Love Denied Chapter 23: Letters Sent, an as the world turns fanfic

What I won't do for you guys. I should be sleeping right now, but you ask and I shall deliver!

Enjoy!

Chapter Twenty-Three

Letters Sent

Noah decided a shower was in order. He still smelled like a hospital. He went to grab a shirt out of his bag but he changed his mind. He went back into Luke's room and found one of his favorite "Luke" shirts. After showering, he went and grabbed his bag off the kitchen floor. Noah put it on the kitchen island and bumped Luke's laptop. It came out of sleep mode and a text document was open. He glanced at it and saw "Dear Noah". Against his own better judgment he sat down and started reading.

They were letters. Little short letters that he had written to Noah.

Noah scrolled to the top and started to read.

February 14th, 2010

Dear Noah,

It's Valentine's Day. As much as you hate to admit it, I think this is your favorite holiday. Sure it doesn't come with the tradition as Thanksgiving or the grandeur as Christmas, but for one day you allow yourself to open up and let your closet romantic out to play! Remember our first Valentine's Day. You gave me that card in Olde Towne and we imagined what our lives would be like without each other. Well, here it is Valentine's Day and I am without you right now. And I have to tell you…it sucks.

Noah had to admit, Valentine's was his favorite holiday, at least since he met Luke. It gave him an excuse to be nauseatingly romantic. But he always wanted to do all those things. He wanted to give Luke flowers and kiss him until he couldn't breathe. He wanted to hold his hand until their fingers were numb. And Valentine's Day gave him a reason to do it and he knew that Luke would just eat it up.

I miss you! I miss every single thing about you. Your smile, your laugh, your smell. I miss waking up with you and sharing breakfast. I even miss our tiny little apartment with the broken step and the dripping faucet in the kitchen.

I just finished talking to you. Hearing your voice was the best present I have ever gotten. Hearing you laugh and you sounded relaxed and happy. You sound like you are getting better. I'm so glad that you are; even if I didn't cause it.

Noah did love the gift. He was so excited when he finally got to see it. Luke knew him so well and knew how much he would love it. He just wished Luke had been there when he opened it. He wish he could have heard Luke's voice when he opened it.

As for your gift, I wanted you to have something that would have meaning to just you, but was unique as you are. When I saw that poster on eBay, I almost died of shock. As the bidding got heated and the time wore down, I could almost picture your face as you opened it. Seeing your beautiful baby blues light up as you realized what it was. I'm just sorry that I missed it.

I love you Noah. I love you and I want nothing more than to be with you.

Love, Luke.

Noah knew that he should stop, but these letters were addressed to him. But that was a terrible excuse. He just wanted to know what Luke was thinking all those weeks he was gone. They both didn't make much of an effort to speak to each other and he just needed to know. So he kept reading and he came to the letter he didn't want to read.

February 28th, 2010

Dear Noah,

I made a friend today. Scott is my neighbor down the hall. He's also the super. He showed me around the building when I was still apartment hunting. He's an architecture major at Lake Forest. He came over with Chinese food and you know I can't say no to Chinese. It was nice to meet someone I can talk to here.

I should tell you about my place. This place a bit nicer than ours is in Oakdale. It's in this real nice neighborhood called Humboldt Park. You can see the park from my living room balcony. When the leaves come out this spring the view is going to be amazing. Am I going to be here that long? I don't know. I haven't thought about it at all.

Remember when we finally got our place. You stubbed your toe real hard on the front step. I think your big feet broke it even though you swear it was broke when you got there. I remember walking in and getting that smell. UGH! We never did find that origin of that smell did we? I'm laughing now just thinking about how we searched and searched for that phantom odor. It really isn't a good apartment is it? It was always freezing at 2 in the morning. The floor in the bedroom was incredibly slanted. The bed didn't even sit flat. The faucet in the kitchen dripped constantly, even after you fixed it. But, despite all of its flaws, it was ours. Yours and mine. And that reason, my dear, is why I love it.

It broke Noah's heart to head Luke fondly remember their apartment. It became theirs. No matter what was happening around them or with their families, as soon as the door was shut and locked, it was just them. Their smelly, leaking, apartment. But it was the first thing that they shared. It was home.

I love you.

Yours always,

Luke.

