Chapter 7

In time, Rodney's physical injuries got better until he hardly had to take any drugs to relieve the pain, and his complex, yet brilliant mind adjusted to the trauma he had been through. Until one day, the question of him going offworld arose.

John approached him in the evening, where Rodney sat alone in the main lab, merrily clacking away on a laptop. He was facing towards the door and avidly staring at the screen. He tried to ignore Sheppard, but his shoulders tensed and he stopped typing, even while still staring at the screen.

John was pleased to see that Rodney was back to wearing a short sleeved shirt, he no longer seemed overly bothered that his scars were on show and neither did he move to cover himself. He started typing again with a small sigh, and at length, he twitched in irritation and looked up at John as he said, "Somehow I don't think I'm that interesting. I'm really busy, what can I do for you?"

John smiled and moved closer. He sidled up to the desk and feigned interest in the gobbledegook on the screen of Rodney's computer. "Hmm. That's interesting."

Rodney waved at the screen and his face lit up in excitement. "You can read it?"

John's smirk broadened and Rodney glanced at him. The scientist's face fell and he looked more annoyed than ever. "No, you can't read it."

"I like the creative layout of the lettering."

Rodney huffed and folded his arms around himself without flinching. "Somehow I don't think you came here to discuss the finer points of comparative Ancient syntax. What do you want?"

"There's a mission in a couple of days. I want you back on my team."

Rodney baulked and his eyes darted around in panic. He really didn't want to leave the relative safety of Atlantis after what happened last time he went beyond the six piers surrounding him. After a few minutes of deep breathing and careful thought manipulations, he composed himself with a sigh and said, "I'm not ready. You know that!"

"I wouldn't have asked if I didn't think you were."

Rodney protested loudly, "Well, I'm not!"

"Nor would I ask if you hadn't already been medically signed off as fit for offworld missions by both… quacks, as you so lovingly call them. Does that mean you think they're ducks?"

Rodney kept shaking his head and staring blankly at the swirling code on the screen in front of him.

John allowed him to keep his silence and rested a hand on Rodney's upper back briefly. "Think about it, okay? The briefing's tomorrow and 11am."

At 9am the next day, Rodney stole a Puddle Jumper. The gate room staff were at a loss to stop him, or even find out where he was going, as the Jumper took over their controls and flew through the activate wormhole. No-one could raise him on the radio either.

They only knew it was him from one of the few security feeds on Atlantis, which was placed at the entrance to the Jumper Bay.

John has an idea where he went though, and was in the control room a couple of minutes later, with Colonel Carter and Zelenka.

John went over to Radek, where he sat tapping on the computer next to Chuck. "Access the log for McKay's last mission."

Radek nodded grimly as he typed rapidly on the computer. His hands suddenly froze and he swore in Czech.

John frowned. "That's exactly what I thought."

Radek elaborated more eloquently, "Rodney has accessed this log multiple times. It is the mission report of his rescue from the planet where Michael… where he…"

John frowned, "It's okay."

Radek nodded and gulped before looking at the computer again. "He looked at it once today, just before he left. Indications are that it was downloaded to a portable device."

John had no idea why Rodney would even consider going back to the planet where Michael had held him captive under the agonising pain of torture. He just hoped that Rodney wasn't going to do something really stupid, especially when he seemed almost back to his normal self.

John asked, "The gate address…?"

"Is within the log."

Carter nodded at John, "Take whoever you need. Get him back."

John tapped his radio, "Lorne, Teyla, Ronon. Gear up and meet me in the Jumper bay immediately."

McKay's Puddle Jumper was easy enough to find, back on that desolate wasteland of endless brown and swirling grey clouds. He hadn't even bothered to cloak it where he had landed it next to the entrance.

The mission report had some scans of the planet, including a map of the whole complex that the rescue Jumper had very helpfully created, along with the exact co-ordinates of the room where Rodney had been found.

Even a small child with only a basic grasp in reading would've been able to find it. So Rodney had probably been there for quite some time already.

John felt strange having Lorne sitting next to him instead of a scientist. But lately, even with the different scientists they used, it still always felt wrong. The co-pilot's chair was Rodney's chair. Having anyone else there made it feel like the team was missing something. Sure, it was a certain something that yammered on and on and on about everything and nothing. But Rodney also held a sharp wit, so fast that sometimes even Sheppard floundered to respond in kind. It was like the team was missing an irreplaceable part of its head and mouth and heart, and Sheppard felt uneasy on every mission they'd been on since Rodney had been incapacitated.

He glanced sideways at Lorne and the Major nodded back to him.

Teyla and Ronon sat behind and were equally ready.

John examined the HUD. "One life sign. He's not moving and he's already right where I thought he would be."

Once John had landed the Jumper next to its fellow, they exited the craft and entered the facility. Lorne stayed behind to cloak and guard the ships.

As they made their way through the facility, dull light pierced the gloom from the many cracks in the walls and ceiling. John shivered in the chilled air, but pushed onwards with the three flashlights lighting the way.

They got near to the room and John held up his fist. The others halted and he listened for a few seconds.

Silence.

Whatever Rodney was doing wasn't making any noise at all.

He whispered to the others. "Wait here. I'll need you in a minute."

John therefore went in alone. He hadn't really had time to think about what he was expecting to find. But as he rounded the corner, several images crossed his mind: that he would find Rodney gone insane and smashing the place up; or that Rodney would hurt himself… perhaps had already hurt himself; or maybe he would find Rodney scrunched up into a tight ball of misery, holding onto himself and sobbing in the corner.

