period.
Vanessa tries not to let her pride get in the way of things. Honestly, she does. But sometimes it's unavoidable. Like when she meets Serena for the first time. She knows all about Dan's little crush on the golden girl—but that's all it's ever been. A crush. Unrequited. Serena didn't know Dan existed.
Coming back from Vermont to find him dating the UES princess and "reformed" bad girl? Surprising to say the least. Does Dan know what he's doing? Does he know what he's getting into?
Vanessa tries to warn him, but he just ends up pissed at her, so she gives him space.
And Vanessa does come to see that she judges Serena a little harshly. But all those golden curls, and that exposed tan skin, the pouty lips, bell-like laugh, and supersized trust-fund are understandably misleading. So Vanessa accepts that her best friend and his girlfriend are serious. She tries to see past those big blue eyes of Serena, past the stereotype, and see the person inside. And sitting on the bed of some friend of Serena's, cutting snowflakes from folded paper, Vanessa begins to really see. And she can't help feeling a little envious. She sort of wishes she hadn't thrown Dan's love back in his face before. Serena seems to have it all.
Vanessa meets other UES-ers, now that Dan is dating one from the upper echelon and inner circle and sacred club and all that jazz. She brings her video camera. If she's going to see these kids in their natural habitat, she might as well look at them subjectively. Study them. And get it all on film. Maybe it will turn out to be useful.
They use everybody else, why can't she use them?
Let them know from the start that she's not one of them and doesn't want or need to be. She's happy with her "ethnic" hair and complexion just the way they are, thank you very much. Yes, this camera is for a documentary. Yes, she's a filmmaker. Yes, she lives in Brooklyn, Dumbo to be exact. Yes, that's across the bridge. Yes, she's Dan's friend. Yes, he's the one dating Serena. For real. No, she's never been to Barbados/Fiji/St. Bart's/the Maldives.
Ugh. She can't stand half of them.
She catches Blair and Chuck, the most manipulative and back-stabbing of the lot trying to one-up each other on film, whispering secrets secrets secrets that Gossip Girl better not sniff out or it will be social suicide for them both. Sex, Lies, and Videotape. Vanessa grins inwardly at the thought. Oh, they bitch and moan and threaten and bribe, just like the good children of the upper crust that they are.
Do they really think she cares if Chuck fucked Blair in the back of his limo? Do they really think she'll tell Blair's boyfriend Nathaniel Archibald?
Whatever. When she finally offers the tape to Blair (the lesser of the two evils), she gets a year of rent taken care of. Because Blair Waldorf does not like owing anyone anything. Vanessa can relate. She can sense the pride in Blair Waldorf—fellow prideful people can always recognize each other, though they often don't get along too well. And anyway, Vanessa can tell that Blair isn't quite as encumbered by pride as she herself is…but what else could a UES princess—forgive her, Vanessa means queen—possibly worry about?
Boo hoo, poor little rich girl.
Let Vanessa guess: Daddy/Mommy doesn't love you. So you act out/are perfect. You're an alcoholic/junkie/sex addict/OCD freak in the making. You're pressured to be beautiful/smart/sporty/etc. You can't decide which college to go to. Your boyfriend doesn't love you/loves you too much but you love someone else. Boo hoo, you don't know which shoes to wear with which dress. Boo hoo, you're such a cliché.
Vanessa feels antsy just thinking about the UES and its shiny hard world with its fake smiles and fake boobs and expensive champagne. It makes her want to go work at the café and serve coffee to normal people and count her tips and deposit her check and go home and take a bath and drink cheap white wine with her sister. And forget all about the UES.
Thank God Vanessa is homeschooled.
But that doesn't mean she doesn't practice the SAT. Granted, she only took (and aced) the practice tests to help Dan study, but whatever. She's smart. Vanessa knows this. And she doesn't have any qualms in letting other people know this too. She's well-read and thinks serious thoughts and can keep her cool like none other. It's a little frustrating dealing with Dan and his performance anxiety.
And it only gets worse when a condescending UES prince shows up, peering at her through his man bangs, and drops off some practice SAT books for Dan. They don't need his help. Dan has her. Dan isn't a charity case just because he lives in Brooklyn. So thanks but no thanks Nathaniel Archibald.
(By now Vanessa secretly keeps tabs on Gossip Girl updates online. Not on her phone, like all the UES-ers, because blackberries and iPhones and all that shit cost a lot and Vanessa is too serious to use a phone for anything other than calling anyway. She has a professional camera for her photography, a high tech laptop for the Internet and editing software, and a nice video camera; she doesn't need her phone for all those things in miniature when she has the real thing. It's a waste of time and money. So she checks Gossip Girl's blog on her computer, and has been checking almost obsessively. It's a guilty…well, not even pleasure. A something. A little lust, perhaps. Vanessa doesn't even really know why she does it. Maybe because she knows some of the featured people, thanks to Dan. Maybe because Gossip Girl blows some things way out of proportion and it's rather hilarious how much those stupid girls at Jenny's school care so much. Maybe it's because sometimes the scandals that are revealed are actually shocking. And Vanessa can have the satisfaction of knowing that some rich kids are even more messed up, and dumber, and sometimes uglier, than she is. So, since she reads Gossip Girl, she knows all about Blair losing her crown and sleeping with both Nate and his best friend Chuck—which Vanessa has a hard time comprehending. Sure they're both ego-maniacs from the UES, but if Vanessa were ever in a similar situation, she'd opt for the lesser of the two evils: Nate. Plus he's prettier.)
And Nate looks like the perfect stereotype of the lacrosse captain, incoming-freshman at Dartmouth, polished sailing UES prince that he is, from his brilliant blue eyes down to his shiny Nike cleats. Vanessa knows she must be right about him.