If Noah thought that letter was tough, he had no idea.

March 5th, 2010

Dear Noah,

I have done something. I was at Scott's and I made him dinner. I made Gramma Emma's red sauce and linguini. Then we were going to watch a Die Hard marathon. Everything was going to great. We joked and laughed and it was nice to have a friend so far from everything. We ate and then were sitting down to watch the movie.

We finished the first two and things were still going well. We were half-way through the third one, when Scott kissed me.

And I kissed him back.

Pretty soon we were laying the couch making out. It felt good to be wanted by someone. Someone who didn't know everything about me. Who only knew me for me and nothing else. There was none of that baggage. Just two guys who are attracted to each other. Simple. I hate to admit it, but I really enjoyed it. Scott was enjoying it too from what I could tell.

Noah slammed the lid to the laptop closed. He couldn't read anymore. He knew when he started to read these letters that he may not like what he was going to read, but this was something that he didn't want to know about. He knew when Luke left that he may find someone else, but to actually read it. It was as if he heard tell him himself. Noah got up from the bar stool and walked over to the fridge. He pulled open the door and was surprised by the major lack of anything edible inside. When they lived together he was constantly filling the fridge and cabinets with junk food. He obviously was not taking care of himself and Noah suddenly felt guilty for being mad. He leaned against the counter and looked at the laptop. It seemed to be taunting him to open it.

Noah suddenly had a flash.

He had no right to be angry for anything Luke did after he left Oakdale. He was the one who left Luke. He left Luke a long time ago and he didn't and couldn't blame Luke for moving on. Noah walked back to his stool and opened the laptop. He started this, he needed to finish it. He scanned the page and found where he left off. He took a long breath and reread the paragraph again.

Then I have never felt so awful in my life.

I got up right away and almost ran to my apartment. I needed to get out of there. When I got back to my apartment, I showered until my skin was pink. I was afraid that if I stayed I would end up sleeping with him. And I did not want that. I only want you and as long as we are in limbo, I will wait for you.

Love Always,

Luke.

Noah felt all the air rush out of his body. Luke and Scott hadn't done anything. He said he would wait for him. Noah felt all the tension that he had in his stomach begin to drain away, like letting the air out of a balloon.

A knock at the door brought him back to reality.

Noah opened the door and saw Scott standing in the hall.

"I was wondering who was in here. Can I come in?"

"Ah, yeah. Sure," Noah stepped aside and Scott walked inside.

"How is Luke?"

"Ah, he's…not good. He had a relapse and they're running tests right now. Luke's mom sent me here to get some of his things,"

"I'm glad that you're here. I wanted to talk to you and the hospital wasn't exactly the best place to do it,"

"What did you want to talk to me about?" Noah asked and then crossed his arms over his chest.

"What are you planning to do with Luke?" Scott asked as he took an equally defensive position.

"I don't think I know what you're talking about?"

"I mean, are you really going to be there for him?" Noah was about to defend himself, but Scott cut him off. "I may not know everything about your guys' relationship, but I know enough. I know you need to step up. He's not a yo-yo. You can't push him away over and over again and then expect him to come running back. Now Luke's my friend and I care about him. And you better be careful, because he may not come back the next time," Scott said what he wanted to. He had imagined and worked out what he wanted to say to this Noah guy. But he had planned for a fist fight or two.

Noah just nodded and took what Scott said to heart.

Scott was surprised that Noah didn't get in his face or shove him or hit him. He had planned for all of those scenarios, but not this. Noah's cell rang and cut through the silence. He dug out the phone and answered it.

"Hello? Ok, I'll be right there," Scott heard Noah's half of the conversation and saw him tuck the phone back into his front pocket. "Luke's back in his room. Did you want to come back to hospital with me?"

"Ah, no. I have a lecture that I have to be at in 20 minutes. Can you call me when you find out anything?" Scott asked. Noah programmed Scott's number into his phone and watched him leave. Noah rounded up a few more of Luke' s things plus his laptop and iPod and went down to hail a cab.

As he rode to the hospital he prepared himself for every possibility. All but the one that he would not let into his head or his heart. He would not even think about the possibility that Luke wouldn't get better. There was no way that he would even think about it.

He just couldn't.

Well, told ya it would have been a huge chapter.

Let me know what you think.

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