Dear Diary

Today has been extremely weird and confusing, so much has happened and I don't know what to make of it all! The problem is, I seem to be at the centre of everyone's problems at the moment! Suddenly I feel as though I don't belong in Camelot, and that really, I should have died with my parents, prophecy or no prophecy!

It all started after breakfast. I was last to leave the hall, and as I was walking to my chambers, I heard Gwen and Arthur arguing. Really arguing! I wasn't going to listen in, but then my name came up... quite a few times, and so I decided to listen in. After all if the argument was about me I had every right to know what was being said... right?

"No Arthur, I'm serious! Do I even resister as your wife now? Do I?" Gwen screamed. I winched when she screamed, the sound was so unnatural and totally out of character for Gwen. I may have only known her a short time, but I know that she is not the sort of person to raise her voice! (My mother was the same, preferring to speak softly and calmly. Yelling, she had said, was pointless, because that's when people stopped listening. Although that didn't stop her yelling at my father that time I fell in the river and almost drowned...)

"Of course Gwen, you are my wife and I love you! It's just that I have important matters to deal with at the moment!" Arthur retorted. He sounded as angry as he had the night that I was attacked! That scared me slightly, if he was capable of getting that angry at the woman he claimed to love then... well it doesn't bear thinking about!

"Like Merlin? Like Paige?" Guinevere said my name with such frustration and rage that I almost went storming into the room to confront her.

"I am her guardian!" Arthur insisted. "I promised her father – on his death bed – that I would take good care of her, and I am determined to do that!" I couldn't help but smile as he said that, while it seemed at first that he did not care nor want me, he had proven in the last few days that he held a soft spot for me.

"You weren't bothered about her until you found out about that bloody prophecy! Since you found out that I cannot give you a son, since you found out that she will rule after you die and be the sort of person you wanted your son to be, you have decided that she is worth knowing after all!" Ouch! That hurt. That really... Surely Arthur cared about me, prophecy or not! I mean, he rescued me and stayed by my side after that sorcerer came into my room! He cared then! He did! He... I think.

"That is a lie and you know it Gwen! I've cared about her since day one, I simply struggled to fit the role of guardian! I didn't know where my boundaries were, what I had to do to make her happy," That made me feel a little better. But only a little...

"Ok, so maybe that's true... maybe... maybe you just needed to adjust to that role, but Arthur, the second you found out that I would not be able to give you an heir, you have kept your distance. You have not come to our chambers at night; you have spent no time with me..." Gwen stopped at this point, and I could hear her crying. But I could not hear Arthur comfort her in any way. "Arthur... I cannot have children! I cannot... all I've ever wanted... and now that chance has been taken from me! I am dying inside, and you do not seem to care for you have what you want, you have the heir you craved so much. An heir that will carry on your legacy... and what do I have? Not even my right as a woman!" I ran at this point, ran and did not look back. I felt so overwhelmingly sick, so terrible... Poor Gwen! She must just want to crawl in a hole and never emerge! How can Arthur have just stood there and watched her break like that? (And I knew he had just stood there, I did not hear him move towards her, did not hear him wrap his arms round his wife...) I decided that if Arthur wasn't going to comfort her, then maybe I should!

--

I waited an hour, maybe more, before I headed down towards Arthur and Gwen's chambers. Gwen was in there alone (I could see Arthur from my window, wandering off towards the market area with Merlin) – I could hear her weeping softly. I knocked just the once, and waited for permission to enter. Gwen tried her best to compose herself before she opened the door, but her eyes remained swollen and red. Her cheeks were still stained with recently dried tears.

"Paige!" She cried in shock. She smiled at me, and moved so that I could enter the room. I waited until we were both seated before I began to talk.

"I overheard a bit of your argument with Arthur this morning, about... about not being able to have children. I just... I wanted to make sure you were ok," I whispered, not able to look at her at all. I mean, it's not the sort of conversation she would have wanted me of all people to overhear!

"Oh Paige... that's so sweet of you," she cried, now sounding genuinely happy that I had taken the time to see if she was ok. "I am fine Paige really... I mean, I want children... very much so, but if that is not to be, then I will have to work out what my place in the world is. Maybe... maybe my place is to take care of you, to help you become this great leader that you are destined to be..." I gave her a soft smile. Tears were still dripping from her eyes, but at least she was looking on the bright side of things. Right?

"I think I'd be an even greater ruler if I had you to help me," I said. And I was being honest; Gwen had this calm authority about her that Arthur lacked completely... "Not that I really believe this prophecy, after all, I am just a girl. I'm no one,"

"You are your father's daughter Paige. That alone should be enough to tell you that you will be a great leader." I blushed very hard when Gwen said that. My father was a great man, he brought peace to our village after raids and famine ravished it. When he was a knight, he and Arthur had lead them to victory time and time again.

"I still don't believe that I am destined to become this great leader," I admitted with a sad smile. Gwen too, gave me a sad smile.

"These are the prophecy's made by the greatest seer that the world has ever known... they have not ever been wrong, not for over 300 years, I remember when..." However, a knock on the door interrupted her. Whoever it was just came in without waiting for permission. I wasn't sure who the man was, but I recognised him as one of Arthur's knights. "Lancelot," Gwen beamed. The smile however, soon fell when she realised that I was still in the room.

"I will return later," Lancelot said with a bow (not even bothering to acknowledge me!). I stood up, scowling at him the whole time, and moseyed towards the door.

"It's alright, I'll leave. I wanted to go down to my parents graves anyway," I insisted as I slipped out of the room. I heard Gwen call out after me, but she made no attempt to follow. Whatever Lancelot had to say must have been very important... maybe he too, was there to offer his sympathies too her..? Either way, it's very weird...