But inside one those SAT books he drops off, she reads a practice essay he wrote. It speaks to her. Sure he's one of those poor little rich kids, but…he didn't ask for it all. That admission allows Vanessa to ask him to lunch and apologize for her preconceptions, which Nate confusingly accepts.
And before Vanessa knows what's happening, she's already falling. Hard.
"It Had To Be You," Gossip Girl says. Nate Archibald. Upper East Side Prince. It's totally true. It just had to be him.
It's a little ironic, her falling for someone who comes from a place she despises. But she has no choice.
She's floundering in those deep blue eyes. He laughs and teases and convinces her to take the SAT. She doesn't care about college, she's apathetic, but she can't say no to that heart-wrenching smile. She shows him how to use the subway and he's as excited as a little boy. He asks her to be his date to "the wedding of the year": Chuck's dad and Serena's mom (Because UES-ers like to keep all the wealth and privileges to themselves. God forbid someone from below wrestle their way up the social ladder, like Dan tries to. Like Jenny tried to—and everyone knows what happened to her).
But it all falls apart. Vanessa doesn't know how it happens. One minute he's holding her hand as she sits in her neon orange dress Jenny made, and the next…he doesn't call her all summer. He doesn't invite her to the Hamptons, he doesn't visit her in the city.
Then, it's a hundred degrees, the city is covered in darkness, and Nate and some guy's mom are getting it on.
It's a typical UES plot: blackmail, prostitution, threats, and a power struggle. Vanessa tries to let Nate go…but when she catches Catherine getting it on with her own step-son… Vanessa tries to let Blair handle it, but that bitch is more occupied with covering it up and going out to lunch with her sex freak of an English boyfriend then dealing it with. What the fuck Blair. Grow a pair.
Vanessa is too high and mighty to wait even a day. She has to be in control. She can't give power to someone else. She can't bear the idea that someone else might have the answer, not her. Her pride won't let her surrender control. Of course it would fall to her to deal with it. She never should have trusted a UES bitch. Vanessa should know to only count on herself.
And she ruins everything. Fuck.
After Blair snarls in her face, Nate shakes his head sadly and walks away.
It all falls apart. Again. It's over, if it ever really began. And It Had to Be Him, too. Which sucks. Everyone always said he was too good for her, too high above her. Is this proof? She can't let herself think that. She'll go crazy.
But she's likely to go insane anyway, because suddenly he's making out with Jenny like nothing ever happened. Vanessa stomps home, buries her face into her violet bedspread and cries until she's empty. Only the anger remains. Deep and red.
She tries to win him back. She won't be out done by her own best friend's little sister. Jenny can't have him. Vanessa wants him. Thanksgiving has a good start and Vanessa greedily steals the letter Nate wrote Jenny. She can't stop herself from taking it. She can't allow Jenny to read it.
She tries to keep it a secret. But extortion and playing games aren't really Vanessa's thing, no matter how many times she sees them played on the UES and tries to emulate them to get what she wants. (That sick game with Blair and Chuck should have taught her that, like it taught her that Chuck might actually be the less evil of the two. But V isn't one to not try something herself.)
It's a bad idea. She confesses, tears running down her wobbly chin as she scrunches her face, trying to hold them back. She walks away from Nate and ends up in the spotlight, her dress see-through. She's naked, alone, and vulnerable in front of a screeching audience. She stumbles out the door, her pride in shambles.
But Nate picks her. Picks up the pieces.
She's surprised. But she lets him kiss her and doesn't complain.
Until she thinks he's sneaking off to kiss Blair Waldorf. Blair needs to suck it up and walk it off. Not chase after Vanessa's boyfriend like a lovesick puppy. Not only is it annoying as hell, but it's also demeaning to Blair. Vanessa can hardly watch her blink her eyes at Nate. It's disgusting. What happened to her pride?
At the Vanderbilt party Vanessa and Blair are wearing almost the same thing. Hair half up and curly, check. Red lipstick, check. White cardigan, check. Black and white dress, check. Boyfriend?
Blair checks off her list with a happy smile and Vanessa stands around dumbly.
It's over. Yet again. Just when it started. Yet again.
Vanessa hardly knows what happened (Doesn't she feel like that every time?). One minute they're planning to backpack around Europe and she's telling him to reconnect with his grandfather, and the next: he's been branded with the Vanderbilt crest and hasn't he told her he's going to intern at the mayor's office? And he's thinking about Yale and he's swapping spit with Blair Waldorf in the park and she's…waking up in Chuck Bass's bed.
God, she's just as bad as Blair. Only worse. She can't stand herself. How did she get so low?
Vanessa tries to pretend it never happened, but when she gets the acceptance letter from NYU in the mail, all she can see is Nate's smiling face and those stupid SAT prep books.
Nate and Blair break up. He tells her at graduation. He wants to reinstate their backpacking plan.
And Vanessa can't say no. Because she has no pride when it comes to Nathaniel Archibald. She wants to swallow him whole, even when she's already so stuffed she couldn't possibly get more. She's a glutton for him.
With everything else, pride overwhelms her, making her dizzy. She spins on the wheel, high above the crowd.
A/N: So, this installment was a little hard to write. I'm not Vanessa's biggest fan, so getting inside her head was difficult. I can't tell whether this sucks or not. lol. Also, I tried to add in all the other sins in addition to pride, since it's "the sin from which all others arise." And I think that suits Vanessa, too. She always seems to be involved in other characters' business and not really have her own story. She's a part of everything, yet removed. Anyway, tell me what you think!