Dear Diary

It wasn't a dream.

I'm just... in shock. I can't take it all in, I really, really can't. My parents are dead, dead. I mean I knew they were going to die of course, but it didn't stop their deaths hitting me so full on. I'm just so... lost. I don't know what to say or what to do! It's so incredibly over-whelming and I'm so scared...

I was right of course, about father wanting to hand me over to my new guardians' before he died. It was nearing night, and the sun was setting and Arthur came in. (I have no idea where Guinevere was. It really didn't make me feel any better knowing she couldn't be bothered to come...) He looked so sympathetic and miserable - but I could see through him, he was very annoyed, he didn't want to be stuck with some teenage ward, least of all a girl – and then he went straight to my father and told him how sorry he was, and how this should never have happened and blah, blah, blah... I stopped listening for a bit because he was talking nonsense. (I mean, if this never should have happened, then why did it! Father was once the pride of the knights of Camelot, and yet he and his family were left unprotected!) Anyway eventually, father calls me over to them. To be honest, I didn't want to. I didn't want to be handed over to Arthur; I didn't want to meet my new guardian... I didn't want to see my father's heart break as he handed me over, knowing he was to die. Knowing he would never see me grow up. But of course, I had to go over there. (Father was dying, I couldn't disobey him.) Father took my hand in his, patted it softly as he gave me a weak smile, then he placed my hand in Arthurs and asked him to take good care of me. I started bawling at this point, and launched myself at fathers frame. I was scared that I had hurt him even more so, but he just wrapped his arms tight around me and whispered in my ear that he loved me. I don't know how long we stayed like that, hours maybe... minutes? But eventually, I felt his hold loosen, and I knew he was gone...

Everyone around me was sobbing, Mother, Arthur, Gaius... but I just cling to father and refused to let go. I couldn't let go! If I let go then I would have to admit that he was dead! At some point, Arthur pulled me off father's body. At first, I did not realise it was him, and so I clung to him as I cried my little heart out! When I saw that it was Arthur holding me in his arms I pushed him away and fled the room. No one came after me. I took this as a sign that no one gave a damn about me, but as it turns out, on realising that father was dead, mother herself died too. I never got a chance to say goodbye to her... I was so wrapped up in my own grief that I didn't take the time to say goodbye to my own mother! And now she's dead, she's gone and I can never change that!

Everything caught up with me, as I lay in bed last night. The bed was wonderfully soft and warm and comfortable... and all I could think about was the fact that I'd much rather be at home with my parents, sleeping on the thinnest of mattress's. And then I thought about the fact that they were dead and that I'd never see them again and I just... broke. I just had to get out of that room; I just had to get out of Camelot... So I ran.

The warning bells sounded before Camelot was out of sight. I ignored them, and continued to run. I just wanted to be away from everything, from everyone... I wanted to be alone so I could cry and weep and become totally lost in my own private grief.

Of course, it wasn't long before I got lost myself. The woods all look the same at night, and I felt like I was running round in circles – despite the sounds of the warning bells becoming fainter – so I just curled up in a ball under a tree.

I've been there ever since, desperately trying to sleep. Only I can't sleep... and now the sun is coming up, and I am at a loss as to what to do. I know I can't stay here, under this tree, forever...

Paige xxx