So, I'm back with yet another update and it's another long one. I want to thank all of you reading and especially those of you leaving me reviews, it gets me to update sooner. This chapter is a little intense, so I hope you all enjoy it. Oh and I'm warning you now that things get a little R rated.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. The characters belong to Tommy Lynch.

Enjoy!

Say It Again

I pull up to the Carlin house a little after seven. I'm already late, but I can't help sitting out in the driveway a little while longer. I'm bracing myself before I walk up to the door and face the music. I close my eyes and take a deep breath before making my way out of the car. I stop right outside the door, just as nervous as I was on my first visit here, just as I am every Sunday when I come over for dinner. Nothing's really changed, I'm just as overwhelmed with being near the gorgeous blonde behind that door as I ever was.

Before I even get the chance to knock, the door is pulled open and she's standing there staring straight at me. She has a smile on her face and, just for a moment, I forget that she's not mine, I forget anything and everything that isn't her.

"Planning on staying out here all night?" With that, I'm brought out of my thoughts, I'm brought to a very real Spencer standing there, smiling at me.

"No, but now that you mention it, it is really nice out here." I take a deep breath in and exhale to emphasize that.

"Too bad, I need you to save me."

I quirk an eyebrow. "From?"

"My parents. Kyla and Glen bailed and since you decided to take your sweet time getting here, I've been alone with my mom for the past twenty minutes. Twenty minutes!" She stresses the last two words and her face is just a little flushed. I try not to let her see the smile that's quickly spreading across my face, but as our eyes meet, I know it's too late. "Oh, you think this is funny?"

"No." I try my hardest to say it with meaning, but the laugh that escapes from my lips completely discredits this assertion.

"Okay." She has a smirk on her lips and I know this isn't heading anywhere good.

"Spence-"

Before I even get the chance to finish my sentence, she has turned her head away from me and said the four words I've come to dread. "Mom, guess who's here?"

"I can't believe you did that." The words have barely left my lips before I'm being pulled into a hug by Paula and dragged into the house. I turn my head to find Spencer smiling smugly at me. I stick my tongue out at her and mouth the word 'payback' as Paula begins leading me into the dining room, where Arthur is setting the table.

"Finally, I was beginning to think you had bailed on us too." He says before pulling me into a hug, I can't help but smile as he does it.

"You know I'd never miss a Sunday dinner when you're in the kitchen." He smiles at me and I return it until I hear someone clearing their throat. "No offense." I say directing it to Paula. "I love your cooking too. It's really just that one over there that scares me." I say pointing in Spencer's direction.

"Hey!" She says, looking around for validation.

"Sorry sweetie, but you're a disaster in the kitchen." I smile at Paula as she pats Spencer on the shoulders.

"Thanks guys." She rolls her eyes at her parents and glares in my direction, but eventually she starts smiling and a laugh escapes her lips. "Can we have dinner now?"

We all laugh and take a seat at the table. I take a seat between Paula and Spencer. "Wow Mr. C, this all looks amazing."

He smiles at me and we all join hands as he begins saying grace. I can't quite focus on the words coming out of his mouth, I'm too overwhelmed with the feeling of Spencer's hand in my own. I can't help sneaking a look in her direction, seeing her looking right at me, her thump beginning to graze over the knuckles of my right hand. I know I shouldn't be doing this, I shouldn't be indulging in this moment, but I am, I'm milking it for all it's worth.

All too soon our moment ends, our hands retreat to their respective sides, and our eyes find purchase on the food being loaded onto our plates.

"So Ash, how's the album coming along." Paula asks before sipping on her wine.

"It's not." She raises a perfectly quaffed brow and I just shrug my shoulders. "I'm guess, I'm waiting for inspiration to hit." I go back to eating the food on my plate, subtly glancing over at Spencer who's giving me a knowing smirk.

"What about you Spence? How's the gallery?" Arthur adds in.

"Good. We're having a show next week, so it's a little busy right now, but other than that things are great." She finishes then takes a sip of her drink.

