Dear Diary

I have been saying for weeks now that something weird is going on, and now at last I have figured it out! Ok, so Arthur and Merlin told me something that made most of the odd goings on in the castle add up... Argh! At first I was shocked, then disgusted, then confused, then still confused! I swear my life is just some unpredictable fable gone wrong.

It all started this morning when Merlin and Arthur woke up just before dawn. I knew they had something important to tell me, and I had worked myself into a state in the effort to try and figure out exactly what they were going to tell me. In the end I came to the conclusion that they were going to tell me something about the prophecy that involved both of them... like maybe Merlin would be the man that was to bring Arthur down one day and I in turn, would kill him! The whole thing horrified me! How could Merlin possibly kill his King... how could I possibly kill Merlin? But the whole thing made sense, especially when I remembered what Arthur had said the first time the prophecy was mentioned, 'It says you will battle with unrivalled bravery and daring, and that you will bring down the man that ends my life... not that Merlin will tell me who that is mind!' and suddenly my theory made so much sense. It would explain why Merlin wouldn't tell Arthur who killed him! Does that mean that Merlin is evil..? No! No, he can't be! He's not in any way evil... but that's the way Lady Morgana came across, she was the sweetest, kindest woman, at least that's what I've heard! As you can imagine, by the time Arthur and Merlin woke up I was in a state. I was convinced that Merlin was either evil, or would turn evil and that one day he would kill Arthur, and I would kill him...

I was way off. Not that being so off made the actual revelation any easier.

"Paige, last night I promised you total honesty in our relationship," Arthur said after we'd packed ready to return to Camelot. He had gathered the three of us round the burnt out fire to discuss his important revelation. "And I am determined to keep that promise. After everything that has happened between us, lying to you is not an option." Arthur paused, and opened and closed his mouth a few times as if he were at a loss as to what to say. God the secret had to be bad if he couldn't get it out. That only shook me up more. If it was so bad that Arthur was at a loss for words over how to tell me then who knows what untold horrors could be bubbling away on the time of his tongue. Merlin very sweetly placed a hand on Arthur's arm, gave him a reassuring smile and nod. Arthur beamed at him and returned the actions, nodding at Merlin, placing his hand over his advisors. And then it clicked. Everything clicked! Their weird behaviour, catching Merlin wearing Arthur's bed clothes, Arthur's reluctance to talk about Merlin's lady-friend, Merlin's odd comments about Arthur's lover, and not his mistress... My head was spinning and I felt sick before Arthur could even get the words out. "Merlin and I are in love..." he whispered, interlinking their fingers, not once removing his gaze from Merlin's. I gasped, despite seeing it coming a few seconds before and brought my hand to my mouth. Merlin and Arthur, in love? But it couldn't be! They were both men! Men do not love other men, they love women! And Arthur loved Gwen! Right..?

"I... I don't know what to say..." I muttered, not able to look at either of them. I just couldn't! They were together and they were both men! It was unnatural, wrong!

"Paige..." Arthur whispered nervously. "Please don't think any less of me, of us! I just want to be honest with you; I don't want us to have any secrets," Still I did not look at them. My brain was so jumbled and fried, I knew I had to get away from them, to think freely and analyse what Arthur had just said. As much as I wanted to be disgusted and horrified by Arthur's confession, I knew I had to give him a chance. After all, he wanted to be honest, and he had kept that promise and come clean with a secret that could potentially destroy what little relationship we already had.

"I need to think..." I admitted, getting to my feet without looking at them. "I won't go far, I promise... and I'll be careful," I wandered towards the entrance to the cave without another word, still not lifting my head. I wrapped my arms tight around my chest, desperate to keep in the sobs that were threatening to over take me. I wanted to cry alone, in private. I couldn't cry in front of Arthur and Merlin, it would crush them, knowing they were the cause of my tears.

"Paige!" Arthur called out to me, his voice frantic with worry. I ignored him and carried on. "Paige please!" Arthur replied. This time I heard him get to his feet, heard him attempt to follow.

"Arthur! Leave her, let her think..." Merlin said calmly. I assumed he grabbed Arthur, for Arthur had stopped moving, but as I didn't look back, I wasn't sure. "She'll be ok; she just needs to process this," I nodded as Merlin spoke, hoped that they could see me.

"I won't go far..." I repeated as I disappeared out the cave's opening.

"Be careful!" Arthur called out before I was out of earshot.

