Oh gawd I've been so busy. I can't remember when I last updated.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Hanabi glared daggers at the back of the boy's head.
Hamaguchi Yukio, the suitor from the small but wealthy merchant family in the Land of Iron, was completely unaware of the many hateful stares from Hyuuga Hinata's clansmen, and continued to chatter on and on with the unfortunate heiress about his "family's business" and "the great amount of wealth and luxury his prestigious family holds" and about "all of his many accomplishments," none of them shinobi related.
The poor girl held up a dainty smile, a proper posture, and polite eye contact with her guest, but the heiress could feel nothing but absolute boredom as she nodded and pretended to be listening.
The only people within the large dining room that seemed to be happy with this event were the extremely old elders, a few of the council members, and the merchant boy himself. The clan head was entirely stiff and did not speak one word, choosing instead to frown at every single tiny screech of a sliding chair or the scratch of the fine silver over priceless china (they had to use forks, of all things, for the benefit of the civilian brat!). The Hyuuga prodigy sitting beside the head grumbled throughout the entire meal and snapped at anything and anybody in his range.
Other clan members around the long table either glared openly at the suitor or ignored him, though a few closer to the heiress took every opportunity they could to butt into the one-sided conversation and ask the boy difficult questions, which always led to an answer that had Hyuuga Neji grumbling some more about the "arrogant, ignorant, worthless piece of trash" ten feet away from him.
So where did Hanabi fit into all of this? Why, she was the soon-to-be savior that would rid the clan of the fire-breathing dragon that was attempting to take away their precious princess to some far, far away tower to be locked up (or at least that is how the young girl believes it to be).
Really, the clan head's youngest daughter was cooking up some terrible scheme that would rescue her older sister from the terrible fate of becoming a civilian trophy wife. Hopefully something that ended in the Hamaguchi boy's head on a stake in some uninhabitable pile of boulders in the middle of the ocean. Or perhaps in the belly of a demon, as her priestess cousin suggested.
But what? Hanabi pondered. As much as she, and others, would like to see the boy's body six feet under, the Hyuuga clan could not afford to get Konoha into a war with the foreign country, or lose business with the Hamaguchi family.
It has to be something that's not deadly, and will not get the scumbag crying to his daddy for revenge, but would keep him from wanting to be near neechan for the rest of his life.
But Hanabi could not think of anything that wouldn't involve bodily injury and a clear message for the boy to stay away.
Nothing!
Argh! There has to be something! Hanabi started to hit herself on the head repeatedly, in an attempt to get her child brain working in high gear. She was starting to get a lot of stares.
"Stop that, Hanabi, you're acting like a complete barbarian in front of...our guest." Hiashi whispered to her left.
She muttered back "gomen, otousan," and behaved for the rest of dinner.
A short while later, she was lying in her stomach with her face smothered with her blue pillow. Her cousins Hisano lounged on her mountain of floor pillows and Hanabi's best friend from the Academy was on speaker. Her cute fat chestnut squirrel was currently on the lap of her cousin, being petted like he was a pampered terrier.
"I know!"
Hanabi tilted her head to her cousin.
"We'll tell him nee-sama has gonorrhea."
Hanabi groaned some more from under the pillow.
"Uhh, I think the point is to get rid of this guy, not prevent Hina-chan from having anymore suitors...and never marrying." said the voice from the phone.
"Oh yeah, my bad."
"Feed him poison from Cloud and have them framed." Came another voice from the hallway.
"Stop eavesdropping you baka!" Hisano threw a pillow at her brother, who immediately left laughing.
"Mind your business and leave the boy alone." A passing elder suggested.
"Hag." Mumbled the three little girls.
She found the scum looking at his reflection from the koi pond.
"Oi, Hamaguchi-san."
The boy addressed let out a silent sigh before turning to the second daughter.
He gave a fake smile and bowed with a minimum amount of respect.
"Yes, Hanabi-sama?"
"You got a bug on your back."
Instead of jumping five feet in the air screeching like a harpy and falling into the cold water, as Hanabi expected, the merchant boy merely shrugged.
The girly conscience in Hanabi could not help but scream Ewwwwww! because anyone not afraid of big bad bugs is disgusting and probably eat them on a daily basis.
"I do not mean to sound impolite, Hanabi-sama," sure you don't, you fuc*** "But is that all you came to tell me?"
"Actually, I was hoping you could join me for some tea."
Hanabi spoke with a hint of disdain and sarcasm, but the boy took this invitation as her way of warming up to him.
Oh, yeah, she definitely can't wait to have me as her family. Who wouldn't? The merchant boy smirked.
How vain.
"It would be an honor to have tea with my future sister-in-law." Yukio said and bowed with the haughty confidence of a spoiled brat.
Hanabi shuddered in her mind at the word sister-in-law.
She smiled innocently at the boy whose neck she so badly wanted to wring.