"That's good to hear." He smiles at the both of us and we can't help smiling back at him.

"So, how's Kelly?" As quickly as that smile had taken my face, it just as quickly disappears. I lower my eyes momentarily, too afraid to set them on any one place. I brace myself before speaking, I can already see the cracks this question has caused to Spencer's wall. So, I try and lessen the blow, I clear my throat and turn to face Paula.

"She's good." That's all I say, that's all I can say. I can feel the tension that seems to be radiating from the blonde beside me, and I want to go back to before that question was asked, I want to go back to when our hands touched, our eyes met, and we smiled a smile meant just for one another. I don't want to stay in this moment, this feeling. This inability to get Spencer to look at me, this inability to force myself to look at her.

"And how's Stacey?" I feel like the wind's been knocked right out of me with that question. I know it's selfish when I tune out the response, when I purposely stop listening to the words coming out of her mouth. I hate that those words were strung together to ask that question, that it was even thrown into this space, completely disrupting this environment. But, I think he says it out of fairness, he throws it on the table to make us equal.

I guess I should be used to this. I should be prepared for these questions, they come out every Sunday, but each and every time they do I react the same way. I let them invade this carefree connection between Spencer and I. I let them shatter this perfect illusion we've created. But tonight it's different, they seem to hit a little harder, cut a little deeper and I realize it's because Kyla's not here, she's not here to buffer the situation, to veer it to a less awkward course.

"So dad, how's work?" But Spencer tries, she attempts to bring us back. It doesn't work though, her attempt does nothing to help. It fails to remove the black cloud that seems to be hovering above us. And as he begins to answer her question, I know that cloud will continue to linger above us, never quite straying too far away.

The rest of the dinner is eaten in relative silence. A few comments and questions are thrown out here and there but the majority of the meal is eaten in the most deafening quiet I've ever experienced in this house.

After we're all done, I help Paula clear the plates, grabbing mine and Spencer's while she grabs hers and Arthur's plate. I walk into the kitchen behind her and set the plates in the sink before turning around and making my way towards the door.

"She misses you, you know?" I stop. I can't really help it. Of all the things I ever thought I'd hear come out of Paula's mouth, those words were nowhere near close. "I know that sometimes it doesn't seem like it, but I know that deep down, she misses you more than she'll admit." I'm just standing there, facing the door, not being able to move, shock holding me to this spot.

"I know." It comes out as a whisper, said so softly in an effort to protect this absolute truth from the catastrophe that surrounds the outside world.

"So, what're you gonna do about it?"

I squeeze my eyes shut and finally turn and face her. "There's nothing I can do." My eyes opening slowly as those words leave my lips.

"Look, I get that I wasn't your biggest fan when you and Spencer first started dating. Hell, back then I'd be the last person to say this, but you two belong together. Don't get me wrong, I like Stacey, I think she's a great girl, and considering how things ended between you and Spence, I'd prefer her to be with Stacey…if that made her happy. But I see the way she looks at you when she thinks no one else is watching, I notice how much more she smiles when you're around and I know you're who she wants. I've never seen anything close to what you two have together when she's with Stacey. And I know you know that. I know you see it, so don't tell me you can't do anything about it, because you and I both know you can."

My eyes flutter shut for a moment before they open again. "And what if you're wrong? What if I'm not what she wants anymore?"

She smiles, she actually smiles at me and I'm not sure how to take that. "I'm not wrong, and you know that, just don't let the past stop you from being together, it wouldn't be fair, to either of you." She walks to my still body, squeezes my shoulder and makes her way out of the door.

For the second time today, I'm left speechless. I'm completely stunned into silence. I just follow her into the dining room, not being able to control anything else about my body at the moment.

We walk in to find Arthur there picking up the glasses with Spencer nowhere in sight. He must have read the question on my mind and answers it without me having to ask. "She's in her room."

I give him a grateful smile before making my way up the stairs and to Spencer's childhood room. When I get to the door, I knock before slowly opening the door and walking in, finding her lying on her back on the bed, eyes closed. I don't say anything as I take a seat at the end of her bed. We sit in silence for a few minutes before I break it.

