Dear Diary

I was up so early this morning – we got back just as it was getting dark last night and I went straight to bed. I just lay there, all snug in bed, enjoying the sot mattress and the warmth of the blankets. Something I'd missed while I'd been out with Arthur and Merlin. Anyway the plan was that'd I'd doze in bed all morning and keep myself out of trouble until I did some training with Arthur in the afternoon, when my chainmail and armour would be ready. Of course, as is usual in this castle, things didn't go as planned.

It was an hour or so after sunrise, and I could hear people outside my window (I'm on the first floor). I didn't plan on listening in, really I didn't! But I couldn't help but hear! Honestly!

"Gaius you have to check your findings again, you must be wrong," It was Gwen, and from the sounds of things she was sobbing. The tone of her voice was just so desperate, so anxious... I felt my stomach lurch at once. What was wrong with her? Was she ill? Dying?

"I'm sorry my dear, but I've already checked my findings three times and the results have been the same every time," Gaius said solemnly. "You are with child," I gasped and muffled the sound in my pillow despite the fact I knew they couldn't hear me. Gwen, pregnant? But what about the prophecy? Was it wrong? Or was it someone else's child? And if so, who's?

"Gaius there must be something you can do," Gwen pleaded. "I can't be pregnant, you know of the prophecy... "

"Guinevere, for all you know the prophecy might be wrong," Gaius replied.

"Gaius you know it is..." I didn't hear the rest of Gwen's reply, she and Gaius had moved out of earshot. I jumped out of bed at once and rushed to my window, but it was too late. Gwen and Gaius were gone.

What was going on? Was the prophecy wrong? If so did that mean that it was also wrong about me being queen? Or was Gwen having an affair, and having another man's child? And if she was, who the hell was this other man? Did Arthur know she was having an affair (if she was having one)? By the panicked sound of voice, then, no, he didn't know... Argh! So many questions! I decided the best bet was to find Merlin and ask him; after all he was the only one who could read the prophecy.

--

I prayed that Arthur was not in Merlin's chambers for there was no way I was mentioning any of this too him and there was no way I would be able to lie to him about my presence at Merlin's door!. What if I got things wrong and he did something to Gwen? Or worse, himself? Thankfully, Merlin was alone.

"Hmm... good morning Paige...." he muttered as he opened the door. He looked as though he had just woken up, his eyes were puffy and he stretched and yawned as he talked to me. I had to use all my will power to not find the whole thing adorable! I hated myself for that! I could not still have feelings for him, not now! Not when he was with Arthur! "Did you want something?" he asked with another yawn.

"I need to talk to you about the prophecy and Gwen," I whispered, glancing around nervously out of fear that someone, anyone could be listening in. Merlin's eyes widened just a little, and he stepped aside to let me in. To say his room was a mess was an understatement. Books were piled in every available space as all his shelves were full, clothes littered what space there was between those books; rolls of parchment covered every available surface and copious amounts of the castles plates sat piled next to his desk. "Er... didn't you used to be Arthur's manservant?" I asked, gingerly sitting down on the scruffy, unmade bed. Merlin smirked as he rubbed his eyes.

"I wasn't very good at it... to be honest, I cheated my way through most of that job!" he laughed. Looking around his room I could believe that! How did the man like living in such squalor? Geez how often did Arthur sleep in here? It couldn't be very often, he's so neat and organized. He'd hate to be in here for even a second, let alone overnight. I shuddered slightly at the thought of Arthur spending the night in Merlin's chambers. Still not used to the idea of them being all... together!

"Idiot," I said with a roll of my eyes. Merlin laughed as he cleared his chair and sat down opposite me.

"Hmm, yes that's what your father...err Arthur, always said to me," he remembered with a fond smile. "Actually come to think of it, he still says that to me," I guessed Arthur meant it as a term of endearment because Merlin was the last person that I'd consider an idiot.

"Yes, he does call you an idiot quite often," I said with a smile. "But anyway, this prophecy... what does it say about Guinevere and not having children?" I persisted. Merlin tilted his head in question, narrowed his eyes suspiciously.

