Dear Diary

My head is such a mess at the moment – and that's without the injuries! Arthur has been talking to me, or rather at me since I pretended I wasn't listening, and so has Merlin (Thank god he's ok! He woke up this morning!). They have both given me a lot to think about and now I don't know where I'm at with the whole thing! I'm beginning to think that maybe Arthur's not as guilty as I made him out to be. But then I think, of course Arthur, and Merlin for that matter, are going to place the blame elsewhere! This is the secret that will cause Arthur's downfall. Why can't life just be simple?

Last night Arthur brought me some food and water (since I couldn't really move to get some myself) and took the opportunity to try and talk to me again. I listened then, if only because I was eating. Hey! I was starved and weak. I needed to eat, Arthur Pendragon be damned!

"I know you don't want to hear this Paige but I had good reason for lying to you, for staying out of your life until recently," he paused to see if I was going to reply. When I didn't, he continued on. "Paige I was 21 when you were conceived, 22 when you were born... I was much too young to have any concept of what I was doing..." he paused again. A sneaky glance at his expression told me he was trying desperately to think of the right thing to say. For just a second, a split second, I pitied him. I imagined being 21, the newly crowned prince of Camelot, finding out that I'd impregnated my father's best friend's daughter! That pity soon went away however, when I remembered that he'd lied to me, that he hadn't bothered to have any input in my life until now, when I was thrust into his care without warning. "I've always thought about you... always," Arthur continued placing a hand on my shoulder. I shrugged it off. Being in his thoughts is a lot different to being in his life! Arthur however was persistent. "Not a day has gone by that I have not regretted making the choice's I made about you," What choices? He didn't mention any choices! Arse! I wish he'd just shut up.

"I want to go to sleep..." I muttered, not looking at him, keeping my voice so low that he almost didn't hear me. However hear me he did, and he started babbling concerns for my health. Like he cares!

"Do you feel ok? Are you light headed? Maybe you shouldn't sleep with such a severe head – "

"I want to go to sleep," I repeated, same tone, same volume, still not looking at him. Arthur this time, got the message and nodded.

"I'll be awake all night, should you need me..." he whispered, reaching out to place a hand on my shoulder once again. I lay down before his hand could get close, and it just hovered there, midair, as he debated what to do. In the end he drew it back, thinking better of trying to comfort me.

"I love you Paige, remember that..." he whispered, draping a blanket over me. If I hadn't been so far from the fire that I was shivering constantly, I would have pushed it off. But I was so very cold, and the blanket was thick and warm. I felt Arthur's presence by my side for a long while. I guessed he was watching over me, making sure I didn't die or suffer a loss of consciousness or something. It made me question again, why he lied to me. Why he wasn't involved in my life. It seemed like he cared about me, loved me even, but where was he before now? And why all the lies and deceit? I didn't drop off for a long time, hour's maybe, but I let Arthur think that I had. He didn't leave my side at all. I could hear him gently weeping the entire time. I felt a few pangs of guilt at first, but it's his own damn fault at the end of the day!

--

When I awoke, it was not Arthur by my side, it was Merlin. He looked a little white, frail, but other than that he looked fine. The gash on his head had literally magically been healed to the point of it being just a thin white line just about his eyebrow. I looked around the cave, but could not see Arthur at all. I wasn't too bothered about him leaving to be honest. He could go fall off a cliff for all I care!

"Good morning Paige," he beamed at me upon realising that I was awake. "How are you? How's your head?"

"It's throbbing..." I admitted, squinting in pain at I sat up. I placed a hand on the back of my head without thinking; winched at the pain and brought it away at once. It was caked in blood, both fresh and dried. "But other than that, I'm fine. If a little light headed," Merlin gave me a sympathetic smile.

"I'm sorry, but I couldn't treat you until you awoke," he admitted. "And I didn't want to wake you... after all that happened yesterday; I think you deserved a little sleep,"

"Did Arthur tell you about...?"I questioned, desperately wishing that Merlin did not the horrors of what happened the day before. The whole thing made me feel dirty, tainted... and that's without what Lionel did to me.

"He told me everything Paige," Merlin muttered dismally. "I'm sorry I couldn't protect you... Lionel caught me by surprise and knocked me out before I could think! I had no reason not to trust him; I thought you would be safe with him," Merlin didn't look at me at all while he was speaking, he simply examined my wounds, but I could hear the shame, the loathing in his voice. It shocked me to my very core. Merlin was normally so calm and placid around me.

"You weren't to know," I assured Merlin, desperate to make him feel better. After all, none of this was his fault. Merlin didn't speak to me at first, simply started mumbling his words of magic. After a few seconds all the pain in my head was gone, and I knew in an instance I was healed.

"I can't do anything about you being light headed I'm afraid... that's down to blood loss. But once you've eaten again I'm sure you'll feel better. And you'll have to wash the blood out of your hair too..." I put my hand on the back of my head again, and felt no pain... only a scar. Even the blood in my hair had dried. "Come on, I'll take you to the stream so that you can wash," he continued, leaping to his feet. He held out his hand to me and I allowed him to help me to mine. For once I didn't feel embarrassed and weird about him touching me... I guessed it was the shock or something.

