Serena: The Golden Princess of Gluttony

What it is: Gluttony is the uncontrollable desire to consume more than is required.

Why you do it: Weaned improperly as an infant. A troubled and unguided childhood.

Punishment: Force-fed rats, toads, and snakes. (Betrayers of secrets, social climbers, and douche bags; people you have to put up with because you're too blind to see them for what they are.)

You wouldn't think it to look at her, but Serena is as gluttonous as a pig.

Gossip Girl says, "I Like It Like That." Serena certainly does. She can't say no. She can't control herself.

She's the slutty whore, the blushing princess, and the paparazzi's darling IT girl.

She's done it all. Really. The parties, the sex, the drugs, the booze, the fashion, the luxury, the travel, the gossip, the press. The scandal. The excuses, the cover-ups, the black outs.

Party hard, die young. That's her motto.

Or at least, it used to be.

Serena tries to control her voracious appetites. She tries to turn over a new leaf. She tries to change.

Goodbye Svetlana and Savannah and Sangría.

Fresh off the train from boarding school, Serena tries to meet Blair's eyes, avoid Nate, and give the boy she's never talked to a second chance.

The start is rocky. Dan appears to have a problem with how much money she has, or something.

"This world is crazy," he says. "And you're part of it."

"What, and you didn't know that?" she asks.

"I don't know," he shrugs. "I thought you were different."

Um…it's not her fault she's privileged. If Dan wants someone to blame, blame her golden-fingered ancestors, gin-drinking granny, and multiple-divorcée of a mother. Serena can't help who she is. Even when she's at Chuck's dad's brunch as Dan's date, Serena has to sneak off to secretly meet up with Nate.

But it's not her fault! She swears.

First Blair hates her (framing her as a teenage drug addict in rehab at the Ostroff Center? Really, Blair?). Then they're friends again.

But it seems like no matter what she does, no matter how she tries, everything just falls into Serena's lap. Love, affection, adoration, worship galore. She and Nate fucked (despite his commitment to Blair). Eleanor wishes Serena was her daughter. The girls at school still bow to her opinion. She's invited to every party. She kills at Guitar Hero, her teachers adore her, she's traveled the world. There's a perfume named after her tears, someone made a movie about her life, and her hair always looks fabulous. She's blonde, and beautiful, and everything always fits. Everything always looks good, no matter if she threw it on before racing out the door, or even if she just rolls out of bed. She glows like an irresistible, exotic flower, the scent so alluring the poor petals are slightly puzzled with the butterflies that hover for days and days and days. Nate isn't over her. Dan is in love with her. Chuck tries to hook up with her (well…he tries to hook up with anything that has a vagina, so…). Carter still wants her. That guy from Dalton keeps texting her. And the super cute bellboy always throws her an inviting wink.

She can't help lapping it up like a puppy.

(Unlike Blair, who seems to lap it up and then spit it out. Serena tries to be there for her friend (it's what friends do), but she does not understand why Blair purges. Control? The only thing Serena needs to control is how much she parties, which has been going fine. Sad? Serena is never sad—sure she cries sometimes, but laughter is inevitably right on its tale. Low self esteem? Um…Serena doesn't even know what that is. Plus, throwing up tastes bad. Serena doesn't like when things taste bad. She likes to scarf down yummy things, like champagne and chocolate-covered strawberries and cheese burgers and foie gras and Rufus' waffles. Serena doesn't know what she would do if she got a bad taste in her mouth… spit it out and never do it again??)

Serena can get away with saying she wants to "bag as many billionaires as she can before she's thirty" because…she's Serena Van der Woodsen. Golden mermaid dress aside. (In fact, the mermaid look works for her because she's Serena Van der Woodsen. Following Cotillion, that custom couture dress pattern showed up in every high fashion label worth knowing in the spring.)

Everybody adores Serena Van der Woodsen. And she loves them all back. She loves them all.

And she loves the attention. And she loves the gossip. And she loves the perks.

Dan thinks she's privileged…and he's right. Even when she tries to do the right thing and turn herself in for the poor pool party mishap, there's always somebody out there looking over her shoulder, making sure she doesn't get her dainty toes too wet. It's not like she asked for Bart Bass to intercede. It's not like she asked Chuck to tell him about it.

