Dear Diary

Arthur is away today and I wish that he wasn't for things have gone so very, very wrong. And the worst part is, I think Merlin is to blame! I don't know what to do, on the one hand I think if Merlin is to blame, then he is just doing it for his King, his lover and the future of his Kingdom, but on the other it seems like he has acted irrationally and on the spur of the moment and done something potentially life threatening. And if he is not to blame... then it means there is someone within the court of Camelot desperate to see Arthur fall.

Arthur left before I even awoke this morning (I have a brief memory of him kissing me goodbye at daybreak, but that might have been a dream,) so I was free to met with Merlin straight away, like we agreed. We were to discuss the whole Guinevere thing and try and work out the best way to deal with the situation before Arthur returned. Problem is, Merlin had already come to a decision about what we were going to do, leaving me little choice but to agree! (The plan was that when I dined with Guinevere at dinner that evening, Merlin would slow time, and would slip in and spike her drink before anyone was any the wiser .I still wasn't happy with it, but there really wasn't anything I could do.)

"I know it's a horrid thing to do Paige, but I have been up all night trying to come to another conclusion and I can find none! We have to do this, and we have to do it now before Arthur returns!" he hissed at me as we walked down the Gaius's chambers together trying our best to look innocent. Merlin had told me that Gaius kept Pennyroyal oil in his chambers, and that we needed to steal it without him knowing lest someone see one of us buying the stuff from the market.

"Merlin are you sure there is no other way round this, I mean really sure... I'm not at all comfortable with all this," I persisted. Merlin sighed and stopped, turned to face me.

"I'm not comfortable with this either Paige... I truly don't want to take such a horrible risk, don't want to do such an appalling thing to Gwen, but we have to think about the Kingdom as a whole and not just one person..." As much as I hated to admit it, he had me there. We could leave Guinevere with her child and risk the entire kingdom, or we could do the unthinkable and abort her child, risking only her. It was a horrible, horrible choice to make, but there was only one way to go...

"You will make sure she's ok, right?" I asked, tearing up a little. I truly cared for Gwen; she was a lovely person and had never done me wrong. Yet now it seemed I would have to wrong her, simply because she had married a man that did not love her.

"I promise you Paige, I will do everything in my power to make sure Guinevere will be ok," he promised, gripping each of my shoulders in his hands. "This will haunt me forever, but so will letting Arthur fall," Merlin's eyes brimmed over as he spoke, and I saw the heartache and pain that was deep within them. This was butchering him as much as it was butchering me. I nodded, finally believing that he had no other choice in the matter and that we were doing the best for Camelot, for Arthur.

--

"Why Hello my dear, and what brings you here today?" Gaius asked as he opened his door. I bit my lip, unable to come up with a reason for my presence. Merlin had asked me to distract Gaius so that he could slip in and take the bottle of pennyroyal essential oil.

"I... er... feel a little sick," I mumbled, grasping my stomach as I did so. Gaius gave me a soft smile and stepped aside to let me in the room.

"Come in my dear, I'll get you a tonic to ease the feeling," Oh great, that stuff again! And this time I don't even need it! I groaned but followed him into the room nevertheless and sat myself down in one of his chairs. Merlin slipped into the room as Gaius turned from his table, to me. "Here you are," Gaius said, handing me a glass of the foul grey liquid. I shuddered as I took it. "I take it that I don't need to tell you that you must-"

"Drink it all?" I said sadly, my eyes wide in nervousness. Gaius chuckled and nodded. He went to turn around, but Merlin was still looking around his shelves! I had to distract him, and quick. "Isn't there anything else you can give me?" I demanded, a little rudely, as I slammed the glass down onto the table. I blushed a little at my rudeness, Gaius didn't deserve it. However it stopped him turning around.

"You remind me of Arthur," he said fondly with a chuckle as he patted my hand. "He asked me the exact same thing ever time he fell ill," As Gaius spoke, Merlin gave me a nod and held up a small bottle. He had what he needed.

"He refuses them now doesn't he?" I asked with a grin. Gaius chuckled again, nodded and handed me the tonic.

"Yes he does, but I don't think he would be very appreciative if he found out I'd let you get away with not drinking this," Gaius chuckled, standing over me with folded arms. Damn. I downed the horrid thing in one and handed the glass back to an amused Gaius with a very forced smile. "Do you feel better my dear?" he asked, his eyes sparkling.

"Yes, very much so..." I said, grimacing at the aftertaste of the tonic. "Thanks Gaius," I said, fleeing the room before he could force any more foul potions down my throat.

--

"You have been spending a lot of time with Arthur of late," Gwen commented later that day as we walked through the grounds. I had agreed to accompany her on a walk for some unknown reason. I was terrified at the idea of spending a prolonged amount of time with her, for fear I might give something away or make her suspicious.

"Argh! I know, but he's very insistent about my training schedule," I said with a sigh and a roll of my eyes. I hoped she would hear the aversion in my voice.

