Dear Diary

After the stupidity of yesterday, I couldn't sleep. I tossed and I turned but I could not sleep. It was so annoying! I felt so overwhelmingly tired but every time I closed my eyes they just shot open again. I lay there for hours I think, just willing myself to sleep. But I couldn't, just could not switch off. It was so frustrating – especially since I knew that Merlin could just utter a few words and I'd be out like a candle! I really did not want to go to Merlin, not after ho w rude he was to me today – not after what Arthur had said. But I relented, if only to get a good night's sleep. I just could not stand the idea of lying in bed all night, desperate to sleep yet remaining wide awake.

He wasn't in the library, the room was dark and empty... but I could see the candle smouldering, so Merlin could not have left the library long before I'd gotten there. I wandered down to his chambers instead. He was in there, or at least, someone was. I could see candle light flickering in the crack at the bottom of the door. So I knocked, and waited. I heard muttering inside, more than one voice... I tried to listen in, but before I could make anything clear, someone walked towards the door. I leapt back just in time to see Merlin open the door, dressed in just his nightwear (Oh dear god...). He gave me a sad smile and closed the door behind him. Now that was odd. Why close his door? It's not like... But then it occurred to me! He's lady friend must have been in there! I panicked slightly, jumping to the conclusion that Arthur had spilled my secret! But then I remembered what Arthur had said about Merlin keeping his personal life personal.

"Paige, hey... sweetie it's a bit late isn't it?" he asked, casting a glance back towards his door. I frowned, annoyed that his attention was not completely devoted to me. After all, I needed his help! Surely his mind should be utterly focussed on me.

"I can't sleep," I muttered with a shy smile. "Can you help? You know, do that spell that Arthur mentioned..?" I asked timidly, almost ashamed to ask him. I have no idea why... I mean what was wrong with not being able to sleep? Merlin's smile widened and he seemed to look somewhat relieved. He probably thought that I was mad at him for yelling at me earlier in the day. But I couldn't stay mad at Merlin, it wasn't his fault... after all, the poor man had been up all night trying to help me!

"Of course, you wait right there, I just need to do something," he whispered. I nodded at him, assuming he had to tell his lady friend where he was going. He did indeed, slip back into his chambers, but I was unable to glance in long enough to see anyone. He wasn't in there for long, and I could hear him talking to someone – but that someone didn't respond, so I couldn't listen to their voice to try and identify them. I tried to glance into the room when Merlin slipped out, but he barely opened the door enough for him to get out, so I couldn't see into his room at all. Dammit! I'll have to find another way to see who his lady friend is. "Ok, let's go," he said as he shut his door firmly behind him. I frowned at him, noticing in that moment that there was something odd about his night shirt.

"Isn't that Arthurs night shirt?" I asked, recognising it as the shirt Arthur had worn the night I was attacked. I knew it was the same one because it had red stitching around the hem. Why was Merlin wearing it? Had he stolen it from Arthur or something? Merlin's eyes widened slightly as he shook his head.

"No," he said, trying to sound innocent. He gave a soft laugh – the sort of nervous laugh that you give when you don't know what to say. "Why would I have Arthur's night shirt on?" he asked, giving the same nervous laugh again. I shrugged.

"I thought maybe you might have stolen it for a joke or something," I said as if I wasn't bothered. Despite the fact that I was bothered, very much so! It was so weird. Why on earth would Merlin be wearing Arthur's night shirt?

"Oh," Merlin said, "Yeah that would be funny," he said, laughing again. But it was that nervous laugh... what was so bewildering about a conversation about Arthur's (apparent) night shirt. (I'm sure it's his night shirt!) There was a silence between us after that, which lasted all the way to my chambers. It was awkward and very uncomfortable, but I had no idea what to say to him! What could I say to him? So who is your lady friend? Not the sort of thing I want to ask him really. (It would give way too much away! Very embarrassing!)

"So do I have to be in bed, or sitting up or what?" I asked when we entered my chambers. How was I supposed to know? It might make me fall asleep in an instant, or it might make me fall asleep slowly.

"In bed, it will send you straight to sleep," he said, pulling back my covers for me. I shivered slightly when he did that! I smiled at Merlin as I slipped between the sheets. I got myself comfortable and closed my eyes. All the while trying not to blush! After all, Merlin was in my bed chambers with me – while I was in bed! (Although, I'm not exactly sure why I found that so embarrassing... I have no clue what couples do in their bed chambers together... all I know is you share your chambers with your husband or wife! There's nothing embarrassing about that really. Well, unless you caught the other changing.)

"Ready," I said as soon as I was comfortable. "Night Merlin,"

"Night Paige," Merlin muttered before he whispered a few magical words. As soon as the words were out of his mouth, I could feel the conscious part of me slip away. Right before I feel asleep however, I'm sure I felt Merlin kiss my forehead!

--

This morning was a nightmare, an utter nightmare. I awoke and headed down to breakfast feeling wide awake and full of energy. I was in such a good mood that I couldn't stop smiling. Which I had nothing to do with, I assure you dear diary, the events of the night before! Honest! Of course, Arthur had to ruin things for me. He was in a foul mood at breakfast! Maybe because Gwen was not with us yet again?

"There is to be an execution today," he informed me as he pushed his food around his plate. He had been silent for a while; I was almost finished with my breakfast. I guessed that the execution was the source of his foul mood.

