Dear Diary

Arthur wasn't here when we woke up, so Merlin caved and used a locator spell. He said he would have done it before, but the spell could have been detected by any other magic user, who could have then located Arthur themselves and... well it doesn't bear thinking about. Arthur may have lifted the ban on magic, but there were still a lot of vengeance seeking sorcerers out there, hell bent on bringing down the Pendragon line.

Arthur apparently wasn't too far away, by a lake near the mountains. To be honest that pissed me off just a little. Merlin and I had been worried sick and the whole time he is just a 10 minute ride away. We set off at once, deciding to go on foot as we would more likely be able to surprise Arthur. If he could hear us coming, I'm sure he'd hide.

"He is alive isn't he?" I asked, hoping that Merlin would be able to give me an answer. I didn't like the idea of finding Arthur dead... it would live with me forever because it would be all my fault! Merlin smiled at me, nodded.

"Of course. The spell... it doesn't locate dead people," he promised. "I wouldn't worry too much about Arthur, he may be a Prat at times, but, as he says, he's been 'trained to kill since birth'" That reassured me a little, even made me smile. Arthur loves to tell people that he has been trained to kill since birth. Although that's a lie really, he didn't pick up a sword for the first time until he was 5... Still, Merlin's words reminded me that Arthur fights like he has been trained since birth.

"He does like to remind everyone of that," I chuckled. For a while we walked along in silence, which probably wasn't a good thing because it left me free to think. I thought about Merlin's story, and wondered if he and Arthur had come up with it while I was asleep. The more I thought about it, the more I could think of reasons to doubt the story. For one thing I looked like the man I had called father for 13 years. "I don't know if I want to talk to Arthur anymore," I admitted after a few minutes of silence. Merlin stopped at once and turned to face me.

"Why? What's wrong?" he asked, concern dripping from every word.

"I just have this horrible feeling that you and Arthur cooked up this story about why he was never in my life while I was asleep or something... " I admitted. I expected Merlin to laugh, or maybe even get a little angry. Instead he put a comforting hand on my shoulder and gave me a sympathetic smile.

"I understand, it's a lot for you to take in all at once. I would be questioning it all too if I were you," That made me feel a lot better. I was worried that I was being paranoid and stupid... or at least that Merlin would think that I was being that way. "If you want, I will go and talk to Arthur about everything, but I'll take you along and 'cloak' you," What the hell did that mean? Was he going to hide me in his cloak? That really wouldn't work! I must have looked confused because Merlin laughed and explained himself. "It means a long as you retain physical contact with me; you'll be invisible to Arthur. I'll talk to him about all this, and you'll get an honest answer from him because he won't know you're there," Now that sounds like a plan! That's just so typical of Merlin; he's so smart and always thinking of others, never himself...

"Ok, I'll do that. You promise you won't warn him first?" I asked. I was worried that he could somehow warn Arthur that I would be there so they could continue with their little tale! But I trusted Merlin, and believed that if he promised me that he wouldn't contact Arthur (somehow) then he wouldn't.

"I couldn't even if I wanted too. The only way to communicate with someone else telepathically is if they too, have magic's," Merlin paused and looked around, before closing his eyes and concentrating very hard for a few seconds. "We're almost there... come here and let me cloak you, remember you must retain physical contact for the spell to work, so take my hand," I blushed and grasped Merlin's hand tight as he began muttering. A second later a weird sensation swept through me, like I'd fallen from a great height. I guessed right that the presence of that feeling was the spell taking effect.

--

Arthur was just sitting there, staring out over the lake. He looked as though he hadn't slept at all. A look that was only intensified by the fact that he'd obviously been crying for quite a while. I clung to Merlin harder as we approached, sure that Arthur would see me, despite the fact that I knew he wouldn't. Merlin returned the pressure with a small squeeze of his fingers, but then let them go loose. I wasn't offended, not in any way... he would look stupid and suspicious if he stood there holding hands with no one. Arthur must have heard us approaching, for the second we emerged from the tree's he spun round, eyes surveying the area quickly.

"Paige?" he called out, despite the fact that he couldn't see me.

"It's just me Arthur," Merlin replied, giving Arthur a concerned look. "I'm sorry," Arthur just nodded sadly, and sat down again, turning at the same time to look out over the lake.

"Is she ok?" he asked. Merlin nodded, despite the fact that Arthur could not see him.

"Sleeping," he lied. "But don't worry, I've put a spell up around the cave that will protect her from anyone who passes by," Arthur nodded again, and for a long while there was a strained silence between them. It was awkward and uncomfortable, and I began to wonder if Merlin and Arthur would talk at all, let alone have a conversation about me. Eventually however, Arthur spoke.