"Where's Arthur?" I asked, glancing around the cave again to confirm that he wasn't there. He wasn't. I was glad, I didn't want to look at him, didn't want to talk to him, or even be around him. Not after everything that he did – or rather didn't do – to me. Merlin frowned and gave a small shrug of his shoulders.

"I don't know... after I awoke and healed myself, he asked me to watch over you, and then he walked out," Merlin sounded annoyed but Arthur's actions, and a little hurt. I could understand that completely. Poor Merlin awoke, after having been unconscious for over a day, only to be told that he'd can't rest or recuperate because he has to look after his best friends... ward? Daughter? Argh, I don't know what to think anymore.

--

"Did you know... about me and Arthur?" I asked as I started to wring out my clean, but soaked hair. "Before now I mean," I continued when Merlin didn't answer straight away. He sighed and nodded, ran his hands through his hair.

"Yes, I've always known... Paige I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but I swore a sacred oath," Merlin admitted. See that I could understand! He swore never to tell, on pain of death, torture or even eternal damnation! What was Arthur's excuse?

"Did Arthur?" I asked. Merlin shook his head. "Then why did he keep this from me? Why wasn't he in my life before now?" I raged. See I was right! Arthur had no excuse, none at all! He swore no oath. He knew of my existence... where the hell had he been up until now?

"Paige it's all very complicated... he had good reason to stay out of your life, to lie to you," Merlin insisted, pleading with me to understand. I sighed and sat down next to Merlin, who was sitting down on a fallen tree next to the stream. I decided that, since it was Merlin talking and not Arthur, I would listen to what he had to say about all of this.

"So enlighten me," I asked. Merlin gave me a weak smile and nodded. He seemed pleased that I was giving him a chance to tell Arthurs side of the story.

"This all started at a royal banquet that Uther Pendragon threw. I can't remember what it was for... a knighthood I think. Anyway, Arthur had been treated by Gaius for a battle wound earlier in the day and was already quite intoxicated by the remedy he'd been given. Then he started on the wine, and... he was just so inebriated he had no control over his actions," I raised an eyebrow at Merlin and huffed. Excuses! If Arthur had no control over his actions then how in the hell did he managed to sleep with my mother?

"That's no excuse for what he did," I said. Merlin nodded at me, sighed again.

"I know Paige, but you have to let me finish if you want to understand," he said, slightly annoyed.

"Fine, continue," I said, nodding to tell him it was ok to go on.

"Your mother, as you probably know, had been pretty much locked away by her father until the day he died. The banquet in question was one of the first times she'd been out since his death; she was 28 and had no idea how to act in a social situation. She coped by drinking and drinking... I would know, I was one of the servants on call with a bottle of wine that night. I'm not really sure what happened that night, but from what Arthur told me, he went to bed and your mother got lost in the castle, ended up in his room..."

"Yeah that's what he'd have you believe," I laughed. I did not believe for a second that my mother would 'accidently' find her way into Arthur's room.

"I found them the next morning Paige," Merlin insisted. I rolled my eyes, still not believing a word Merlin said. Not when it was about Arthur.

"He probably dragged her in there!" I retorted, folding my arms in annoyance. Merlin laughed and gave me the strangest of smiles.

"I assure you, that Arthur would have done no such thing," he promised. There was something about the tone of Merlin's voice, the way his eyes glittered that made me think there was more to the story than he was letting on.

"Did he have a mistress?" I asked. Now that I would believe. I'm sure that Arthur had a whole string of mistress's in his youth. Maybe he still had...

"Yes, well... sort of. He was very much in love with someone. When he realised he'd betrayed them, he... he grovelled for weeks, months, especially when he found out about you," Merlin paused, and again got the strangest look on his face...

"Did you know this girl then?" I asked, curious now. "Was it Gwen?" Merlin shook his head.

"No, it wasn't Gwen. And yes, you could say I knew Arthurs lover... " Merlin gave a soft, warm smile and a small chuckle. "Yes, I knew his lover quite well,"

"Did she forgive him?" I asked, interrupting Merlin before he could get all nostalgic. Merlin jumped, seemingly having forgotten about our conversation.

"Yes... his lover forgave him," Merlin said with a nod of his head. "Anyway, we've gone off topic a bit," I was sure that Merlin was changing the subject back intentionally. There was something he wasn't telling me. But what? "Yes, so I walked in on them the next morning, they were both asleep and um... bare. I helped sneak your mother back to her chambers. We thought that it would be all over and done with after that, and for a month or so, all was well. But a month later, your mother returned. She came to Arthur and confessed that she was expecting. Arthur was shocked, but pleased. He was really looking forward to being a father." Yeah, I'm sure! "However we had to come up with a plan. The plan was that we would move her to a remote village and say that the father of her unborn baby had died. But before everything was set in stone, your mother met Leon,"

"My father!" I snapped. Leon was my father, no matter what Arthur might say. As far as I was concerned my father was the man who raised me, not the man who made me.