"Why do you ask?" he questioned cautiously. I bit my lip and glanced around the room nervously. When I was sure that no one was in the room, I leaned in towards Merlin and indicated that he should do the same.

"Lady Guinevere is pregnant," I whispered. I honestly expected Merlin not to believe me. After all, we both knew what the prophecy said – that Gwen could not have children.

"How do you know this?" he cried frantically, spinning round on his chair to examine the books that lay open there.

"I overheard her and Gaius talking just a few minutes ago... he confirmed it, she is, to quote him 'with child'" I said, using my fingers to indicate the use of a quotation. Merlin didn't reply, he simply continued to flip through his book. He scanned page after page as quickly as he could manage, desperate to find the page he was looking for. After a few tense minutes, he found it.

"I was hoping this wouldn't hold true," Merlin said, tugging the book of the pile and dumping it in my lap. Next to a page of unreadable Latin lay a page of his own untidy scrawl, translations for the adjacent page. I read them over quickly, trying hard to understand Merlin's terrible handwriting and my jaw dropped when I realised what his words said.

"So this is the secret... not any other?" I asked, reading again the words I was unable to believe. Merlin nodded.

"Yes, this secret is the one that will bring about Arthurs downfall, and no other..." He confirmed.

While both Guinevere and Arthur can conceive children, they cannot conceive together due to an unknown medical incompatibility.

After just two short years of marriage, Guinevere will conceive a child fathered, of course, not by her husband, but an unknown man with whom she has had a long term affair with. Should Arthur Pendragon learn that the child is not his, he will fly into an uncontrollable rage that will frighten his wife into leaving him to be with her forbidden lover. Arthur will sentence his wife to death and will thus destroy his public image, which will, in the long run, result in his eventual downfall.

"'Should Arthur learn the child is not his...'" I read, with a grimace, "He will know it is not his straight away! He knows about the prophecy!" I cried.

"I know. The only way out of this is to cause Gwen to miscarry before it becomes obvious she is expecting. " Merlin said dismally. "I know it sounds horrible and wrong, but Arthur cannot know about Guinevere's affair,"

"Talk about double standards!" I snorted, folding my arms in annoyance. "Arthur is allowed to have an affair but Guinevere isn't?" Gwen's relationship with Arthur couldn't be that fulfilling if he had Merlin as well, and that's without his duties as King. Of course the poor woman needed to look elsewhere for affection and love!

"Paige, things are different for men and women and you know it. A man can have an affair, have a mistress even, and it's looked over, but a woman... a woman cannot have an affair, cannot betray her marital vows. If she does, her husband has every right to have her executed," Merlin stressed. I rolled my eyes at him, becoming increasingly annoyed with every word that came out of his mouth. What total hypocritical rubbish! How is it that a man can have an affair and a woman can't? Is it because a man cannot bear a child that will show more of a resemblance to their lover than to their husband?

"That is just ridiculous!" I cried.

"Men are considered superior to women Paige." Merlin said. "As lower beings women are expected to do as they are told, are expected to toe the line," Lower beings? Is that how Merlin and Arthur thought of me? As lower than them?

"It's disgusting it really is, women should be equal to men! What makes them so superior?" I questioned, desperate to understand why men thought they were better than women.

"It's just the way things are Paige, the way things always have been! Why do you think we have never had a queen before?" Merlin stopped when he saw the deadly glare on my face, knowing at once that his words were not to my liking. "Look Paige, neither Arthur nor I believe women to be 'lesser beings', least of all you," he said, desperate to reassure me. I wasn't sure about that! Merlin I could believe, but Arthur? NO! If he was willing to kill his Queen for having an affair when he too was having one, he obviously thought that Guinevere was below him.

"If that is so, then why will Arthur execute Gwen for having an affair when he is doing the same thing himself?" I demanded. Merlin looked a bit panicked, my voice was raised to quite a volume and I could tell he was terrified that someone might hear me. To be honest I was almost hoping that someone would hear, if only to hear that Arthur was as much at fault as Gwen.