"She hates me, doesn't she?" he asked, his voice cracking several times. He sounded as if someone was strangling him. The sound tore straight through me.

"I think so," Merlin admitted. Arthur turned round to face Merlin once again, and I was shocked when I saw that his features were distressed and heartbroken. Not angry, like I'd expected them to be.

"I just want to change things!" he cried. "I want to go back to when she was born and insist that her mother and Leon stay in Camelot! I want to go back and hold a sword to my father's throat and demand that he tell me where he'd taken her! I want to go back and tell her the truth from the very start! I... I... I just want to make everything right," I wanted to run to Arthur at this point, wanted to wrap my arms around him and tell him that everything was ok, and that I forgave him. Merlin spoke before I could work up the courage to do so.

"Things will get better, I promise," he insisted. "You can fix things, I'm sure... Look Arthur, Paige is a teenager, this is a lot for her to process all at once. Imagine how she must be feeling right now. Just give her time," Arthur gave an odd sort of laugh that wasn't in the least bit cheerful, and shook his head.

"No... No! Merlin, I can't! It's too late. My life is ruined. I almost feel as though it's not worth living anymore," Merlin almost let me go as he stepped forward in shock.

"Arthur, how can you think in such a way?" he demanded. Arthur gave his weird laugh again.

"My daughter hates me Merlin! She's wishes I were dead... isn't that enough to make me think that way?" he sobbed, voice and body trembling.

"Arthur she doesn't-" Merlin began. But Arthur interrupted him. He'd flown into a terrible rage and was screaming at his advisor. I backed off a little, slightly scared. Merlin too, moved back. If only to keep physical contact between us.

"You know this is all my father's fault," Arthur yelled, leaping to his feet. "He just couldn't let me be happy! Everything I did when he was alive I had to do for the future of Camelot, never myself! Not once. And look where that's got me!"

"Arthur, he was only doing his best by you, just like you're doing for Paige," Merlin pleaded, hoping to calm his king down. His words however, had the opposite effect.

"How dare you compare me to that man! I am nothing like him! He was a heartless bastard, a coward and an idiot! I am nothing like him, nothing!" Arthur raged, seemingly disgusted by Merlin's comparison of him and his father. "My life was pretty much perfect before he came along and ruined it! He took everything away from me that day! My little girl, my friends, my sense of freedom and my free will! And the worst part is, despite having my daughter back, I'm still reminded of what he did every time I look at her," What? How rude of him! Does he mean that he cannot stand to look at me or something? That I remind him of bad things?

"Arthur we had to do that and you know it! It was our only hope of convincing Uther that Paige was Leon's daughter," Merlin said desperately. I could tell he wanted to go to Arthur, to comfort and hold him. But I wouldn't let him. I wanted to know what the hell they were talking about.

"But now she doesn't look like me. She's the spitting image of Leon! Before that she looked just like me, she had my eyes, my hair... I took such pride in that. Just one look at her confirmed that she was mine! My little girl..." Arthur's voice broke again, and he went from being angry, to being tearful and upset once more. I was still at a loss as to what the hell they were on about. How the hell did I go from looking like Arthur to looking like Leon?

"Arthur we had to use magic to make Paige look like Leon and you know it... it was the only chance we had of convincing Uther that she was Leon's daughter and not yours," Wow, that explains a lot actually. Everyone has always told me that I look so much like my father – Leon – so I did wonder how I could be Arthur's daughter when I looked so much like the man who raised me.

"I want her to look like me again... Maybe if she looks like me, she'll accept that I'm her father and start to care for me," Arthur whispered wistfully. Strangely I was overcome with the urge to look like Arthur as well. To have big blue eyes and straight, sandy blond hair. Maybe then I'd find myself attractive. I hated the curly brown-ginger hair I'd grown up with, the dark grey eyes that gave me a cold, uncaring appearance. Merlin beamed.

"The spell will reverse itself now that she's in your care... it will do it slowly, suggesting that the changes are natural, not magical..." Arthur gave Merlin a startled yet pleased grin. My heart started racing too! I was going to look like Arthur? I was going to grow to be attractive, and not remain the ugly duckling that I'd always believed myself to be?

"So... she'll look like me again?" Arthur whispered, barely daring to believe his own words. I too, waited for Merlin's answer with baited breath.

"In a few weeks time, the spell will have completely reversed itself," Merlin promised. Arthur's grin widened, and he gave a small chuckle of happiness. The happiness however, was short-lived. He seemed to realise something, and his face fell in a second.

"She wouldn't want to look like me, she hate's me." He murmured; all hope and happiness gone from his voice.