"Yes, you're right. He was your father, I'm sorry," Merlin acknowledged, holding his hands up in defence. "He raised you; he treated you as his own,"

"I was his! Arthur is not my father, not to me," I insisted. Merlin ignored me, and continued with his story.

"Your parents," Merlin said, with emphasis on the word 'parents'. "Fell madly in love. Leon knew about the baby, about you, but he understood, said it didn't matter. So we changed our plan. Leon and your mother married, and they would pose as the happy family in the same remote village we'd picked before. It would work out well, as Arthur had to let Leon go around that time. He had some permanent, irreversible injuries and was struggling with his duties as a knight. Arthur would visit whenever he could, and would be named godfather, giving him a valid reason to visit,"

"Ok, that I can believe... but he never visited me, not once!" And he hadn't! I'd never meet Arthur before the day my parents died.

"He did at first Paige, I was with him. He was there the day you were born, and when he held you in his arms... I've never seen love like it! He wouldn't put you down! You slept in his arms and he didn't take his eyes off you once, didn't stop smiling... your mother had to drag you out of his arms to feed you. He named you as well... Paige was the name of the nurse that looked after him when he was a young child. He was so upset when she died, he apparently, adored her. So he named you after her. And leaving you each time... it broke his heart. He would get sulky and silent the whole journey back to Camelot. But when we were on our way to you... well, he couldn't move fast enough! The whole thing was perfect, Arthur knew you were being taken care of and didn't have to worry about you while he went about his daily duties. And Leon and your mother could be a normal family most of the time. But then Uther got wind of it all..." Merlin paused to wipe his eyes. I was unsure as to whether I believed his story or not. There was something about the way Merlin spoke, the nostalgic look in his eyes, which made his story sound believable. But at the same time... I just did not want to believe that Arthur wanted me at all.

"If Arthur wanted to do something, he did it, Uther be damned!" I shrieked. My father, at least the man I consider to be my father, told me endless tales of young Prince Arthur – the man who would defy his father, the king, to save a lowly servant.

"Uther told Arthur that he couldn't see you anymore, but Arthur didn't listen. Uther was furious; he did everything in his power to stop Arthur. But nothing stopped Arthur visiting you. In the end, just after your 3rd birthday, he kidnapped you and your family in the night, and moved them to the village that you grew up in. Everyone who knew was either sworn to secrecy, or murdered. Arthur tried to find you, but just couldn't... It killed him, it really did. I remember... I remember that he wouldn't eat for days, wouldn't speak... wouldn't get out of bed. It was awful to see. He was dying inside and no one could do anything for him." Arthur Pendragon, refusing to eat? I'll believe that then I see it! That man doesn't miss a meal for anyone. But then why was Merlin crying? Why did he look so upset?

"What about when Uther died, surely he could have found me then," Surely if Arthur cared about me, he would have never given up the search. If he really cared, he wouldn't have stopped till he found me. Right? But then again, after a while, the endless futile searching must have become too much for him...

"He did! He talked to Uther's trusted advisors, and found out where you were. He visited but... you were 11, grown up and settled. He didn't want to disturb that." Now that is a lie, I never meet him when I was I was back to being hesitant again.

"I don't remember him visiting," I said, an eyebrow raised.

"He arrived in the middle of the night, and left as soon as he realised he no longer had a place in your life. He made your parents promise that should anything ever happen to them, they'd make sure you went to him. And then he just threw himself into being King, threw himself into his marriage to Gwen. He tried not to think about you, tried to move on. But they your parents were attacked! He didn't know how to feel, on the one hand, you were back in his life but on the other, his friends were dying. Paige I assure you, he loves you, and all he's every wanted out of life is you! All of this... it's killing him," I was in tears by this point. As much as I hated to admit it, I believed Merlin. I believed every word he said. But there was still one more thing I wanted to clear up.

"Then why didn't he say anything to me? Why did no one tell me anything?" I wept, desperate to understand why everyone had lied to me.

"What right after your parents had died? Don't you think that's a bit insensitive... he wanted to wait until he thought you were ready to deal with the truth. Paige he loves you so much, he never wanted to hurt you," Merlin was crying too. I found myself clinging to him, partly to comfort myself, partly to comfort me. I was so lost in emotion that I couldn't make sense of it all.

"But he did hurt me," I insisted.

"Yes I know... Paige you have to give him the benefit of the doubt, it's not like he knew you were conscious," No, he didn't... I decided then and there that I wanted to talk to Arthur about everything. I wanted to clear things up, and see if his story was the same as Merlin's.

"I want to talk to him; do you know where he is?" I asked Merlin, wiping my eyes. Merlin shook his head.

"No, you know I don't. He just walked out. Come on, we'll look for him," he said, standing up.

We returned to the cave and started searching for Arthur at once, but we couldn't find him. Not even a trail... it's getting dark now and Merlin is freaking out. I hate to admit it, but I'm worried too. Where is Arthur? Is he ok..? What if he fell down and hurt himself so badly that he could not get up again? What if he was attacked and killed? It would be all my fault, I was the one who drove him away..!

Paige xx