--

I wanted to walk forever, to get as far away from the cave as possible. I wanted to escape and never face either Merlin or Arthur again! But I knew I could never do it, for as much as I hated the both of them at that moment, as disgusted as I was with them, I still cared about them, still loved them. And I knew they in return, loved me, and were only trying to do right by me. I found myself a secluded spot; a few minute's walk from the cave, and finally freed the heartache within. I sobbed, sobbed so hard my whole chest heaved and my body shook. The tears hurt but I could not, and would not stop them from coming. I needed to cry, wanted to. I just couldn't process what Arthur had said. How, how could he and Merlin be in love? I couldn't understand it. You aren't supposed to love members of the same sex in such a way! Those feelings are meant for someone of the opposite sex! I thought of Gwen and my heart broke even more. Did she know? The poor woman. Did Arthur even love her or was she just being used as a front? Maybe he did love her and was having his cake, and eating it too. And then I thought of Merlin and the way I felt about him. I had been in love with him and the whole time he was in love with Arthur. My stomach heaved when I realised that I loved the same man that my father loved. It was sick, wrong, more or less incest! I was so disgusted with myself, with Merlin and with Arthur that I just curled up on the floor and allowed my sobs to completely overtake me. So much, did they over take me, that my mind soon became free of all thoughts and worries, and my body, gracefully allowed me to doze off, mid-sob.

--

I wasn't asleep long, for when I awoke the sun had only just risen. The sleep had calmed me down a lot and allowed me to think a lot more rationally and clearly. Maybe you couldn't help who you feel in love with? Maybe it didn't matter who they were, man or woman, old or young?! Maybe there were no restrictions with love? Maybe I should just be happy that Arthur and Merlin had found a love that most people wait a life time for, yet never truly find... I decided that the only way to come to a decision how I really felt about the matter, was to return to Arthur and Merlin and let them give their side of the story.

--

I spotted them through the trees as I approached the cave. They were laying together right outside it, just gazing at each other and talking. When they didn't notice me, I took the opportunity to spy on them. I wasn't being creepy or anything, I just wanted to understand their relationship, wanted to see exactly how in love they were. I'm sure they would be a lot more set aside and awkward with me around.

"Did I ever tell you that I loved you from the first time I saw you?" Arthur questioned, stroking Merlin's cheek with his thumb. Merlin blushed and giggled. I shuddered slightly, still disturbed by the sight, despite seeing the love between them.

"You hated me! You had me thrown in the cells!" he replied. Arthur rolled his eyes.

"I had to look strong in front of my men... " he said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. And it was! Arthur hated to look weak in front of his men. Merlin laughed.

"Well I for one hated you," Merlin admitted. "You were an arrogant, rude Prat and a bully," Arthur gave him a mock offended look.

"Hey!" he cried. I couldn't help but giggle at the look on his face.

"Ok, you were a royal arrogant rude Prat, and a bully," he corrected.

"That's better," replied Arthur, beaming at Merlin. "But I did you know, love you from the first time I saw you... you stood up to me and I respected that, no one had ever stood up to me before, not even my men! And then you flashed that damn smile of yours, and I was smitten. It lit up your whole face, made your eyes sparkle..." Merlin blushed furiously, beamed at Arthur and gave him a small kiss. As much as I didn't want to see that, I couldn't help but let my heart swell – they were so darn cute!

"And then the next day I humiliated you and you hated me again?" Arthur gave Merlin a playful shove.

"I was not humiliated and I most certainly didn't hate you! I thought you were brave and adorable," Arthur insisted. I bet he was humiliated, if only a little...

"Well you most certainly hated me during the whole Valiant thing, and you admitted to me yourself that I humiliated you... " Merlin said with a playful smile.

"No, I didn't hate you... much... I was just so used to being believed by my father all the time, so when he didn't believe me, I was disgruntled. It came as quite a shock, and although I believed you, I let out my frustrations on you," Arthur's tone had saddened slightly, he looked ashamed of himself. "I should have stuck up for you,"

"No... No because when you left to fight Valiant alone, and faced almost certain death, I realised that I was in love with you as well," Merlin admitted.