"I'm sure that's not true" Merlin maintained. "Arthur..."

"I want you to do something for me Merlin, I want you to swear to me that you'll do as I ask, no matter how bad it may seem," Arthur's words sickened me at once. Whatever he was going to ask Merlin had to be bad, else he won't have made him promise.

"Arthur whatever you're asking me to do, I'll promise you now that I won't do it," Merlin informed Arthur. I felt a little calmer, yet I was sure that Arthur would be able to convince Merlin one way or the other.

"Merlin, I am you King, you will do as I tell you," Merlin stiffened slightly, knowing a direct order from his king was something he couldn't really ignore. I too stiffened, in fear of what Arthur may ask Merlin to do.

"Arthur, please..."

"If you care about me at all, you will promise me!" Arthur cried desperately. And before I could stop him, Merlin nodded.

"I promise..." he whispered, so quietly that I hoped that Arthur had not heard him. He had.

"Good. Merlin I want you to bring Leon back... for Paige," What? Was he serious? Bring back my father? But... didn't someone have to die in his place, to restore the natural balance between life and death?

"Arthur, no! You know the price that has to be paid!" Merlin pleaded. "You cannot ask me to risk another man's life in order to bring back Leon,"

"But I can ask you to risk my life..." Arthur said. "You have said yourself that you think you understand the powers that control life and death! That, while you cannot stop one life being taken in exchange for another, you can control who is taken!" Oh god no! He couldn't really be suggesting what I think he's suggesting.

"Arthur, you cannot ask me to kill you!" Merlin sobbed, tears streaming from his eyes, almost blinding him.

"You have to do it Merlin. I want Paige to be happy, and the only way she can be is if she has her true father again. She can never be happy with me!" And in that second, everything changed. I realised that Arthur was willing to give up everything, just to make me happy. Even if it meant ending his life. I saw in that moment, that the thing Arthur cared about most in the world was me. Suddenly I no longer cared that he lied to me, that he hadn't been in my life. I understood completely, exactly how hard things must have been for him. Before Merlin had a chance to reply, I'd let go of his hand and launched myself at Arthur. I caught him by such surprise, that the impact of my body on his almost sent him flying. At first he remained still – shocked and bewildered by my sudden appearance and uncharacteristic behaviour, but after a second he wrapped his arms around me too.

"Don't... please don't!" I choked out between sobs. "I forgive you! I don't want you to die... please just stay with me..." I begged. Arthur tightened his grip on me as I felt his body become conquered with sobs of relief and happiness. So intense where his sobs and mine, that we sunk to our knee's, still clinging to one another.

"I love you Paige..." Arthur whispered, kissing my tear stained cheek.

"I love you too..." I whispered. I couldn't go as far as calling him father; it was still too soon for that. But I could admit to myself and to him that I loved him, because I did and I knew finally, that he loved me too.

-

Merlin explained, and apologised for the cloaking spell as we walked back to the cave. Arthur was so happy, so elated, that he forgave Merlin's dishonesty at once. Although, I'm sure he wouldn't have gotten mad at him anyway...

Later that night, as Merlin lay asleep by the fire, Arthur made me a promise.

"I'm never going to lie to you again Paige, never again..." he promised. "I can't stand what my lies did to you! I never want to put you through that again. From now on, totally honesty, ok?" I smiled and nodded.

"Ok," I agreed. Arthur beamed and wrapped his arm around my shoulder, pulled me closer so that I was leaning against him.

"On that note, there is something very important that I have to talk to you about... you need to know about it, because if you found out... I think maybe you'd be very upset," What the hell was he on about? Another secret? God only knows what that could be!

"I'm sure it's not that bad!" I insisted. Arthur chewed his lip a little, sighed.

"I guess that's for you to decide," he said. "But it will have to wait until morning... it involves Merlin you see and... I can't tell you without him," Merlin? What on earth could he be on about? Is he going to tell me that Merlin is actually my uncle or something peculiar like that?

"Um... ok..." I said, totally bemused. Arthur gave me an odd sort of smile.

"Good, now come on, get some sleep... we have a long journey ahead of us in the morning," he said, kissing my forehead.

"Do we have to get up at dawn?" I whined. I hate getting up at dawn.

"Afraid so," he said sadly. "Now come on, time to sleep," I yawned and nodded, laid down on his folded up jacket. "Goodnight Paige," he whispered, wrapping a blanket round me.

"Night Arthur," I replied, drifting off almost at once.

Now it is almost dawn and cannot get back to sleep! I'm too anxious about what Arthur has to say to me! What if it's something horrible, like murder? Or even worse? Oh I wish they'd hurry up and awaken...

Paige xxxx