"He only means well," Gwen insisted with a soft smile. "He wants you to be the best swordswoman possible," I gave what I hoped looked like a very forced smile and nodded.

"Yes that's what he says," I said with a soft laugh. "Sometimes I think that maybe he's just trying to annoy me," Gwen laughed as I said that.

"Maybe, but he adores you Paige, I don't think he means to annoy you," she maintained. As Gwen spoke, she inadvertently moved her hand down to her stomach and held it there for just a second. I shuddered slightly as an overwhelming feeling of guilt and shame overtook me. She looked so happy, and she was glowing!

"I'm sure on some level he wants to annoy me," I insisted causing Guinevere to laugh even more so. Argh! How could I be planning to do such an evil thing to her? She was so blissful, so elated, and I was going to take that away from her! I must have looked distressed, for Guinevere asked;

"Is there anything the matter Paige, you look troubled?" she sounded concerned.

"Oh, it's nothing, I'm fine," I insisted not looking at her. If I did, I'm sure she'd see the fear on my face, the deceit in my eyes.

"You can trust me Paige," she continued, placing a comforting hand on my shoulder. I wanted to shrug it off, to flee to my chambers and stay there until way past dinner time, but I knew I couldn't. I had to think about the future of Camelot!

"I'm fine," I promised, looking Gwen in the eye when I was sure I'd forced the look of deceit from them. Gwen looked startled as she looked into my eyes, and I panicked that she could see my lies in them.

"Have your eyes always been blue?" She asked, looking deep into them. I blushed and turned away, nodding the whole time.

"Of course," I insisted.

"I'm sure they were grey," Gwen said, sounding bewildered. I blushed as I lied and hoped that Gwen would miss it.

"No, blue," I promised. "Like my mothers,"

"They look like Arthurs eyes..." she mused. I felt a wave of panic hit me as she said that, and desperately tried to calm myself enough to reassure her that I didn't think so.

"They look nothing like his!" I said, shrieking without meaning too. "My mother's eyes were much more beautiful than his!" Gwen dropped the subject after that, and I felt terribly guilty. Although it didn't stop her from staring at my eyes every so often.

--

As I lay in my chambers that afternoon, waiting for dinnertime to come, I couldn't help but become overcome with doubts and guilty thoughts about what was to be done.

Surely there had to be a way to smuggle her out of Camelot once she started to show? Maybe we could convince Arthur that she had a sick relative somewhere... but then what about the baby?

Maybe Merlin could 'find' another part of the prophecy that states that Arthur and Guinevere could conceive a child if they attempted conception at a certain time in a certain place..?

Maybe Gwen could fake her own death and flee Camelot with her lover, and live happy and healthily with her family far, far away?

As darkness loomed, I knew that there had to be other ways to deal with Gwen's pregnancy. I knew I could not do what Merlin asked of me!

I slipped out of my chambers and snuck down to Merlin's. I listened at his door, and checked under the crack for any sign of light. When I was sure that he was not in, I ducked in before anyone could see me, and shut the door behind me. It took me an age to find the pennyroyal essential oil amongst the mess, but I found it and fled the room before Merlin could return! From there I returned it to Gaius's chambers, hoping that he had not spotted it missing before now. (He was dozing in his chair thankfully; I don't think I could have stomached another tonic,) I was trembling the entire time, and only felt relief when I returned to my chambers. In fact I felt more than relief; I felt calm and guilt free. I was determined to find another way to help Gwen and was elated that I had stopped something horrible from happening.

--

"You did what?" Merlin demanded. I had stopped by his chambers before I headed to dinner, and had found him searching for the pennyroyal essential oil amongst his mess.

"I returned the oil to Gaius's chambers Merlin... I did some thinking, and I decided that I can't go through with all this! I can't kill Gwen's baby! It's innocent Merlin, innocent! As is Gwen!" Ok so she wasn't innocent, per say, but she wasn't exactly guilty either! None of this would have happened is Arthur hadn't chosen to marry a woman he did not love. Merlin groaned and rubbed his eyes in frustration.

"Paige you have no idea what you have just done!" he cried, so angry with me he couldn't even look at me. "You could have just cost Arthur the crown! You have jeopardised the future of Camelot!" I however, stood my ground.

"There has to be another way, in fact there is! We can smuggle Gwen out of Camelot once she starts to show, say she's with sick relatives! Or she can fake her death and flee with her lover! Anything but this," I pleaded. Merlin still did not look at me, still sat there looking frustrated and angry. "Please Merlin! You could conceal her pregnancy with magic's, or tell Arthur you translated the prophecy wrong! Please, I'm begging you, don't do this to Gwen! She is so happy, so content! This will kill her," I had tears of frustration in my eyes by this point, and my voice was high with the panic and alarm that was taking me over. Merlin chanced a look at me, and his face softened when he caught sight of the anguish I was in.