"Loo Paige, Arthur would willingly let Guinevere have an affair, as long as she told him first. After all she has every right to take another man, considering Arthur has one... it's the fact that she lies to him that gets him riled up. You read it yourself; he'll get so angry he'll push Gwen into her lover's arms. That will just make the whole affair public, and it will make Arthur look a weak and feeble King. He'll have no choice but to execute her, whether he wants to or not," Argh! I knew Merlin was right, as much as I hated to admit it! If the Kings people did not believe in him, did not stand by him and worship him... well, there was no point in him being king at all. But...

"But if he executes her, that will destroy his public image!" I cried, tapping Merlin's notes with my finger. Merlin sighed and nodded.

"Either outcome will destroy Arthur, so you have to understand that Arthur can never find out about this. We have to make Gwen miscarry,"

"So you're saying that we have to... push her down the stairs or something?" I asked appalled.

"No! Nothing that drastic... we just have to make her drink pennyroyal essential oil," My jaw dropped at once. Pennyroyal essential oil? Obviously he thought that I had no idea what that did or he would not have mentioned it.

"So you wish to force an abortion on her?" I cried, outraged. How dare Merlin suggest such an outrageous thing! Pennyroyal abortions were meant to be unbearably excruciating and often resulted in the death of the mother.

"Yes! Paige what other choice do we have? Look I know pennyroyal abortions are terrible things, but I can use my magic's to make it as easy on her and her body as possible," he promised. Why couldn't he just use his magic's to get rid of her child without her having to go through such pain and suffering? Surely there was a way? "And I know what you're thinking, why can't I just use my magic's to get rid of her child? Well I would if it were not for the fact that any such spell would permanently remove her reproductive organs as well! How would we explain that to her, to Arthur?"

"Surely she would not notice?" I questioned, confused. After all, they are inside her body right? She would not know of their disappearance.

"Ah... um, I take it that you don't um... bleed once a month, from erm... down there?" Merlin questioned, pointing below his waist, obviously struggling with what he should say. Bleed once a month? What the hell was he on about?

"No..." I said, prolonging the word to make my confusion obvious. Merlin blushed and stammered out the next sentence at quite a speed.

"Um, women, once they reach about 14, they erm, bleed once a month for a few days... it means they are fertile and can reproduce... when they stop, it means they are pregnant... so if Gwen was to stop bleeding once a month, then that would only make Arthur suspicious... if I get this pennyroyal thing right, then she should continue to... bleed once a month, I mean,"

"Oh..." I whispered, blushing hard. So that was to happen to me soon? Argh, it sounds dreadful. "So there really is no other way to deal with this?" I questioned. I was still very uneasy about the whole thing, but I knew if there was any other option, Merlin would find it, right? Or maybe he is just so desperate to protect Arthur he just wants to eliminate this problem as soon as possible?

"Paige I promise you that if there was any other way to do this, then I would do it! But there isn't any, just trust me ok?

I agreed and I'm not sure why! I'm really not very comfortable with the idea of forcing this abortion on Gwen, and I'm certain there has to be another way to deal with all this! I'm also not at all comfortable with keeping this from Arthur! We promised to be honest with each other and I don't think I could lie too him if he got wind of all of this! Not after he has been so brutally honest with me!

--

"Hold your arms up," Arthur said to me later that day. He was helping me put on my new armour as I had absolutely no idea how to put any of it on. I groaned as the weighty chainmail fell onto my shoulders. It was cold, uncomfortable and heavy! How could Arthur and his men wear it so often? And this was without the rest of the armour! Arthur chuckled at my discomfort. "It will get easier, I swear," he promised.

"How exactly?" I asked as I lowered my arms, causing the sleeves to roll down. The links caught and pinched my skin a few times and I shrieked in pain. Arthur smiled, but did not laugh this time.

"You'll learn to move your body with the chainmail so that it won't weigh you down and won't pinch your skin," he promised. "Now here, give me your wrists," he said. I held them out and he bound each of them with their individual cuff. "You are paying attention right? You need to know how to put this all on yourself," What? Wouldn't my handmaiden be responsible for that? But then I remembered... I refused to hire a handmaiden.

"Won't a servant dress me before I go into battle?" I questioned nevertheless.

