Dear Diary

I feel sleep last night while waiting up for Arthur. Oh course, as is typical of my luck, Arthur arrived home right after I feel asleep, so when he came to check on me, I was pretty out of it and forgot all about talking to him about Merlin.

Arthur chuckled as he peeked round my chamber door.

"Silly girl, you tried to wait up for me didn't you..." he muttered to himself sounding pleased, assuming I was asleep. Despite still being able to hear him, I was pretty much asleep... at least my body was, I don't think I could have moved it even if my life depended on it! I heard him pull back the covers on my bed, and then suddenly he was at my side. "Paige..? Paige, wake up," he whispered, giving my shoulder a little shake.

"Hmmm..." I mumbled. Or something similar to that anyway. Arthur chuckled again.

"You have to go to bed Paige, you can't sleep here, it's not the most comfortable place to sleep in, you'll hurt your neck..." he whispered, giving my shoulder another nudge. I made another 'Hmmm...' sound, but otherwise remained still and silent. Arthur gave an amused sigh and picked me up, holding me close to his body as he carried me over to bed. I awoke enough to be able to hold onto him. It's not that I thought he would drop me, I thought that maybe he might... honest!

"Sleepy..." I muttered, burying my head into the crook of Arthur's neck. I felt so safe with him, so loved. I didn't want him to put me down. He was the only person I had left in my world that I could really trust.

"Yes, exactly, so you're going to bed," Arthur laughed. I didn't say anything else, I simply let him put me in bed and tuck the covers around me. It was such a fatherly thing to do, I know, but I let him do it nevertheless. Not just because I was too tired to move (I could have moved of my own free will), but because I was beginning to see him as more like a father, and less like Arthur. Part of me panicked slightly at the idea of betraying the man who raised me, but I knew he would have wanted me to build a relationship with Arthur. Leon was great like that... "Sleep well darling," he said as he kissed my forehead. "Love you," he continued as he slipped out of the door.

"You too..." I managed to mumble back, causing Arthur to laugh once again.

He must never ever find out just how cherished and loved that made me feel!

--

I awoke quite late in the day, and had absolutely no idea where to find Arthur. I knew I had to find him. He had to know about what had happened while he was away. Surely he would have questioned why Gwen was in Gaius's chambers in obvious agony? I decided to start my search there as, whether he loved Gwen or not, he would do right by her and stay with her while she recovered. Or so I thought anyway. He wasn't there, but someone else was.

"My Lady, please talk to me, give me some sign that you are okay," Came Sir Lancelot's voice from behind Gaius's door. Intrigued, I paused and listened. (I have a habit of doing that recently... I should really try and stop before someone catch's me!) Gwen gave no response, and I too started to wonder if she was ok. Gaius told me last night that she had lost the baby due to the pennyroyal essential oil, but that she in herself would be ok. I was starting to doubt that. "Guinevere, please, talk to me! I cannot bear to sit back and see you like this! So lost, so broken..." It sounded like Lancelot was crying, which was odd. He had no need to cry. He was not any relation to Gwen, nor was he the baby's father... Oh! Maybe he was! Maybe he was the one with whom Guinevere was having a 'long-term' affair with.

"Lancelot you do not understand how I am feeling... I had a baby, my very own child growing inside me, and now it's gone! There was a lifewithin me and it was taken away! How can I tell you that I'm ok when such a terrible thing has happened to me," Gwen cried. She sounded awful, so distraught and broken. I wanted to go in and comfort her, but I knew better than to do something so impulsive.

"I know some of what you are feeling Gwen, this was my child too! Please just as least assure me that you won't hurt yourself," So it was Lancelot I was very surprised, he is so incredibly loyal to Arthur, more loyal in fact than any other knight. Well, actually, I suppose he isn't anymore...

"I cannot assure you anything..." Gwen whispered. I shuddered slightly for fear that she might hurt herself. Especially if Arthur found out! I decided to go back to finding Arthur at this point, I don't think I could have listened to another word, it was so heartbreaking... I caught a look into the room as I walked down the corridor. All I saw was Guinevere lying on the bed, clutching her empty stomach, staring out into nothingness with an empty and lost look in her eyes .Her face simply screamed heartbreak and distress. Seeing her only increased my fear for her safety tenfold. She truly looked like she could do herself some serious harm; in fact, she looked like she might kill herself. I could not let that happen! I had to find Arthur and explain everything to him calmly and rationally and plead with him to leave Gwen and Lancelot be, lest he lose his kingdom.

--

Arthur wasn't in the castle so I decided to go and look for him at the training arena. Although it wasn't the time of day that he normally trained with his knights, he often went and did a bit of practise by himself, or with Merlin. Searching for him there meant passing through the market, where I encountered Gaius at the stall that sold all manner of potions and tonics.

"Can you tell me who has purchased pennyroyal essential oil from you recently?" he asked the stall holder. Said stall holder gave him a suspicious look.

"Yeah there was a man that brought it from me yesterday. He asked me if it was the right stuff for abortions and I said it was," That couldn't have been Merlin, could it? I mean he would have stolen it from Gaius's chambers to keep the blame from being pointed at him. I felt a bit of relief, but listened on anyway, desperate to know who had betrayed Guinevere so horribly.