"I still can't believe you were a cheerleader." I say glancing around the room. "Had I known, we wouldn't have been friends." I finish, glancing back in her direction.

She rolls her eyes but I can see the smile she's trying so hard to hide. "Please, you were lucky I was friends with you, besides, I was a cheerleader for like…less than a month."

"Yeah and that was enough." I laugh and get a pillow thrown at my head for my efforts.

"As I recall, you didn't really mind the whole cheerleading thing in the end." She says, a smirk plastered on her face.

"Yeah, well, at that point it was working in my favor." I look over again and find her blushing, causing the smile on my face to grow.

"Shut up." She says tossing yet another pillow at me.

We sit in silence once again, just letting a comfortable silence engulf us. "So…I had a pretty interesting conversation with your mom."

"Yeah? I had one with my dad."

I lift myself up off the end of the bed and scoot back until I'm laying on my back next to Spencer, with only the tiniest bit of space separating us. "It's a smart strategy really, divide and conquer." We both laugh at that before the quiet takes us over again.

She props herself up on her elbow and faces me. "So, what'd you and mom talk about?"

I laugh nervously and answer honestly. "You." I turn on my side and prop myself up facing her as well. "What'd you and your dad talk about?"

"You."

"It really was a tag team mission, wasn't it?" I can't help it when I start laughing.

But as her hand comes up to guide a stray curl behind my ear, her hand lingering there with no intention of moving, her thumb brushing back and forth over my skin, the humor seems to leave this moment, taking its laughter with it. Her thumb slowly traces over my lips and I close my eyes, I have to, it's the only response I have at the moment. When her hand leaves my skin I open my eyes to find her staring at me, her gaze so intense that I can't look away.

I don't register what I'm doing until I feel my fingers graze over her soft skin, drawing circles under her shirt while moving her body so much closer to me. Her eyes close and her breathing changes just slightly and that's all I need. It's enough confirmation to have me move closer, leaving barely any space between us. She rests her forehead against mine, the struggle between her wants and responsibility evident on her face.

"Ash." It's a whisper, a pleading one, but I'm not sure what it's asking of me. So, I make a decision. I don't hesitate, I don't give my brain the opportunity to stop and rethink the choice I'm making.

I kiss her. Our lips crash together in a way they haven't in more than a year. I claim her lips between mine, hoping that in that moment they're telling her all the words my voice failed to relay. My hand tangles in her hair as she kisses me back, bringing her tongue to trace my lips, asking for permission that's immediately granted. She deepens our kiss and I can't hold back the moan that seems to escape.

Before I know it, I'm on top of her and we're moving in a rhythm that's all our own. Her hands get lost in my curls as mine travel across every inch of her body, reacquainting myself. I kiss her jaw, slowly making my way to her neck, sucking on her pulse point before moving a little further down. She's gripping onto my hips, pulling me down onto her body, removing any space that had been there before. Before I realize it, my shirt is being pulled over my head and she's kissing down my neck and chest, her hands everywhere on my back. I get lost in the sensation of her kissing my already heating skin, a thigh slips between my own and I can't help pushing against it, placing pressure where I really need it to be. She sits up as I remove her shirt and toss it behind me, my hand going around and unclasping her bra and guiding it off of her body. She lays down, exposing the top half of her body to me, I can't help reveling in the sight and feel of it. My hand burns a trail down her body, starting at her neck, moving down her chest, my thumb grazing over a nipple, it hardening almost immediately, and finally going around to wrap her leg around my body, pressing my thigh into her a little more. Her back arches at the contact and her teeth gently sink into my shoulder. I lower myself on her, kissing her neck then right below her collar bone. I continue to kiss down her chest before finally taking a hardening nipple into my mouth and circling my tongue around it, dragging my teeth against it gently before soothing it with my tongue, all the while, my hands are working on the buttons on her jeans.