Ugh, Chuck Bass. The bane of her existence. Serena seriously thinks he lives to torture her. Pervy comments. Befriending impressionable young Erik. Sending her disgusting (and illegal) "presents." It's his own fault Bart kicked him out of the family penthouse (though really, Serena almost wishes she would be blessed that way, and not have to deal with Bart and Lily's revolting pre-marriage bedroom eyes and innuendo). It's no wonder Chuck is friendless and girlfriendless and his own father can't stand the sight of him.

It tastes so good to hate Chuck.

Until Georgina comes to town. That kEraZy b!tCh always knows how to make Serena say yes. It's been such a long time! Party? Ok! Drinks? Ok! Coke? Ok!! Party?! OK!!! Savannah and Svetlanna?! OK!!!! Serena LOVES G!!!!!!! It's so good to giggle and guzzle and shine in the center of the club, a giant golden halo surrounding her.

It's good until the next morning. When Serena realizes that she's missed the SATs. And that she has to ask Chuck, her future stepbrother (UGH) for help. Thanks a lot, Georgina. You crazy bitch Serena hates you. Serena can't stand your dark eyeliner and raised eyebrow and pale lipstick and conniving smirk. Serena hates Georgina, the rat-faced bitch. Serena hates getting roofied and lied to and being blackmailed. She hates lying to her best friend and future step brother and her boyfriend butshehasnochoice. She has no choice.

She's killed someone.

(Serena always was a drama queen.)

As always, everything turns out all right. Chuck and Blair clean up her mess, Dorota cleans up the actual mess she made in the bathroom, Lily pats her on the head and hooray G is gone!

And with her goes the last Sparks of her love for Dan. Oh, they "breakup" for the summer and "hookup" in August and "breakup" again…but the fizzle starts dying when Georgina enters the scene, barely bubbles a little when she leaves, and is completely flat by the time school comes around in the fall. And flat anything (soda, boobs, shoes, and especially romance), does not leave a good taste in Serena's pouty mouth.

So the rightful queen bares her teeth, kicks Dan in the stomach, and ties a scarf around Blair's pale elegant neck. God, it tastes good to order Penelope and Hazel around (those little social-climbing toads), to coordinate with the girls, to shake her head at Dan (we think you're a joke, shove your hope where it don't shine) and know he's being ostracized by the rest of his classmates just because of her say so. Gossip Girl may have the power to blast a subject here or there, and Blair might dress the part and narrow her eyes and lift up her chin to her heart's content, but Serena is the true queen. Everything is just so easy; it falls in her lap; she can't not do it.

She can't say no to Poppy dragging her around to all the hottest clubs in the city. She can't say no to being the finale to Eleanor's fashion show. She can't say no to stealing Yale from Blair—the Dean gushed and Blair freaked and it was so easy.

Serena eats up the attention like the whore she is.

When Aaron Rose asks her out, she goes along with it. But Serena is used to being the only whore in the picture—not just a face in a long line of current women. She is a shining star, not to be outshined by Blair or anybody else, least of all some artsy hipster bitch from Queens.

Even in the midst of the funeral for the Billionaire Building Baron (Big Bad Bart Bass), Serena is still in the spotlight: in the middle of a tug of war between two boys who are equally in love with her. Aaron frowns and grabs her hand, Dan smiles and holds her tightly. And Dan—who is, let's face it, a little flat for Serena's taste—even he is bubblier than Aaron and his monotone voice. And Aaron turns out to be a douche (thank God, too, because pretending she's given up alcohol is a too long stretch from the truth, even for Serena, whose lips lie so well and always match her eyes when they do).

So as her best friend is trying to purge her feelings (and stomach?) and gets lost in the machinations of Jack, and as her step-brother retreats from the sweet and flakey upper crust into the shady world below (which he's done before, and always recovered from), and as her widowed mother tries to keep a secret buried, and as her little brother tries to swallow down his hurt and ignore the unused scotch decanter—basically as the world falls apart, Serena parties it up in Argentina. Things may be going badly for everyone else, but nothing ever rains on Serena's parade. She is sunshine and flowers and kittens and sugar and spice and everything nice, after all.

Winter break is so much fun! And when she returns to the Upper East Side, golden curls fresh and bouncy, her low-cut white sweater clinging to her curves, and her latest Mackage leather jacket all the rage, Serena immediately hooks back up with Dan. Why not?

