Authors Note: Ok folks, this is it. Thanks for taking this long winding jeourny with me. THanks to everyone who read and reviewed, and to lgmtreader for beign my beta and just letting my throw ideas off of her until something stuck.

Disclaimer: I wouldn't even pretend to own them.

He was at home. Odd, he could have sworn he was just at the CBI. He remembered being on the roof; Lisbon was there, so were Cho and Rigsby and Van Pelt. But it was Lisbon he was remembering now. She had found out that he had been drinking – not that there was anything wrong with that, he was still doing his job just fine. But now he was home, and he was alone.

It was a beautiful day, the sun was streaming through the windows. He could feel the breeze and smell the salt air coming in the open back door. He smiled and walked towards it. There would only be one reason that the back door was open, his wife and daughter were out there. He stepped out onto the porch looking out over the backyard that fell to the beach… and she was there.

He paused when he saw her. This wasn't quite right, it wasn't his wife, it was… Lisbon. He walked towards her, sitting in the sand in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, her hair blowing in the wind. He wanted to touch her, but was afraid that she would disappear.

She turned to look at him then and smiled. "I was wondering when you would get here."

He knew now that he was dreaming. This is not the Lisbon that he had seen last, this was the Lisbon of a year ago, the Lisbon he knew before that night in the hotel room. This was the Lisbon that loved him, that was willing to sleep with him and then go back to normal because she had wanted that time with him. This is the Lisbon that he would never get back, and while it lasted he would be ok with that.

"Lisbon, I'm sorry I've been so…" He was at a loss for words, how had he been acting exactly? Like a jerk, he'd ignored her, tortured himself with what couldn't be.

"Jane, I know. I know that you haven't been yourself. I know that you thought that what you were doing was for the best." She stood facing him now, pulling him to her.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." He found himself crying into her shoulder, grasping at her, not wanting to ever let her go. He was stroking her hair, her back; wanting to convince himself that she was real, that this wasn't some sort of dream. "I love you, I have for ages; but I can't… I can't do that to my wife."

"I know Jane, I know. I love you too. I know you love your wife, I know you want Red John before moving on. I know that." Jane wished again that this wasn't a dream. That this was the real Lisbon saying these things to him; that she was real and there in front of him.

"I don't regret that night; I've never regretted it, not really. I regretted the next morning. I never should have told you it was a mistake, I should have held on to you for all that I had." He was talking to the top of her head, his lips pressed to her hair.

He pulled her back so that he could see her face. She had tears in her eyes too. Why was his dream Lisbon crying? She should be happy and smiling that beautiful playful smile of hers. "Don't cry, please don't cry. I'll do better. I'll stop being such an ass, such a coward. I'll stop drinking, I know I lied to myself when I said that you didn't notice, when I said that you couldn't tell; I knew you could. I'm sorry. I'll do better. I will. Even if I'm not happy, even if I'm haunted by thoughts of what if, I'll be happy for you. I just don't want to lose you."

"You're not going to lose me Jane; I'll always be there. Just don't lose yourself." She smiled at him now, bittersweet and beautiful. He knew it was a dream, but he couldn't help it, he cupped her cheek with his hand and leaned down to kiss her, pressing his lips to hers softly, moving against them in a familiar rhythm. He pulled her close with his other hand, not wanting to let her go; but at the same time, he knew that this dream world of light and sunshine was fading, and Lisbon was fading and the darkness was coming back.

It was the pain that finally woke him. Not the noises -- and there were plenty -- or the smells. He wondered why he was in pain. And then he remembered. He'd been hit by a car. How he knew that he didn't know. Probably the apparent lack of pain medication that was currently keeping his head clear enabled him to remember what had happened to land him here. He hated hospitals. He tried to focus on the pain, tried to figure out what he had injured, but his whole body seemed to throb.

He didn't open his eyes; there in the back of his mind was the image of Lisbon on the beach with windswept hair. He could feel in his gut the pain that was still there, but for the time he'd been gone, Lisbon had been there for him; he'd not been haunted by the drinking, by her engagement. He wondered if in real life she would be there, if she would be waiting to find out what had happened to him, why he had run into the street.

He wondered himself. He'd been ready to end it all up on the roof, to try to fly, but now… Now that he had that image of Lisbon, he wondered, was it all worth it? The pain was proof that he hadn't died, and he was actually glad for it. He'd been so ready to end it up on that rooftop with the whole world laid out beneath him, but now…

Only, Cho knew what he had planned to do; and Lisbon, she said he needed help. He knew what kind of "help" she thought he needed; a rehab program, or worse, in-patient psychiatric care because of his suicide attempt in addition to the alcohol abuse. But he couldn't bear to be locked up in the mental facility again, locked up like a criminal. He knew that he could talk the doctors out of keeping him longer than necessary, even if he had to be a thorn in their sides; but Lisbon, she was a different matter. He didn't want her attention because of this; he didn't want her to think that his trying to kill himself was just a ploy for attention. It wasn't really. He'd truly been that disturbed, but he was over that now, he really was.

He was ready to turn over a new leaf, ready to admit that while he had screwed up and left Lisbon, he still wanted whatever part of her he could have in the new life she was planning. It wasn't ideal, but it was something. He tried to move, but then stopped, the pain was too bad. Why weren't they giving him pain medication? He needed something, anything, to dull the pain.

That thought gave him pause. Is that why they weren't giving him pain medication? Because of what he'd done? He'd just been drinking, too much alcohol, but no drugs. That was it. Would Lisbon have told the hospital, the doctors, that he couldn't have pain medication because of his… his problem? No, she wouldn't have, she couldn't have… but, then again, the more he thought about it, she probably had. Everything he knew of her pointed towards that. Everything he knew of her said that she would do all in her power to keep him safe now that she knew what the problem was. Would she think that in addition to the alcohol he'd been taking his sleeping pills as well? Because he hadn't -- Well, not very often. Would she have told the doctor that his running into traffic had been the direct result of his failed attempt to jump off a building? Probably, because even when he'd been in that tailspin she had cared.

He focused once more on the image of his dream Lisbon, watching her fade. He wanted her to be real so badly, and wondered if it was too late... Would she even consider him anymore, flawed and broken as he was? Was she so happy with Simon that she would never even consider him? What would he need to do to even have a chance? Or, would he need to just be there, fixed, at her side, supporting her when she said "I do" to another man. He opened his eyes the, struggling to focus, struggling to see anything through the mess of machines and wires that he was hooked up to. And he saw her, standing there, watching him, a look of pain and hope on her face as she looked him in the eyes; and he felt a small glimmer of hope again, hope that he might be able to once again be free.

Authors Note: I know, another one. SO, I'm not sure I like this ending. Now that I've saved Jane, I realized that I wanted to SAVE him. AS such, I'm working on a sequel. Not that it'll be up soon, but let me know if you'd be interested in something like that and I'll try to get it going as soon as possible.