Dear Diary

The arse never came to find me last night! So much for an apology! I wasn't really expecting one really, but Gwen promised that he would come to my chambers and talk to be about his behaviour at dinner. I don't blame Gwen, I think she genuinely believed Arthur. She should stop doing such things... he's an arrogant Prat, doesn't she realise?

I ended up falling asleep. Again. I have been sleeping far too much recently, it's slightly worrying. I should talk to Gaius about it, but maybe it's part of the grieving process..? Anyway it was dark when I was awoken by a knock on my door. I invited whoever it was to come in, as I quickly brushed my hair into submission. (Not that it ever submits, but still, points for trying...) It was Merlin, and I just about had a heart attack!

"Hi Paige," he said quite shyly. "I was concerned when you missed dinner... thought I'd bring you some up," He was concerned about me! I just about swooned when he said that.

"Um... thanks. I ... er... fell asleep," I admitted. What else could I say to him? My mind was such a mess I couldn't even contemplate thinking up a better response! Merlin chuckled as he presented me with a plate of meats and cheese.

"Grieving does weird things to the body," he said knowledgeably. I smiled and nodded, my mouth to full for me to speak. He is so smart... "Arthur wanted to talk to you... about what he did last night. But he got called away for something first thing this morning, he sends his apologies," Merlin gave the strangest smile when he talked about the arse, it was goofy, yet apologetic and also... loving. The guy must really worship his king. Heaven only knows why...

"I wasn't expecting one anyway," I said with a shrug of my shoulders. "He seems like an arrogant Prat to me," Merlin laughed when I said this, laughed! He found me funny! I blushed a brilliant red as he chuckled.

"I think everyone gets that impression from him when they first meet him. I certainly did. But you'll grow to love him eventually... I expect anyway," Merlin confessed. That made me really smile. At least I wasn't alone in thinking the king was an arrogant Prat. Although to be honest, I doubt very much that I'll ever grow to love Arthur. Merlin must have caught a look at my face, because he was soon laughing again. "Okay, I get it, you're a teenager and you have just lost your real father... you won't grow to love him. In fact, you'll always hate him. Happy?" I laughed and nodded.

"Yes, very much so," I chuckled. Merlin beamed and ruffled my hair. (Normally, I hate it when people do that to me, but I made an exception for Merlin.)

"I better go. I'm meant to be meeting with a woman who thinks her daughter is a seer," he said as he stood and headed to my door. "It was nice talking to you Paige... if you ever need to chat – about anything – you come find me, ok?" Could he be any sweeter?

"Ok," I said enthusiastically (although, not too much so I hope!) "Thanks Merlin,"

"Anytime," said Merlin with a sweet smile as he slipped out of the door.

--

Arthur woke me up first thing the next morning – arse! The sun wasn't even fully risen! It was still dawn, what the hell was he doing waking me up? Could he not wait until normal people get up?

"I'm sorry Paige, did I wake you?" he asked as he put his head round my door. I groaned into my pillow. If I had been more awake, I would have yelled at him, but I was still pretty much out for the count, so I just mumbled at him.

"Yeah... um, what do you want Arthur?" I asked, not bothering to even lift my head from my pillow. Why should I take the trouble to look at him when he's been rude enough to wake me at dawn?

"Sorry Paige, I just got back... I thought I would talk to you before I went to bed. I guess I should have waited for you to wake up," Well duh! Arse!

"Its fine, I can always go back to sleep," I lied (I can never get back to sleep after being woken up). Arthur smiled and came and sat on the end of my bed. (Argh!)

"I think that Gwen may have already informed you" (warned more like) "that I wanted to apologise for the way I treated you the other night at dinner," his tone was very sombre, and he looked ashamed of himself. (So he should be! He is King of Camelot, and he thinks he can threaten teenage girls like that?)

"Hmmmm..." I mumbled, neither in agreement or disagreement. I still wasn't fully awake. Arthur laughed at this. Laughed! I'm beginning to think even less of his every time I see him. I have never, ever meet anyone so rude!

"I'll leave you to sleep shall I?" he asked. I mumbled something as equally inaudible as before. Arthur laughed again, ruffled my hair. (Argh! Why, just why! If I'd been the least bit awake I would have said something.) "Sleep well Sweetheart," he said as he kissed my forehead and left the room.What the hell? There is no way he's getting away with that again! Who does he think he is, my father? My father who isn't even cold in his grave? What an arse, a total arse! He will never hear the end of this I swear.