It's at that moment realization dawns. It hits like a splash of cold water and suddenly her hands are on mine, stopping mine. I pull back slightly as her hands remove mine from where they were perched. She stares at me, my hands cradled in hers, my mouth hanging slightly open, the fear and doubt evident in her eyes. I sigh and roll myself off of her and onto the bed beside her. We both lay there for what seems like forever, not bothering to move, not making a move for the items that were tossed aside, we just lay there completely exposed.

Then, her hands are on her face, rubbing at her eyes. "That shouldn't have happened…we shouldn't have…that just shouldn't have happened." She's shaking her head as her hands push a little harder onto her eyes.

I lay there silently, not quite sure of what to say or what to do in this moment.

"God, that shouldn't have happened." She turns to face me, asking for my confirmation, begging for it really, but right now all I can give her is silence. "Aren't you going to say something?"

"What do you want me to say Spencer?" When I finally speak, the words come out so calmly that it surprises me. It astounds me that I'm not losing my cool as the weight of what just happened falls securely on my shoulders.

"I don't know Ash, something, anything!" I look at her but remain quiet. "I mean, we just…we almost…we just crossed a line. We crossed a huge fucking line."

She gets up from the bed, grabbing her shirt and bra on the way and throwing them on quickly. I, on the other hand, don't make a move for my discarded shirt. I just lay there staring at the ceiling.

When she doesn't say anything else, I remove my gaze from the ceiling and find her staring at me. "So what, you're just gonna lay there and say nothing?"

"I don't know what you want me to say Spence. Cause I'm not gonna apologize. I'm not gonna call this a mistake when everything inside me is screaming that it's not. So, tell me Spence, tell me exactly what it is you wanna hear."

"I don't know, okay? I just don't know." She lowers her head in defeat and I take my opportunity. I make my way to her, stopping just short of actually touching her. I touch my hand to her chin, bringing it up until her eyes meet my own, her eyes closing almost immediately.

"Spencer." She doesn't say anything, she doesn't open her eyes. "Please look at me." Tears make their way down her face as her eyes squeeze shut a little tighter. "Please?" Her eyes finally come open and meet mine and I have to take a deep breath. "I love you. God, I love you more than anything else in this world, and I know you feel the same about me." Her head nods slightly and I can't help smiling "I can't live without you, trust me I've tried, but I just can't, and I really don't want to. I want to lose myself in you every moment of every single day. I want to kiss you without having you pull away, to make love to you without the guilt of hurting someone else looming over us. I want you so bad Spencer. I just want you." I lean forward, pressing my lips to hers gently, and just for a moment I think she'll kiss me back, that she'll once again get lost in this moment but she doesn't, she pulls away.

"I can't Ash. God, I wish it was this simple. I wish I could just kiss you and have nothing else matter. I wanna be able to get lost in you without these fucked up memories rushing to my head, but I can't. We had our chance Ashley, we had it and we blew it." The tears I'd been holding back spill over, they speed down my face showing no sign of slowing down. "I'm sorry. I am. But I can't. I gave you my heart once and you didn't just break it Ash, you completely shattered it and I can't take that risk with you…I wouldn't be able to take it a second time."

"Spence-" I go to grab hold of her hand but she backs away, she takes a step away from me and shakes her head as the tears come down harder.

"I love you. I really do, but I can't give myself to you again. I don't feel safe to."

She walks away, she walks right passed my stunned being. "Tell me you love her." The words leave my lips as her hand connects with the doorknob, I turn around to face her, knowing she can't lie to me in this moment.

"What?"

"Tell me you love her, that she's the one, that she means more to you than I ever did. Say all that and I'll back off. I'll stop holding on to us. Just tell me that she's what you really want and I'll be happy for you." I'm barely a foot away as the last word leaves my lips. "Honestly tell me that you love her and I'll accept it."

Her eyes shut tightly, her jaw clenching. "Ashley." She opens her eyes and stares into mine, begging for me to just let this go.

"Tell me she's what you want."

Her voice is so soft when the words come out, it's so quiet that I barely hear the words coming from her lips. "I can't." With that she walks out of the room, leaving me to watch her go, a small smile playing at my lips.