She served him with the grace and formality of a noblewoman and a kunoichi, but almost choked to death in the process.
Definitely not something she wanted to get used to.
The scum thanked the young girl as she filled his cup.
He sipped his cup greedily as he tried to make light talk with what he believed would someday be the Maid of Honor at his wedding. Hanabi immediately remembered last night's dinner and felt sorry for her neechan.
Kami, this boy is boring!
Hanabi was about ready to vomit up the contents of her stomach and slit her throat, but she knew she must wait for the plan to work.
Hurry up, Kuri-kun!
As if her mind had been read (and it probably has) the strange noise of tiny feet and a couple of squeaks came from the hallway behind Yukio, just loud enough for the boy to hear. He turned around for a split second, and in that second Hanabi had revealed the tiny bottle of extremely hot hot sauce from her kimono sleeve and quietly poured the contents into the boy's cup with the effortless skill of a talented ninja-in-training.
The doomed teen turned back to his conversation partner and gave another obviously fake smile.
"It seems your clan might have a slight rodent problem."
Hanabi restrained herself from killing the boy right there.
She almost jumped for joy when he raised the cup back to his lips.
And then shattered on the inside when someone interrupted.
"Excuse me, Hamaguchi-sama, but I would like to have a word with you."
It was one of the council members who wanted to unite their clan and the merchant's through the ridiculous marriage.
Yukio lowered his cup to the low table.
"Gomen, Hanabi-sama, but I must leave now. Perhaps we may finish this another time?"
"Sure." Not even if you threaten to drop me into a volcano.
After some seconds of polite goodbyes, Yukio went ahead of the council member, who stalled a little to warn the girl.
"Do not do anything like that again, young lady." And then he left to follow the merchant boy to the council room.
Hanabi had a fit and threw the teapot to the wooden floor.
The scumbag strolled along the village's marketplace. It was clear from his facial features that he thought lowly of everyone walking by. He held his nose up in the air and ignored the poor old lady who was having trouble with her basket.
That is, until Hinata noticed her and left his side.
"E-excuse me, ma'am, but w-would you like some h-help...Oh! Ii-san, good morning!"
Hinata bowed respectfully to the bakery owner.
"Oh, Hinata-chan. Good morning. Yes, if it is not too much trouble, dear, I would like some help with my bags."
"Of course, Ii-san, I'll help you."
Wanting to score some good points with his potential bride, Yukio stopped ignoring the old lady and went up to offer his service.
"Allow me, Hinata-sama, I can carry it easily." And without waiting to know if either accepted his offer, he snatched the bags from the old lady's hands and went off to the opposite direction.
Hanabi glared from the barrel she hid behind.
"Ano, Yukio-san, h-her home is th-this way..."
Yukio stopped in his tracks and turned the other way hastily.
"Of course, Hinata-sama. Whatever you say!"
Then he started to comment about how adorable it is that "his little woman was so very sweet and knowledged." With his tone, you would think he was praising a dog for fetching a stick.
Hinata and the woman chosed to ignore his statement in favor of chatting, but Hanabi saw red.
The elderly woman, having decided that she did not like the boy one bit, glanced knowingly at the barrel and made a motion for Hanabi to follow, which she did.
When they made it to her home, which was perched atop the bakery she owned, the elderly woman offered to make her number one customer some cinnamon rolls, the heiress's favorite. Yukio felt that it was a waste of time, but said nothing, and impatiently slouched in the woman's living room as she caught up on gossip with the young girl over the hot oven.
The woman glanced out of her window.
"Oh, excuse me, dear, I must get something very quickly." And then she quickly went downstairs to the bakery.
The door's bell ringed as Hanabi walked in.
"So what do you suggest, Rukia-baachan?"
Having once been a kunoichi herself, the elderly woman was very observant of her neighbors and the other shopkeepers. She grinned quite evily.
"Fumu-san should be dumping the garbage out his window in about two minutes and forty-six seconds."
Hanabi matched the old woman's vicious smirk.
"Fish head stew, last night?"
"You bet, sweets."
"Good," Hanabi chuckled. "Very good."
"Young lad, could you be a dear and go next door. I have a little message for my neighbor Fumu and it is quite urgent."
Yukio did not really want to do any little errand for the old lady, but he wanted to show his potential bride how much of a gentleman he is.
"Of course, Ii-san. I would be honored to help such a lovely lady such as yourself."
She gave him the fake message and saw the boy off. And rolled her eyes behind his back. honored, huh?
As she expected, he sprinted off quickly to get the job done and over with. She just hoped the little lass was ready.
And indeed she did. Hanabi was more than ready to pull the rope and have Yukio trip at the doorstep, right when the neighbor would be dumping his garbage out.
Unfortunately, Yukio had accidently went to the other neighbor's store.
