Dear Diary

I was alone in Gaius's chambers for ages before someone came and checked on me. What would have happened if I was dying or something? Who knows how long I'd be dead for before someone bothered to check on me!

"I'm sorry my dear, I was tending to the executed man's family," Gaius said once he spotted that I was awake. "They were in a severe state of shock; it was terrible to see,"

"I don't know why Arthur let them watch! I don't know how he can let anyone watch such a terrible thing!" I snapped. "Those poor children, having to watch their father die,"

"I know, it's not the most appropriate thing for them to see, but public executions keep the crime rate down, they put fear into people. Years ago, Arthur's grandfather outlawed executions and the crime rate increased tenfold... it wasn't a nice time to be in Camelot," Gaius sounded so grim that I couldn't help but nod. I understood where he was coming from; the crime rate would increase if execution was no longer a threat! But still, his family! His children! Why punish them as well?

"He didn't have to let the man's family watch," I said bitterly. Gaius gave me a sad smile as he handed me a strange coloured tonic.

"Drink this dear, it will settle your stomach." He said. I eyed is suspiciously and took a sip. It was ghastly! Gaius chuckled. "You have to drink it all I'm afraid," he said, his eyes twinkling in amusement. "But I do agree with you, the families of those being executed should be banned from the event... I have treated so many wife's, children, even husbands with the after effects of witnessing such a thing – shock, nightmares, nausea, sleeplessness," I nodded, held my nose, and downed the foul liquid Gaius had given me in one. I held the empty glass out to him as I shuddered.

"Argh! Never again!" I scowled. "Why can't he ban me from going to these things? It would save you a lot of time," I asked. Gaius sighed and frowned, pated me on the shoulder.

"If only it was that easy Paige, you are the future Queen... one day, you will be the one ruling over executions, you have to desensitise yourself now, " Gaius said bleakly, a frown on his face. "It's hard, I know, but if you want to be a successful ruler, you have to be able to observe executions without emotion. If you get upset, you'll show a weakness that any enemy can take advantage of,"

"So I have no choice in the matter, I have to execute people to keep the crime rate down, and I have to stay emotionally uninvolved for fear that an enemy will take advantage of that weakness?" This was getting ridiculous! How is having emotions a weakness? Surely it shows that you are a compassionate and caring leader?

"My dear we live in a time of hostilities and of war... you cannot show any weakness. Maybe in the future, if peace Arthur is destined to bring is restored, you can express your emotion's, but not now, not when the threat of attack is always so imminent," Why does everything have to be so complicated? I am really beginning to dread being Queen. But then again, if Arthur is to restore peace, to unite Albion, then maybe it will be something that I don't have to worry about?

"Okay, so the threat of attack is imminent... but could Arthur have at least taken the time to comfort me? I have never seen an execution before! It was horrible! He is my guardian, he is meant to protect me from such things," I fumed. I felt guilty at once, not meaning to take my anger out on Gaius. He is after all, a frail old man – he doesn't deserve it. However he seemed, either completely oblivious to my anger, or had chosen to ignore it because he smiled at me, gave a small chuckle.

"Arthur has been attending executions since he was a young boy, younger even than you... it has become as routine to him as breathing, so routine is it in fact, that he did not pause to think about your feelings... I'm sure he didn't mean to take no notice of you, he's just so used to watching over an execution, then leaving without a second thought,"

"Well..." I said, struggling slightly to come back with something that defended my point of view on the matter. "He could have at least come to check on me,"

"He did, but you were still unconscious." Gaius chuckled. "Now, you're free to go dear," he said usurping me out of the room. "Arthur is in the banquet hall... I'm sure if you hurry, you can still catch him at dinner," he continued, answering my unasked question. I beamed at him.

"Thank you Gaius," I said planting a kiss on his cheek. He blushed quite considerably as I left the room.

--

I was still in two minds about what kind of mood I was in with Arthur. On the one hand, I understood the position he was in and knew that he was just doing his job, but still, he was my guardian, he was meant to protect me! Could he not have spared me a single thought? I guess it all depends on what he says to me at dinner...

He was sitting at the dinner table alone, his food was untouched and he looked quite distressed. For a few seconds, I forgot about my conflicting emotions regarding his treatment off me. Something was wrong with him.

"Arthur, are you ok?" I asked as I sat down next to him. He jumped as I spoke, apparently so lost in himself that he had not noticed me. Which was odd, as the guards had opened the doors for me. Rather noisily I might add! Whatever was wrong must be serious.

"Fine... I'm fine," he whispered as he ran his hands through his hair. "Anyway, I should be asking you that question. Are you okay?" Ok, so he had spared a thought for me. At least there was that.