"Yes, but you still need to know... especially if you end up with a total idiot of a servant like Merlin," he said, his tone fond. I smiled, knowing he meant it in an affectionate way as well as a literal way. I stayed silent as Arthur finished dressing me, and paid careful attention to the way he put my armour on, and in what order.

"Don't I need a sword, and maybe a shield..?" I asked a few minutes later when I realised I was void of both essential items.

"Patience child!" Arthur said ruffling my hair. I'm back to pretending I'm ok with that... So maybe I've decided that I am in fact ok with that.... Maybe I've decided that I quite like it when Arthur does that... I rolled my eyes at Arthur, which he chose to ignore, and smiled.

"That depends on how long I have to be patient for, this armour isn't light, as you well know!" I cried out. Arthur however, either didn't hear or didn't want to reply, for he had wandered to the side of the training arena and picked up a large oak box.

"Here, you don't have to be patient anymore," he said as he presented me with the box, a wide grin on his face. The box was so big that I had to lie it down on the ground to open it. My hands were shaking as I pulled it open, I couldn't even begin to contemplate what might be inside. Within the box lay a very old sword and shield, both of which were in great condition. The sword was very simple, it shone in the light and the handle had only one defining feature – a red gem at the end. The shield too was plain, simple, but when I turned it over, I noticed the back was engraved with a long list of names (All of which belonged to the Pendragon family) and dates, the most recent being 'Arthur Pendragon April 18th 503 – July 9th 533' the later date being today's date. There was a blank space under it. I stared at it in shock, barely able to take in Arthurs words. "This is handed down from father to son in the Pendragon family. The father give's it to his son, his heir when he feels he is ready to start his training in becoming a knight and a king. My father gave me this on my 5th birthday, and now I'm presenting it to you..."

"But I'm not your son," I whispered, still taking in the long list of names and dates on the back of the shield. It amazed me to see how long the shield had been in the Pendragon family... it had been hundreds of years.

"No," said Arthur. "You're my daughter, my child. My heir," He sounded like he was swollen with pride. "I left your name blank... normally the father has his sons name engraved upon it before he give it to him, along with the date of when he does so, which of course is the date added to his own name, indicating when he'd passed it on... anyway, I wasn't sure what you'd want me to put, so I left it for you could decide," I sat there for a minute, deep in thought. Do I put Arthur's surname, or the name I had grown up with?

"I'd like it... I'd like it if you put Paige Pendragon," I admitted, ducking my head so I could hide the intense blush that had invaded my cheeks. A few seconds later, I heard Arthur weeping softly, and turned in shock to look at him.

"What's wrong?" I asked, jumping to my feet so I could comfort him if I needed to. He however, smiled at me and shook his head.

"I've just... I've never been so happy, so proud in my entire life..." he whispered, gently wiping his eyes with the tip of his thumb. I forced a smile to my lips and returned the hug that came a few seconds later. Inside however, I was crushed. Here was Arthur, so incredibly happy with me, so proud of me, and the whole time I was keeping from him a deadly secret, despite promising that I would be honest with him. I cared for him so much and keeping that, and Merlin's plans from him was eating away at me. I didn't want to destroy what little relationship we had. I wanted him to be proud of me, to have a happy relationship with him, but I can't do that while keeping all this from him. For a few seconds, I debated whether or not I should tell him everything, hoping that if I told him about the prophecy, then he would be able to be calm and rational about the whole thing. But then a sudden downpour tore me from my thoughts, as Arthur and I had to flee the rain and head to the castle. By the time I thought about it again, I was already in my bedchambers preparing for bed.

Now I am at a loss as to whether I should tell him all over again...

Paige xxx

--

Notes

I know the Arthurian legends are set in the 6th century, but I'm not sure of the dates so I made them up.

Pennyroyal essential oil was used to induce abortions as early as the 5th century, until it was discovered that it was in fact, a poison.

I know the Gwen abortion thing seems harsh, but its building towards something I swear

Also, we are almost at 100 reviews... could I ask that those who don't normally review take the time too, if only to push the landmark 100th comment?

YOU GUYS ROCK! THATS FOR READING THIS – THERE IS SO MUCH MORE TO COME!