"Ok, Ok! I'll do some research," he promised. "You're right, there has to be another way! I'm sorry to have upset you so Paige, I was so blinded by panic I didn't even think about what my actions might lead to. I'm just so desperate to protect Arthur; I didn't even consider any other option!" I cried out in relief.

"Thank you Merlin!" I exclaimed, throwing my arms around him. He simply chuckled and returned the sentiment.

"We'll figure this out," he promised. "One way or another, Gwen will keep her child, I give you my word,"

--

"It's the strangest thing," Guinevere said that night at dinner as she picked at her meal. "I can't seem to bring myself to eat this chicken," I gave her a concerned look, and acted as though I had no idea what she was on about.

"You love chicken," I said with a worried frown, "It's your favourite!" Gwen gave me a weak smile.

"Yes, but as of late it has been making me feel quite ill," It was then that I noticed she was looking a little pale.

"Maybe the kitchen staff aren't cooking it probably?" I offered with a shrug of my shoulders, looking down the whole time to keep Gwen seeing the blush on my cheeks that always came when I lied.

"Maybe," she said as she reached for her water. "But no one else has become ill,"

"Maybe you have a sensitive stomach," I said as she took a sip...

It happened almost straight away. Gwen drew her hand to her mouth as if she was going to vomit, but then simply groaned and cradled her stomach. She took a few deep breaths to try and control the pain, but it kept coming thick and fast, worsening with every second. All too soon she was crying out with the pain, screaming.... agony written across her face. One of the guards had hurried to find Gaius by this point, and the other rushed to Gwen and held her as she cried out. He asked her again and again what was wrong, but she was clearly in too much pain to answer, and simply shook her head.

After a minute or too she screamed out, the volume of her cries piercing my ears, going straight through me. That's when the blood appeared, floods of it, dripping down her skirt, pooling on the floor beneath her. She was losing the baby!

"No!" she screamed. "No! No! No!" as she clutched her stomach for dear life. "My baby, please, no!" She screamed again and began to sob. Sobs that shook her whole body, sobs that made her sound like she was being choked to death... I wanted to comfort her, to hold her and assure her that everything would be ok... but I was rooted to the spot, unable to move.

Gaius appeared a second later, and ordered the guards to take her to his chambers.

"Don't you breathe a word of this to anyone!" He warned them "Least of all the King," The panicked guards readily agreed as the carried a broken and bleeding Guinevere out of the room. "Paige, what happened?" Gaius asked, turning to me the second they were out of sight.

"I...I... don't know..." I said, trembling in concern. "She had some water... and then... then it just happened..." I mumbled, pointing to Gwen's goblet, which lay on its side on the floor, contents spilled across the stone. Gaius rushed to it at once and examined it, sniffed the remaining liquid.

"Pennyroyal essential oil..." he muttered, a horrified look on his face. He turned to me at once, his face a picture of unease and alarm. "Did you see who poured Guinevere's water?" he demanded. I shook my head.

"It was already poured...." I said. And it had been, when I entered the banquet hall Guinevere was already eating and both our goblets were filled to the brim.

"Go back to your chambers Paige, I'll come up and check on you in a little while," he said. I was only to ready to agree, I had to get out of that room, had to get away from the blood... had to go somewhere where I couldn't hear Gwen's screams...

--

I ran into Merlin as I rushed towards my chambers.

"What's going on?" he demanded. "I could hear all this screaming from my chambers..." I gave Merlin a sceptical look. Why wasn't he at dinner? Why was he in his chambers?

"Guinevere is losing her baby," I said coldly, watching his facial expressions change very carefully. He didn't look that surprised.

"Oh god!" he gasped, hand over his mouth. "Poor Gwen! What happened?"

"Someone spiked her drink... pennyroyal essential oil according to Gaius!" I retorted. "Someone wanted her to lose that child!" Merlin's eyes bulged in horror as he realised that I was accusing him of spiking Gwen's drink.

"Paige, it wasn't me!" he insisted desperately.

"You wanted this!" I cried. "You wanted her to lose the baby; that was your idea!" Merlin glanced around looking alarmed. And guilty I might add!

"Paige keep quite! Look I promise you that I had nothing to do with this!" he insisted, sounding panicked. I doubted him completely. It was all too coincidental for my liking.

"I don't believe you!" I snapped. "And when Arthur returns, I'm telling him everything!" And with that, I walked off, not letting Merlin have another say in it.

"Paige!" He cried out after me. "Paige please believe me!" I simply ignored him.

Arthur will be back by morning, but I want to wait up and talk to him before Merlin can. I can only hope that he will believe me over his lover... but he should, I'm his daughter!

Right..?

Paige.

--

Sorry there was not an update yesterday, I hope you all got the note. (For those that missed it, I went to a meeting and missed the last bus, so I was stranded at a mates!)

Also, thank you all so much for pushing me over 100 reviews. You guys rock so much!