"I'm fine, Gaius gave me something to settle my stomach," I assured Arthur. "It tasted vile!" Arthur laughed at this... it was good to see a smile on his face.

"I remember him giving that to me as a child. I always dreaded feeling ill and tried to hide when I was unwell... nowadays I'd rather feel unwell than drink that horrid concoction." He said with a chuckle. His eyes however, remained sad.

"You didn't answer my question Arthur. Are you okay?" I probed. Arthurs face fell immediately. He reached out patted my hand.

"You're so sweet to me Paige," he said sadly. "I feel incredibly bad about the way I treat you sometimes... but I am at a complete loss as to what to do with you! And I don't mean that in a bad way... not really. It's just, you're a teenage girl and I'm not... you totally bewilder me," I had to laugh at that. I'd never really considered how hard all this must have been on Arthur. He's totally been thrown in at the deep end with me, a teenage girl, a stranger in more ways than one. I felt a new respect for him grow. Still, despite that respect, I knew he was avoiding my question.

"Don't avoid my question Arthur... are you okay?" I persisted. Arthur groaned slightly, rubbed between his eyes.

"There is a small uprising on the northern border, some anti-magic activist's, nothing major..." he sighed. A small uprising? Is that it? No! There had to more to it than that. If it was 'nothing major' then he wouldn't look so upset.

"And..?" I asked, an eyebrow raised. Arthur chuckled again.

"You're so damn perceptive," he smiled. I frowned at him and he raised his hands in defence. "Okay, okay! There was something in the prophecy about you regarding this uprising. Apparently while I am away you will discover a secret that will potentially bring my downfall... but if you come with me you will be gravely injured... you won't die. But you'll be hurt quite severely..." Oh. Oh dear. That's not good at all.

"And am I to stay here, or come with you?" I asked, feeling the colour drain from my face. Which did I want more? Arthur potential downfall, or to be severely injured? I didn't want either really... but if it had to be one or the other...

"I am leaving the choice up to you," he said, not looking me in the eye. "As much as I want to make the choice for myself, I know the decision ultimately rests with you," Me? I had to make the choice? How? How could I make that choice?

"What do you think I should do?" I asked, hoping for some advice, for there was no way I was going to be able to make this choice without some. Arthur frowned at first, but then gave a small chuckle.

"I want you to stay here... your safety; it means everything to me," Arthur never once broke eye contact with me when he spoke, and I knew his words were honest.

"But if I stay, it will bring about your downfall!" I cried out, leaping to my feet, my voice high and hysterical. Arthur slammed his fist down on the table.

"And if you come with me you will get hurt! Badly hurt! How can you expect me to allow that? To stand aside and let that happen?" Arthur screamed. He didn't look angry, not in anyway. He looked terrified. There were tears in his eyes, he was shaking. It was totally unnerving.

"I don't expect that of you, not at all! But Arthur, you cannot ask me to stand aside and watch you fall!" I retorted. A few of the tears that had accumulated in his eyes spilled over. He opened and closed his mouth a few times, but no words came. "Arthur..." And then I found myself lost for words too. I was chocked up. There was a tightening around my throat that was as strong as when my parents had died. Before my tears could take me over, Arthur had leapt up from his seat and had pulled me into his arms. I clung to him, my fingers really gripping into his tunic. He held me tight, so tight that I didn't cry at all. He did though... I could feel his tears dripping into my hair.

"I know you'll make the right choice," he whispered, kissing the top of my head. I clung to Arthur even harder... I didn't want him to ever let me go, for when he did, I'd have to make the hardest decision of my life.

--

It is almost dawn now – soon Arthur and a few of his men will be leaving – and I have yet to make my decision. I have been up all night trying to work out what to do! On the one hand, I can stay and I won't get hurt, but Arthur will fall, and his reign will end! And if Arthur's reign ends, I will not be left to rule, for I have yet to be named his heir. Guinevere will rule and who knows how she will cope as the soul ruler? But what if the secret I discover is about her? What if it's something bad and Arthur manages to make me his heir before his downfall? What will I do then – I'll be a queen at 13? And if I go, Arthur's reign will continue, no terrible secret will be revealed but... but I'll be badly injured. Not to the point of death, but who knows how badly! How can I make this decision? How? I know I won't die if I go – probably - but I will be really badly hurt! Who knows how permanent those injuries could be? I don't know what to do! I don't want to make this decision, I want to crawl up in bed and pretend that none of this is happening! I want someone to tell me what to do! But I can't, I have to make this decision and I have to make it now because I can see Arthur, Merlin and a few of his men preparing to leave outside my window. Arthur keeps looking up to my window, and then to the main doors of the castle.

And yet I still don't know what to do...

Paige x