So, I'm back with another update. It's been a little while, I blame Spring Break, which started for me at the end of last week, I've been enjoying too much fun in the sun. Anyway, I managed to write an update and hopefully you all enjoy it. I want to thank everyone reading and especially everyone reviewing, you fuel my writing.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. The characters belong to Tommy Lynch.

Enjoy!

Only Fooling Myself

I walk through my door. I don't bother being quiet. I don't bother sneaking around, that would imply some kind of guilt, and how could I ever feel guilty for spending time with Spencer? I know before I push my bedroom door open that she's awake, I know without a doubt in my mind, that she's sitting there on my bed waiting. It doesn't surprise me when that's exactly what I see when I push the door open. She's dressed and ready for work as she sits there with her arms crossed, a mixture of hurt and anger taking over her face as she examines me, as she takes in what I'm wearing, the same thing I was wearing from the night before.

I turn away from her. I can't stand to look at her because I think she's been crying. I think I see tearstains on her cheeks and I can't bear to see them. I can't see what I know I'm the cause of, what I don't want to be the cause of. So, I don't face her. I turn my back and begin rummaging through my drawers, not searching for anything in particular but just needing something to do.

"You didn't come back last night." It's said softly, weakly and I think I've finally done it. I've finally broken this girl that's done nothing wrong, that's done nothing but love me. I turn to face her and she looks so defeated, so fragile that I have to swallow thickly, I have to stop the urge to cry that I feel.

"I had a lot to think about." I give her a half truth, because right now, I can't stand to lie to the eyes boring into mine.

She closes her eyes, squeezes them shut so tightly I wonder if it hurts. And I think it might because there are tears traveling down her cheeks. I know she's aware of who was on my mind, who always seems to be there no matter what. "I should get to work."

Part of me wants to grab for her, pull her in so tightly and apologize for every tear I've caused, every moment of sadness or doubt that I'm responsible for. But I can't, because there's another part of me, a much greater part that won't give her false hope, won't deceive her into thinking that there's more to us than killing time. So, I don't move from my spot. I watch her get up and walk out, not bothering to say goodbye, I don't think she has it in her to do it, even she can't pretend that she doesn't see the true nature of our relationship in this moment.

I listen for the shutting of the front door before I undress. I pull away these layers and head for the shower. I make my way to what I know will help relieve how tightly wound I now am. I walk into the bathroom and shut the door behind me as the memory of a late night confession plays in my head. As I see me wrapped in Spencer, wanting to never let go, but knowing that I have to because she's no longer mine. I'm no longer the one she comes home to every night, the one she recounts her days to, I've been replaced and it hurts so much to think about that, to realize the truth in that statement.

I allow the spray of the water to take me over, drowning out everything else around me, because at least here, under this shower, I don't feel as empty, I don't feel as hopeless, I just don't feel. I need this moment, I need this shower's ability to completely disregard everything outside its walls. But as I look into blue eyes, feel perfect hands wrap themselves around me, my ability to not feel disappears. It vanishes as this, too real a fantasy takes over my senses. Her imagined presence completely destroys this sanctuary of mine, and all I want to do is escape. I want to run far enough away so that this feeling of emptiness that has taken over can never find me, never invade me again.

But, even as I step out of the shower the feeling doesn't disappear, if anything, it seems to double, it sends shivers through my body. I walk into my bedroom and begin to get dressed. I don't really pay too much attention to what I'm doing. I grab a top and a pair of jeans, but I don't stop to examine what it is I grabbed. Before long, I'm dressed and in my car. I'm driving to Kyla and Glen's house. This has become so routine that I don't even realize that I've arrived until Kyla opens the door and invites me in.

I'm sitting at her kitchen counter, watching her make herself a sandwich. "You'll spoil your dinner if you eat that." I say casually.

"No I won't, I've got time."

"You know how Mr. C gets when you don't finish your plate." I say in a sing song voice.

"I'll take my chances."

I roll my eyes and she begins to laugh, we have this conversation way too often.

"So, I take it you're still going to dinner then."

I look at her, the smile fading just slightly. "Yeah, why wouldn't I?"

"I don't…I just thought after last night…I just thought you wouldn't be up to seeing Spencer tonight."

"Hasn't stopped me before." It's said softly, too softly. If I hadn't been the one to say it, it would've gone unnoticed.

"Ash-"

"Don't Kyla, okay? Just don't." I stop her because I know exactly what she's going to say. We've had this conversation way too often as well. I jump off the counter and make my way towards her front door, with her right on my heels, the sandwich long forgotten in the kitchen.

I make it to the door before she grabs my hand and pulls me back. "You're being stupid for the record…you both are."

I try again to make my way out of her house, but she's holding onto my arm too firmly. Finally, I accept that she's not about to let me leave, so I turn and face her, not being able to help the narrowing of my eyes in her direction.

"You heard me, you're both acting like complete idiots."

I take a deep breath. "Look, Kyla-"

"No, I'm talking, you're listening." She grips onto my arm a little tighter and leads me to the living room and seats me on the couch there. "I get it, okay? I really do get it. When things went wrong between you two, they really went bad. And I know that you both got hurt, you both said some things that cut a little too deeply, and you're both trying to deal with the aftermath of all that. I understand that. I know how hard it is to give yourself up to someone, especially if you've been hurt in the past. Trust me, I get it. But, I see the way you look at her, the way she still looks at you. I know you miss her and there's no doubt in my mind that she misses you, but the thing that gets me is why you're both not doing anything about it. I just can't, for the life of me, figure out why you guys aren't together when it's so obvious you both want to be." She stops and looks up at me, finally deciding to take a seat beside me.

I, on the other hand, am speechless. I can't even turn to face her. I just sit there, not saying a word, just fiddling with my hands. It feels like forever before I can even muster up the words to speak. My throat is dry and the words seem forced when they finally come out. "It's not that easy, you know it's not."

"Yeah, well, it should be."

"But it's not. We can't just pretend that nothing happened. Besides she has Stacey and I-"

"Have Kelly?" I close my eyes and clench my jaw. "Because, if that's your excuse, then things are really wrong."

"I just want her to be happy, Kyla. I just want Spencer to be happy, and if she has that with…Stacey then I'm not gonna get in the way of that."

"You're already in the way." I turn to look at her, the tears having long filled my eyes. "You were in the way long before Stacey ever entered the picture. When it comes to the two of you, you're never not gonna be in the way Ashley, and both you and Spencer know that." With that she gets up and walks into the kitchen, leaving me there speechless.