--

I decided to go and see Merlin after lunch. Arthur was back, and training with his knights, so Merlin must have been back too! I found him in the library, going over and over the same page of the same book, all the while taking extensive notes about what was written.

"Hey Merlin!" I said enthusiastically as soon as I spotted him. I made him jump, which in turn made him groan and jerk his quill across the page. He removed the accidental line with magic though, so all was ok.

"Paige! Hi, what's up?" he asked, turning to smile at me. I didn't answer straight away; I was too lost in his beautiful eyes. "Are you ok?" He asked, suddenly sounding concerned. That made me jump out of the daydream like state I was in.

"Oh, yes, I'm fine!" I said, flashing him my best smile. His own smile dropped a little.

"What do you want Paige, I'm a bit busy right now" he said. He sounded a little annoyed, but still interested in talking to me.

"What are you doing?" I enquired, glancing over his shoulder at the book he was looking t. I recognised it as one of the books he'd brought into my room a few nights before.

"Oh, I'm trying to translate more of the prophecy about you... but the language has changed, this book is in ancient Samarian," he said, waving his hand over the notes he had already taken.

"What does it say?" I asked, glancing at his notes. I couldn't read a word of them; his handwriting was so small and scrawny (but so cute and sweet...).

"Haven't got a clue I'm afraid, I don't know ancient Samarian," he said with a shrug. "So far all I've got is what we already know...but there's more about it, so I better get back to work. Arthur wants this translated as soon as possible," I frowned at him. Couldn't he just use magic? Then he would be free to talk to me!

"Can't you use magic to translate it?" I asked. Merlin gave a small chuckle.

"There is no such spell, pity really; I've been up all night working on this..." I noticed then, the rings around his eyes, his rumbled clothes, his untidy hair. He had been up all night, trying to work out what a prophecy about me said! Oh he is so sweet, I could just eat him up!

"Do you have much left to translate?" I asked. Merlin sighed, he sounded annoyed, but I took it as a sign that he was very tired.

"Quite a bit, so if you could just leave me to my work..."

"Can't someone else do...?" Merlin slammed his hand down on the table, making me jump and stop what I was saying.

"Paige! Go! Just go!" His eyes flashed gold as he spoke, and a vase beside me shattered. I screamed as the glass rained down on me, and fled the room without pause for thought. What had I done that was so bad? Did Merlin hate me now? Oh god, I couldn't stand it if Merlin hated me!

--

I missed dinner as I was too upset to leave my room. Arthur brought me some up just as it began to get dark.

"I hear you feel out with Merlin," he whispered as he placed the plate on my bedside cabinet. I wiped my eyes and nodded at him. "He'd didn't mean to yell... he's just been up for 2 days straight, trying to work out what this dammed prophecy says," Arthur assured he, placing a comforting hand on my shoulder.

"I thought he might hate me," I whispered, eyes brimming over again. Arthur gave a soft laugh, squeezed my shoulder a little.

"Paige, Merlin doesn't hate you! He thinks the world of you," Arthur promised. My eyes sparkled and I perked right up.

"Really?" I asked, smiling brightly.

"Promise," Arthur said. I beamed even more so, even let out a relieved laugh. There was something about that that Arthur didn't like. Something in his brain must have just clicked at that moment, for he went on to say, "He is much too old for you Paige," the tone of his voice was sad, sympathetic. I widened my eyes, shocked that Arthur had been able to work out my secret so quickly.

"What? I... I... well, what I mean to say is..." Arthur shushed me before I became even more of a babbling idiot that I already was.

"It's ok, your secret dies with me... and Paige, it's completely normal to feel this way about someone, especially someone so much older than you," I blushed.

"You promise you won't tell him," Arthur chuckled and patted my shoulder.

"Of course! I don't know why you're interested in Merlin of all people, he's an inept idiot for one... a handsome one, I'll admit, but still, an idiot..." Arthur said fondly, a smile on his lips.

"He's not an idiot! Nor is he inept!" I cried out, frustrated at Arthur for belittling Merlin so. Arthur chuckled again.

"I admit, the man does have his uses," he said, an odd glimmer in his eye. (Although I think there was more to those words than meets the eye! Well, ear...) "Beside's Paige, the man's heart has already been claimed, best you find a young lad your own age," Already taken? Well, he's never mentioned it! In fact no one has! And I've never seen him with anyone other than Arthur... weird. Very weird. Maybe it's just this castle? Maybe everything that goes on inside its walls is weird..?

"He has never mentioned anyone... who is it that has captured his heart? He can't care very much for her, I never see him with anyone but you!" I cried. My words, for some strange reason, flooded Arthur's cheeks with a red blush.

"He likes to keep his personal life... personal..." Arthur said, struggling slightly with his words. What exactly did he know that he wasn't telling me? Was he lying about Merlin's heart being taken?

"Come on, at least give me a hint?" I begged. (Then I could work out for myself, who was worthy of Merlin's love... then could aspire to be like them!) Arthur rolled his eyes.

"Drop it Paige," he said, a slight note of warning in his voice.

"But..." I began. But Arthur's patience seemed to run out at that moment, for his eyes bulge out angrily.

"Leave it!" he roared, marching out of my room and slamming my door. What the hell had gotten it to him? Arse! All I wanted to know was the name of the woman that had captured Merlin's heart! Was that so much to ask?

So it didn't take long for Arthur to return to being an arse. It made me think about Gwen's words earlier, and I wondered if they were true, or if Arthur was simply angry. Still, that doesn't explain why everyone seems to be annoyed with me today...

Paige xxx