"What did he say he needed it for?" Gaius asked, interrupting the stall holder's musings. The man jumped from his thoughts and scratched his head as he shrugged.

"He reckoned he got his mistress pregnant or something', didn't really ask, not my place see," Well that's not very helpful! Or maybe it is... maybe it means he doesn't know anything about Gwen, Lancelot and the lost baby... if he knew, all he had to do was mention it to one person and Arthur would be ruined!

"Do you know who it was?" Gaius pressed. The stall holder mused for a second, then started nodding as he remembered who had been the buyer of the pennyroyal essential oil.

"Yeah... it was that Knight... the one that was turned away when Arthur was just a boy cause he weren't a Nobel...err, what's 'is name...?" Lancelot!

"Lancelot?" Gaius asked.

"Yeah! Yeah, that were it, Lancelot," The stall holder confirmed, grinning slightly, looking pleased that he had remembered who had brought the pennyroyal essential oil. "'ere, what's all this about then? Has he gone and given his missus too much?" Gaius simply gave the stall holder a meek smile and passed him a bag brimming over with gold pieces'. The stunned stall holder took it in shock, pocketed it before Gaius could change his mind.

"This conversation never happened," Gaius said.

"Yeah, righto," The stall holder said with a nod. "Won't breathe a word of this to no one," So Lancelot had spiked Gwen's drink! When? How? And most importantly why? Sure he was having an affair with his king's wife, but surely there was another solution than risking Gwen's life so! I know he was only doing it to protect Gwen who he loved, and to protect Arthur, who he was so loyal to, but still...

"Paige my dear, are you alright? You seem lost," Gaius said, scaring me so much that I jumped.

"Lancelot killed Gwen's baby?" I asked, needing to hear it once again to confirm that it was true. Gaius's expression turned grave as he nodded at me and patted my shoulder.

"It would seem so my dear," he said sadly.

"He was the father, I heard him and Guinevere talking earlier," I said. I wondered briefly if I should have told Gaius what I'd heard, but I knew at almost at once that I could trust him. After all, he was the one who knew of Gwen's pregnancy...

"I thought as much... they have quite a history together... before she married Arthur that is," They were together before Gwen married Arthur? Then why did Guinevere marry him? If she loved another man, then what was the point of marring a king who's first and only love with his personal advisor?

"She was with Lancelot before she married Arthur?" I question, trying my best to not look too bewildered.

"Yes, but also no. They were undeniably attracted to one another, and they admitted a mutual attraction for one another, but Guinevere also had feelings for Arthur, and Lancelot refused to stand in the way of the prince's chances." Gaius said, sparking another wave of confusion in me. This didn't add up at all! If Lancelot was so loyal to Arthur that he gave up the woman he loved, then why now was he choosing to betray him? When he was married to Gwen, when he was King, when the risks were greater?

"Why hasn't that stopped him now?" I asked. Maybe Gaius could make some sense of this nonsense!

"You know as well as I Paige... there is no real marriage between Arthur and Gwen. There never has been. Guinevere accepts that, but the girl wants some romance in her life. You cannot ask her to stand aside, all alone, and watch as her husband has an affair with another man," Why didn't I think of that? Especially after the speech I gave Merlin the other day! Damn my idiocy and absent-mindedness... must get that from Arthur.

"Still, couldn't he have found another way out of the situation?" I asked. I mean if I, a 13 year old girl, could think of another solution to the problem, then surely Lancelot, a fully grown man, could think of an even better one?

"Paige he is having an affair with the Kings wife, who could he have confiding in?"

"You? He surely would have known that Guinevere would have come to you if she suspected she was pregnant, and would have known that Arthur told you about the prophecy," Everyone confides in Gaius... it's a wonder he can keep so many secrets in!

"Ah yes, but he also knows I hold a certain degree of trust with Arthur, he is not the sort of man to ask me to break that," Arthur does have an undeniably large trust in Gaius, after all he served his father and Arthur has known him since he was a young child.

"But..." I objected, desperate to find fault in what Lancelot had done. After all, he had risked Gwen's life! At least when Merlin planned the same thing he had a way to ensure Gwen's safety.

"Paige, Lancelot did what he thought was best, he did it to protect the woman he loves from the threat of execution, to protect his king from such a public humiliation, to protect the kingdom he serves, and to protect his honour. Yes he may have made the wrong decision, but his heart was in the right place." Damn, he had me there. He was right of course; Lancelot had only done what he thought best... I couldn't judge him for that, even if it had been the wrong thing for him to do.

"Is Gwen going to be ok?" I asked. I really hoped that she would be. I couldn't stand the idea of her dying for such a terribly unjust reason. Well, I couldn't stand the idea of her dying at all, but for such a reason would be even worse.

"She will recover physically in a week or so, and Arthur will be none the wiser, but as for her emotional wounds..." Gaius trailed off and gave no answer as to when Gwen would recover emotionally. But I knew that they would never heal. This would stay with Gwen forever.

"You don't think Arthur should be told of this, do you?" I asked, reading between the lines of what Gaius had just said.