The elderly woman cursed herself for forgetting that little detail.
Punch "I don't know what to do Konohamaru." Kick.
"Have you tried sticking thumbtacks into his seats?"
Konohamaru earned another quick punch.
"That's no good, Konohamaru," Punch "I think I'm going about this all wrong. Nothing seems to be working. I even tried to get him framed for selling in the black market, have his balls caught on fire," Kick "I tried a fake note telling him his family was taken hostage, I tried getting pictures of him sleeping with a teddy bear..."
She stopped beating up her personal punching bag, Konohamaru (who was, literally, her punching bag, as he was tied up inside a bag with his head sticking out, the cord swinging from the ceiling).
"No matter what I do, something always goes wrong. I'm starting to think..."
She came up close to her punching bag's face and help a flashlight in front of her.
"...He is a magical invincible monster that can read thoughts."
"...Have you listened to yourself lately?"
"You're right, that's silly of me. I mean, he's only a pathetic, worthless, lame old civilian. And I, a strong and skilled ninja, could easily squash him like an ant!"
"pshh, yeah, civilians are sooo lame. They trip all the time and think they're better than us ninja,"
"Yeah, I know, right?"
"And the rich ones always have stick up their asses and think ninja are barbaric servants,"
"I know! It's like they want everyone in the world to be as boring and weak as they are!"
"And the rich guys are the worse of all, because when they see a kunoichi that's tougher and stronger than them, they feel all intimidated and less of a man and try to act all macho to prove they're stronger..."
"Wait, what did you say?"
"GAAAH! I'M SORRY HANABI! I DIDN'T MEAN TO SAY THAT! DON'T BEAT ME UP ANYMORE, PLEASE!!!"
"NOT THAT, idiot. That other thing!"
"They think we're barbaric?"
"After that!"
"They feel intimidated by tough kunoichis?"
Konohamaru prepared to be hit some more.
"KONOHAMARU YOU'RE BRILLIANT!"
Eh?
"I......am?"
"Yes, yes! Don't you see? You just gave me the answer to all our problems!"
The young girl happily jumped and danced and skipped merrily home, leaving her arch nemesis still stuck in a bag in the Academy's gym.
And it was a Friday.
"Hey, wait! Come back! HAAAAANAAAABIIIII!"
Hanabi made a quick U-turn.
So six masked ninja dressed in all black surrounded the Hamagachi boy and the heiress. The teen was scared shitless and crapped his pants. So much so that he almost hid behind Hinata, rather than the other way around.
But that would hurt his male pride.
"Please don't hurt us! Take all my money away, okay?"
"We just want you to come with us, boy."
"please, no! I beg of you! Don't worry, Hinata-sama, I'll protect you! Just stay behind me, okay?"
But instead of listening to the merchant boy, Hinata stepped up from behind him and went into her stance. When the six ninjas attacked, she laid the smack down in a ten minute battle that involved twirling mini tornadoes, flying kunai, a couple of genjutsus and a whole lotta Gentle Fisting. The enemy laid in a crumpled heap before picking themselves up and running off.
The pathetic civilian suitor was still cowering between a dumpster and a brick corner.
The clan head couldn't help but smirk.
"It's a shame it hadn't worked out."
"Agreed." Replied his two daughters. They too had smiles on their faces.
They watched the carrier as it left the gates of Kohona.
Naruto, Konohamaru, Neji, Kiba and Shino watched from the sidelines as the carrier hit a pebble, making the occupant shriek in terror.
"Haha, Hanabi's plan sure did work!"
"Yeah, boss, but Hinata-san hits pretty hard..." Konohamaru clutched his stomach.
"Stop whining brat, at least she didn't close almost all you're chakra points."
"You shut it, mutt boy!"
"Ha! Mutt boy. Like I haven't heard that one before."
Sigh "I guess I owe Hanabi-sama for this."
"Aww, don't worry Neji. At least the guy is gone for good, huh? I heard he was a real bastard, 'ttebayo!"
That night, Hanabi was secretly given much praise and love and gifts from grateful clansmen. She relished in all the attention and the new accessories given to her.
But wait...
Chchchcht! What the hell! I hardly got any action at all! We're supposed to be a team, remember? I only got to help in one plot!
"Aw, can it, furball. I let you chew out the wheels, right? Bet he's stuck halfway, hopefully near some dingy inn."
Chchchcht. Not even an inn, my lady. I also took the time to steal all his cash.
The evil superintelligent ninja squirrel revealed from beneath his bed a large stack of greens.
"............Kuri-kun, did you know you're the best partner-in-crime a girl could ask for?"
Squeak. Aww, you flatter me.
"Time to go shopping! I know a bright red toy convertible with your name on it."
Squeak. And gold plated shades?
"And gold platted shades. And some bling to go around your neck."
And so this one is done, and hopefully the next chapter can come sooner.