"I still have the note you sent me, telling me how you felt..." Arthur said, causing Merlin's smile to become even wider, the blush on his cheeks even darker. It was at this point that I realised I had tears in my eyes, and not tears of revulsion but of happiness. They were obviously so in love with each other! They way they looked into each other's eyes... it reminded me of my late parents, and the love they shared until the day they died. I realised that it didn't matter that they were both men, that I still felt a little uneasy about the whole thing, all that mattered was the fact that they made each other so incredibly happy, that they were in love... And the fact that they had the guts to tell me about it, when such a relationship was despised and rejected... well it really showed just how dedicated they were to each other. And in that moment, I felt a stab of loss as my feelings for Merlin melted away, replaced by the joy of seeing him so happy, of seeing Arthur so happy.

--

"I'm sorry I walked away," I whispered as I approached the two of them. They were both so lost in one another, that they hadn't heard me approach, and had jumped at the sound of my voice.

"It's ok," Arthur said as he sat up and patted the ground next to him. "It probably wasn't the easiest thing for you to hear," he admitted. I shook my head as I sat down.

"It was a little bit... disturbing," I admitted. "But then I realised that you made each other happy, and I've decided that is all that matters," I gave Arthur the most genuine smile I could manage.

"That's very mature of you," he said with a nod of approval. "You'll be a fine queen one day," I blushed, pleased at Arthur's words. If he thought I'd make a good queen, then maybe one day, I would be...

"Well not anytime soon I hope," Merlin chuckled. "You still have to fulfil your destiny and bring peace to Albion. That could take years! I mean your such a Prat, I don't think any other monarch will want to listen to you,"

"Shut up Merlin," Arthur teased, giving him a playful slap on the back of his head.

--

"Guinevere knows... she always has known, and has always just... accepted it,"! Arthur confessed on the ride back to Camelot. I had asked him if anyone else knows about his relationship with Merlin.

"I just don't see how she can do that, it must be heartbreaking for her," I admitted. "She must really love you," I know I would not be able to stand it if my husband was having an affair with another person, and a man at that, let alone accept it and let it happen!

"Maybe. I don't really know, she doesn't ever talk about it," Arthur said with a shrug of his shoulders. "I've asked her about it, but all she says is it's her burden to bear and she will bear it for the sake of our marriage," I couldn't help but notice how little Arthur seemed to care.

"Do you love her?" I asked. I worried that my question was a bit too personal for Arthur's liking, but he chuckled.

"Always so perceptive!" he said, indicating that I was the subject of his words. I doubted them a little... I mean if I was so perceptive, I would have spotted all this a long time ago! "You're right, I don't love her. I thought I did, long ago but... I was in love with the idea of her. The idea of having the happy family I craved so much. So I married her, partly to produce the family I so badly wanted, and partly because I knew I had to take a queen in order to keep my people happy,"

"So your marriage, it's all about appearances and an heir?" I asked. Arthur gave a half hearted nod and then shook his head.

"Appearances' maybe but... now I have my family," Arthur smiled at me, and then at Merlin – who was sharing Arthur's horse and was leaning against his back, fast asleep, his arms tight around his Kings waist. All the other horses were stolen while we camped out in that cave! I'm so glad that Arthur thought to take Willow to the cave as well! I couldn't bear losing her!

"Does Gwen know that you don't love her, and that your marriage is just for appearances'?" I questioned. I couldn't help but feel so overwhelmingly sorry for Gwen, things must be so terribly hard for her. Having a husband that does not love her, but loves another man...

"No. She believes that I love her and I'd like to keep it that way. I know that seems harsh, but the thing is, life as a king is all about appearances'. If my wife leaves me I'll be seen as weak and cruel and my people will turn on me. And once a king loses' his people... well, that just about ends his reign," Arthur gave me a sad smile. "It makes me sound terrible, I know,"

"No!" I insisted. "No, I can understand completely it's just... I wish there was another way for this to all pan out,"

"So do I. While I may not love Gwen, I care for her deeply and... and I would hate for her to get hurt. So could you do me a favour, and keep this to yourself?" Arthur asked. "About us as well... she has no idea that you are my daughter, and I don't think she'll be very pleased if she finds out," I nodded and agreed, the whole time rocked by the things Arthur had said. I never realised how restricted his life must be. He is King, and as King he has to be perfect all the time, he can never show any weakness and he must sacrifice so much of his own happiness for the good of his kingdom. How he copes with it all, I'll never know...

Paige xx

--

This chapter might not be up to my usual standards – that's up for you to decide I guess – as I've been left alone with the puppies today and they are just running around like mad, peeing everywhere... little bastards! (For those interested, they are 5 week old staffie pups. Some are brindle, some are fawn and while... all are adorable and a lot of hard work!)