"Oh? What did they do?" I asked, slightly interested. I have never seen an execution in my life... in fact, never even heard of one. There was no such this as execution back home. The most severe punishment was banishment – and you had to do something pretty terrible for that to happen.

"He... he murdered his newborn daughter," Arthur whispered, shuddering slightly, obviously disgusted. "His wife had given him 6 daughters to date, but not a son. He wanted a son so much, that he went into a mad rage when his youngest daughter was born, and murdered her before she could even cry out," I found myself shuddering at Arthur's words as well. I had never heard of such a sick deed being committed! Why was having a son so important to this man? Could he not just accept the children he had already?

"That's... that's horrible!" I cried out, pushing the breakfast I no longer had an interest in away from me. "I'm glad that he is to die..." I continued. Arthur gave me a small smile as I said this.

"Well I'm glad you think that, for as my ward, it is your duty to attend executions with me," he said, his voice void of any emotion. What? Execution? As in watch someone die? No! No way! I was not going to attend that, duty be dammed!

"You cannot expect me to watch someone die!" I yelled, standing up to make my point more serious. For once Arthur did not rise to my bait; he simply sat in his seat, a foul look on his face.

"I do and you will," he said, again his voice void of any emotion. I glared at him. Although that was completely pointless as he wasn't even looking at me! He simply started down into his food, the same foul expression on his face as before. It was like he didn't care about my thoughts or feelings on the matter!

"You cannot make me attend such a thing... I refuse to sit back and watch someone die," I raged. Arthur still did not stand, simply glared at me from his seat.

"It is what is expected of you. You will attend willingly or else Merlin will see to it that you attend whether you want to or not," he threatened. He sounded serious this time, and I had to bit my lip in order to stop myself bursting into tears.

"Please don't make me do this..." I begged. Arthur turned his attention back to his food as he shook his head.

"You have to," was all he said. I couldn't think of anything else to say, so I simply fled to my chambers. I had to scream into my pillow just to calm myself down. There was no way in hell that I was going to attend that execution. I was not going to watch someone die purely for entertainment value! Because that's what execution is – public entertainment, a family event! I locked my chamber doors from the inside, despite knowing that Arthur had the key to my room and could get in no matter what I did. Part of me knew I had no choice in the matter, but a bigger part of me was determined to avoid the event.

--

The knock came no more than an hour later. Arthur, coming to collect me for the execution. (I had seen them setting everything up from my window, seen the hoards of people crowding around the platform trying to get the best view!)

"Paige, it's time to go," he said as he rapped his knuckles against my door. I decided to go willingly, despite my feelings on the matter. After all, Arthur was going to win in the end. Better get it over and done with rather than draw the whole thing out. Arthur was dressed in all his finery – crown, chains, cape and all. He looked so much like a king, and so little like Arthur.... it made the whole thing more daunting and terrifying. I shuddered as I saw him. I wish he's dressed like his normal self; it would have calmed me down quite considerably. "Let's go," he said, sweeping at once down the corridor, cape flying out behind him, leaving me to follow.

--

I felt so sick as I stood with Arthur on the balcony that overlooked the square where the execution would take place. So sick that I was shivering, despite feeling quite warm.

"Arthur please!" I begged as he went to address his people. Arthur simply shook his head at me, and then turned his attention to the people in the square below.

"Daniel Kray, you stand here before the people of Camelot, before your King, having been found guilty of the murder of your youngest child. Do you have any last words?" The man in question, who had his hands chained behind his back and was held in place by the executioner, lifted his head to look at Arthur, and uttered four words to his king.

"Take care of them..." he begged, tears in his eyes, nodding towards a young woman surrounded by 6 even younger girls. My hand shot to my mouth so that I could hide the sob that threatened to escape my lips. His wife and his daughters were stood in the crowd! Could Arthur have not executed this man in private? Or at least stopped his family from attending? Could he really allow such young girls to watch their father die? It was not their fault that their father was a cold blooded murderer! As soon as the words were out of his mouth, the man was forced to his knees, and then his head was forced down onto the executioners block. He was shaking the entire time, and his family, his young children; they were crying their eyes out. I could not bear to watch, and tried to turn away. Arthur grabbed me, and held me by my shoulder so that I had to watch.

"You are not going anywhere," he hissed at me. I let out one prolonged sob as he held me there, but otherwise refused to let my emotions get the better of me. I couldn't stop the shaking though, the shaking that took over my entire body as the executioner raised his axe, brought it down without a pause... I tried to close my eyes, but I didn't miss any of it. Not one second... I screamed as the young man's head came loose from his body and fell in the basket at his feet. But once I started, I couldn't stop. I screamed and screamed, those screams turned to sobs, and then I could not stop those either. Those sobs soon became so unmanageable that I simply threw up, empting the contents of my stomach all over the stone floor of the balcony. I wondered why Arthur had not said anything to me, not bothered to comfort me... but when I looked up he was gone. He had just left me there to deal with my pain alone. I became so distressed upon realising this, so wounded, that I fainted. Or at least, I think that's what happened, for I awoke not long ago in Gaius's room. Its dark out, so I must have been out for quite some time, but there is no one here to question! I know I should go and find someone, but I still feel atrocious and standing up makes my head spin so much that I feel as though I am going to be sick again. Even sitting here writing has become too much for my feeble state to take, so I'm going to go and lie down until someone comes to check on me.

Paige...