I don't own Twilight. I do, however, own an unwelcome case of the flu.

Chapter Five

My heart was pounding wildly, out of control. Edward's face was a frozen mask of shock as my lips touched his. My intentions to lightly touch his cheek turned to dust the moment I made contact. Fire burned through my body as I held my mouth to Edward's. My breath was coming in erratic gasps, lungs dragging in air. It was like being burned in a painless fire, and I loved it. Until I realized what I was doing.

Abruptly I broke our connection, mortified. Edward stood motionless, unresponding. The sudden sting of rejection and chagrin knotted in my stomach. I turned in an instant, yanking out of his arms and dashing from the room. Running again, as always.

I made it two corners away from the room before a pair of strong arms encircled my waist and yanked me to a halt. My face was burning red with unnamed emotion and humiliation as I was spun around and made to look up.

"You kissed me, Bella," said Edward, eyes fixated on my face. I searched desperately inside of myself for that part of me that had been so eager to make a change. It was gone, that traitorous thing.

And then, it didn't matter anymore. Edward leaned down and put his mouth to mine. My instinctive paranoia ebbed away as my lips moved in synchronization with his. Molten lava flowed through my veins. Heat pulsed like an electric current between every place our bodies were connected.

When we finally broke apart, I opened my eyes-I didn't even remember closing them- and let Edward support my weight, with his arms still holding my waist. He probably thought I was ready to bolt a second time. I reassured him by taking my hands off his shoulders and placing them around his back to pull him closer.

We were still in this position when I spotted movement in a darkened doorway over Edward's shoulder. Alice's small outline was barely visible, but I still caught sight of her expression before she backed away and left without a sound. Edward felt me stiffen and immediately he dropped his arms and stepped back, leaving me with space that I no longer craved.

"I'm sorry," he said, voice low and subdued. "I shouldn't have assumed."

He looked torn, like he was half elated and half ridden with guilt. I understood that. He broke a promise-but then again, I instigated the whole situation. The strength of my sudden physical need was shocking and scared me to death. Underneath it all I was starting to wonder if this was even natural.

"But you were right," I told him. I was lying. He was much, much more than right, but I wasn't going to tell him that.

Instead of replying, Edward took my hand. "Lunch awaits, Bella."

And so do Alice and Jasper, I added to myself.

***

Lunch was short and quiet. Alice watched me nearly the whole time, uncharacteristically silent. Probably dying to ask me about my relationship, if I knew anything about her from our brief time together. Edward was talking to Jasper about something to do with the king, but I wasn't quite sure what. He sounded slightly troubled, but I barely noted this. My head was spinning with the recent turns in my relationships in my new world. Friends. Trust. Love. Love? No, not love. Love was out of the question. It wasn't even an answer, let alone a factor. It didn't exist-for me, anyway. I might be able to handle a physical relationship to the point of producing a heir. Nothing more.

Thinking of this made me wonder, with trepidation, if Edward thought this meant he could become more… physical, for lack of a better word, with me. Was that his only motive for his kissing me? Was his kindness only a hoax? I had no idea why he was being so callous so suddenly. He wasn't talking to me, or really even looking in my direction at all.

I was yanked from my foggy reverie by the feeling of Jasper's eyes on me. He kept a steady watch on me throughout the whole meal. Alice shot glares him, glares that he didn't see, because he was occupied with observing both Edward and I.

For some reason, being near him gave me the most peculiar sensation- I remained mostly calm, and wanted to trust him, and yet I was still paralyzed by the looks he passed in my direction. Why this was so I couldn't even begin to guess.

When we finished our lunch, Alice retired to her rooms, claiming to have a headache. Jasper soon followed suit, leaving me alone with Edward again.

An awkward silence ensued as we left the room. I wasn't actually certain where we were heading, because my sense of direction hadn't improved in the slightest. He lead and I followed. Neither of us said a word, though I felt as though my hand was too empty. Like I needed to have something there.

The bizarre, unnatural sensation of longing vanished when his hand took mine, casually enough to make it seem right. It certainly felt that way. I glanced up at him, expecting to see the jovial expression I was getting used to. Instead I saw a twisted kind of anguish. Edward's eyes burned with something I couldn't even begin to understand.

I made a little choking noise, holding in the powerful urge to cry. I was always too weak to control myself. Now was no exception. Little rivulets of salty water were running down my face.

Even in my state of constantly shifting, knife-edge emotions, I still knew the minute strong arms wrapped around my shoulders and under my knees, lifting me up. The ground fell away as Edward carried me, my sniffling now muffled by his body.

I heard a door slam, and then I was in Edward's lap, clutching the front of his shirt while he sat down on something. I waited, and soon enough the water from my eyes ceased to flow.

"I was beginning to think it was your intention to drown us both," Edward said. A startled hiccup of laughter burst out of me, surprising us both. I sighed and wiped at my eyes. I needed to gain some semblance of self-control, so that Edward would tell me what I wanted to know.

"Bella, I know what I did was wrong. I shouldn't be so impulsive, but-"

I cut him off immediately. "You called me Bella. You did that earlier, too," I said bluntly. He looked down at me, incredulous. I was suddenly conscious that I was in his lap still, pressing into his hard chest. I was all too aware of his face, only inches from mine, and how inappropriate this was. Then again, we were married. Did that make this right?