Although, it gets a little complicated (doesn't it always with them?). Their parents appear to have had a child together. And are still in love. And being the step-sister of her boyfriend…even for Serena, that's a little icky.

It doesn't taste very good.

Dan spouts off about boxes and compartmentalizing things and keeping everything separate, but Serena does not understand what he's talking about (and she doesn't understand the opera, either. Tristan und Isolde? First of all, Isolde is a gross name. Second of all, why didn't she just divorce that stupid king guy and marry Tristan if she loved him so much? She was a queen, after all. And everyone knows that queens have all the power.)

Apparently those boxes or whatever don't work for Dan. One minute she and Dan are making out on his bed, the next, he's meeting Serena's English teacher for coffee late at night and touching her cheek in a way that advertises to the world that their meeting is not one of a normal student-teacher relationship.

Seeing that does funny things to Serena's stomach. Dan and Rachel Carr does not a good thing make to Serena.

So she dumps his ass, flirts with a play director (all the good ones are gay…), vents her anger at Blair, and throws a temper tantrum when Jenny the retro-snob tries to ruin her own birthday party. Jumping a plane to Spain is the perfect get away from it all. And so are Gabriel's deep blue eyes (which match her own, btw. Serena has always believed that good things come in pairs. Like shoes. And tight jeans. And diamond earrings).

Now she has a tall, handsome, blonde and blue-eyed boyfriend (So what if he was with Poppy first? He chose Serena, that's all. Gabriel knows a good thing when he sees it. And Poppy shouldn't cry about it, either. Wasn't she the one who told Serena to shine? Poppy shouldn't cry if (and when) Serena outshines Poppy. It's not Serena's fault). Gabriel is a man. He has a deep voice and broad chest and an honest-to-God business. No more high school boys for Serena.

Though…that business doesn't turn out to be all that honest.

Or real.

And neither is the façade of Gabriel or Poppy. Both are just conniving snakes who are trying to dupe UES royalty into giving them billions. Serena is pretty disappointed in Gabriel. And pissed off as hell at Poppy (that bitch was her friend! Doesn't she know that it's girls before pearls?)

Serena is primed to make Poppy pay—but her mother has other ideas. As in, No-Serena-don't-cause-a-scandal-I'm-sending-you-to-jail-instead. (Yeah, like no one would think being sent to prison by your own mother wasn't scandalous.)

Whatever. Georgina works her scary magic on Poppy and they get the money back. Not that Serena wants to know exactly what G had to do in order to get it…but she knew things would work out.

Everything always does for Serena Van der Woodsen.

And where does Gossip Girl get off on saying that Serena Van der Woodsen doesn't matter? Hello Gossip Girl, you're blasts would be cut in half if you never blogged about Serena Van der Woodsen. And Serena is not irrelevant. She is the shit (or well, maybe not that. Serena is more the blitz, the glam, the party—the it rather than the shit. Shit is gross. And Serena is anything but).

Serena Van der Woodsen makes Page Six all by herself—she doesn't need Gossip Girl! Her golden curls are copied in every hair boutique in Manhattan (the Rachel is out, the Serena is in). Her form is featured in fashion shows. Her tears name a perfume. Her smile inspired an entire art show. One of her dark orifices is featured in bus ads. No one can get away from Serena Van der Woodsen. She's fucking everywhere. [1]

And Serena likes it like that.

She wants to be everywhere, inescapable, her face plastered on every building and billboard and magazine cover. She loves the attention: the stories, the invites, the press and paparazzi and pictures. She loves seeing that gleam of interest in boys' eyes, and that awed and envying look on girls' faces. She loves how everyone knows her name. She owns New York, the fashion scene, and the Internet. She is beautiful and envied and gets in to any college she wants and wears whatever she wants, and is always in vogue. She is IT. (And maybe she'll finally get the attention she longs for…More than a short hug and wallet full of credit cards from Lily. More than an unopened returned letter from her father.)

Who is Serena trying to kid? She doesn't want control—she isn't made for control. She's wild and hot and glamorous and everything a girl should be. She's the golden princess at the top and everyone falls to her feet, catering to her every wish, cleaning up her messes, drying her tears, feeding her juicy, delicious things.

Serena licks her lips and wants it all. She doesn't even care if she chokes.

[1] Gossip Girl by Cecily von Ziegesar.