Therefore what John did find was unexpected.

Rodney was standing calmly in the middle of the room, looking down at the metal table still stained dark brown with long-dried blood. John waited in the doorway for Rodney to notice him, and watched as he slowly walked over to one of the damp walls and ran his hand along it briefly. John felt uncomfortable at this sedate and calm version of Rodney. It was eerie that in this place he could be this way.

Rodney turned around and his eyes flickered up and met John's. He stopped like an animal caught in the headlights.

John glanced around the room and only just stopped his grimace. "Hey, Rodney. What are you doing back here?"

Rodney looked away, turned and then rested his back on the wall so that he was facing towards the torture table, which still had the metal straps hooked through it, soaked in his own blood.

John stepped further into the room and said, "If I knew you wanted to go offworld this badly, I would've sent you out already."

He tried to speak lightly, but merely earned himself a glare from Rodney, just before the scientist allowed his body to relax and he slid down the wall until he was sitting on the cold concrete floor with his legs stretched out.

Rodney glanced at the dark brown smears on the table and surrounding floor and asked, "Is this where…?"

John kept his distance. Close enough to jump in if Rodney did something crazy, far enough away so that Rodney could deal on his own if he wanted to.

Rodney spoke again. "She said I needed to confront what I fear the most."

"Heightmeyer?"

"That to do so would help me on the way to recovering what I've lost."

John went over and sat down on the floor next to Rodney, shivering as the icy chill instantly seeped through his clothes from the floor and wall. He bumped shoulders with his friend and said, "You haven't lost anything, Rodney."

But the man only huffed sadly and looked down at his hands in his lap. "Only a kidney, my spleen, my skin and a hell of a lot of blood which is still liberally scattered around this room."

John remained silent with no argument he could provide against that. Instead he waited for a few more minutes and then asked very quietly, "And what do you fear the most?"

Rodney closed his eyes and spoke so softly that John could barely hear him, "Being left alone. Abandoned. Going back to how I used to be; aggressive and defensive."

John knew that he had been pushing it with that question, and hadn't really been expecting an answer. Rodney may well have been veiling more secret fears, but what he revealed was more than enough, and for John to ask any more of him would be to pry and forget his place as a friend.

He consoled Rodney's verbalised fears in saying; "You weren't abandoned and I like aggressive and defensive! We never stopped looking. If we had, you would still bound to that table over there, or worse."

"True. But it was a very long time. Felt like forever and there was nothing… nothing I could do until you came, but lie there and hope that I was going to die soon."

"You didn't die."

"Obviously. But a part of me still wishes I had, so that I wouldn't have had to have gone through all this crap… put you all through this crap for the past few months."

"It's no problem, Rodney. I've had worse from higher ranks in the past. Drill Sergeants and the like, and for way longer than months too."

Rodney's voice lowered as he said, "I'm sorry for what's happened and how angry I've been. I was here for too long on my own."

"Well, we came for you again today didn't we? Just like we did before. Even though you've been a bit off your game lately, you're still a genius, right?"

"I know. It's just… Michael and his new hybrids are long gone and I don't have anyone else to take it out on."

"I thought as much, which is why I don't care how much you shout at me, how scathing your comments have been, I'm not going anywhere."

Rodney blinked and glanced across at him. "Thanks." He suddenly smiled, the expression like a dazzling sun shining out and piercing the darkness, sending the evil that had happened in that room of horror back to where it belonged. The mirth transferred to his voice as he said, "And I'm sorry for being such an ass. It's been difficult."

John nudged his shoulder again and Rodney bumped right back this time.

John grinned and asked, "You think you'll be better now? Come back with me? Stop reducing everyone in the science department to tears and wishes of murder?"

"Hmm, no promises about the last one."

"You do realise that Michael is already dead, right? The moment that sneaky, evil son of a bitch gets to within a light year of me, his number's up."

"Yes, I just wish he wasn't still out there somewhere, no doubt torturing and converting people who have no chance of being rescued."

"We'll find him eventually. The galaxy may be big, but he won't stay hidden for long."

John called Ronon and Teyla and they stood in the doorway cautiously, just as John himself had done a few minutes ago. They both looked relieved to see that Rodney hadn't broken down.

Teyla gave John a small smile and then looked down at Rodney where they both still sat side by side on the floor. She said sincerely, "I am glad we were able to find you so quickly. You would be greatly missed."

Ronon mumbled, "What she said."

John suddenly sprang up onto his feet and reached out towards his friend where he sat on the ground in the hated room. Teyla and Ronon approached and stood on either side of him looking down kindly at Rodney.

John asked, "So how about going offworld with the team again? We really need you. The scientists in your department are smart, but none of them are a patch on you."

Rodney couldn't help but smile at that.

John leant further forwards and offered Rodney his hand as he asked, "Are you ready to go back to Atlantis now?"

"Yes," Rodney replied without hesitation. He glanced around and then grabbed the hand John held out to him and allowed himself to be pulled back onto his feet. Ronon patted him on the back and Teyla took his hand in both of hers and gently squeezed. Rodney looked John in the eye, his confidence firmly back in place even in the midst of the horror of what had happened to him in the very room where they all stood together in support.

"Yes, I am."

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Fin.

A/N - As always, thank you for reading! I know it took me a lot longer than usual to finish this one, but that's because of Chevron and also because I've now gone back to the time sapping horror of the six day week. *hugs my only day off* So thanks for sticking with it! I'm going to finish my Chevron convention report (on LiveJournal) and then write some nice relaxing physical whump!fic for Rodney :)