"You just suffered from a panic attack. I kissed you, for god's sake! And you're thinking about the fact that I called you Bella? Unbelievable," he muttered in disbelief. I only sat there, silent. I didn't have to wait for long.

"I call you Bella because it is short for Isabella, and more convenient for everyday use," he explained, sounding more than a little exasperated.

"Why do you care, Edward?" I asked quietly. His brow furrowed in confusion.

"Why do I care?" he repeated slowly, as if he wasn't quite sure what I was asking. "About calling you Bella?"

"No, about…me. Or rather, how I feel. What you do for me," I tried to clarify.

"I don't understand what you mean. What have I done for you, other than force myself upon you?" he asked bitterly, voice saturated with chagrin.

I blinked uncertainly. "You've never done that," I argued. "Tell me when you've done something even remotely close."

"I married you, for one. You were clearly unwilling. Then I chased you down the corridors and forced you to kiss me. You are clearly hurt in some way, and I just keep ripping that pain deeper. Do you not see that?"

The memory of Edward grabbing me and kissing me burned anew in my mind, and I knew he was wrong. I had wanted it to happen. I hadn't fought him, not like I would have not that long ago. To him, it was his entire fault. He didn't see just how skewed his impression of me was.

"No, Edward. You're not hurting me. You're sewing up the hole in me. Making me see that some people are worth knowing. You've already saved me from more than I'll ever be able to tell you. I can't do the same for you. That first night, any other man would have used me. Taken away my virginity by force, because it would his right as my husband. But you didn't. And you still haven't. That's why I want to know why you care about me."

He stared at me, mouth agape, for a long time. Eventually he gained control of himself, and this time when he spoke, his voice was flat and toneless. "I don't honestly know, Bella. I heard many things about you before I met you, but you are so different from what I imagined. You seem almost fragile…and yet I know almost nothing about you. You won't tell me what has scarred your memories, and I can do nothing until I you do."

"I'll never tell you. It's not something I can do."

"But why, Bella? Why can't you tell me?" he pleaded.

"I just can't. Please, I don't want to talk about it," I begged him, wishing he would leave it alone. "Tell me why you were upset when we left lunch."

"I was just angry, mostly at myself. For taking advantage of you before we ate, and then acting as if you didn't exist to ward off the guilt."

As I watched, his eyes grew pained and dour. He was tearing himself up over something so simple…and that was so like me it was almost scary.

"Well, I don't see it that way," was all I said, but the saturnine aura seemed to lift a bit from his face.

I pulled away then, because our proximity was still intimidating. I noticed, with some degree of shame, that his shirt had damp spots across the front from me. That's when I realized that we were in a completely unfamiliar room that I had, until now, completely failed to notice.

We were in a room filled with buttery sunlight drifting in from the windows. Gauzy drapes hung by their sides. The carpeting was soft and various shades of cream or brown, matching the softly illuminated walls. Antique furniture, including a desk that bore many similarities to the one in our room, was dispersed throughout the room. The two of us were on a sofa that was soft and comfotable, but still went well with the decor.

Edward noticed my preoccupation, and attempted a weak, lopsided grin that managed to make my heart stutter. "This is my private study. I come here when I don't want anyone to bother me. It's right across the hall from our bedroom," he informed me.

"You can come here any time you need to be alone," he added softly. When he said that, I felt an instinctive wariness inside of me relax, because now I had a sanctuary that I could depend on. If I was still home, that place of security would have been our home's library. I was the only person who ever bothered to go in there, and the rows upon rows of old, dusty books had delighted me to no end.

When Edward shifted beneath me, I decided, almost reflexively, that I'd spent enough time so close to him. For a minute I thought he was going to kiss me, his face was so close to mine. My breathing grew a little ragged, and I hurriedly moved off of him and into a chair a few feet away.

I spotted the fleeting look of disappointment ghost across Edward's face before it vanished. He stood up immediately, and walked over to the desk.

"How well do you read?" Edward asked, fingering a little globe that occupied a corner of the glossy mahogany wood. I was puzzled, but answered nearly as soon as he asked.

"Well enough to read Joed's Ascension last year." I shrugged. He was watching me now with apparent surprise at my skill. "I was tutored for a long time. I can read and speak a few other languages, too."

As soon as I said it, I wished I could take it back. Until now, I hadn't willingly offered any information about myself without being directly asked. It would probably look like bragging, too.

Instead, Edward cracked a grin. "You've outsmarted me already. You're too good to be a wife. Intelligent, and pretty enough to marry have married the prince, if you'd wanted to," he teased.

I flinched when he said the word wife, but blushed a deep scarlet at the unexpected praise. My pleasure, however, dissolved at once when I realized he was probably offended that I would be so presumptuous. I looked down and away, avoiding his gaze.

My eyes roamed the room before settling on an object sitting on a shelf by the side wall. My blood chilled suddenly, and my eyes went wide when I realized what it was.

Notes: Bella is starting to crave the unexpected feelings that Edward gives her. She is also revealing little bits of her past as she wonders about Edward and Jasper.

For everyone who reviewed Chapter Four to get a Chapter Five sneak peak, you will get your sneak peak of Chapter Six instead. I didn't have time to send them out.

Thank you everyone that reviewed! It's a wonderful thing to know that other people want me to keep writing and even share interests with me. Here is are two questions for you all: 1) What do you think Bella sees? 2) What is your favorite breed of dog?

If you have questions, feel free to ask. I don't mind if anyone points out errors, or wants to make a guess about the plot!

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