--

I had a pretty uneventful morning really. I couldn't get back to sleep after Arthur left so I went to the kitchens (it only took half an hour to find them! This castle is a maze!) and got my breakfast. I spent the morning wondering around Camelot, exploring my new home. Camelot is so different to the small village I once knew. There, everyone knew everyone and everyone looked out forone other. There was no such thing as money, and people traded favours for food and water for wood! Here in Camelot, everyone is so rude to one another. No one seems to bother with anyone but themselves and money rules over them all. It's terrible, one poor man – so incredibly old he could barely move – didn't have enough for a loaf of bread and the market stall holder hit him! Hit him! And no one said a thing, no one! I was so disgusted that I went up to the market stall holder, threw a few coins in his face, and raced off after the old man, a loaf of bread in my hands. The old man nodded at me, patted my hand and walked off. I guess that was his thanks.

Well, if I have to be Arthur's ward, then I might as well make myself useful. There is no way I was going to allow such terrible behaviour to continue! I was going to talk to him during our first official 'family' lunch that afternoon, but he had to rush off almost straight away. 'Important business'. Apparently. Personally I think it was rather rude of him, I mean whatever that 'business' was I'm sure it could have waited. It makes me wonder if he ever spends time with his wife? Defiantly something weird going on.

--

I decided to talk to Merlin about it. After all he is Arthur's personal advisor and court sorcerer. If anyone can give me gossip on the king's personal life, it's him.

Well, that's what I told myself, but really... I just wanted to talk to Merlin again.

However, when I finally got to Merlin's chambers (I got lost again!) I realised that Arthur was in there. They were arguing... sort of. There was something about the tone of Arthur's voice when he spoke to Merlin that wasn't quite right... and the same with Merlin too.

"I don't know how much longer I can keep this up," Arthur cried. "The people of Camelot are talking... questioning why I have yet to produce an heir with my wife." It might help if he spent some time with her, is he really so dim-witted that he has no idea how to produce a child?

"Then do it Arthur, produce an heir!" Merlin screamed back, sounding close to tears. It broke my heart hearing Merlin sound so upset. All I wanted to do was rush in and wrap my arms around him. Of course that wouldn't have been the wisest move. Arthurs reply was softer, dismal.

"I could never do that to you... to us! Merlin I just... I'd have to be there for my family... I couldn't just leave them." It sounded like Arthur was crying. But he couldn't be, could he? Was he that desperate not to become a father?

"I would understand. Arthur, you could have a family and we could still be us! We just couldn't spend as much time together!" Wow. That's why Arthur didn't want to be a father? Because he wanted to spend time with his friends! My opinion of him sunk even lower. How can his priorities lie with his friends and not with his wife and his duty to his Kingdom?

"I can't do this anymore... Merlin, I just... I have to get out of here!" Then came the sound of footsteps. Crap! There was nowhere to run to, nowhere to hide... I knew I would just have to face Arthur. I practically wet myself. It was obvious that the conversation that'd he'd just had with Merlin was not one he wanted overheard. After all, he wouldn't want anyone to know he didn't want children did he? Least of all me! The door swung open and I got a glimpse of Merlin sitting at the foot of his bed, his head in his hands, before Arthur blocked my view. "Paige?" he sounded surprised to see me there, shocked... and more that a little mad. "How long have you been here?" he demanded. I opened my mouth a few times, but was unable to even mumble. "How. Long. Have. You. Been. Here?" he asked, emphasising each word.

"Not long..." I whispered, my voice little more than a squeak. Arthur ducked down so that he was at my level, looked me straight in the eye. I was terrified... I had no idea what he was going to do or say! And then when he grabbed me by the shoulders, I started trembling. Arthur either didn't notice, or didn't care.

"Tell me exactly what you heard!" he demanded, his voice was quite yet the authority and anger in it was more than apparent. By now I was trembling so much; I thought I was going to be sick.

"It's ok Arthur... I won't tell anyone you don't want children..." I whimpered. I hated that I was so scared of him in that moment, hated it! For some reason, Arthur calmed right down as soon as I said that.

"Good..." he whispered, sounding relieved and composed. "Make sure of it," I nodded frantically.

"Make sure of what?" I whimpered. It should have been a joke, but it really wasn't. I was still terrified.

"Exactly," Arthur said, letting me go and marching away without pause for thought about my well being. Arse! I wanted to go and speak to Merlin, to comfort him and have a rant about the arse with him, but I just couldn't bring myself to go in there. I had this over-whelming feeling that if Arthur caught me in there, or found out I'd spoken to Merlin right after he caught me outside his chambers, I'd be in for a world of trouble. Or worse.

I think I'll avoid dinner tonight...

Paige xxxx