"No," he said simply, shaking his head.

"But surely he must question why an anguished Guinevere is in your chambers, bleeding and in agony," I know Arthur can be a bit of a Prat at times, but he's not blind and he most certainly isn't stupid!

"He thinks that Guinevere is having a particularly bad 'time of the month'," Gaius said as if that would explain everything. Surly Arthur must have noticed that Gwen so suddenly had to be taken to Gaius's chamber s for her 'time of the month' pains?

"Does he really believe that?" I questioned, an eyebrow raised.

"He is suspicious, I give you that, but Guinevere usually does have bad pains during her 'time of the month', and he has absolute trust in me," Damn that trust! There was no way I could betray Gaius in such a way!

"So I really shouldn't tell Arthur," I asked dismally.

"No dear, you really shouldn't. I know you think you're betraying the trust he has in you, but some secrets need to be kept. That is why we call them secrets," I suppose he's right... after all, what's a secret if everyone knows? I decided that I was going to keep what I know to myself. For one, as much as I hate lying to Arthur there is no real reason for him to know, after all the situation isn't really out of hand. For another, I know Arthur relies heavily on Gaius, and to destroy Arthur's trust in him would cost him dearly.

--

I bumped into Merlin as I headed to my days training with Arthur, and apologised to him for accusing him of spiking Gwen's drink the night before.

"I'm sorry I accused you of spiking Gwen's drink Merlin... I know now that it wasn't you," I said, ducking my head in shame. I was ashamed! Ashamed of accusing a man I trust so much of such terrible things.

"That's ok Paige, I understand, you were just looking out for your father... I mean Arthur; you were looking out for Arthur," Merlin corrected himself as quickly as possible, but I saw no reason for it. After all, Arthur is my father!

"No, you were right the first time Merlin... I was looking out for my father," I said, acknowledging aloud that I think of Arthur as my father for the first time. Merlin beamed at me.

"Arthur will be so pleased to hear you call him that,"

"I don't think I'm ready to say it to his face, even if I am ready to think of him in that way," I admitted. I had only just gotten my head round him being my father, I was so not ready to tell him that I thought of him in that way!

"I won't tell him, I promise," Merlin assured me. "Now tell me, how do you know that it wasn't me that spiked Gwen's drink,"

"It was Lancelot..." I said, before giving him a full account of what had happened that morning. You think I'm going to write that all out for a second time! Dear Diary, you already know what happened! I don't need to repeat it!

"Wow... I know Lancelot and Gwen used to have something between them, so I'm not surprised that he is the one with whom Guinevere is having her affair with, especially as he knows only too well the extent of my relationship with Arthur, but I am shocked to learn that he betrayed Gwen in such a way. He's always been pretty devoted to her. It's very out of character for Lancelot," I left Merlin to muse on the situation at hand, as I was running late for training. Arthur hates it when I'm late!

--

"You're late," Arthur said, sounding rather irritated as I jogged into the training arena.

"Sorry, I went to see if Guinevere was ok," I lied. Luckily Arthur believed me.

"Don't let it happen again," he said sternly. I nodded and promised him I'd try and be early from now on.

Things just went downhill from there. He showed me again how to put my Armour on, and I got all his questions right. He seemed quite pleased with me and told me he was proud of me. That's when the wave of guilt hit. As much as I knew that I could not tell Arthur what I knew, I hated not being able to tell him. He had absolute trust in me, and I knew that if he found out about my lies, that trust would be gone, he would no longer be so proud of me, and I would lose a father all over again!

"Pay attention Paige! If you zone out like that in battle you'll lose your head in a matter of seconds!" Arthur yelled as he told me for the third time to block my head with my shield.

"Sorry!" I said, bringing my shield up a second too late for Arthurs attack. He was moving his blunt sword at a slow speed, but it still caught me. It didn't leave a mark, but it hurt! "Ow!" I said, more as a natural reaction than because I was injured.

"Ow? Paige if you'd paid attention in the first place, then I wouldn't have hit you!" Arthur shouted, making me feel so belittled and distressed. If Arthur found out about my disloyalty, he would treat me far worse than this, and this was pretty bad! "Paige! Pay attention!" Arthur screamed, his anger reaching boiling point.

"Sorry, I just have other things on my mind..." I admitted, regretting my words at once. What if Arthur demanded to know what those other things were? Arthur groaned in anger, threw his sword to the ground.

"So why are we bothering?" he asked. "Why am I wasting my time? If you don't want my bloody help with your training then why didn't you just say so?" What had gotten into him? Of course I wanted his help, he knew that!

"Arthur..." I said, pleading with him. He however, wouldn't let me get another word out.

"No! Just go to your chambers Paige," he cried, pointing in the direction of the castle.

"But..." I whispered, desperate to assure Arthur that I wanted his help.

"That's an order." Arthur raged. I didn't move. "Now get the hell out of my sight! Go! Now!" he screamed as he pushed me towards the castle. I stumbled slightly, fell to the floor, but Arthur didn't even acknowledge me. He simply went round the arena gathering up all his weapons. I got to my feet and rushed to my chambers straight away, tears pouring from my eyes the whole way...

Paige....